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Is there a name for this behaviour?

This topic contains 7 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  AnnettePK 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #23134

    bluebell
    Participant

    Could you help tell me what this behaviour might be please:
    met him on August 5th 2011 off a dating website. A mutual attraction- I was open and honest about who I was (40 years)- as did he seem (35), I was told he was three months separated, living in a flat, an electrical engineer, had his three kids aged 1,3 and 4 every weekend and his wife had had affairs with several people. after 6 weeks we felt in love and he wanted to give up his flat and move in with his folks until we could do something together- I was happy to put my home on the market, late r to learn his wife had run up debt, pay it off with m equity and move together- as the months went by there seemed an unease for me, I felt madly in love and he told me I was the love of his life, his soul mate but he seemed tight around money and was not forthcoming with contributing, he also became very jealous of my male friends but I could cope with that- he presented himself as strong, Confident and decisive. Two years in I ended it due to the many argument s around money, he was living in my house and getting him to contribute was on going. He insinuated that my bad family history that I had shared was making me as I was, we had a perfect relationship and he couldn’t love me more, it went on an I pieced together that he had been lying when he met me, there never was a flat, he had been separated three months, not a year. As time went on during our offs we would last a few months before one of us would make contact- I went into a huge depression a few years back as it was making me so I’ll but I felt so much love, he kept coming back after every end I made. At one point he was to tell me he had been dating. This turned out to be a five month relationship with a young girl who was his sister’s friend, he had maintained contact with me throughout half their time together, and not told me anything other than how much he was loving and missing me, he dumped her and we resumed our relationship until I found out that he had been with her and far beyond dating’ last gear I again cracked in May to be told he was having therapy an panic attacks and had seen the light, h was a mess, he cried, he could see he had been pretentious and tried to impress me- he wanted to waste no more time and whisked me off to Amsterdam and proposed. I was ecstatic, his family did not seem overjoyed and when we arrived back I smelt a rat so I messAged his sister to ask why she wasn’t happy for him and that he had told me he was sorry for using her friend but she had meant nothing. She informed me their relationship had been longer, he’d taken her away an spent New year with her while messaging me and though he had dumped her be had asked her back out. He totally denied this to me but the distrust was mounting, my head was fried and I was distraught but finally I gave the ring back and walked away. I’m still not over him then I get a message from a woman asking about me’ My last contact with him was Feb, I made up a new man, as with all his messages he refers to his undying love for me, how he will never look for another, how he needs me and how I’ve helped him through his panic attacks. This woman he met on a dating website at the same time, she’s a businesswoman, 2 homes and was wanting answers. Who was I? She knew nothing other than he’d seen someone but the distance was a problem, same lie about living in a flat, she’d taken him on holiday and paid, taken him to see phantom of the opera and stay at the Savoy for his 40kth, I said did he tell you we’d been together, no’ he also won’t let her tag anything on Facebook and she was about to buy another house for he and his children to move into, I gave her all of the messages and photos she asked for as proof and when she told him we had spoken he called me some woman who had made his and his families life he’ll.
    My questions are, what is that behaviour? I worshipped the ground he walked on and I believed he worshipped me, he committed and made every effort to be with me but there was always this suspicion around money.
    How do I move forward? Why do I feel jealous? Why do I even care? Was it real or otherwise? Will they live happily ever after…. I found getting over a violent marriage easier, I feel absolutely traumatised by this loss, it’s like losing the most magical time of your life that wasn’t even real.
    I would add as a footnote that when my daughter was 4 she told me he was switching her bedroom light on and off at night and then that he had stood on her lunch box intentionally when j wasn’t here, he put it down to a child being jealous and one of his favourite terms came up ,’it’s her perspective’. He was always cool with me, never got angry, very passive bit would constantly tell me that issues were done to my perspective.
    Id love your thoughts on this, I really would xx

  • #23139

    Redwald
    Participant

    Well, I could think of a dozen names for his behavior. Most of those that occur to me off the top of my head begin with the letter P!

    PARASITICAL, that’s the first word that comes to mind. This guy is a financial bloodsucker! PREDATORY is another word for that. And let’s face it, his miserable lying excuses are PATHETIC… and so is he!

    He’s also PROMISCUOUS, with all those females he’s been chasing. I’m relieved to hear that you’ve dumped him and won’t be sleeping with him any more. You don’t know where he’s been, so you don’t know what you might catch from him!

    Funny, I just finished watching an old episode of Dalziel and Pascoe (yeah, they show it here in the U.S.–ten years behind the times, this was from 2006), and it reminded me that while men usually get over a dose of the clap (politely called “gonorrhea”), a simple disease like that can still leave women sterile. So it pays to be careful about what kind of alley cats we may be sleeping with, especially for women, who often have more to lose.

