Sociopath or Martyr Complex?
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September 27, 2016 at 11:43 am #23656
I’m so confused I don’t know where to start. So let’s go with year 2014:
I met her on a dating site. She was fun, bubbly, recently divorced of 25 years, two sons, she lost one to suicide and the other joined the Army. She just lost her dad. (All verified too)
I too, recently divorced of 24 years, 5 kids, 2 of which still lived with me, and I just lost my mom. I felt like we had SO much in common! She was fun to be with, very positive outlook on life and just showered me with love!
At the time she was a Medical Lab Technician, (Making great money) working 3rd shift and living in a basement apartment 75 miles from my home. She couldn’t stop texting me! It was message after message after message. And of course I would respond to everyone of them, or I’d get somewhat of a third degree.
I thought it was odd how people our age would be sending so many texts as if we’re back in High School passing notes all day. But it was fun getting that attention.
The very first day we met in person, she buys my grandson some clothes on her JC Penny Card, followed by a new flat screen TV for me about a month later.
A couple of months of exclusive dating she then starts complaining about people at her work. They are all after her and she has a bull’s eye on her back. They set her up to fail everyday so that she looks bad during the night. They pick on her because they know she’s “Army” and she’ll do the work regardless.
The love bombing was of course mixed in with everything so it’s been, and still continues to be an up and down, round and round about her job, and the people she works with, and then the opposite happens and I get “I Love you so much!” or “Do you know how much I love you”.
A few more months go on, and I finally agree that she should move in and find employment closer to my home. (It was justified by the mileage we both racked up going back and forth).
She continued working third shift while we hunted for employment closer to “home” so the constant texting (while she’s at work all night) continued. Soon the complaining moved to how tired she is driving back and forth and how draining it is on her. She’s gained a lot of weight and I contributed that to lack of sleep and poor eating habits. Of course everyone there is still out to get her so she’s still complaining about that.
And of course she’s right about everything, she’s even smarter than the doctors, and nurses don’t know anything they’re doing. She throws medical terms around expecting me to know what they are, or more like she throws them so she can explain to me what it is….
All day, all night it’s complaining and then love bombing. Soon, the pressure to marry started in. Her family frowned on the fact that we were living together without being married. “Living in Sin” they said. Although we weren’t having sex, (I have a chronic illness that makes sex difficult to achieve), I finally agree to it. Soon we combined credit cards and bank accounts.
Soon after, her son leaves the Army and moves in with us. My two have moved out so it’s just us three there for 3-4 months. She’s still working 75 miles away, 2nd shift now and still looking for a job closer to home.
I do the cooking, the cleaning the yard work, pretty much everything to keep the house up to par. (I always have to be honest, even during my previous marriage) If she does anything, it’s over done and praise is expected to be given to her or she’ll go nuts claiming she’ll never help again.
Then, more love bombing! And pressure to have sex, all the time! It’s like she doesn’t remember my condition at all! And if I don’t, it’s because she’s fat. My daughters are rail thin, my ex is thin, and she’s constantly reminding me that she’s not.
She’ll get in my lap and put her face so close to mine that all I see is a blur. She’s smiling and staring into my eyes and it makes so uncomfortable. She literally smothers me in kisses until I can’t take any more and try to get her off of me. When I do I get comments like, “Your ex really F’d you up”, or “I’ll just become a nun”.
My girls (20 and 18) temporarily move back in with their sons, (one each). She’s now working at Walmart close to home, day shift so we’re on the same schedule. It’s louder at home now, as expected with two toddlers running around. And the house is becoming more “lived in” so to speak.
It’s a little harder to keep things clean, but manageable as long as everyone pitches in, and for the most part they do. Our laundry gets mixed up and she insists on doing all of it, even when I try to tell her not to, and that my girls are old enough to do their own. She insists and then I get it thrown in my face later saying that all she is to my daughters is the maid.
A couple of weeks ago, her and her son come home from work, (he’s an apprentice for a tattoo shop) and he corners me in a separate room to tell me, “You better do something before my mom gets hurt. And if she does, I’m going to be pissed”.
So of course I get upset and I go to find out what’s going on. She tells me that she’s tired of being walked on by my kids and that rules need to be put into place immediately. I try to explain (to both of them) that they are ADULTS. You can not re-program an adult expecting them to change overnight.
