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I got dumped and went NC and now I want him back?????

This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  jm_short 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #23253

    needreallove
    Participant

    OMG What is wrong with me??? After 6 years of adoration/abuse he finally dumped me….I’m pretty sure because he found another needy woman. I went NC 14 days ago and I am so sick to my stomach. I feel like I love him and want him back so bad I’m going crazy. I KNOW NC is the right thing but he has gone NC with me which is driving me nuts….am I the narcissist??? I had a wonderful marriage for 25 years and my husband passed away. Then I met this guy and it was truly bliss and horror at the same time. Why do I want him to love me again? Why do I miss him? Is it just my ego?? I truly am going crazy. Please help.

  • #23264

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    needreallove – Involvements with a sociopath are highly addictive, and that’s why you feel like you want him back – it’s the addiction. No Contact is the solution. Stick with it, even when you feel like you want to reach out to him. If the urge arises, do something to distract yourself. Many people read love fraud to remind themselves why they do not want the sociopath back in their lives.

    Keep with No Contact. It will get better. The longer you stay away, the more his grip on you will lessen. If you give in and go back, you will feel worse.

  • #23271

    needreallove
    Participant

    Well I caved in. On the evening of my 15th day of NC I emailed him. He emailed me back and was so cruel it was nightmarish. There was absolutely no hoovering. Just the crushing blow of how crazy I was and how to never contact him again.
    Now after two weeks of beginning to heal I am back at Day 1. I have been non-stop crying and I keep reliving it and remembering how good it was at the beginning. I am totally miserable.
    So if anyone out there that is in my position of getting close to break NC….PLEASE don’t do it. Try to make it impossible to do it. Otherwise what happened to me might happen to you.
    Just a warning with much love.

    • #23272

      Portia
      Participant

      Hi needreallove – please don’t be hard on yourself for any of this.

      As horrid as it is to think it, this man does not care for you. It’s possible he doesn’t care for anyone. Maybe you will never know for sure. Whether he is a sociopath or not the more important thing to focus on is you and how you can build yourself up again and find meaning and joy in your life and remember that you are worthy of love.

      Don’t beat yourself up for breaking NC. Sometimes that happens. Wow, I’ve done that so many times too and it’s horrendous. You’re just in pain and struggling to make sense of it, like any feeling human being. You crave the connection back – that’s so natural to want. Even a connection you know is toxic to you. I’ve been there a few times too and am sort of there again at the moment. I feel for you.

      Things I’ve learned that help me: always speak to yourself like a loving big sister – no abusive inner critical voices, don’t beat yourself up for tripping up – just reassure yourself that you can only do your best in the moment and maybe the next time you can do things better, remember you are not alone in having this happen to you, connect with trusted friends – as many people you trust as you can find who will listen to you and support you, try to push yourself to do things you know are good for you (meeting friends, taking some exercise, hobbies or interests etc) – stuff that makes you happy, and when your head really starts spinning – try to stand still and breathe deeply and give yourself space to realise that this pain cannot destroy you.

      This WILL pass. Being in a relationship you describe as marked by ‘adoration/abuse’ is immensely traumatic. Please remember that you’ve experienced 6 years of emotional trauma. You’ve also lost your partner of 25 years which must have been devastating for you and must still give you pain. I can relate to that story too.

      Can you find some affordable therapy or counseling to help you through these dark days? It has helped me in my life. If not that then someone in your life you trust who will listen might help take some of the burden off you. You are not alone and you are not crazy or bad.

      As much as you might feel like curling up and dying right now, can you try and put on some nice clothes and makeup, do your hair and go out into the world again today? Even if you’re just going to the store. You can take back your life. It’s a long journey and it’s going to hurt and sometimes you’ll feel like it’s all falling apart but try to push on – and let your loved ones and friends know how you’re doing so they can be there for you.

      Just little steps and small things that can get you through the day for now. One day you’ll be smiling and realize that you’re happy again and that man will be just a fuzzy memory.

