lf1

In need of support when struggling with no contact

This topic contains 32 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  lostandalone22 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #22797

    thelittleone
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Thought it would be nice to have a thread to go to when you want to contact your toxic ex. I had no one to talk to last night and yep I sent Him a text! Feeling awful today and also feels like I have taken twenty steps backwards in my recovery process! I knew I shouldn’t have done it but did it anyway, did I gain anything? Nope just more heartache!
    Hope we can support each other!

    Xxxxx

  • #22801

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    thelittleone – It happens. If you feel the urge again, remember how bad you felt after this relapse. It will help you keep your strength up to resist the pull.

    Great Idea about this thread!

  • #22805

    thelittleone
    Participant

    Thanks Donna,

    Yes I won’t be doing that again in a hurry, on the upside for me his response was predictable so that’s something to hang onto.

    Am hoping this thread will stop others hitting the send button!

  • #22829

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    I know I need it thanks thelittleone! The night time is gonna be the worse for me today. This is day 1! I just keep reading my books over and over! Three by Zarri I got on amazon. “When love is a lie”, the no contact one (help with leaving) and “stop spinning and start living” help with stoping the thoughts that keep the mental connection it’s a work book. I really saw who I was dealing with when I read ‘woman who love psychopaths by Sandra L Brown. Is there anyplace to chat?

    • #22830

      thelittleone
      Participant

      Hey ladybugg,

      Hang in there, keep reading there are lots of books out there. If you go to you tube and look up self care haven, Shahida is really informative and I would also recommend her book ‘becoming the narcissists nightmare’

      Xxxxxx

  • #22832

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    will do thelittleone thanks! you hang in there too!

    • #22833

      thelittleone
      Participant

      You need to remember that contact always means you feel worse as they use it as fuel, have had a tough weekend of feeling like crap cos that’s what they do, just keep going back to something that takes your mind off them xxxx

  • #22885

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    Ahh crap wish I would have contacted this thread first ,but I fell off the wagon and it cost me my 4 days and gave me a night of pure hell!! Go me!!😔 I think I learned something tonight though we’ll see. I asked about it in the forum. Oh well better luck next time.

    • #22887

      thelittleone
      Participant

      Hang in there we all do it and the subsequent pain is enough to think a bit longer next time. Hope you are doing better now? Have a look at this website for more information support… Melanietoniaevans.com some very useful things on there. Good luck today

  • #22902

    jm_short
    Participant

    Recovery is not a straight line. You’re going to take steps forward and fall back. Instead of heaping blame on yourself when you take a tumble, try to learn from the experience so it doesn’t go to waste.

    Keep the reality of who he is present in your mind. The tug to reach out results from your brain chemistry attempting to keep you in the relationship. You have to focus on reality in order to fight the intoxicating effects of romantic love.

  • #22911

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    Thank you JM_short I guess I will have to read my books until the panicking stops!!

  • #22912

    freeandhope
    Participant

    Ladybugg try reading psychopath free it’s a brilliant healing book

  • #22938

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    I am so glad that i found this forum… I have been dealing with No Contact and I keep thinking it will get easier everyday but it seems to be getting harder. I want to talk to him so bad but know I can’t..
    A little about my story.. 3 and half years ago he showed up as my knight in shining armor after i got out of another bad relationship. Moved in together after a month but not long after the red flags started appearing but i ignored them. Over the course of 3 and a half years there was multiple girls…multiple lies(one of his best is telling everyone he has cancer)..intimidation(hes a professional mma fighter). In December of 2015 we had the perfect night together then the next morning he woke me up in a rage.. I ran out of the house in nothing but a long jacket and finally found a cop that would let me use his phone to call him and tell him to leave so i could come get some stuff. I walked in to a house destroyed and my work laptop in pieces.. I stayed with my mom a couple weeks and found a house in my hometown about 20 minutes away. I didn’t talk to him for about 2 weeks until New Years Eve when he showed up where i was in another rage and me and my daughter had to leave. After i left we started texting and actually started talking civil to each other. we text and talked to each other but didn’t see each other until about 2 weeks later i ended up being admitted to the hospital and had to have emergency surgery, he was there when i woke up and took me to my dr appt and even my next surgery.we started talking about getting back together but i still knew he was lying to me. One night in March he confessed to all that he had been doing since we split up. things got somewhat good between us but i refused to move back in with him until i was sure he wasn’t lying or sleeping with anyone else.. I never was sure of that. about 3 weeks ago he starting acting weird and putting weird statuses on Facebook when i asked him about it it got turned around once again to me being the bad one. I told him I was done playing his games and i wanted him to leave me alone. I stopped answering his calls and text. 2 days later on my day off he shows up at my house and just walks on in..He says if we are done then you need to tell me to my face. I told him he needed to leave because my 9 year old daughter and her friend were there and i told him I wasn’t going to argue in front of them. I could tell he was getting agitated so i went in my bedroom to get my phone.. He slammed the door shut and slammed me up against the wall. I yelled for my daughter to go get her brother. She ran and said bubby …… is beating up mommy. My son(who just turned 18 a week before this) came out and I will admit said something he shouldn’t have and the ex went for him. So we were all three fighting in my kitchen and living room me trying to get him off of my son(remember he is a trained professional) so i yell for one of my sons friends to call the cops. As soon as he heard the cops were on the way he left. We weren’t hurt other than some scratches and bruises. I filed a restraining order and have not talked to him since. The state pressed charges and since it happened in front of children under 14 makes it a felony. Now here is my dilemma the court did not grant the restraining order so we go to court next Wednesday over it, I am thinking of backing out of it because I am afraid if it is granted it will put him into a rage. There is a warrant out for him but he has not been picked up yet. I keep my doors locked and am always looking over my shoulder. The thing is i still miss him he was my best friend.. And i feel like a complete total idiot for this feeling. But i have no one to talk to too about it because no one understands.

