Help! Had an affair with sociopath
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January 22, 2017 at 5:40 pm #24744
Here we go…I’ve delayed posting this but the time is right. I have been married to my uBPD/NPD husband for over 30 years. I met him while in college. He is 12 years older than I. He seemed to be the perfect partner, always exciting, etc. I began seeing things early in the marriage but coming from parents who bickered all the time, I figured this was the norm. I might add that I avoided conflict and never fought back. I have been conditioned my entire adulthood to be the perfect partner in every way. I’m educated, raised four beautiful children whom are all college educated at the masters and doctorate level, and very empathetic. I am on several boards for the disabled as well.
Several years into the marriage I discovered my husband was cheating on me with a coworker. This lasted about 10 years. He always denied, I was very busy with 4 babies (unable to give him the attention he needed) and vulnerable. When I tried to leave, he convinced me to stay. I will add that at this point he still denied the affair. Totally gaslighted me.
When she left the business it wasn’t very long after he had another one in the wings. He was a little smarter with this one and I had jealous issues but he didn’t flaunt it like the last.
I finally discovered an email that confirmed my suspicions. I spent a month planning my exit from the marriage. Several nights before I was to leave, he had a rage on one of the children. When he left the room for a minute, my teenage son said “come on mom…lets all get out of the house now” We all left with barely shoes on our feet. Went no contact for several days. He was so distraught that he finally admitted to all affairs. We went to therapy a few times, but again he convinced me he would do better and couldn’t live without me. Therapy didn’t last long. It was during this time I learned about Borderline Personality Disorder. It was so obvious after reading material and learning about this website what I was dealing with.
That was almost eight years ago.
Last year my dad was seriously ill. A man who befriended me on social media four years earlier reached out to me and offered encouraging words. This was a person that was younger than I, but had attended some of the same schools as me and we had many mutual friends. He remembered me although I didn’t remember him. Our online relationship seemed harmless. What I didn’t realize is that I had been selected as possible prey from a sociopath. He never knew what my marriage was like. My social media pages were plastered with photos of family vacations to exotic locations and happy times. Sociopath was well traveled as well because of his job.
He presented himself as a victim to me….told me ex-wife was a narcissist, kept his children from him, and gambled away their money. It was such a sad story. On top of that, he was a war veteran and told me he suffered from PTSD. He talked so openly about himself (a technique they use) that when my dad was ill he got me to open up about my life. Our relationship at that point had been occasional texting and meeting for lunch when I was in his town. Never anything more.
He made himself out to be a vulnerable, listening, caring individual. He learned that my husband never listened to me, so that was how he became important to me. At some point after he learned about my husband’s problems, he went full force after me. And I liked it. We started an affair. I began to notice some red flags…but ignored them because of the bliss I experienced when we were together….many of his stories didn’t line up. Then he began hinting at needing money for treatment for PTSD. (I didn’t mention that my BPD husband is very very wealthy.) I smelled a rat and didn’t give in to that. We were apart for a while. I began to suspect sociopath although I never knew what that was until now. We were back and forth for months because he knew my weaknesses and played on them. I am still not completely no contact with the sociopath.
I feel as though at some point sociopath is going to threaten to tell my BPD husband about the affair and possibly demand money for it. I am prepared for it. I know husband will have a difficult time with it, but I believe we will get through this if and when it happens. I will tell my husband before it comes to that point. I guess I’m here for support. I will say when I had the affair I separated from my husband briefly. I demanded therapy and actually told him I believed him to have a personality disorder. Therapy this time was with skilled psychologists, but my husband couldn’t handle the therapy. He would leave in rages. We are working through issues as they come. I will say BPD is much easier to manage than a sociopath. The silver lining is I feel as though I’ve empowered myself. I am a stronger person in the marriage because of my dealings with the sociopath and am able to establish boundaries that my BPD husband actually understands. He has made it clear he doesn’t want to lose me and will modify his behavior towards me. Now I’m struggling with no contact with the sociopath. He does not want to let me go. I have reached out to a friend who is in law enforcement to help me follow through with no contact. This has been an absolute nightmare.
Thank you for being here for me. I have a feeling things could be difficult for a while.
February 23, 2017 at 9:54 pm #25204
Update on me:
I’ve been no contact for over a month. I’m still mourning the relationship but know I made the right decision. He sent me a final e-mail and has thus far respected my wishes and has let me be.
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