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Spiritual sociopath. Am I wronging him? Am I the problem? How do I move on?

This topic contains 10 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Portia 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #23270

    Portia
    Participant

    I was in a brief (about 6 m) and intense relationship with a man I’m now thinking is a sociopath. I keep questioning myself about this ‘diagnosis’, wondering if it’s just me trying to abdicate responsibility for my emotional immaturity, lack of morals and my pain as a result of a failure to succeed at a relationship. I wonder if I’m demonizing him just so I can feel better about the sense of being defrauded somehow and the feelings of rejection and stupidity. I keep wavering between compassion for him and self-criticism on the one hand and indignant rage and judgement on the other – often coupled with a childish desire for revenge on him or some sort of moral ‘day in court’ forcing him to face up to himself or an acknowledgement of real feelings of love for me and genuine remorse for ‘making mistakes’.

    I’ve found Donna Anderson’s talks and this website very helpful. It has been a struggle for me to consider the possibility that the person I had such an intense connection with might be incapable of feeling genuine compassion or remorse. I tried to understand him, felt sorry for his problems (he came with a sad back-story, naturally) and berated myself for my own part in what happened.

    I continue to analyze his behaviour and have doubts about whether I’m being fair on him.

    The man I dated seems to tick all the boxes for sociopathy – except perhaps for anger/violence and sexual extremism. He did not strike me as highly sexual – although he liked to be very sexually intimate without having full sex.

    He presented as a spiritual, gentle, loving person who drew me in easily with the offer of emotional intimacy. He seemed to understand popular psychology and the workings of people’s minds. He’s a musician and writes spiritual, loving songs. He speaks softly and if he criticizes others he couches his comments in spiritual language that seems to create distance from concepts such as (his) responsibility and respect for feelings. By day he works as a massage therapist and ‘healer’. He has many admirers and seems to glide along in life even though I’ve heard (from him and others) that he has taken advantage of several people.

    When I got to know him first and heard from people who know him and listened to him talk about relationships (friendly or romantic) current and past I quickly heard alarm bells. I started to feel that he had many people in thrall – particularly women. I started to see a pattern – he seemed to be drawn to ‘hot messes’ (like me!): Depressed, troubled or anxiously attached women who seemed particularly empathic. I heard many stories about women giving him expensive gifts, providing him with material comforts and social or career advantages. His last serious relationship lasted 2 years and he told me the woman was from a wealthy family and he lived with them and got very close to her mother. Eventually he was ostracized from the family and though he seemed to understand the painful circumstances in that home I kept feeling that he had been taking advantage of them and got found out. For a long time I criticized myself for thinking badly of him when he appeared to be in so much pain about the breakdown of those relationships.

    Almost immediately I felt angered by what I saw as him attempting to use my intellectual skills and career experience to help him with a particular business project he’s working on. I felt used. I told him so. He seemed offended at first but didn’t really take it to heart.

    Early on I challenged him about his behaviour towards others and his response was to refer to spiritual teachings that characterized other people’s feelings of hurt and betrayal as ‘the monkey mind’ or ‘the ego’. He was always the wronged party somehow and even though he eventually acknowledged that he could have done better I always felt that he did not feel this genuinely. When he described his own hurt the ‘ego’ argument was absent. Though I often pointed out this asymmetry in the way he analyzed his relationships he somehow seemed untroubled. As a spiritual person myself his arguments about ego etc had some weight for me so I found myself second-guessing my concerns or motivations and rationalizing his behaviour. The thing I found most confusing is that he did appear to acknowledge some blame but it never felt like he really meant it. In any event, he seemed to have little or no anxiety about his mistakes.

    I was in therapy all the time I was seeing him. I think this helped me to let go of him sooner than I would have been able to otherwise. My therapist helped me to arrive at a realisation that this person showed very little concern for the impact his behaviour had on others, including me. Once, my therapist suggested the man was grooming me to become a source of supply for him and that he was unlikely to change. It took me a long time to accept this. I kept defending him by pointing out examples of loving words and behaviour, although I always worried that there was a lack of consistency or sincerity.

    Having read a bit more about sociopathy, I wonder if he has those traits. Sometimes I think he can’t be that bad but might be somewhere on the wrong end of the spectrum. I keep doubting my judgement and wonder if I’m being unfair. Perhaps I just don’t want to believe that someone I let into my heart could really be a predator.