  • #22940

    jm_short
    Participant

    lostandalone-

    You’ve got to stop! This man is a menace, plain and simple.

    Your longing for him results from an addiction to him. Fighting that addiction is similar to fighting an addiction to alcohol or drugs. Your brain chemistry is making you crave him.

    He is dangerous. You need to fight for that restraining order. And when he’s in court on the restraining order, the authorities can pick him up on the outstanding warrant.

    Joyce

  • #22941

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    I agree its definitely an addiction. I’m a 40 year old woman who runs a multi million dollar business and I know better than the thoughts that run through my head. I just can’t make the thoughts stop. No matter what I do!
    I really don’t think he will show up for court and the thought of him actually showing up makes me sick to my stomach.

  • #22942

    jm_short
    Participant

    You’re experiencing rumination. Here’s a link that could help you. http://bit.ly/2akg6jy

  • #22946

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    Thank you!!!

  • #23023

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    FreeandHope I started reading psycopath free yes it is very very good thank you hang in there lostandalone22 your not lost anymore now you know what your dealing with you feel lost with out him. Where you are is at the beginning of getting your life back and getting back to who you really are.(that’s what I am telling myself everyday.) use your senses to ground yourself too look at something, touch something, smell something and breath!! You are not alone either you have all of us. I am having a good day today! It will get better don’t let him rattle you. Stay quite and calm when you go to court. From what I have learned he made you defensive for a reason (to make you look unhinged) just be as quite as you can and (I don’t know your beliefs) I ask the lord to give me peace and he does!

  • #23030

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    Thank you.. I really don’t see him showing up for court. Simply because he has a warrant out for him.and i know he doesn’t want to go back to jail. Today has been a fairly good day for me also I actually got out of my room and cleaned and cooked dinner!!

  • #23032

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    That’s great stay Strong!! Cooking and cleaning is very therapeutic for me! I have to have my music blasting of coarse😊

  • #23033

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    OH yeah music blasting is a must!

  • #23034

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    One thing i am dealing with today is i took this week for vacation so we could go see his daughter. Obviously I am not going and I doubt he is either unless someone else is funding the trip. But his mom still wants me to come. I told her the wounds were still to fresh and I don’t think it would be a good idea. But oh how i miss the ocean!

  • #23036

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    You have to set your own boundaries where his family members are concerned that is hard I know. I just don’t do anything that could hurt me in anyway. I also keep in mind that they did not do anything to me and do not even know what he did. Just be careful. Most of mines family members have seen who he really is and want nothing to do with him.

  • #23037

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    His family knows what he has done and his mom even told me a long time ago to leave him. About a week after the huge blow up i text her and told her i know that he is her son and her number one priority but i wanted her to know that i tried and i am sorry and lost and she replied that yes he is her son and she loves him but does not love nor like the things that he does and i would always be a part of their family and they love me. That made me feel better. So tomorrow I am taking my daughter to Kings Island Amusement park and I am going to have a good day no matter what!

  • #23081

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    Just an update!!Went to court Wednesday and they didn’t even have court over the restraining order he actually showed up and they just took him to jail. He bonded right out and now I am scared to death he is planning something stupid. I booby trapped my whole house last night. He swore he would never go back to jail. There is a No contact order. Strange thing is he sees this all as my fault none of his.. I just don’t get it!!!

  • #23084

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    Sorry lostandalone22 I hope everything works out. Is there anyone you can have stay over with you? I am hopeful his not wanting to go to jail will keep him from doing anything stupid! Yes mine is the same way too he thinks everything is my fault innocent little him never did anything. I honestly don’t think he would ever take responsibility for anything. I guess they are all that way! Read the books and educate yourself…it keeps you strong and helps pass the time too..

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Ladybugg.
  • #23086

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    I have a houseful tonight with my daughter and her friend, my sons friend that stays here and a couple of their friends. My son will be home soon from work so hopefully tonight I can actually get some sleep. But tonight has not been a good night at all. It seems I am the go to person when anyone has a problem… I have a friend who is needing advice about her son.. a friend who just now found out she is pregnant and not a good situation..and another friend who is having major arguments with her husband.. they are all coming at me for advice and I have helped them all out and the whole time I just wanted to say Can you guys really not see I am having a complete breakdown here freaking out! That is just it no one understands how I am not happy he is going to jail and how i can not be over him!!