      I know he’s in your head right now and you can’t let him go. I promise you he’ll be gone someday. Allow the thoughts about him to rattle around in your head for now and let your feelings process. That will have to happen anyway because it’s part of the grieving process. Like Donna says, distraction really helps. I know this from personal experience. That’s where meeting friends and doing nice things for yourself can help you through this natural part of the pain of separation.

      I know this is a forum about sociopaths but if you’re interested in understanding why you’re so hung up on a lover who has rejected you, please check out some TED talks by Helen Fisher about the brain in love. They really helped me to understand why I couldn’t let go of unsuccessful relationships for a long time.

      And if your ex-partner is a sociopath – well … despite all those memories of the sweetest times you’ve had with him remember that his brain does not work like yours or mine. Don’t look for any more answers. Accept that he was never who you thought he was. It’s so awful and I’m so sorry for you, but maybe that acceptance essential for you to move on and live a beautiful life after this.

      Living well is the best revenge. You will get through this.

      Be kind to yourself.

      Wishing you love and strength.

      P

  • #23275

    needreallove
    Participant

    Dear Portia,

    I can’t thank you enough for your wonderful, encouraging and hopeful reply. It really did make sense to me. He is a narcissist….fits all the criteria and has found a new supply..hence the dumping.
    It’s the love-bombing that I can’t forget…I am totally consumed by it.
    My wonderful husband was nothing like this man in any way, shape or form yet I still succumbed even though my gut was putting up red flags. It felt so good to be adored and to have someone to share my real feelings with. Now to find out that he really didn’t give a crap really, really hurts.
    You gave me some great advice and as soon as I can stop crying I am going to get in the shower and put some nice clothes and makeup on.
    I am 58 years old….married 25 of those years so happily and then the last 6 in this horrible relationship.
    What is really hard for me is that I have no family. I am the last remaining member of my family and my husband was the last remaining member of his family. We were best friends and did everything together which in retrospect has done me a disservice as I have no real friends here where I live. I do know people from years ago that I talk to occasionally but they live on the west coast and I live on the east coast.
    I am just so terribly lonely and I don’t know what to do, or where to go even if I wanted to.
    I am seeing a Psychiatrist but haven’t been able to find any face to face therapy with someone familiar with narcissistic/sociopathic abuse so I don’t really feel like they “get it.”
    I did watch the TED talks and they made sense to me but at the same time scared me because I knew then that I couldn’t control this feeling of hopelessness.
    When my husband passed, I didn’t leave the house for over a year. I ordered all my groceries to be delivered and I gained 100 pounds in one year. I finally got to the point where I became grateful that I was one of the few lucky people to have found and married their true love and had love that lasted till the end. All my memories of him are happy ones now.
    Then…..this narc comes along and snares me and destroys my self esteem and I am wondering now if I will be spending the rest of my life alone. This is a thought I can’t bear.
    Logically, I know this will pass but for now he has “camped in my brain.”
    I wonder how long it will take for me to get over this because everything I have read and am still reading says once you have been abused by a narc, it can take years to recover. Will by that time, my life be drawing to a close (I mean naturally.)
    Your post was so insightful, I really wish you were my neighbor lol.
    Again, I am so desperately lonely and afraid I will be alone forever more. Your post has given me hope and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

  • #23295

    jm_short
    Participant

    NeedRealLove-

    Portia has given you some great advice.

    Here are a few more suggestions:

    Romantic love is truly a form of addiction. That’s why you feel compelled to contact him. Your brain knows he’s a heel, but the brain chemistry he stirred up in you craves him. It’s not unlike what happens to an alcoholic if they try to refrain from alcohol.

    You need to raise your endorphin levels in order to combat the depletion of the neuropeptides that cause you craving. In simple language, you need to do some aerobic exercise every day to ward off the sense of longing for him. And it doesn’t have to be elaborate. When you start thinking about him, turn on some music and cut loose on your living room rug!

    Another thing that will help your self esteem, and get you back into society again, is to look for some volunteer work. Nothing helps raise a person’s sense of themselves better than helping others. Don’t know how to start? Log onto volunteermatch.org and you’ll be able to locate loads of organizations for people with all sorts of interests. Another great benefit of doing so is that it will put you in the company of like-minded, altruistic people.

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