Some of what court was like for me
Lovefraud: How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other abusers › Forums › How do you deal with a sociopath in court? › Some of what court was like for me
June 22, 2016 at 4:31 pm #22678
I spent 17 years in court with my ex. He didn’t care that rulings were mostly against him. The purpose of going was to terrorize me, make me pay loads of money to a lawyer, and spend hundreds of hours preparing the case each time etc. He enlisted the help of my sociopathic family to help him as witnesses in guardian-ad-litem papers.
Another problem is that these sick people are glib and can charm people. And I think that conservative folks especially, like our guardian-ad-litem, prefer a good-looking dad w/ a new spouse to harried moms who are abused. Men are still believed more often, i think, as our society is still a male-favoring one.
What I had to do to win the court cases was to document everything. Its a tough way to live. Horrifying really. Even now, we have college court orders too, and he doesn’t follow them. He doesn’t care. He is happy to go back to court.
July 6, 2016 at 12:29 am #22781
Ugh I should be documenting right now.. I should have documented the last 12 years with one and the last 6 with the other..
How do you get yourself to begin this? Perhaps I feel I need to do it ‘perfectly,’ and so day after day I don’t. They both were awarded full custody and I supervised through this.. just as you say.. because I am an abused mom. Despite ME being the sole caregiver.. and for many if not most years the sole provider as well. I can barely believe it honestly. And now I’m stuck with proving I have some kind of right to parent again.. to my older two (almost 12 and 13) who now seemingly ‘hate’ me.. and to my younger two who live in fear and confusion now with their father.
I have been jumping through all the hoops.. but am afraid I am still falling for traps.. and feel they both have all the power over me because I want to take all my babies and continue raising them right..
.. I truly honestly feel their only hope is going to be without any contact with either (as well as my own father, etc. as I’ve discovered he is maybe the scariest of all 3). If I have any hope of that ever happening, is documenting the first step?? They’ve documented me for years.. something in me has rebelled against it or something.. feeling I ‘shouldn’t have to live that way.’ How do I change this paralysis and start documenting now!?
July 10, 2016 at 9:51 pm #22838
I thought I was over this but I guess not.
1. sociopaths aren’t men, they are sociopaths. My ex-wife is one. She’s lied in court and is doesn’t bother her one way or another. She can cry on demand to gain sympathy. I’ve seen her convince two lawyers and duty counsel to side with her. “Facts” have been all over the place – a little here, a little there. It’s been a waste of time because if they gets caught lying then it’s stupidity – the nice single parent woman that is doing the best she can, she needs a break.
2. court orders that don’t get respected. ever been accused of rape? I have her 3 kids, paid off half a house for her, let her stay home to “home school”, bought her a business, took care of her and listened to all her woes about a mother with cancer and a father that beat her. I honestly think now it was all an effort to gain sympathy. We had an order for our kids to get counselling. It never happened so I took her back to court to enforce the order. I figured I was doing something good for myself and my kids. I was expected to be heard. Instead her response was accusation that I wanted to rape her or rape someone else. If I proceed it will be a trail on rape vs doing what is best for our/my kids. My motivation right now to live, go back to school, get a new career is zero.
3. Where is God is this? The Devil has shown up numerous times to tempt me. God is quiet and if anything is leading out of court. Sociopaths react in violence to stress, and don’t care what they do to the kids. My step-son has no testicles, they’ve been operated away. He hasn’t talked to me much since we separated. I found out because I saw him walking in the street holding his stomach after the operation. My ex told me “It’s too bad he didn’t saw something sooner otherwise they could have been saved”. A mother that will let her own son have his testicles removed, and then blame him for it. The Christian God that I grew up with doesn’t apply here. I’ve seen the power of God in who he brings into my life yet He still can’t touch her free will.
4. Mental Health, Emotional Health, or victim of sociopath traits? I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder shortly after catching my wife at the time kissing another woman. I protected her and didn’t tell the psychiatrist the whole story. Now years later it makes a hell of a lot more sense that any “mental” health issues I have are a direct result of being in a relationship with her, and it’s ok to not own it. It’s her, not me, her. I wasn’t the one that lied. And I seem to be getting better the more time I spend away from her. The psychiatrist doesn’t see it the same way.
For anyone else going through this it’s important to understand they won’t. It takes a hell of a lot of convincing and any psychiatrist or counsellor that doesn’t have DIRECT experience with a sociopath wont understand. They will call it denial or another made up term. It’s like no one wants to look at the truth, not even God it’s better to avoid and take your medication, not.
What have I learned through this? Stay away from Italians, be careful who to sleep with, run from any of those love feelings and use your brain, look at a person’s history, and if there is any lying at all, run.
I have to trust that if I’ve still here in 15 years my girls may come looking for me and want some answers, because right now they’ll convinced I’m the problem.
WOMEN – after divorce you get to keep your kids, you get to influence them and watch them grow. I have 3 kids and a step son. I only see 1/4 of them. The pain in my heart is unbearable thinking that my twin girls will grow up and do the same to another. I try my best with my son to ensure he he is honest.
- This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by malik.
July 17, 2016 at 6:12 pm #22899
My ex is on bail and I’m dreading the fact that I may have to face him in court. He tried to choke me and kicked me in the chest. This was five weeks ago, I’m still a mess and cry every day, the pain is unbearable. I’ve never felt emotional pain like it. I believe he will not be charged and he will walk off and probably laugh and I’m not sure I can deal with that….if that’s what the outcome turns out to be.
How do I face him and look at him in court?
The sickest thing is I still miss him so much, I’ve had NC for 5 weeks now. I trust nobody and get upset at the slightest thing. My family has been great but they cannot lift this darkness I seem to be carrying around with me.
Will it ever end and will me trying to charge him just cause me more heartache and stress?
