Reply To: New to the Site; Obsessed with Him
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DEEP breath. You can do this. You can break this cycle. I think having something so difficult ALSO happening (cancer), while you are caught in this abuse cycle, is making it much more complicated in terms of getting away and STAYING away. But, no matter what you are faced with outside of this relationship you still have to make the the 100% commitment to STAY AWAY FROM HIM. If you don’t it will make what you are going through that much worse, weakening your immune system, and reducing your full chance at total recovery from this cancer.
Your emotions have been FOOLED into this place of longing you find yourself at. This is not a reflection of your stupidity or anything of that nature. It is LOTS of biological stuff at play, making you feel attached, despondent, and hoping for reconcilliation. Normal people are WIRED to feel this way with the right stimulus. But having painful, soul destroying sex with him will not bring the original, but fake ‘Lover’ that he was, back. That was an ACT. And he simply cannot keep up the act.
What you have now has ALWAYS BEEN THE REAL DEAL. It just takes time to get to the ‘heart’ of these people. Once there we see that their deepest parts are horribly twisted and dark.
I hate to sound so harsh and unfeeling (I am FAR from unfeeling about you, or this subject) but this is totally true. And I KNOW you have the smarts to understand and accept this. Now you have to find the will to apply it. Every day, every moment, until such time as it becomes EASY. And IT WILL BECOME EASY.
It is imperative for you to put yourself first, and shut your inner ears to the injured voices inside of you crying out for him. They are not telling you what is best, they are responding only to his manipulations.
What you fell in love with was only orchestrated to get you to this point, and to enable him to watch your pain and despair. They LOVE our pain and despair.