Reply To: Narcissist or PTSD
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Yay — the bold worked. So here goes:
It’s been upwards of six years. No physical abuse, but I won’t say I haven’t been scared of that as anger is sometimes over powering. often verbal abuse becomes physical abuse. Breaking things, hitting the wall, then slighyly hurting you and aploogizing, and escalating up.
I have my own friends and I have our mutual friends. He has never had an issue with my friend or family time. He really doesn’t do a lot besides go to work and come home, the problem is drinking happens AT work and on the way home from work. does he drink and drive/ Of course if he does, this is extremely irresponsible and dangerous to himself and others. Do you want to live with such irresponsibility? — and danger? The occasional nights out at the bar, but those are few and far between. Usually on those nights, it ends in me going to get him at all hours of the night. this is classical “enabling” on your part. A suggestion — find a good Alanon meeting, and go! Today! Alanon is a meeting for family and friends of alcoholics. I went regularly for over 2 years, and it helped me tremendously. I made some good friends there, too. But they tell you go to 5 different meetings before deciding because each meeting is very different, in terms of which areas of their program they focus on, and just the general “feel” of the people in each one, which is normal for any group, right? Of course, the first or second one may be perfect for you! Also, the first time you go you are not allowed to donate or pay anything. After that, a minimum donation is suggested. They say “If you decide after 5 different meetings that Alanon is not for you, we will gladly refund your misery!”
As for my family, that’s a tougher one because I have sort of an alienated relationship with them by choice and before him. The family that I do have relationships with, he does as well. Not great ones, but by no means encourages me to stay away. We go places, we have fun. I really never feel the narcissist tendencies until I’m asking for what I need. I lose sleep if I know he hurts, and it’s almost like he wants to see how far he can hurt me and how much I can take.
He will flat out say “I want to be better for you.” He will try…for a while…he won’t drink, he’ll come home on time, he’ll call if he won’t be home in time, etc. But then there will be one set back…where he doesn’t call or he gets too drunk. I am understanding. I don’t harp on it, but instead of acknowledging anything. I am not his mother, I have no intentions of pointing out what he is done. But I do expect him to acknowledge that MY FEELINGS MATTER. I would be okay with a “sorry, I got too drunk” or what have you. But, I just won’t hear from him at all. For weeks. I assume so he can avoid taking any responsibility. Which is something HE CANNOT DO. Nothing is his fault…UNTIL he “wants back in.” However, still zero affection.
I have established boundaries that I will not move in with him under unstable circumstances. So moving or closing myself off to just him is far out of the question for me.
I have to be okay with asking for things I need. I am more than willing to make sacrifices. I am more than willing to forgive mistakes and overcome setbacks. BUT, if I am not so much as even allowed to ask for more communication or ask to do things that I need in the relationship without the silent treatment following it has to get better or it has to stop. I do not want to give up on him, if there is hope. I don’t want to give up on me, if there isn’t.