    The following things strike me as being sociopathic in his behaviour:

    Charm and charisma – he had that in spades. He’s also physically attractive and behaves in this gentle, loving way, speaking very softly and using a lot of loving, spiritual words. He has lots of admirers in this community but is known as being a bit of a user and a suspected ‘Lothario’.

    Sociopath stare – we would lie in bed staring into each other’s eyes silently for ages. He would look deeply at me with a profound-looking expression that was intoxicating. He seemed sexually less adventurous than me, but he had this intense way about him during lovemaking that felt more connected to me than any kind of wild sex. In fact, we only had penetrative sex once during the first month and he told me he regarded sexual penetration as sacred and was guided by what felt right according to his spiritual journey. After I broke up with him he started becoming very sexually interested and adventurous and that struck me as extremely odd. It felt like he was trying to keep me addicted to him because he thought that adventurous sex was something I needed in order to bond to him. At the same time, though, he admitted things to me that would be difficult for anyone to talk about. I found myself justifying his strange sexual behaviour by relying on that information about him.

    Lovebombing – luckily for me, he dropped the ball early on by being inattentive when we were in company. I used to wonder how he would sabotage my affection by doing this. Now I wonder if his strategy was to appeal to my spirituality and open-mindedness and keep me on message so that he could avoid public demonstrations of being in a committed relationship, which would have worked against his need to seem available to other women and gather more admirers. I could tell that other women desired him. I think that helps him get more fans as a musician and healer. I challenged him about this early on but he always seemed to have an explanation.

    Unique connection story – he said he’d never met anyone he connected with so deeply. He said it scared him and used that as an explanation for why he often pulled away from me after the initial connection. Even after I broke up with him he said he wondered if he’d ever find anyone else like me. He told me he loved me and wanted us to be in each other’s lives, giving what he called ‘practical help’ to each other. He said he wanted to father a child with me and that maybe the relationship could evolve into something permanent in future but that the timing was wrong and we were both on difficult spiritual journeys. When I met him I was slowly reemerging from a difficult life change and a serious bout of depression and anxiety. I let him convince me to get a puppy with him (maybe the only lasting good thing from that relationship) and allowed him to try and impregnate me on one crazy night. I was alarmed at how easily I took risks with him.

    Reckless behaviour – I often found he compromised his safety and mine, eg. driving too fast when I was in the car with him, taking me on reckless adventures in the middle of the night. He let me spend lots of money on trips away. I was always paying for him although at the time I rationalized this as my being wealthier. I found the behaviour intoxicating at the time because I was also feeling reckless and to be frank I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts back then so I didn’t really care.

    Entrapment – the attempt to make me pregnant. The puppy. He also advised me not to talk so much to my parents with whom I’d been having some problems at the time. Looking back, I wonder if he was just trying to isolate me from my support network.

    He’s now in a relationship with someone else. He slept with me a few times after he started dating her and I’m ashamed to say I went along with it because I was lonely and isolated and lost my moral compass. I find myself obsessively stalking her activities on social media – seeking clues that he’s ruining her life too. Maybe I just want to know that I was not imagining it. For some reason it hurts more to think that it was just me – that I was the problem and that he is, after all, just a normal enough guy who’s a bit immature and inconsiderate and I was just making him up and acting out as a result of my own problems.

    I keep wondering whether I’m right in characterizing him as a predator. Something in me wants to believe that he secretly loves me and that it’s my fault for pushing him away because of my own dysfunction.

    I don’t want to see people like this. I want to believe in the innate goodness of everyone. Something tells me I have to keep focusing – to a certain extent – on his negative traits so I can protect myself because I have this sense that my own naivety or badness is part of the reason I’ve become prey to a person who appears to lack any concern for the needs of others. Or maybe I just need to paint him as the perpetrator so that I can move on.

    Sorry I’m rambling so much. I am quite confused about a lot of it and am finding it hard to forget about him. I live in a small rural community and whilst I’ve cut off contact with him I do see him around sometimes. He’s wary of me (because the last time I was with him I threw him out and told him I never wanted to see him again) but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not at all bothered about what happened and that hurts a lot and makes me doubt my own worth as a person. I don’t like having to live in an area where I will bump into him again.

    At the same time I find myself fantasizing about meeting him again and finding out that he’s a decent guy after all and loves me as much as he said he did.

