Do I respond?
March 14, 2017 at 6:06 pm #25410
Hi there. I’m new to this site, and am seeking some advice. I physically left my sociopathic ex in October, but we had hope to work things out. (Haha) We’ve been “together” if that’s what you want to call it for almost three years, and we now have a child together. He’s 7 months. My final straw was in January when we exchanged the baby (we live in separate states, three hours away) and he ended up losing his mind and went to jail. Also in the week he had the baby, I found out he had been smoking weed with him present, and he facetimed me the one night to let me know he punched a hole in the wall because he was so frustrated the baby wouldn’t stop crying. I was sick to my stomach. Then he told me he punched the wall because I’m the one who made him mad. (As if it matters, don’t hit walls around babies?)
Anyway. So he’s on probation and is to not contact me, which he does anyway. He’s been begging for me and I’ve stood my ground. Saturday night he sent me a picture of his cut wrists saying I want you to watch me suffer. I sent the police over to his home and they took him to the hospital, and I blocked him from everything. However, I feel guilty. And he has just emailed me saying how sorry he is for everything and he just wants to meet and talk about everything. He said he needs me now more than ever.
Obviously I know not to meet with him. But my guilt is making me think if I should respond and at least say that’s not a good idea. Does anyone have any advice? Or strength to give me to not respond?
March 14, 2017 at 7:48 pm #25412
Hi hopeforhappy — Glad you’ve reached out to those of us who’ve been through some of what you are experiencing.
The answer is: DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY. You wrote: “I’ve stood my ground.” Good for you — keep on standing your ground!!! Very important — to important to break down now, too important to give in to his pleas, his begging, his guilt tripping. After all the things — “just” the large list of things you’ve written right here in this post! — you not owe him a thing! Not one thing. Have compassion and responsibility for the baby, and for yourself! You are the victims — not this guy. If you stay strong now, you will only get stronger, and stronger. If you give in now, you will be starting all over.
It is true that for some of us, it takes several attempts to end a relationship — BUT when there is a child involved, the responsible parent has a big job to do.
I was at an AlAnon meeting one time — here’s a good example of what I’m trying to say. There were several older women who’d been in AlAnon for years and years. They knew and practiced the Program. One day a very young woman came into the meeting for the first time. She must’ve not been even 20! She had her less-than-one year old baby with her. Her partner, the baby’s birth father, was a heavy drinker. He would hold the baby when he was very very drunk, and she was afraid he would drop her. The grandmotherly women said, “YOU MUST protect that baby. It does not matter what he says, or what he thinks he can do when he’s drunk. It is YOUR JOB to protect that baby.”
Do you have your baby now? Don’t let him have the baby unsupervised ever. And you should not be the person to “supervise.” I don’t know who that would be. Perhaps the Court could appoint someone to supervise and protect the baby, not ever letting the two of them to be alone together.
I believe you are in a good position at THIS TIME to block all contact from him from the baby. Write down — cc/paste — everyt hing you hav written here. Make a column, with each thing he’s done lately, point by point. Maybe number the points, break it down like this:
I drove the baby three hours from [your city] to [his city] — (or vice versa, whichever happened — he came and picked up the baby from me in [your city] ) and took him to [his city] for a week.
During the visit, he lost his mind. (be very specific — how do you now he lost his mind? What does that mean? Was he diagnosed with one or more metal illnesses? What actions did he do that makes you believe he lost his mind? What actions did he do that landed him in jail?
During week he had the baby, I found out he had been smoking weed with him present. (how did you find out? This is heresay and may not be submissible in court or to Children’s Services, unless you can get a signed statement from your source about this)
He facetimed me the one night to let me know he punched a hole in the wall because he was so frustrated the baby wouldn’t stop crying. I was sick to my stomach.
Then he told me he punched the wall because I’m the one who made him mad.
You wrote: “So he’s on probation and is to not contact me, which he does anyway.” Why are you allowing this? You should contact his probation officer every time. One contact with the probation officer may send him back to jail. After that he probably would not break probation again. But if he does, call the probation officer again, and again every time he contacts you while he is on probation. He will probably get tired of being in and out of jail. I actually do not know how many times a person would be allowed leeway for breaking probation. Maybe other members of this forum would know, but it might vary from location, or county to county, or state to state?
