Ugh! How do you really break free?
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November 25, 2016 at 10:57 am #24220
Hello to all. As I mentioned in another post I think my bf is a N. I have known him for 40 yrs. We have been together this most recent time for just 2 years but total of 12 with a 2 year break up in there. After reading up on N & behavior, I am thinking he is one. All through the years he has put me last and makes excuse & lies constantly. The last 2 years I have started really reflecting on. He has been so distant from the start but I pushed that aside because of the break up and we were both on egg shells to getting back together. Now, I’m not so sure. He lacks emotion, compassion, attention, affection, etc. He wasn’t quite this bad before the break up but it was a bad break. When I think back just from this year, there was the time right around Valentine’s Day that he said I was smothering him and he needed to breathe. Sent me into a major tailspin of what could he possibly mean? Maybe I was and trying to control him. I found a codependency support thinking I had a problem. Which to a point I may have but after reading so much on narcissism, it is how I felt being around him. I felt I had to do things for him in order for him to pay more attention to me and show me affection etc. I still go to meetings because I need to put me first and not him.
On an evening in June, he let me know that he was going to a friend’s wedding in Iowa the next day with buddy from work. Did he think to ask me? No, he said, gee I forgot and didn’t figure you want to go. WTF? So, off he went. He told me he planned to stay the night and drive home the next day. Nope. He decided to drive home super later after partying but sent me text saying he was staying at buddy’s house and not driving rest of way. POW! Text at 4AM saying wrecked car & would check in later. Gee, I thought he had stopped for night. Someone just happened to come by with a trailer and hauled his car home. Hell, to this day, I have no idea what really happened. Secrets.
So many secrets like this. Holes everywhere. I recently let him know until he wanted to acknowledge the issues I have that there was no point in talking. I stopped contact and he would send a daily text of I Love You. I did fine for a few days and then he sent a text that was long but didn’t really say anything except that if I wanted to end it, he couldn’t stop me. That he doesn’t show me near enough of the thing i want but it’s not because he doesn’t want to do it. Ok, then why don’t you? Never mentioned that! He said he would have like to discuss things with me and can’t force me to do anything. Well, gee, he you can’t just LOVE me? No, I didn’t say that. I did talk to him and have been sucked back in but I’m more aware now. Part of me wants & knows I should break free and that I deserve so much better but the other part won’t do it. I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction. Ugh!
December 4, 2016 at 10:34 am #24279
The way you feel is totally normal. It is very difficult to get free because they use many techniques to keep their victims hooked so they can continue to exploit them.
It sounds like every time you try to bring up a problem he gaslights you, twists reality, blames you for his choices, etc.
It sounds like you are thinking clearly and recognize that he is not treating you well and that his behaviors indicate he is unlikely to change; and that you deserve someone who loves and appreciates you. The best way to get free is to have no contact. There is a lot of good information about how to go about no contact on this site and other sites. It is not easy. You love him because you are a good person capable of love, and leaving the relationship is a great loss for you. There is a lot to grieve. It is unlikely that he will give you closure.
December 8, 2016 at 3:57 pm #24304
The book The 5 Step Exit by Amber Ault is helpful.
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