    Then I got to the bit about your daughter, and I thought anyone would have to be pretty sick to play filthy tricks like that on a little four-year-old child. So PERVERTED was the next description of him that came to mind.

    But overall, what with the shameless lying, the sneaky, controlling and manipulative behavior and everything else, the P-word that fits this guy best is PSYCHOPATHIC! You’re well rid of him!

    But how about you? It’s likely that he did get one thing half right. I’m guessing that your “bad family history” probably did “make you as you are.” Except that he got it backwards. It’s not that your family history made you hard to get along with, if that’s what he was insinuating. On the contrary, I’m betting your family history made you TOO EASY to get along with, for exploiters like him especially. If you’d had a good family history, you’d probably have kicked this guy to the curb far earlier. It’s not as if he’s the only abuser you’ve found yourself with, since you mentioned a violent marriage.

    If this keeps happening to you, it’s likely that your family failed to teach you what good families try to teach their children. Important lessons like “there are WOLVES in the forest” (and how to spot them). And “make sure you look after NUMBER ONE,” no matter how much “in love” you feel.

    This of course was their fault, not yours, and fortunately these are lessons you can still learn. Good luck!

    Oh, and P.S. No, he and his new lady love will NOT live “happily ever after.” If she owns two homes at present, she’ll be lucky if she’s left with one by the time he’s finished with her!

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Redwald.
    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Redwald.
  • #23157

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Bluebell – the guy is a classic sociopath. The relationship was never real to him – he was only using you.

    Keep reading Lovefraud – everything written here on this website applies to your situation.

    I am so sorry for your experience. It is very painful.

  • #23167

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    His behaviors are classic sociopath/psychopath, which include lying, love bombing you at the beginning, accelerating the pace of the relationship at the beginning, gas lighting you, cheating on you, setting you up, abuser’s remorse, and exploiting you sexually, spiritually, financially, physically, and emotionally. His behaviors read like a list of the ‘red flags’ of a sociopath. He devalued and discarded you.

    You feel jealous and you care because you’re a normal person who bonds with her partner. You loved the person he pretended to be, not the person he really is. He lied to you about how he felt about you in order to manipulate you into giving him things he wanted from you. You are grieving a real loss that you experienced.

    It’s been empirically shown that victims of physical abuse recover more quickly, more easily and faster than do victims of emotional abuse.

    Some things that helped me recover and move on were to have no contact at all with my ex psychopath, and to allow myself to grieve the loss, to feel and express frustration, anger, jealousy, etc, to spend time doing activities, and spend time with family and friends. I also read a lot (about 50+ books) about abuse and sociopaths.

    • #23246

      LolaGirl
      Participant

      Brilliant AnnettePK. This is exactly what they do. They LOVE bomb you (although they have no idea what love is), they accelerate the relationship (then you think you are going crazy because they claim they never let the relationship escalate – it was all you), they do in fact gas-light, they devalue and discard you.

      When this happened to me years ago with one freak, he kept telling me I was very jealous, I had never been a jealous woman, I am still not. The hardest part is “loving” someone that he pretended to be.

  • #23168

    bluebell
    Participant

    Wow, thank you for your replies.
    I genuinely thought as I had never been dumped by him (it was always me telling him it was over) and also that he had never been unfaithful whilst with me, that he did not fit the mould of these terms.
    I’m very grateful for your time and insights and the healing work has now began

  • #23248

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Bluebell,

    Consider that your ex likely manipulated you into breaking up with him, when it suited his purpose. They are puppet masters, they push our buttons.

    I didn’t think my ex spath was dangerous nor unfaithful, but with time I found out he isn’t even heterosexual (child porn, cross dresser, etc.) Eventually, I realized that he could have murdered people for all I knew. I don’t know that he did ever murder, but I know that he is capable of it if it suits his purpose. I came to realize that whatever horrors he is and does that I happened to find out about are likely the tip of the iceberg. This may not be the case regarding your ex, but it seems to be the usual pattern in the case of spaths with abusive behavior that they almost always are cheating, they often practice perversions, and they are lying, cheating, deceiving, everyone according to the relationship and situation. If he was sadistic to you, he’s sadistic to others according to how they fit into his manipulations and crazy making games.

  • #23249

    AnnettePK
    Participant

    Lola,

    I relate to your description of your ex spath telling you you’re jealous over and over – he was setting you up to be jealous and to believe that you are jealous. It probably suited his purpose to have a reason to accuse you of jealousy, however that fit into whatever evil games he was playing with the people he interacted with.

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