Reply To: Married to high functioning sociopath
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I was dating a highly functional sociopath, talking about getting married. I think what you should do, and what I did, is do a list of what you consider “not okay”.
The abuse has many shapes and forms. You might be surprised by the length of your list, and question yourself about how you could accept such abuse, once finished. Although, you might never finish the list, since every time you would put an item on it, you would remember something that even putting into word is difficult.
My concern for you, because I know how difficult it is to keep away from a sociopath, is his revenge, with children involved. They don’t feel guilt, so I am scared for them.
My only recommendation really, would be to seek professional help.
I discovered the pity aspect of our relationship, and how he constantly uses my love for him and my concern for him to gain me back.
We talked marriage, children.
But the abuse never ceased. And every single time I confronted him and he accepted that he was doing something wrong, he apologized, soon after, he would be mean to me again. I mention that because you said he understood intellectually his faults. But you know what? Sociopaths KNOW the difference between wrong and right. ALWAYS. They simply Do. Not. Care. All apologies, all pretending of wanting to change for you are lies.
They lie All. The. Time.
They knwo they are smart, but since I am smart too, I challenged him intellectually to give me reasonable, logical, explanations to his wrong doing, and when we got to the point of non-sense, he would say that I was either too sensitive, or… that he did not understand himself either. That he was trying to get better, but that he was sick.
I am naturally a very happy person and I find contempt and joy in simple things. The slightest sign of affection made me happy.
But I came to realize that he made me sad, and that I stopped smiling.
He would use his pet, who I loved, to make me feel guilty and sad about him.
Every time he said I am sorry, he then perpetrated more abuse. Not physically, but verbally. And it was always a little more abusive.
I stopped believing him, but I did not stop loving him, and hoping to help him.
There is nothing you can do.
Highly functional sociopath, I believe, are better at hiding to others their true self, and are highly successful. And yes, they work in environments where their behavior can be unnoticed or acceptable.
Seek professional help. I don’t know how to give you any advice with children involved.
And you know? I doubt his faithfulness. I think all sociopaths are cheaters. I think it is something they all do. One thing is not seing it (late meetings, very secretive phone calls and messages, all related to a confidential work. Of course).
I have had proofs of him cheating on me, but not “really”. I don’t know if you know what I mean. Being faithful, I obviously cannot imagine someone doing it and acting like if nothing mattered or happened, but, deep down, I know.
Trust your guts.
My list helps me get focused and stay strong. He keeps trying to contact me.
Also, reading “the sociopath next door”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zn3HZcp9E2I
Best of luck and yes. Trust your gusts.