Reply To: Do I respond?
Hi hopeforhappy — Glad you’ve reached out to those of us who’ve been through some of what you are experiencing.
The answer is: DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY. You wrote: “I’ve stood my ground.” Good for you — keep on standing your ground!!! Very important — to important to break down now, too important to give in to his pleas, his begging, his guilt tripping. After all the things — “just” the large list of things you’ve written right here in this post! — you not owe him a thing! Not one thing. Have compassion and responsibility for the baby, and for yourself! You are the victims — not this guy. If you stay strong now, you will only get stronger, and stronger. If you give in now, you will be starting all over.
It is true that for some of us, it takes several attempts to end a relationship — BUT when there is a child involved, the responsible parent has a big job to do.
I was at an AlAnon meeting one time — here’s a good example of what I’m trying to say. There were several older women who’d been in AlAnon for years and years. They knew and practiced the Program. One day a very young woman came into the meeting for the first time. She must’ve not been even 20! She had her less-than-one year old baby with her. Her partner, the baby’s birth father, was a heavy drinker. He would hold the baby when he was very very drunk, and she was afraid he would drop her. The grandmotherly women said, “YOU MUST protect that baby. It does not matter what he says, or what he thinks he can do when he’s drunk. It is YOUR JOB to protect that baby.”
Do you have your baby now? Don’t let him have the baby unsupervised ever. And you should not be the person to “supervise.” I don’t know who that would be. Perhaps the Court could appoint someone to supervise and protect the baby, not ever letting the two of them to be alone together.
I believe you are in a good position at THIS TIME to block all contact from him from the baby. Write down — cc/paste — everyt hing you hav written here. Make a column, with each thing he’s done lately, point by point. Maybe number the points, break it down like this:
I drove the baby three hours from [your city] to [his city] — (or vice versa, whichever happened — he came and picked up the baby from me in [your city] ) and took him to [his city] for a week.
During the visit, he lost his mind. (be very specific — how do you now he lost his mind? What does that mean? Was he diagnosed with one or more metal illnesses? What actions did he do that makes you believe he lost his mind? What actions did he do that landed him in jail?
During week he had the baby, I found out he had been smoking weed with him present. (how did you find out? This is heresay and may not be submissible in court or to Children’s Services, unless you can get a signed statement from your source about this)
He facetimed me the one night to let me know he punched a hole in the wall because he was so frustrated the baby wouldn’t stop crying. I was sick to my stomach.
Then he told me he punched the wall because I’m the one who made him mad.
You wrote: “So he’s on probation and is to not contact me, which he does anyway.” Why are you allowing this? You should contact his probation officer every time. One contact with the probation officer may send him back to jail. After that he probably would not break probation again. But if he does, call the probation officer again, and again every time he contacts you while he is on probation. He will probably get tired of being in and out of jail. I actually do not know how many times a person would be allowed leeway for breaking probation. Maybe other members of this forum would know, but it might vary from location, or county to county, or state to state?
If you respond to him at all!, you are encouraging him. Just saying, writing, emailing — any contact ANYTHING AT ALL — even “It won’t work” is encouraging him. Any contact from you is encouraging him to pester/stalk you. Possibly harm you, possibly kidnap the baby. Yes! Kidnap! Happens all the time. Even if he does not want or know how to take care of the baby, he could kidnap the baby to get back at YOU.
So be sure to keep a clear and documented written record of everything he does, from now on, similar to the method I posted here. Keep this record forever! That is, till the baby reaches legal adulthood, at least. You may need this record and any documents you have, in court, maybe several or many times. Too often, partners of abusers/sociopaths, are too giving, too forgiving, and let their own and their children’s rights slip away — they will sweet talk you into being weak in your own and your child’s behalf. Be strong! You will be standing up to him, and standing up for yourself and your baby by not allowing him to visit you, and not responding to him in any way. If he comes to the door, do not say “Go away.” Do not open the door, do not let him see you looking out the window at him, do not respond at all. If he telephones, and you have Caller ID, don’t answer the phone. If you have his phone number and he’s calling, do you have a Call Blocking feature with your phone company? Check on that — for a very small fee ($3 or 5) a month, or maybe even free, this call blocking will not allow his number to ring through. You can block any number he calls you from.
I don’t know everything you might need, of course – but others here will add much more information and action/non action for you.