I've lost all hope and even the will to live anymore. Looking for hope.
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Tagged: No will to carry on
January 18, 2017 at 11:59 pm #24646
I’ll try to summarize as much as possible. Had a wonderful childhood, very happy, loved life, over-achiever who set and reached goals with hard work and discipline. Had never been exposed to abuse, thus I had no idea how to handle it when I met my ex-husband at the age of 16. He is on the extreme end of the narcissistic scale and is a psychopath. I was always so dumbfounded and confused by these horrible rages (I’m very lucky to be alive, to put it mildly), couldn’t believe what was happening (it was always illogical), so I would try to make sense of it and would ultimately think I had to have done something wrong to provoke him. I knew nothing about abuse. He has stalked me since we dated, never faithful, but I had to abide by a diffeeent set of standards. I had grown up knowing only of loving marriages in which the men protected and provided for their wives. I was so ignorant. Throughout high school, I had many friends, was popular, Homecoming Queen, excellent academics, cheerleader, and other sports. I was also talented musically with singing and piano. I married him at 18…he even bullied me into that, as I tried to break up with him just before the wedding due to him cheating three weeks before our wedding. He’d always threaten suicide, guilt-trips, an arsenal of weapons to force me to comply. Throughout the marriage, I always thought if I did this better or that better, looked perfect, loved him more, was more agreeable, that he would change. Of course, he did not. One by one, he ensured my girlfriends would never return or want anything to do with me. He slept with some, turned some against me, and was cruel to my more loyal friends. He kept me completely isolated unless we were with his friends. I became very depressed. I’d always had a very healthy fear of drugs and steered clear of them all through high school. He would leave me alone for days sometimes using with his friends. He eventually coerced me into trying things, ensuring that I was brainwashed and using recreationally wouldn’t hurt anything. Wanting his approval, I eventually tried things and quickly loved how I no longer felt depressed. Also, while we were using, he was always very nice to me,having long talks and was attentive. We only used occasionally in the beginning. I had learned how to behave in a manner that did not provoke him. Learned to agree with whatever he wanted, gave him every paycheck I earned and asked permission before buying even a tube of lipgloss. I wasn’t even allowed to mention times he was with other women or he’d attack me. There were just some topics that I was not allowed to discuss. I don’t know how, but I managed to earn three degrees through all of this while working full time and having small children. I had set goals and was determined to achieve them. He was a completely different person at work and publicly. Was always charming, excellent speaker and conversationalist. He is extremely intelligent, great chess player, and can win anyone over. As he once told me, “I can make anyone like me and I can make anyone believe anything I want them to believe”. He was exactly right about that. I divorced him after the first ten years of marriage, and it was hell on earth. He did absolutely unbelievable things. Tapped my line listening to all my calls, stalked me, would burst through the door at any given time to attack me, stole my car and wrecked it, tore the house apart, slashed tires, etc. While he’d tell me in great detail about his intimate interactions with other women, I had to hide and go to another state if I wanted to date someone. I finally had to fly to Texas from Alabama to hide from him. I was always too afraid he’d really kill me (I believe he would have) if I called the police. I eventually gave up, the kids were very young, and I remarried him. I lost my teaching job due to my absences from the events that transpired. I luckily quickly found another job. I must mention that he never felt any guilt or remorse for anything that he did…ever. He’s never apologized or asked for forgiveness when he would hit me, choke me, etc. He would act as though it were any other day, nothing unusual had happened, & I was expected to act the same. Other than his close friends and brother, no one had a clue that he was not the person he portrayed in public. He was very well-liked, & even my parents loved him. I never told them anything. It was too unbelievable. My depression worsened. After having several surgeries, the last being rotator cuff, I became addicted to pain pills. Oh, how he enjoyed playing the poor husband whose wife was an addict. Skipping ahead, I attempted suicide, was almost successful and cried and begged that I didn’t want to wake up again once I was conscious three days later and realized it didn’t work. He again, reveled in the pity he received for having a crazy drug addicted wife. I eventually lost my job, and this time he divorced me while I was in rehab(because of my addiction). I did very well in recovery, received great therapy, had found a new job, & finally felt happy for the first time in years. I failed to mention that he is very powerful, holds the highest rank for a major oil company and is very arrogant about his income and position. He threatened that he would sue me for full custody and child support (and I was unemployed), so once I learned the kids wanted to see us equal amounts of time, I agreed and received nothing. He kept our home, everything. I made my peace with that once I was teaching again and doing fine without his money. He had a girlfriend, & I thought this time he’d leave me alone. I did let him know that this time, he was not allowed to even get out of the car when he picked up the kids or I would call the police. I’d finally learned from therapy and set firm boundaries. He hit me in a completely different manner this time which has been worse than any of the physical abuse. He continuously called my superintendent with complaints about me, began dating or befriending people