I'm New: 8 Weeks No Contact, Seeing the Light!
Lovefraud: How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other abusers › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › I'm New: 8 Weeks No Contact, Seeing the Light!
November 16, 2016 at 3:45 pm #24134
I’m almost finished with the book Psychopath Free, and I was eager to join their forums. Alas, I got sucked into a relationship with a sociopath way too late, as they no longer accept new members.
So, here I am! The short story: Met at running club, he worked on me for about a year before I made the first move. Love bomb, love bomb, love bomb, cheered him on during his half marathon training and meeting his goal. After that, he canceled our plans to celebrate. Rescheduled, and then silence and the beginning of desperation on my part. He sought out my friend on Tinder, I FORGAVE HIM, love bomb, silence, love bomb, love bomb, silence. Great date, stood me up the next one. Lame excuses. I apologized in situations where I wasn’t in the wrong. Lather rinse repeat until the ultimate dismissal and gaslight that happened while on a camping trip with our friends. AND THEN I WENT BACK FOR MORE.
The first no contact after the camping trip lasted three weeks before he broke it. I bought it.
Lots of back and forth later, and some truly horrid treatment (in hindsight, of course), I see him for what he is.
In the midst of us messaging about our next date and sleepover, a woman we have no friends in common with changes their Facebook status to “in a relationship” with what is obviously an old photo of them. For once, he doesn’t “like” the status change or any of the happy comments congratulating them. The status went to “It’s complicated” pretty quickly, followed by him making sure I overheard him telling someone else that he was single again. At that moment, I walked away and just when I thought I could walk out the door and leave without him seeing me, there he was in the parking lot waiting to kiss and make up. And I fell for it.
I thought I was doing the right thing by laying a few things on the table for discussion before starting up with him again. That was met with *crickets*.
After pouring my heart out, he asked for some time to read through what I wrote. After several days, I told him not to bother to respond and that I got his message (silence) loud and clear, he responded that he hadn’t “found the right words”. He never found ANY words.
I unfriended him and told him I didn’t want to do this anymore. LOVE BOMB, which I fell for for the last time. After the love bomb was the best date ever. Second date, pretty great. Made plans again. Lame excuse a hour before we’re supposed to meet. Finally, I broke away after he refused to leave me alone on a business trip. I told him I’d talk to him when I got back, and he couldn’t wait 24 hours into the trip to message me to see how it was going. He always made sure to keep a presence when I traveled alone, and that was the last time. I had already met someone else and was exploring that, so it was confusing to hear from him on that trip and for some reason I felt like I was betraying him by talking to new guy. That’s how jacked up I was in the head.
I’m pretty embarrassed at how long I let this go back and forth with a man who clearly never gave a sh*t about me. I’m especially embarrassed at some of the ridiculous excuses I made for him. The first no contact was excruciating, because I was at my lowest – gaslighted, gutted, a zombie in my own body. It felt like my soul had been sucked out. I wanted him to know how badly he had hurt me. That, I think, is one of the worst parts – he’ll never get it because he doesn’t have feelings or a conscience. I’ll never get closure or an apology.
The aforementioned book has helped a lot – I’ve actually laughed out loud at how it’s like someone wrote a book about our relationship. I’m seeking out more reading materials and podcasts – starting Baggage Reclaim today!.
Saturday will be eight weeks NC this time. We have seen each other in person but he won’t so much as look at me. I have made it clear for him not to contact me, and that I do not want to be “friends” with him as he wishes. Not many of our mutual acquaintances are aware that we dated (I was hesitant to be out in the open if we weren’t exclusive). That makes it easier to just be myself with them and avoid him when he is around.
This is the first man that I have ever dated that I KNOW that I can NEVER have contact with again. We can’t be friends, can’t be cordial… it’s over. Turns out I’m the third in our circle of friends that he has done this exact same thing to.
He has his hooks in another woman now. She’s getting the same love bomb I got this time last year, which stings. But I know how it will end, and she seems like a nice lady. A big part of me wants to warn her somehow. Maybe that’s just me wanting to help others that have been through this. I made it to my mid-40’s without ever having encountered someone like him.
It’s a powerful lesson to learn. If you’re just starting no contact, trust that it gets better. You also HAVE to block them from social media.
I’m still working on getting him out of my head. I’m looking for a counselor that deals with toxic relationships and victims of personality disorders. I can’t wait to have days come in which he never crosses my mind. I know he won’t be in my head forever. I know that I have to be vigilant in the future. I know he will reach out at some point. I know he’s broken and that he can’t be fixed.
I don’t want to talk about him anymore to my friends. I may share more details of my story here at a later time, but after reading a lot of posts, it was pretty much everyone else’s story. Uncanny.
I look forward to spending some time here, maybe making some friends, learning new ways of coping, and hopefully helping others in the same boat as me.
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