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Narcissistic Mother – the perfect training ground to marry a psychopath

This topic contains 12 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 1 day, 13 hours ago.

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  • #22613

    audreydoomer
    Participant

    In my forties, I realized just how disordered my mother is, and began to realize that growing up with a narcissistic mother is the perfect preparation, or training ground, for marrying a psychopath (which I did in my mid-twenties and divorced in my early thirties). I’m wondering if anyone else has discovered that their FOO is disordered.

    I can see her narcissistic traits so clearly now, and see how I grew up being devalued put down, and dismissed. I also see how I allowed my ex to treat me the same way. Anything personal I told her (in the past) she used against me, so we now have a shallow relationship. At this point, we just share factual information.

    Anyone else?

  • #22615

    stopbuggingme
    Participant

    I agree. Came from the same situation. I was taught to be a mom pleaser and devalued when I tried to become my own person, which is the healthy progression. Anytime I tried to become healthy I was devalued. One thing I have done to progress my health is to reparent myself, give myself the love and compassion that I tried to give my own children. And to support myself as my own mother in difficult situation and in my successes. It really has been life changing. This was introduced by my group therapist that I attended when my spath was discarding me. So lucky to have found this support and this new way of life. Being my own loving mother.

  • #22641

    Canuck
    Participant

    I do not trust myself to have relationships. There is my first love, whom I married young in Seattle, whose family rescued me from my father temporarily. Think my father was his demise and I am so very sorry for that – if only would have known what I know now. Since then it seems I have attracted / been attracted to control freaks ~ narcissists out for themselves only. The adult me finds others are Martians, a different species. My Seattle love was during the hippie era when we related on peace and goodwill. I am so lucky to have lived through those times, the music and message I identified with because of my need to escape injustice/cruelty. Those idealistic times saved me.

    Thank God for the Internet because it taught me the reason my relationships become one sided is my upbringing. Have stopped beating myself up but still find I am a huge magnet for those who are not there for me and only see me as supply to boss and take over my life.

    Think my upbringing has damaged me beyond repair, because automatically I default to people pleaser/giver co-dependant in relationships. I do not understand any other way of being with the opposite sex. I do not know how to ask for what I need, in theory yes but not in practice.

    My narcissistic mother is still alive and just recently I learned about and discovered what emotional incest is….
    Mother and sister both live in Germany and when my brother died mother moved in with my sister, fought with her and moved out with my sister’s son. Now my sister and her son are not on speaking terms. Mother kidnapped my two youngest siblings in the 60s from Canada and repeated the same action on the child of the daughter (kidnapped my sister and now took her child) she kidnapped – the next generation she took away taking her grandson from my sister. Cannot imagine how damaged my sister has got to be because she does not comprehend the craziness of mother’s actions.

    When mother phones I am in a state of apprehension for a long time and these are long distance calls. In retrospect my weight gains coincide with family of origin contact. Time does heal enough to get the weight down but then out of the blue an unknown number, mother blocks her calls from Germany, gets me back into emotional eating. I do not have her number yet she can call me anytime and in our world this is seen as normal. While writing this realize can have my number changed again and now that my siater is not on speaking terms with mother will not get sucked into contact through Facebook family emergency BS. I would put her number to direct all calls to the answering machine and then erase without listening but think mother is aware of that.

    I tired to let her know it isn’t normal for me not to have her number while she can call me anytime she pleases but try being heard by an evil manipulater. I have been programmed to that type of default in relationships, I have no rights and the parent’s lies and selfishness are normal. From day one I have never had rights therefore even though I have understanding of what is going on my default kicks in as soon as it becomes ‘relationship’ beyond friendship.

    Know am rambling. But in rambling one learns, was not aware till now that mother knows I get hooked by mother’s voice and by going unknown caller stops me from going no contact. Lovefraud is great for insight. Thank you Donna.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  Canuck.
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  • #22664

    Infinity
    Participant

    For sure. I know now, and for some time my mother is a narcissist and my sister and sociopath. My Father was normal, but he is now deceased. I believe it is from living with these two women (my sister is 9 years older) that every man I dated, was engaged to, or married was either a narcissist, sociopath, or Borderline Personality disorder. It all makes sense. I got so used to the bullying and mistreatment from my mom and sister it didn’t seem at all unusual for the man in my life to treat me the same. My father being the only normal one may have left me to believe only females are disordered, but not men. I have been accused of being naive my whole life. Now, with Donna ‘s blog, and additional research, I feel I am better equipped to recognize a disordered person earlier on. Now to just let go of the compassion I have for tolerating these types!

    • #22715

      vanessavango
      Participant

      There were 5 in my family of origin, 3 are malignant narcissists: my older sister, my mother, and my father

      I married a sociopath.

      Found out recently, my daughter, who I have ridiculously pampered as a co-dependent would for 23 exhausting years hangs out with my older malignant narcissist sister and badmouths me to everyone. Hopefully this is the last knife to the heart I will have to take.

      so much evil….too much for me

  • #22689

    Cinna
    Participant

    I am right there with you. Narcissistic mother & normal father. I learned to be wary of women and when the toxic man love bombed me I did not recognize the wolf in sheep’s clothing. The validation here is life saving, isn’t it ?!

  • #23710

    Infinity
    Participant

    I have to update what I wrote in June.
    My mother passed away a few weeks ago. She was a narcissist to the end. Her last month , spent in the hospital, had me rummaging through her apartment to get documents to fill out insurance forms and nursing home forms. I found out her entire identity was a lie. Her whole biography was fictitious . My whole family, the person who raised me, everything, was a lie. I was Catfished by my own Mother! It’s no wonder I met my current sociopath bf under the same catfish conditions. He too, presented an entirely fictitious identity.
    I wonder if these disordered mother’s train us to trust people we should not neccesarily trust. I have been fooled hundreds of times in my life. And it doesn’t seem to be stopping.
    I wish my mother was coherent enough for me to tell her her jig was up and I knew everything. But alas, she went to her grave feeling she maintenence her lies over 60 years.
    If you want to know the truth about someone, wait for them to die. You’ll have it then, if ever.

  • #24026

    madhousewife
    Participant

    helo

  • #24143

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    I think this is true.

  • #24165

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    My mother was narcissistic but as she aged and lived to be 97 I began to feel sorry for her.

  • #24221

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    I didn’t like my narcissistic mother but there was a possible inheritance so I was nice until she passed at 97. I think she affected my relationships.

  • #24261

    Stargazer
    Participant

    I agree. My mother was extremely narcissistic and probably borderline. There are so many ways in which this has affected my life – I discover more ways all the time. There were some key milestones in my recovery. One was to really feel and discharge the rage of the abandonment. This happened throughout my 20’s and 30’s and somewhat into my 40’s. After that, it still took several years to forgive. Forgiveness of the grievance was key for me, but I still suffer with the temptation to isolate and become invisible. But on the plus side, I can also see through a lot of people’s games who have never had to introspect, and so some of my being alone is due simply to having higher standards. I am a firm believer in becoming the change I want to see in the world. Then I attract the types of like-minded people I want to be around. And if they don’t come around, I just continue to work on myself.

  • #24305

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Stargazer I also discover ways I have been affected.

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