I just want this hurt to go away and for him not to constantly be dominating my thoughts. I can’t bear it and have thought horrible thoughts about not being here anymore.
I’m having to build my whole life up from scratch and it’s so so hard and takes it takes up all my energy just to get through a day.
July 22, 2016 at 10:46 pm #22939
Wow. I feel all of this pain. I have been separated for over 2.5 years and I am waiting for my divorce to end. My lovely husband threatened me that he would take my retirement money, make me sell my house, and I would have to live in a small apartment, work until I am 70+, and die alone. He has access to my bank accounts and retirement accounts and knows how much I make. I have already spent over $10,000 with no end in sight. As a second wife, I feel pretty stupid. I just believed the lies and didn’t see what he had done to the first wife. He owes so much to his attorney, but won’t negotiate. After all my money is gone and all of the value in my house is gone, he might tire of torturing me. Everyone feels sorry for him and I am the bad one, as he told as many people as he could that I was a lesbian and I was unfaithful. I was cruel to him, so he says. He is over 50 living with his parents and I have all of the marital debt. He has to win. After trying to kill me three times and giving me a concussion, I am afraid of him. I don’t expect things to go my way and I worry if they would he would come after me. He is a coward as I read above, but he can be very scary with those black eyes boring into me. I wish I had known better, but it is a little late for that. Does anyone have an idea of how I can survive seeing him in court? I have been in court twice already and we are at a mediator at this point. My attorney said I will have to see him one more time.
The nightmares that I still have from living with him and the hours of counseling I have had to get over this have still left me with a hole in my heart. I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. He doesn’t work and I am court ordered to support him. Unfortunately, I made more money than he did and I had a house. I will feel the effects of my bad decision until the day I die.
It isn’t fair that we suffer for a very long time (forever?) and the sociopath just moves on to the next victim. I feel sorry for her as he is escalating. He will probably kill the next woman. I won’t be able to stop him. I haven’t been able to stop him from ruining my life, not to mention his own children and my two children. Nasty business with a sociopath and I had no idea they even existed.
November 8, 2016 at 10:32 am #24057
My own divorce took years. I have custody of my child but it was truly an uphill battle. They have all but dropped out of our lives now that it is all said and done, and the manipulation no longer has the same effect.
While I could never prove it, I often questioned my own attorney’s actions which seemed to be more in favor of the spath at times. The guardian ad litem was taken in by them even after investigating their lies and finding they did not hold up. They still reported in their favor.
Child psychologists and supervisors gave testimony in our favor but they did not sway the judge who already had their mind set after a somewhat secretive meeting my own attorney had led me to believe I did not need to attend and was only between the attorneys.
The spath was able to manipulate themselves out of multiple criminal charges and eyewitness child experts and court appointed experts who had testimony showing their true behavior. Witnesses they felt would be in their favor were dismissed because they would not admit to what they wanted to hear.
Court with an spath will not be easy. Be prepared with all the documentation you can gather, no matter how unimportant it may seem. Have an easily accessible tabbed binder so you can quickly find any document. If your spath is computer oriented research online for any comments they may have made in forums as they may slip up and say something useful to your case. Do not be afraid to fire your attorney if you feel they are not working in your favor. If your attorney will not bring up lies exposed outside of court be sure they are heard in court and on record.
- This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Terry101.
January 10, 2017 at 5:19 am #24536
My friend is also undergoing the same tragic situation as he is also undergoing a divorce process. Divorce Lawyers specialize in divorce and annulment. They can provide many services during these hard times. There are many issues that you may not even know about that a divorce lawyer can help you with. These include, mediation, financial planning, avoiding going to court, visitation and custody. One may also gather additional info about the divorce lawyer by going through their social profiles.
January 16, 2017 at 11:47 pm #24604
Divorce in at fault states is much more difficult than divorce in No Fault states such as California. I have read of very nasty divorces in New York.
January 17, 2017 at 10:40 pm #24631
Well, I’m a year and a half into the divorce proceedings and am at a stale mate. From what I’ve read I believe my husband is a mixture of at least a VEN and a sociopath. I supported him for 20 years and he is now suing me for spousal support. He is perfectly capable of working but chose to work part time in a minim wage job when he could have used his skills to earn much more. Now he has quit that job and is suing his boss for a Workman comp claim too!I so want to cut all ties with him but I can”t afford to pay him and continue to support our kids too. When I eventually got the courage to get him to leave I felt such a weight lift off but this divorce is just so draining. He has of course moved on to his next victim – a new girlfriend who earns more money but he’s smart – they’re not getting married so no help for my divorce there.
I feel like I’ve been in a war for 20 years. I don’t know who I am as he took away my identity and now I am having to pick up the pieces of who I used to be and try to put humpty-dumpty back together again! And he still wants me to continue to support him – it feels like the torture goes on…
January 20, 2017 at 1:35 pm #24704
battered Best wishes to you.
January 21, 2017 at 1:42 am #24715
I read some attorneys for the husband try and get the wife diagnosed with BPD so they don’t have to pay alimony. This was in New York.
February 18, 2017 at 1:59 am #25130
I feel for everyone who has posted their story here.
My ex-wife too is trying to destroy my life in similar ways… Lying in court, accusing me of abusing her and our children, falsifying evidence in court even. She knows how to use the legal system to her advantage and abuses it.
I’ve read the only way to get a sociopath to leave you alone is to be like a rock. Don’t let her or him get to you, know you’re upset, and most of all, don’t let them have any info on you.
The problem is, when you’re enmeshed in constant legal disputes, and you have disclose info, the ex knows everything about you. And they use that to destroy you… It’s a lose lose situation.
I don’t know how to solve this. Any ideas from survivors?
Take care, and thanks for hearing me out.
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