    Wow! I feel pathetic right now.

    I wanted to ask you guys if I’m just being dysfunctional myself and projecting this label on him to make myself feel better for my own mistakes. I could go on forever with minute examples of his behaviour that concerned me but I’ve already gone on too long. Am I imagining it? How can I move on? Is it possible he’s just an avoidant type of person? Should I ever consider trying to re-connect with him again or am I just craving a closeness that was all a lie?

    Thanks for reading this enormous wall of self-pity, if you did!

    And the very best of luck and love to you. I’ve read some truly horrific stories of betrayal on this site and can only imagine the damage it has caused. I hope the sting of the hurts you’ve experienced disappears soon and that you never go through that again.

    Best wishes.

  • #23276

    needreallove
    Participant

    Hi again Portia,

    WOW! You are feeling exactly like me! I can’t stand knowing that he’s not bothered about dumping me.
    I can’t stop thinking that it’s my fault that I did not care enough about this poor man who I thought I could fix.

    We ARE NOT imagining that these men are dysfunctional! It is NOT us….it is them and they have hurt us to our very core.

    I am saying these words to myself as much as to you as I too have having difficulty believing that it was not my fault. He HAS found another source of supply and the same thing will happen to her. I so wish I could warn her but that will just give him a reason to call me a psycho.

    No do not try to reconnect. I did. The entire misery started over again. If you think living through it once is bad….try twice or three times.

    It is so hard to believe that there are people who can manipulate your emotions which such ease and not care one little bit about you.

    Yes, I have wanted revenge in the fact that I want him to have a miserable remainder of his existence. I want him to feel pain every day…..the kind of pain I’m feeling now. The sad thing is that I know he won’t. We need to somehow wrap our heads around this and move on.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom as to how to do this but I honestly don’t know because I am right there with you.

    I too find myself thinking that I horribly wronged this poor man. SO not true. He used me and discarded me. Maybe he did have an abused childhood and all his ex’s were crazy psychos but I don’t think so. It seems that this is a pretty standard play for them when dealing with people like you and me.
    It seems pretty clear to me that we are both empaths and really care and want to help others. I guess what we both need to understand is that we cannot help these people. They do not care and they will destroy us in the process.
    I have read a lot of posts here and your response to my post and the post you wrote above sounds soooo very close to my feelings. If I figure it out you will be the first to know!!
    Much love

    • #23336

      star_al
      Participant

      The hardest thing is “that is what a lack of love looks like” but we are all learning that lesson.
      It is horrible.
      What you see is someone enjoying gratification from the attention of appearing smart or acting compassionate.

      • #23947

        Portia
        Participant

        Hi star_al.

        Yes – I really find it difficult too. I guess a lot of us folks on this forum are empathic types who find it extremely difficult to confront the reality that a significant number of people are incapable of genuine love (as most people define it) and will emotionally groom people for advantage in all kinds of overt and subtle ways. I’ve struggled so much with that aspect of this, but reading more about those people has helped me establish better boundaries (so far – I hope I remain vigilant!).

        For myself, at least, I’m making it my business now to try and insist on space and time for people to earn my trust – prove to me that they are worthy of my feelings, not just by their words, but through their actions and with consistency. It does not come naturally to me, but I feel it’s essential and, to be honest, I’m rather glad I got a bit of a kicking from this guy because it’s forced me to confront the need to have self-respect.

        It’s all rather shit, though. I can’t help wishing things were not like this. Best of luck to you.

    • #23944

      Portia
      Participant

      Hi needreallove,

      I’m so sorry I’ve taken a long time to reply to your heartfelt and lovely response to my post. Thank you for that. After I splurged all those feelings on this forum I felt a bit sick and panicky about things and needed to withdraw from talking about it. I’m not sure why that happened. Anyway, I read your two posts from that time and feel very sad to think of you going through the pain of your experience. I wonder how you’re doing now, hoping that you’re in a better place.