affiliated with my school, and finally sent a mass text to my students and parents about rehab, & I had to resign. The kids and I had the most precious little house that we loved. I tried a different job working from home, & was cyber attacked, losing access to all technology (spyware had been installed). I’d been dating someone, we were together for two years. He seemed like a dream at first, was exactly what I was looking for. I loved him very much and he had begun to talk about marriage and rings. I know this may be impossible to believe, but I swear it is true (as much as I tried to tell myself it wasn’t true). I just found out that this person that said I was the one & his soulmate is a private investigator hired by my ex-husband. My “boyfriend”, the love of my life, who knew what I’d already been through was faking the entire relationship and even has his own real girlfriend. I have had a nervous breakdown, was diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder, lost everything, the cute house, had to file bankruptcy and move back home with my parents. I just can’t seem to get back up this time. I am so heart-broken, bewildered, cry constantly, have lost all ability to function, am grieving for the loss of so much when I did everything I was supposed to do to be a productive member of society. Not only do I have to live with all this, but it’s all so bizarre that only my therapist believes the craziness from the past two years. She’s not surprised by any of it, but I’m treated as though I’m a mental patient and drug addict who ruined my life on my own. Nothing could be farther from the truth!! This is not a choice, but I physically can not get out of bed, socialize with anyone, I’m just here, a completely empty shell of a person with no hope or will to carry on. Law enforcement will not do anything to help me. No one can help me. They keep saying you must let it go and move on, but that’s what I’ve done for over 20 years! I just can’t accept it this time nor accept there are no repercussions. I don’t have the resilience left to recover this time, & even if I did it would all be taken away again. I can’t describe how tortured I feel every minute of the day. I can’t believe this is where my life has taken me or that I’m here in this place at 40 years old, after all my efforts and hard work. Please, if anyone out there can offer any help at all as to how to go on living. I want to for my children, but I physically and mentally don’t feel I have the capacity to continue with life anymore.
January 19, 2017 at 1:41 am #24653
No wonder you are feeling so hopeless. That is enough betrayal and trauma for three lifetimes. First things first. It sounds more like you don’t have the physical or emotional capacity to continue with this crazy life anymore. Life (“normal” life) is not what you have been experiencing. You have been experiencing crazy-making life.
You are exhausted by these games. Exhaustion needs rest. Mental rest can be achieved making an appointment with your doctor and getting the right medication. SSRI (antidepressants) with a sedating side effect sound like something that might work if you are depressed (and you sound like you might be depressed).
The addiction background might make it difficult to prescribe sleeping pills or other sedative medications, but having a good sleep does provide a break from the swirling thoughts and feelings that have you in their grip.
If you have insurance, a stint in hospital might provide you with a chance to rest in a safe place.
The other kind of rest is a time-out from your feelings during your waking hours. You provide this by doing fun things. Seriously. Do something you really enjoy. It won’t cure your problems in the short term, but it does give your poor, exhausted mind some respite. I don’t know what you like, but I know people who like going to the movies (not a sad movie or one about betrayal), walking in the park or doing painting, yoga or running. I like knitting. It calms my nerves and gives me something to think about (like trying to find that pesky dropped stitch). I also do baking and (believe it or not) housecleaning. Anything that gets the mind out of terminal loop of thoughts is good.
Even a five minute time-out of a fun distraction helps your brain to start to heal. Time outs short circuit the nerve pathways that are going round and round each other in your brain. Sure, the feelings will re-emerge, but when they do, this is to be expected. When they do, start doing something fun again. The purpose really is to just distract yourself from how awful you feel. Yes, this really works. I did research on this a few years ago, and I was surprised at how effective having “fun” was compared to other interventions.
I googled “uplifting jokes” once. That was kind of fun. I also like online jigsaw puzzles. They can be downloaded for free and they don’t drive me crazy because they sort of turn themselves around into the right way up, so it is easier.
What things did you enjoy doing before this crazy-making person got into your life? You sound really sporty and musical (the cheer-leading thing is to music, I think???). Does Zumba appeal?
I saw a TV program last year about a cheer-leading team in Canada that won the US nationals. I can remember when cheer-leaders had pom-poms. When did you guys stop using pom-poms and go big time into the tumbling? I’m fascinated by cheering. It always is better entertainment than the sport they are cheering for.
January 19, 2017 at 3:48 am #24675
Hi. I am so sorry to hear about your experiences with this person. Do you have any close friends near by you? I know it seems like a life time you have been fighting this seemingly endless nightmare but you are only 40 years old and have your entire life ahead of you. I think what Madeline suggested about rest is probably what you need. You need time to recover from this mentally and physically. You need to regain your strength and confidence in body and mind. Yoga really helps me. Eating well, no alcohol, being outside in nature.is there any friends you could do these activities with? Sending you love and light.
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