Help! I'm a wreck.. New here and Need to Vent. All advice, accepted.
Lovefraud: How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other abusers › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Help! I'm a wreck.. New here and Need to Vent. All advice, accepted.
February 10, 2017 at 10:37 am #25023
Hi. I’m new here. I just got done reading the most eye-opening book, ‘When Love is a Lie’ and wow, all I can say is I am glad to know I’m not alone.
I’ll start by saying I have a child with a narcarsisst. We met online through a mutual friend and literally were together for 2 magical months and then I found out I was pregnant.
I say magical because they were. We were “soulmates”. We kayaked together and cleaned up the rivers of trash, we shared all the same interests, he would call/text every day.
But something was fishy, he was living with a room mate in a house on a cot instead of living in HIS OWN HOUSE that needed renovations. New plumbing, new furnace, huge renovations but he just kept leaving it be. Reasons upon reasons. I felt sorry for him and when I got pregnant, I thought it was best that we live together where I worked– as a live-in nanny! The family was very accepting and allowed him and his evil dog who bites everyone and everything in site to come and live with us. Ugh.
He would go to work and I’d be stuck working as a nanny and taking care of his non-trainable and devil dog.
We were happy when we found out I was pregnant. Decided to keep the baby and she’s literally the sunshine to my gloomy days. I’ve had a lot of those.
He was supposed to be working on the house, making it a home for us and our new family. He failed miserably at that.
I told him that I didn’t want a dog and a newborn baby. That it would be a lot of work and that I strongly suggested adopting her out. He never budged. Always picked the dog over the baby and I. I was even chasing her after she escaped from inside to outside (she was infamous for that) once and FELL ON MY STOMACH. Immediately went to the hospital to be checked and he still kept the dog. It literally broke my heart to have to keep repeating myself over and over.
There were times I’d cry and get extremely hormonal and say crazy things… I’d never been pregnant before, telling him to leave and would immediately apologize begging him to not go. He’d stay but only because he didn’t have anywhere else to go.
I felt so crazy.
Finally, I ended my job a month before my sweetheart was born. He claimed he was working on the house and so I went and stayed with a friend at 37 weeks pregnant. He would ignore my phone calls and texts and I’d get crazy again. Telling him not to come to the birth and asking why he wasn’t answering me.
He clearly wasn’t ready to be a father, let alone a partner.
I remember I would sit in my car crying while I was pregnant begging him to get rid of that awful dog and house and let’s rent somewhere and be a family.
Finally, labor happened. We seemed happy, things were going okay. I wound up having a c-section. I mean, who wouldn’t under all the stress I was in?
His mother opted to get us a hotel suite for a month in a half. BRINGING YOUR BABY BACK TO A HOTEL SUITE INSTEAD OF A HOME. So pathetic.
I was depressed. Situationally depressed. Resentful. So fucking angry at him for putting me in this situation of not having a home.
Then, his cousin died. He went completely MIA… Ignoring phone calls and texts. I went to the viewing with our baby and cried so much. He never showed to that viewing but the one I couldn’t go to because I was exhausted. I get that everyone grieves in their own way but don’t ignore your family. Let them be there for you. He even went out to eat with them and drove right past the hotel and never texted me or anything inviting me out to that. I felt stupid. And so alone.
Thank goodness for amazing friends.
Time came to move out of the hotel, a friend had to help. I
Moved in with her. She is an alcoholic, did cocaine and we had to share a bed! Great environment for a new mother. He started giving me money every week and spending time with our baby without me on the weekends. There was and is still so much animosity and resentment that no conversation can even go on between us without me fuming! It’s hard. I know our child comes first but does he? Then the girl I lived with kept telling me to just get over things and that I couldn’t live there, I went to live with family who enable drinking and are negative and have a completely different lifestyle than I do but I am grateful for them opening up their home.
He and I developed a schedule of when he would take our babe and things seemed okay. Anger and hatred lingering but okay. I would have to call and say goodnight to him and let him say goodnight to our baby. He never asked how she was doing through text or anything. Still never does.
Then, one night after talking but not agreeing to it, he kept our baby overnight, refusing to bring her home. I went ape shit. Crying, screaming to bring her home, telling him I’d come and get her. I had no idea about my rights and he said he would call the police so I just let him keep her that night. I was a mess. He brought her back the next day in the morning and I found out later, HE MOVED WITHOUT TELLING ME AND LIED ABOUT WHERE SHE WAS SLEEPING! My anger grew and grew. I found out that without a court document or a contract in writing, he could have kept her until I got one and that set me off. So as soon as my baby was back with me, I demanded we get something in writing and that SUPERVISED VISITS were the only thing he was getting. He didn’t like that one bit. Guess what he did? Called freaking CPS on me and said I was abusing my child. We had to ride in the back of a police car, go to the hospital ,get my baby examined, CPS came into my house and examined it. I mean… It was crazy. He literally tried to get the state to take away my child.