      Even with my own less traumatic experience I’ve found it quite difficult to let go of nagging feelings and a residual desire for connection with this individual, despite my better judgment. I just wanted to say to you that things have improved for me and I believe they can for you too. ‘No contact’ is a very unnatural and difficult thing for me, but I persevered and now see that it gave me necessary space to see things more clearly, connect with other people in my life I can trust, build up a more self-sufficient supply of confidence and reflect forgivingly on my own contribution towards what happened. The guy even got in touch with me again – ‘hoovering’ me, I believe. Honestly, I gave in a little. I missed him – maybe I just missed the attention and there’s always this bit of me that doesn’t want to believe that people can be so predatory. But I confided in my sister who also knows him. She set me straight. She even told him to back off. I’d started getting involved in a silly game of responding to his messages thinking to myself that I was just manipulating him back. In reality, I craved the connection and I see that now. One can’t win that game, no matter how strong one feels. I’m grateful I confessed this to my sister, because she called me out on my BS and helped me return to a healthier reality. I now feel in a very good place and though I still think about him a lot I can honestly say I don’t care to see him again and my ‘relationship’ with him, such as it is, is more about me working out how I got into that position in the first place and making peace with the fact that there are people in this world who are dysfunctional and incapable of change. I can forgive him, actually, in the sense of simply letting go of blaming him and with that any hope that he can change. This honestly feels quite good and liberating.

      From what you’ve said, I understand you are in quite an isolated situation and that must be very difficult for you at the moment. I guess forums like these can be a supportive community so I hope you’re getting some solace from knowing that there are others like you who are struggling with the fallout of a toxic relationship. I really hope you can connect with people in your life that you can trust to allow you to be a mess, vent your anger and fears and gradually, as you will, move through all this into brighter days where you put yourself first in a healthy way. Please try to focus all of the energy in your pain into one goal: Your safety and happiness. And don’t doubt your worthiness to be loved. Insist on being loved – especially by you.

      I really hope you lipsticked up, primped your hair and got out into the world, even if you felt sick in your stomach. ‘Fake it ’til you make it’. And trust that you will make it. I’ve done that faking and I can tell you it does work.

      Wishing you happiness and love and hoping you’re feeling better and stronger. This will pass.

      P xo

  • #23306

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Portia – It seems to me that your inner guidance has been telling you all along that the guy is bad news. Please believe your guidance.

    Many people have told Lovefraud about sociopaths who pretend to be religious/ spiritual / born again / pious/ a guru. It is all an act. These people can talk the talk and pretend to walk the walk, but the walking is not authentic. Your inner guidance picked up on this right away – not to mention the comments of others who consider the man to be a user.

    Sometimes we draw to us the great spiritual lesson of discernment. What is true and what is false? What is real and what is fake? OUr guidance knows, but sometimes we want to override it.

    You have discovered the truth. Believe it.

    • #23945

      Portia
      Participant

      Hi Donna,

      Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to me. And thank you for appreciating the spiritual aspect of this which was something I found most confusing about the relationship.

      In case it’s interesting for you to know, I discussed things with my therapist and he felt that the guy in question sounded more like a narcissist than a sociopath. In practical terms, it makes little difference. He’s still a person to be avoided. But it has helped me to think about it some more and understand what typically happens with a narcissist. That knowledge is protective.

      I think what you say about trusting ‘gut instincts’ is crucial and with hindsight I can see how much I understood what was happening at a deeper level. I didn’t trust my instincts clearly enough, of course, and there remains a tension in my thinking about things. But I know that I had many signals in my body, a vague sense of threat and unease – things like that. I believe these warning signs helped me get out sooner than I might have otherwise.

      I’d urge any of the folks in this forum to pay attention to those ‘vague feelings’ and even if they can’t articulate clearly what the problem is, to trust that these nagging doubts mean something is not right.

      Anyway, many thanks again and thank you for generously sharing your experience and providing others with a means to help themselves.

      Best wishes,

      Portia

  • #23881

    annvr
    Participant

    This sounds a lot like my ex. So gentle and kind, so charismatic. Never angry, always ‘helpless’ in what he admitted to have done wrong. I am struggling with similar thoughts, they are very persuasive, but also untrue.

