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Fooled…AGAIN! Really need support right now!

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  hayleymariah 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #24403

    hayleymariah
    Participant

    Hello everyone, I am new here but I think this is just the place I need to be. Here is my story:
    8 years ago, I met a man who seemed to be my soulmate. I immediately moved in with him and he proposed. The relationship turned out to be a living nightmare for me. I had never met someone so cruel or evil before. There was domestic violence present as well as sexual abuse, financial abuse, etc. After close to 2 years, I ended the relationship with him. After it was over, I blamed myself 100% for everything that had gone wrong. You know, I must be a horrible person if I made him that angry, I must be unlovable, he was such a catch but I was such a loser I couldn’t keep him. I thought we had a once in a lifetime love affair. These thoughts continued on after I married and he did. To make a long story short, I spent two consecutive summers in an extramarital affair with him. I made this choice because again, I thought I was special and what we had was special. These summers were what I needed to make me realize that I was dealing with pure, unadulterated evil. I cut off contact with him a year and a half ago. At that time, I began to research psychopaths/sociopaths and because I am a psych major in college, I am actually doing my capstone project on this very thing.
    So, fast forward to about a month ago. I was divorced earlier this year and took a 6 month break from dating and relationships. I met a local man on a dating website. He pursued me from the very beginning, constantly texting me and trying to get to know me. He asked me to get sushi with him and I agreed. He was a very attractive, well educated man with a very good job and 2 college degrees. Because of my past history, I felt cautious at first so I talked to people who knew him in order to find out what kind of person he was. He had no criminal history and he actually encouraged me to go and talk to his best friend, which I did. I also talked to a woman who I am close to who knew him as well because I figured she would not be quite as biased. My friend said that while she didn’t know him all that well, she had never heard anything bad about him which was a very good thing because they went to high school together in the same small town. Of course, his best friend said all wonderful things.
    So I went out on the date and it was the best date I have ever had. He was charming, engaging, witty, and generous. I could just talk to him for hours and hours which we did. The date ended at his house where after too much wine, he asked me if I wanted to stay because I had been drinking. Now before this, I made a vow to myself that I would not have sex on a first date again and I told him that which he seemed to respect at the time. After some kissing, we went to sleep. The next morning when he woke up, he cajoled me into having sex. I didn’t really want to because of my vow to myself but I was also very much attracted to him and he seemed very trustworthy and made me feel so special that I couldn’t resist.
    After this first date, there were many more. As well as many overnights. And yes, while there was sex involved, there were also hours of talking, sharing, and what I thought was bonding. And for my part, I let my guard down during sex for the first time in 15 years. I made myself the most vulnerable and exposed I ever had.
    Last week, when it became apparent that I was losing myself, we had an hour and a half long conversation about how much he really liked me and wanted to take things slow because that was the healthy way and he didn’t want to ruin what we had by going too fast. Thursday night, he took me out to dinner and then we went back to his place. Because I hadn’t saw him in a few days, I had really missed him and I was so very attracted to him. He asked me to stay with him and of course, I agreed. It was one of the best sexual encounters I have ever had in my life. When I said goodbye to him on Friday, he promised to text me later.
    At around 4pm that day, I got on Facebook and looked at the Nearby Friends feature because I was having some unexplained anxiety. This feature showed that he had left work extremely early and was driving to an unknown location in the state above us. At that point, I texted him and asked how his day was. He responded back immediately as usual and used his usual tone, acting normal, saying his day was good, asking how mine was. I told him my day was good and asked him how work was and he sent back “done”. I said that’s awesome and asked him what he was up to. He did not reply.
    While I realize it was not a healthy thing to do, I continued to see where his location was based on Nearby Friends. He ended up in a small town with a population of about 700 about 2 hours from here. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and did not text again until 8pm that night when I again asked him what he was up to. No response. All that night and on into Saturday and Sunday morning, he was in the same town. On Sunday morning, I saw on Facebook that he had a new friend, a girl. I clicked on her profile and lo and behold, she lives in the same, tiny town where he has been all weekend. This seems to be quite the coincidence.
    To say that I am devastated is to put it mildly. I am beside myself. After talking with some trusted friends, I deleted him from my Facebook because all I was doing at that point was torturing myself. At around 6pm Sunday evening, I called his phone and of course, he didn’t answer. I have not tried to contact him since and not surprisingly, I have not heard from him either.
    Part of the reason this has been so hurtful was that I shared with him my story of my ex and how his lack of caring and empathy had nearly destroyed me. I also asked him that he not ghost me because I feel that is the most devastating thing to do to someone and he said he understood and that he cared about me and so he wouldn’t. Also, Christmas is in 5 days and my birthday is today. While we were dating, he acted like he would be making a big deal out of my birthday.
    I am absolutely heartbroken and I cannot believe I was so trusting and dumb. Any words of advice would be very much appreciated!

  • #24413

    Ok, not an idiot
    Participant

    Wow, just when you think you trust yourself to read people, you’re duped. When my world exploded from a Narc, we’ll call him Todd, I turned inward. I started researching attachment and discovered how it causes us to make bad decisions. That mixed with the ego and it’s never ending. So I have swung to the opposite side of the spectrum to a place called avoidance and for now, it is here I am safe. While I work on myself. I manage to date casually and only when i need companionship which is not often at all and it never goes beyond a casual experience. I attach to no one but am getting my basic human needs fulfilled. Someday, when I am ready, I may give myself fully to someone again although I can’t imagine it. Life is amazing as it is. So my point is, figure out who you are. Learn to really love yourself. Dont rush no matter what. Take everything in life slow, even girlfriendships. Just take it all slow. Im sorry you are suffering, I understand the pain believe me, google attachment as a buddhist concept and try to understand it. It will change your life.

  • #24414

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    He sounds like a sexual psychopath which Sandra Brown describes in ‘Women who love psychopaths’- well educated, cruel. You might get her book for clarity. It helped me move on from a sexual psychopath.

  • #24415

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    haleymariah – I am so sorry for your experience. The guy may be disordered, or he may just be an oversexed “player.” People with personality disorders can exhibit a range of behaviors, and some behaviors more than others. So although your experiences is terribly painful, it’s possible you didn’t come across “another sociopath.”

    Here’s what I see as the good news – your “unexplained anxiety” was your intuition, and you listened to it. You went to Facebook and learned the truth. The truth is painful, but it is better to know the truth than not know it.

    I also think that this experience means you have more healing to do – healing from the most recent guy, and healing from the first guy that you described. So allowing yourself to feel the pain is good. That’s how you move through it to wholeness on the other side.

  • #24431

    dim15
    Participant

    Wow.
    I am sending you some healing, positive energy right now.
    That is horrifying, and soul wrenching, to say the least, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. Again.

    I completely get what you said when you expressed that you let your sexual guard down. It’s hard to do, even when you didn’t even know it was up. Letting yourself be vulnerable and exposed.
    They prey on it. It’s inhumane.
    Emotional rape.

    Read this site as much as you can. It saved me, it healed me, it educated me, it empowered me.

    Hope it does the same for you.
    Time will be a friend.

    peace.
    D

  • #24616

    winterk
    Participant

    How are you Hayley?

  • #24642

    hayleymariah
    Participant

    Thank you to everyone who responded with support, tips, and other information. I am doing so much better now and your replies helped me a great deal! 🙂

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