Nothing got resolved that night. I can’t change who my daughters are, and I’m not kicking them out. I flat out told her that if she’s making me choose between her and her son over my kids, my kids will win hands down. She didn’t seem phased about that at all.
The conversation progressed to her accusing me of spending the available funds on our Sam’s account. I had to remind her that we got new cards in the mail and that they needed to be activated. She’s the one that pointed out we both got two cards (4 total) but didn’t seem to remember still.
When she left the hospital, she cashed out all of her retirement. paid off her son’s funeral bill, and her outstanding credit card debt. From that point on, I’ve been paying all of the bills. Including the credit cards that are now almost maxed out again.
All the while, she’s constantly groping me, she’ll see that I’m changing clothes and run and shut the door and try to grope me more. She’ll grab me inappropriately in the kitchen, or living room sometimes while others are just around the corner…..it’s so weird to me! (Am I crazy for thinking this is just odd for people our age??)
She’ll come up to me, most of the time when I’m in the middle of doing something for myself, my hands would be full of tools or coffee and just hug me for what seems like forever. As if she doesn’t want me to have time to myself…
I came across this website and figured I should check the call logs to see if she’s got “other men”. And low and behold….she’s been texting another man behind my back for quite some time.
So, I’m sure I left out a lot, feel free to ask questions but if anyone can tell me, do you think I’m dealing with a sociopath? Or, does she suffer from Martyr Complex? My gut tells me that I should start working on my exit, or should I say her exit….
September 27, 2016 at 1:32 pm #23657
Moosie – I’ve never heard the term Martyr Complex. I can say that sociopaths typically like to play the victim – it’s one of their strategies. The objective is to get you to feel sorry for her, so that she can control you.
BTW – sociopaths ALWAYS know more than their bosses and co-workers, and ALWAYS blame others for their work problems.
So Yes, I would say she has some level of disorder. At best, she is a cheating parasite. It could be worse. A lot worse. So the sooner you get her and her son out of your life, the better off you will be.
It will be difficult. Once she gets wind of the fact that you’re done, she will ramp up the antics. Stay the course and get away.
October 2, 2016 at 8:38 pm #23687
Even if she’s not disordered, there are some challenges without considering a disorder. Since both of you began this new relationship when you were recently divorced from long marriages, you may be moving too fast for both of you. It takes time to process what went wrong in the previous marriage and to clear the old baggage out before entering a new fulltime relationship.
Sounds like there is some significant incompatibility that may be deal breaking. It is not necessarily abnormal to like to touch and cuddle (and grope!) one’s partner often, but not everyone is touchy feely in that way. It works best if both partners have the same needs physically, or have the ability to consider that their partner is not wired the same way and to compromise.
House rules are not necessarily out of the question, even for adult children. My 20 year old son pays a fair rent, contributes significantly to indoor chores and yardwork; and we have agreed upon rules. This works for me, but not everyone shares the same style of how a household runs.
Given your medical condition, there are ways you could satisfy your partner regardless of your own functioning but this could be one sided and not very satisfying for either of you.
Children from previous relationships present many challenges and complexities in blended families.
The problems you and your partner are facing are difficult even with a deep mutual commitment and with a lot of maturity and selflessness on both partners’ parts. Even without a disorder present, it would take a lot of work and change to have a successful relationship. You might start with cooperative communication with your partner to see if you can resolve problems. You may find that your goals and her goals, both long term and short term, are too different to find any middle ground you can agree on. It may be that you and she are not compatible.
You might consider ending the relationship for the benefit of both parties if the problems can’t be resolved.
October 4, 2016 at 9:04 am #23709
Yes, I agree with Donna (and she is the expert). I call it the pity ploy. They love pity. I got this my whole life from my sister and also now from my sociopath bf. I would not let her and her family in my house. I fear for you matters will get worse. As I read your story I was waiting for when you were going to get to the financial part. This will only get worse. The bills will get higher.
Find them an apartment and change the locks on your doors. It’s one thing to be made a fool of. Don’t wait until she exhausts your bank account.
January 10, 2017 at 5:21 am #24537
Are you out of the problem now?
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