    • #23900

      2Trusting
      Participant

      Hi,
      I have read and re-read above posts today. I’m presently going through this actually since early Aug was his last abrupt discard of me. Time before was just before memorial weekend. I didn’t start putting things together as to what was all going on till this past August. My heart is breaking I truly was and am deeply in love with him even though I know he isn’t anything but lies. I still can’t wrap my head around it all, I can barely function. I even lost my job in May bc of this and it’s slide down hill ever since, some days are worse then others. I don’t even have the energy to tell my story and I so deeply want too but I’m so v tired and mentally beat……I’m so defeated, hurt and as I type this I can’t stop the tears…..I’m so pissed at myself so v upset. I didn’t even have facebook till first of Oct and I don’t have anything on it but I wanted to be able to find answers and I did and it’s been devastating. He begged me literally begged me to give him another chance, told me how deeply he cared for me and love me was terrified of hurting me but promised he wouldn’t never just toss me away like a piece of garbage. Like a fool I believed every word nd jumped right back into his arms. He even planned a weeks trip to SD and we rode his Harley through the black hills ….we had so much fun. Then the last night and morning of our departure back home things switched up and everything turned 360 degrees. I last spoke to him Aug 7, last text I got was aug 13 tht he was busy. When he begged me to give him another chance he said he wanted an exclusive relationship and promised he would never just disappear on me ever again, we agreed to hide our online dating profiles. Well bc of how he was acting so damn strange and cold and mean spirited to me the night and morning leaving SD I went to POF and fd he had just been online tht morning, so just within hrs of sleeping with me where thgs happened in bed that I can’t bring myself to accept to this day. Anyways I confronted him about being online and he actually denied it all , I even sent him a message through POF asking him why he was even on line, he denied getting it even after I showed him my phone and POF affirming it was sent. He insisted he hadn’t been on POF since we agreed to be exclusive and tht POF literally it look like people were online when they really haven’t been bc it gets people talking to each other if they think the other person is online. He got really pissed I checked on him and was being too emotional and over reacting and tht it was all my problem bc I had major trust issues….well anyways all the way nothing got resolved he told it was a topic that we weren’t discussing at that time bc I was too upset to hear anythg he would have to say. he kept telling me he wasn’t interested in anyone else at all and if he were then y would he spend thousands of dollars to take across the country on the trip, he thought that proved how much he loved me. Well august in our last conversation I asked him what he considered our relationship to be, after a lot of dicking around it not answering he finally said he wanted it exclusive and casual,we go out here and there and we could talk about it another time he promised and the call ended. To think I believed him bc after all we had camping trips, road trips and a big annual Harley rally we had planned on still attending. He literally encouraged me to buy all this riding gear and clothing bc we were a couple. So dead silence from last test aug. So I go on FB and he has everythg pretty tight, just two pics and his like and friends everything else is hidden. I searched his daughters and fd a gals name that he mentioned dating prior to me but then he meet me and told her he wasn’t interested in her anymore, he evens aid how all she did was bitch and criticize him every time they were together and he knew he never really cared for her. I was who he was passionately longing and needing to be with bc he never meet someone as myself where we had such a strong magnetic attractive and were so compatible with.Well I FB this gal and she has a lot hid on her FB account as well. Still she had her timeline up and mentions and did check-ins to several events and trips and fancy restaurants but she keeps who she is with concealed except to her friends she obviously instant messaged. Then she had videos up and a few pics up and I recognized his Harley and details specific to the handle bars and his hands and that is when I recognized that he was with her all the way through the beginning of Aug, and he even hid his POF profile from mid Aug till Sept 18 when he then unhide it. On her fb timeline she talks about her finance moving out beginning of Sept and how glad she is tht her ex-finance ( a different guy she was involved with)finally moved out of their place. So she continued posting thgs on her timeline but it always keeping identities secret. Then looking further on his FB and checking his friends there is group pic of those two nd his friends at the rally having a great time. My world has been just spinning ever since. She has posted that she is seeing all these other guys and letting the world know and he has actively been on POF until now recently he hasn’t so I’m sure he has found someone new. And he even did a friend request to me on FB so somehow FB alerted him I had a profile, what a real prick to do a friend request. My mind is just blown away big time, I’m in such tremendous pain, can’t eat, can’t sleep and really never go anywhere. I divorced my phychopath husband after being with him for over 34 yrs and married 28 and it was a living nightmare but he made the divorce the absolute living out right waging war of the century tht was feb 2014. I promised myself if I got out that alive I would never get involved with anyone like him again but here I did and its killing me and tearing me up inside bc I feel so betrayed humiliated and used and with no purpose to be tossed away like an old shoe. I’m devastated and question so question what is the purpose of thsi all, when am I going to get things straight…when. i read all the articles and bok after book and just when I think I’m going to be okay then it all start again. How is he able to not even give a shit about me at all how is it tht he is able to go on with his life as though I never existed ever. And this time it feels like its his final discard of me, i think bc i called him out on being on POF and getting upset and then suddenly he discovers I set up a FB acct so he knew I was digging. I deleted my POF profile beginning of Aug, still am able to go on though and see that his is there and then isn’t. And what about this gal that put all of this on her timeline. She knew I existed and still it didn’t matter, he hid his profile for her but not for me and now they are or aren’t together and she must have been seeing each other all along while she was enngaged and her finace called it all off. I don’t know why I’m not getting this…
      This guy was married 3x and his 2nd wife committed suicide. He told me how all 3 of his wifes had affairs on him and that is why thsoe marriages failed. the thing is he was having the affair on each of his wifes with the next one he then ended up marrying. He has told mme so many lies and shown who he is and all the signs of a phychopath are there but still my heart aches for him….how crazy am I… I’m no better then his crazy ass or this other gal…how is this all going to end and when. I have gone no contact but i like to think I’ve done that but the fact is he hasn’t even attempted to contact me …..how did I let this happen… please someone if your out there and read this please give me some insight bc the few friends I do have say they get it but I know they don’t ….

