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Trapped in Hell – socio-wife and 2 young kids.

This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  fstyle34 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #23285

    fstyle34
    Participant

    I have no one I can turn to, no one I can talk to. I have no way out of my life and wish I had never been born, I wish my beautiful children had never been born, scratch that I wish most of all the pathological liar who tricked my into thinking she was a human being had never been born.

    I can’t give details on anything since she is slick enough to do who knows what…. The first and only rule I’ve found out about if you are dealing with a sociopath is: “I have absolutely no idea what s/he is NOT capable of”

    Let that sink in first, that means that you have been through so much and almost every step of the way the lies and deceit increased in their magnitude – all of them becoming less and less fathomable for a human being living on this planet in this universe. I truly believe the one I am dealing with is not from this universe. How else could you explain what has been going on.

    After I found out about a couple of huge lies and stealing (and the months of deception and manipulation that went along with them) I realized that maybe a drastic change could help save our marriage and our family (2 young children, preschool and kindergarten). Move to another country where better job opportunities exist, better activities for the kids (more outdoor fun stuff) and to get away from her family since she is always at war with them and I can never be on the right side. If I defend her then I’m not respectful of her family, if I consider her family’s point of view I’m betraying her – it’s a lose lose situation every time and I find that I have everyone mad at me for merely trying to keep the peace.

    Fast forward to the new country, beautiful, opportunities, maybe the best city on the globe (IMHO). And yet as I was preparing things here for their arrival, she had already begun another series of lies and deceit to begin a life with someone else.

    While it’s shocking and painful and hurtful to find out that the person you married is running around with someone else behind your back, that isn’t as dramatic to me as the rest. If you have an itch and need to scratch it, go ahead (I’m not saying I like the idea, but why bang your head against a wall if the wall is going to stay in your way) scratch it and hopefully get it out of your system and come back to your senses. But how do you go about dragging your children into something and claim that Daddy is gone and this new guy is what you’ve got. That was awful and earth shattering but even that wasn’t the worst part.

    The worst part was after I got a whiff of what she was maybe lying about, I realized I needed to go back and look at ALL the things she had ever told me. EVERY LAST THING. There’s a reason that a witness is not longer believed once they have been found to be lying, that means they could have been lying about anything/everything.

    That is what I found out. She lied about everything about herself. The kinds of things that no one does, no one would do. The family she was from that never existed. The uncles and aunts, and cousins, and the weddings we missed (I felt guilty) that never existed. The job that never existed. The property that never existed. The money that never existed. The different religions that never existed. The list was infinite and overwhelming.

    Fast forward to right now today. I have contacted lawyers who told me in no uncertain terms that in this country even if she has committed adultery with 20 guys, the courts don’t care about that (I even joked, “….. ok 20 doesn’t matter, but what about 22!?!?!?!” )

    That if I file for divorce, get an order so that she can’t take them out of the country or take any legal action, the courts/judge will side with the “less stable party” (financially stable). Meaning I will be forced to leave the home I found for my family. All the furniture I got for my family. Etc. Etc Etc. The only way I can stay in my house with my kids and not be on the street is if she:
    – gets a job
    – gets a bank account
    – gets a boyfriend
    – decides to leave on her own

    So for me none of the advice I’ve found is any good for me. We are currently in the same house. I know that she has a new boyfriend (or they “just friends”…. please). I had been obsessed trying to figure out which were lies and which were truths, checking her email, or messages or etc…. always bad news, never good news. The time she wanted to show me that she had nothing to hide – she conveniently just erased the last messages….. No joke she has over 8 email accounts, 3 facebooks – and these are what I know of, there might be new ones, she is slick like that.

    So I need to be a good father to my young children, I need to be upbeat, and happy and positive around them. I need to show them the beauty of the world and its wonder and be excited as they discover everything for the first time (the boy is also special needs).

    And yet at the same time it sounds like I’m supposed to go Gray Rock around her and be boring, be nothing and not be a lightning rod for her insanity.

    But those two things are diametrically opposed. Love life with your kids, but act sad gloomy and boring around the socio-wife. That would be great except we live in the same house and just recently in the same bed again, since I’m “trying”….. good it just makes me sick.

    So there is my story in a nutshell, no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel and no hope.

    I’m surprised my job hasn’t fired me yet since I can barely function (I’m sure that will happen soon enough) and then what?

    I’m so resentful and ashamed I don’t know what to say or do. I can’t trust anyone so acting like I could meet some one new is a fantasy (not for her, she’s a pro at it and nothing has crimped her style).

    I wish I were dead except for the fact that I do want to see my kids grow up. I only pray that she doesn’t infect them with her fecal matter so I guess that is the reason I have stay alive. But man, every day just seems more and more unbearable.

  • #23286

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    fstyle34 – I am so sorry for your situation. It is heartbreaking. If you are just learning the extent of her betrayals now, it is all very raw and a shock to your system. I hope that as you come to terms with what she is, you’ll be able to see some ways of dealing with the situation that are not apparent now.

    Perhaps a more nuanced “gray rock” approach will help you. Sociopaths feed on their target’s emotional reaction. So even if you haven’t yet gotten the woman out of your life, perhaps you can make sure not to let her see you react to her insanity. Maybe she will get bored and move on with a new boyfriend. She also may get bored of the kids – sociopaths don’t really care about their children; they just see them as a meal ticket. In the meantime, collect all your documentation of her behavior.

    Sociopaths often screw up. So if you’re ready when she does, you may be able to make a dramatic change.

    • #23294

      fstyle34
      Participant

      Hi Donna, I appreciate the kind words and that’s what I plan on trying. It’s just that I’m not a Gray Rock kind of guy (I’ve always been lighthearted and a comedian) and so it’s super noticeable. I have to answer the question, “what’s wrong?” and I don’t really know what is the best thing to reply.

      Any advice would be much appreciated.

      I tried “I’m just sad” yesterday but don’t know what to say today. For instance I had a crap day, but then took the kids to the park and had a great time. So I came back with an after glow and then, what, I have to turn on a sad act? Again I think I can try and fake that if it’s just her and me in the house, but when the kids are right there I’m not trying to show them a super sad sack daddy…

      Should I turn down all her attempts at “hanging out”? If so, what face, and what reason?

      (I wish I was as good at lying as she is, this stuff is really hard for me and almost impossible to keep up for more than a day…)

      Thank you

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