That was when I lawyered up. I didn’t feel safe or like I could trust him anymore than I already didn’t feel.
He didn’t pay child support for two weeks and was paying it when he was getting her for the day and refused to give it to me, kept calling me names. Pulled out a video camera and started recording me trying to snatch money out of his hand. I mean he would make me snap and do things in a million years I never thought I would do. I’d tell him I didn’t wanna be recorded.
I kept feeling empathy though and heartbreak, especially for my child and arranged a meeting at a public library. He brought some woman to record the whole thing. Hoping I would snap. I remained calm and followed him the whole time for his supervised visit. He even took her outside in winter, no hat, coat, socks (she is 9 months old) and went to his car. My heart was racing!! I was scared he was going to take her. This visit happened he demanded “his” car seat back and the cloth diapers that he bought. Pathetic. I felt stupid for allowing him to see her again.
He made all these claims against me on the filing he did for custody which he got to first! He has 60 days to serve me and still hasn’t! His 60 days will end on the 21st of this month.
I’m a nervous wreck. My anxiety is so high and I fear losing my child.
I’ve done NC for almost 2 days now and I feel good about it. I told him if he wanted to contact my lawyer about things, he could. They had a meeting set up and he never showed up. He ignored my lawyers phone calls. This man truly doesn’t care about custody or his child. I’ve had a contract written up describing everything we already do and he refuses to sign it. He wants all the control and I won’t let him have it! I need to stay strong but having a child with someone like this is the hardest thing over ever done in my life.
February 10, 2017 at 12:57 pm #25026
Dear lizruz, I guess I am the first to read of your tragic and seemingly (but not!) impossible situation. Just wanted to say Hello, and welcome you to this site. Some people will definitely write very soon to give you workable advice. I have not had your situation,so I’m not a good person to try to give advice.
February 10, 2017 at 1:23 pm #25028
My opinion is that a man’s children belong to him. And any woman trying to keep a child from their rightful owner is awful.
But that isn’t very useful to you. If I were in your position I’d cut him out as much as possible. But you can’t just choose that. A court has to rule. Turn his tactics back on him. If he is a narcissist, finding evidence of neglect shouldn’t be hard. This may mean giving him additional time with her at first. But by exposing her to poor treatment now, you may save her a lifetime, or at least 18 years, of contact with him. The family court strongly favors women — use it to your advantage.
Document “proof” of his character… paint him as abusive and neglectful.
February 10, 2017 at 1:26 pm #25031
Hi again, I did think of some workable advice. Does your community have a Women’s Crisis Center? If you don’t know, or can’t find their number, you could probably find it by calling your public library. Also, ask the Women’s Crisis Center how you can get a Case Manager. Case managers are really great people. They are so acknowledged that you will be amazed, than have tons of resources to check out, for people in very difficult situations. If you ever feel threatened and endangered by this man, the Women’s Crisis Centers usually have free shelters where you can get away from him. They will also help you get a restraining order. If the guy does not follow the restraining order, I think he can likely be thrown in jail. There would be some kind if heavy penalty if he breaks the restraining order.
February 10, 2017 at 2:01 pm #25036
Who is Mr. ppath? This is harassment, is rude and deliberately trying to scare you.
Ask lawyer about what the law is your state and country.
Donna, does this man belong on this site?
February 10, 2017 at 2:46 pm #25037
Do you belong here, synergy?
I, and the other paths here, are just bringing a deeper/different perspective to the problems some people are having here.
I think as long as a member is trying to help others, they belong.
February 10, 2017 at 2:48 pm #25038
Some other important thing — document EVERYTHING. I know this is a huge hassle! Believe me, I know.
Do you have a woman, feminist atonality? That is also very important. Change lawyers if you need to. Ask the Women’s Crisis center to recommend a good lawyer.
The law pays attention to FACTS with documentation — not just “he said, she said” verbal statements. Write down everything from now on, WITH THE DATE.
Also Write down all that you can remember so far, with dates, if you can remember the dates. Every hurtful thing he has said (words), the time he broke his agreement and kept the baby overnight. The fact that he promised to repair his house, didn’t. (I’m assuming he never has owned a house! All the things you say, point to that. Ask your lawyer to get him to provide the your lawyer with a certified/notarized copy of the property deed. The court might want him to provide a deed, and if he does not do that, he is guilt of lying, which would definitely put you in good eyes with the court). Be sure you ask the Women’s Crisis center how you can keep the baby away from him!! People like him kidnap their children and disappear into another state, or something. Happens all the time.
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