      • #23948

        Portia
        Participant

        Hi 2Trusting,

        I found it painful to read your post because I can feel how distressed you are and you seem, to me, to be caught in a miserable, tormented vortex of fear and anger and the minute details of the betrayal and hurt. Boy, I remember that.

        I hope you don’t mind me saying that. I remember being in a state (actually not to do with the guy that upset me lately – something else that was bigger) where I was completely consumed by a raging storm of hurt and rage.

        I wish I could say something to help. I don’t know if anything I can say would be helpful right now. Maybe I can just say that it’s going to be ok eventually. I imagine it’s hard for you to believe that. I hope you can see from some of the stuff people are posting on here that there is hope and there is an end to this. And you can let this person go and you can move on and you can even be content again.

        The thing that stands out most in what you said is this: “I know he isn’t anything but lies”.

        You know it. He is all lies. Can you write that in huge letters somewhere and look at that every day? I know you don’t want to believe it and there’s a part of you that does not believe it. But you typed those words. At some level you know – even if you don’t want this knowledge. Like Donna said to me in a response to my original post, ‘You have discovered the truth. Believe it.’

        I’ve gone through my own thing in a messy way – have backtracked, doubted myself, made a fool of myself, acted out, wanted him, hated him, tried to manipulate him, felt guilty and bad about myself, got confused … all of it. But, at the end of the day there’s really only this: If we have a doubt that is so strong that we can put words on it, we are telling ourselves something important. Listen to and trust yourself. Please do that and lean on other people you can trust.

        Do you remember anyone else in your life that you loved and got over when it ended? If you ever did that once you can do it again.

        From what you say, this guy is bad news and is just wrecking your head. He only has power over you if you allow him. I know it’s not easy – am still struggling with my own thing – but all that anger I see in your message – turn that into nourishing yourself. That’s your best revenge. Get angry about making your life beautiful and let him go on to wreak havoc in someone else’s life if that’s what he’s going to do. You already know he’s no good, so you’re nearly there.

        Please forgive me for being a bit preachy. I don’t really have the answers either and I’m finding it out as I go along. But I do know that this gets better and at some stage we must choose to fight for ourselves.

        Go for it!

        Very best wishes,

        P

    • #23946

      Portia
      Participant

      Hi annvr,

      I hope things are going better for you now. I think time + no contact can give a lot of insight and clarity and dial down the pain. Very hard to do no contact – I really understand that in my own situation too. What I’ve found helpful is confiding in trusted friends and family. I don’t know about you, but for a while I was protecting my relationship to the person in question and therefore hiding what was going on from people who really cared about me.

      If you have people in your life you trust to be kind and compassionate with you, but objective and insightful about the person troubling you – those are the people to go to now. I keep thinking that these sociopaths, narcissists – whatever type of predator – are very adept at exploiting emotional vulnerabilities. It’s very easy to go back to the alluring things they seem to offer, forgetting that their secret deal is unacceptable to you. If you have to write a list of the things about this person that troubled you and stick it up on the wall, please do it. I made a list called ‘For When You Miss Him’ and printed it out so I could remind myself of the truth every time I felt that pull towards him. I still wavered, but not much. Maybe try that?

      Good luck and don’t be hard on yourself.

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