If you respond to him at all!, you are encouraging him. Just saying, writing, emailing — any contact ANYTHING AT ALL — even “It won’t work” is encouraging him. Any contact from you is encouraging him to pester/stalk you. Possibly harm you, possibly kidnap the baby. Yes! Kidnap! Happens all the time. Even if he does not want or know how to take care of the baby, he could kidnap the baby to get back at YOU.
So be sure to keep a clear and documented written record of everything he does, from now on, similar to the method I posted here. Keep this record forever! That is, till the baby reaches legal adulthood, at least. You may need this record and any documents you have, in court, maybe several or many times. Too often, partners of abusers/sociopaths, are too giving, too forgiving, and let their own and their children’s rights slip away — they will sweet talk you into being weak in your own and your child’s behalf. Be strong! You will be standing up to him, and standing up for yourself and your baby by not allowing him to visit you, and not responding to him in any way. If he comes to the door, do not say “Go away.” Do not open the door, do not let him see you looking out the window at him, do not respond at all. If he telephones, and you have Caller ID, don’t answer the phone. If you have his phone number and he’s calling, do you have a Call Blocking feature with your phone company? Check on that — for a very small fee ($3 or 5) a month, or maybe even free, this call blocking will not allow his number to ring through. You can block any number he calls you from.
I don’t know everything you might need, of course – but others here will add much more information and action/non action for you.
March 14, 2017 at 9:11 pm #25415
Hi Hopeforhappy, should you respond? NO…more like HELL NO!!!
Your number one priority is to protect you & your baby from this ABUSIVE man!!!
DO NOT MEET WITH HIM IN PERSON!!
Your post is absolutely terrifying! His behavior is terrifying!!
There are RED FLAGS with this man that he is willing to not only harm himself but harm you & your baby.
He could possibly kill you!! and your baby!!
DO NOT MEET WITH HIM IN PERSON!!
Follow the no contact rule!! Dont weaver!!
He is not your responsibility any longer. You did the right thing calling the police! They did the right thing sending him to the hospital.
PLEASE Contact your local abuse center asap for Help with this RED FLAG situation!
You can call your country’s National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk with a free counselor and they can give you local numbers to local domestic abuse centers. The number in the USA is 800-799-SAFE.
CALL THEM ASAP!!
Ask them for a Safety Plan & Exit Plan out of this abusive relationship. Also google those words to read up on these two plans.
YOU NEED HELLP out of this abusive relationship so for your baby’s sake get help out.
Look into a security system for your home. You can purchase one at any big home store such as Home Deport or Lowes starting at $15 for a door or window or a whole system for $100. They are battery operated & only take a few minutes with a screw driver to install. Ask the police to portal your street & let your neighbors know if this man comes to your neighborhood or home to call the police asap!!
Also look at the website One moms battle and their Facebook page too. This is a wonderful site to deal with custody issues with a narcissist & sociopath narcissist. There are over 30,000 victims (moms) on their Facebook page for support & guidance in the court.
If you chose to chat on the One moms battle Facebook page I would highly recommend that you open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat without your ex, his family, his friends etc from seeing what you are typing.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Keep reaching out for help. It was very brave of you to post your story here tonight. HUGE STEP in getting out of this abusive relationship.
Also know that if you have a restraining order against him it also means YOU can not talk with him. So dont get in trouble with the judge. KEEP THE NO CONTACT Rule imposted.
This man is DANGEROUS!! Please take steps to protect you & your baby.
HUGS TO YOU!!
Wishing you all the best.
March 15, 2017 at 2:10 am #25417
Thank God he punched the wall and not your baby. The things he is doing are classic sociopathic pity plays. It is right out of the Sociopathic Play book. Don’t fall for it.
March 16, 2017 at 7:38 pm #25437
thank you all so much for your help and incite. greatly appreciated. i haven’t responded and he is now trying to get in touch with me via social media but im not giving in!
March 18, 2017 at 5:59 pm #25444
Good for you.
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