lf1

Reply To: Narcissist or PTSD

#25249

Synergy
Participant

I’m so sorry to hear of your situation with this man. I understand that you feel as you wrote: “I want to be able to help and make sense of his own pain WITH him.”

I’ve experienced one alcoholic who used his pain for the first 2-3 weeks, then became abusive. He kept me on a leash, because I am a kind and compassionate person. It took me 9 years to realize that (1) I had no friends (I did before I knew him). He systematically and deliberately drove my friends away; (2) he alimented my family; (3) I had lost my enthusiasm for life.

You wrote: “I do realize he has to want the help.” What signs or evidence do you see that he wants help? If there is any, is it real? Does it come and go? Another husband (11 years that time) would somehow manage to convince me that he was changing. He’d even say, nicely, “can you see how I’ve changed?”

You wrote: I do have trouble differentiating if he wants the “help & support” or if he uses the “pain” to keep me on a leash. ”

I can’t think of anything here…If I can figure anything out to answer this, I will write again, but I’m sure someone/s else here can give you good advice on that issue, too.

PS One of the tactics abusive people use is to isolate you — drive away friends and family — involve you with his family only, if they are abusive or weird, and or convince you to move to some inaccessible (such as out into the wildernessy place, or maybe a foreign country?) or distant place. Please don’t be tricked into doing that. Things will only get worse for if you do.