  • #23087

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    I totaly understand…..no one understands because this is not a normal break up. People don’t get the addiction and the way we’ve been programmed to feel ways that are even against our own will.
    My counselor sent me an article on gas lighting and the after affects I let my real close friends and family read it. (Just so they would see why it is so much harder then a normal relationship)
    Remember they program this desperate love that is harder to loose then just loosing love. Read “psycopath free” that is a really good book. Read as many books as you can get on the subject and get the healing from pathological relationships relaxation Cd from Sandra L Brown I will go get the link to it for ya.

    Guided Relaxation for Repairing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships


    It really helps me…good luck you are sarounded by people who love you it seems! I do know the feeling I am the go to for support and advise too and I just want to scream “can’t you see I can’t even help myself right now” I don’t need more to worry about and I am not handling things from other people very well right now I am afraid ,but I usually am just brutally honest about how bad I feel inside and I tell them “trust me I did not think it was possible for someone to get such a hold on you and affect you this way, but now I know better” I ask them to hang tough with me that I am learning all I can to get through it so I can get things back together for myself😊 My friends and family all love me they have been very supportive yours would too I am sure.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  Ladybugg.
  • #23097

    needreallove
    Participant

    I have only gone 4 days NC and I just now texted!! What is wrong with me??
    My brain understands that he’s a psychopath but it’s like I’m addicted to the strongest drug ever.
    I haven’t eaten or slept well since I went NC…..lost 10 lbs and am having anxiety attacks non stop.
    I have an appointment with a therapist next week but when he texted me back he said he would call tomorrow.
    Omg I’m sooo weak right now. Please Help

  • #23098

    jm_short
    Participant

    @needreallove

    You, indeed, are addicted to the strongest drug ever! Romantic love is an addiction. It affects the same brain chemistry as narcotics and alcohol. When people ingest or inject their drug of choice, they understand that they are causing their brain to behave in a certain way. But when we’re “in love” we don’t grasp the affects of the neuropeptides and hormones that are stirred by affection and love.

    Take it easy on yourself. If you were abstaining from alcohol or drugs, there could be backsliding. Don’t question your resolve. Every day is a new day. It’ll get easier. Don’t beat yourself up!

  • #23099

    Ladybugg
    Participant

    I am sorry you are having a hard time😔 I am too I have been thinking about my Spath all day today! I have had a panick about me because of it. If I sleep I dream about him, I wake up sweating and panicking! Your right it is like the strongest drug ever. I just try to remember the mean cycles and the way he (suttely put me down) the total betrayal of how he acted like he felt about me and how quickly I realized that I was living with someone who acted more like they hated me then loved me! He added absolutly nothing to my life! Yes he might be nice for a minuet. You know it will all quickly turn into a living hell though. Why does he have to wait till tommorow to call anyway? See someone who loves you and cares would want to talk to you! I got tired of constantly being reminded I was quite easy to replace that’s not LOVE!! Your name says it all needreallove! It is extremely hard I think it gets harder everyday for me not easier ,but that’s only because I think he has surely found someone else to sweep off their feet by now. That is the key it’s all fake! He’ll end up treating her like crap! And I honestly don’t miss a thing about who he actually is I miss the act he conned me into believing! “The illusion” there are allot of people who say it gets better though. I just have to except the truth and stop fighting it. We all do! My ex’s first ex told me it took her 4 years to get back to feeling like herself she was with in allot longer then me. Have faith. Know your worth…talking to him will do nothing but set you back and let him speak more poison into your brain…that’s all it’s ever done for me! Just read read read books on pathological relationship abuse and psycopaths stay strong. The more you read the more the truth sinks in and you can see how everything he said everything he did was all part of the con!
    Read “psycopath free” “when love is a lie” “no contact” “quit spinning start living” and “woman who love psycopaths” just to get you started on a list. Hang in there it’s hard. We are all here for you though.

    • #23103

      needreallove
      Participant

      Thank you Ladybugg and jm_short! He did indeed call today and I did not cry or weep or tell him I wanted him back although it took every single amount of courage I had. He was on my phone plan and I immediately stopped his service the minute we hung up so he can no longer use his phone until he gets his own plan.
      I tried to be calm and cordial and not say anything mean (although I wanted to.) He, of course is dumping me however it’s MY fault and he STILL loves me. Bullshit.
      I’m still very sick to my stomach and panicky.
      I wasted 6 years of my life on this jerk and now I’m 58 yrs old and I feel like I will never be able to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.
      Very,very,very sad right now.
      Soooo grateful to have you guys! I love you.

  • #23104

    lostandalone22
    Participant

    Keep your head up!!! It does get easier I am going on 5 weeks and everyday is still a struggle but easier every day. I know it will take years before I am completely over him if I am ever am!! But we are all in this together! I am so thankful that I found this forum!! Definitely read psychopath free.. It put a lot of things in perspective for me!

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