Reply To: New to the Site; Obsessed with Him
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I totally understand what you feel, I would like to share with my own experience, maybe it can help. Just forgive my grammar mistakes as I’m not a native English speaker.
Four years ago I fell in love with a friend of mine but at time we were both in a relationship and we started to be lovers. I felt terribly bad about what I was doing but I couldn’t help at all at staying away from him. Finally I broke up with my husband and became his mistress. He treated me awfully, with absolute disrespect, he didn’t even need to lie to me because I was totally crazy for him. So he felt free to tell me not only about his girlfriend and his plans to live with her, but also about his affairs with other women, including prostitutes. Any chance he had to show how much he despised me he got it, blaming me for everything and having no interest at all about my feelings. He popped up just to have sex and then came back to his life and his terrible jokes against me. Things didn’t get better when his split with his partner, he carried on in that way, and the more I tried to give up the more I found myself in that addiction.
Then we came to a point of no return: I became pregnant. I wasn’t strong enough to have an abortion, furthermore I bore the baby of the man I loved. But I lost my job because of pregnancy, because I was working for a cruise company. Well, his reply was (literally): I don’t care about the baby, I don’t mean to stay with you, but let’s keep on having sex. So we did, even when my belly begun to grow. Until once he behaved so badly with me that I decided to do not call him any more. He didn’t call me either. I spent the pregnancy alone. I gave birth alone in the hospital. I started nursing the baby with the help of my parents: she is a girl, but she took a lot from him so her face reminds me of him. He contacted me once wishing to have sex again, as I refused he disappeared again.
When I finished my money I asked him for help: first he said no, then yes, then live me alone, then I will help you, then you spoiled my life, then I will bring you no money but some food, then you are a fucking anti-abortion bitch, then we could go back to meet again, then I prefer to be criticized by everybody than having to do with you, then you really disappointed me but I want to visit the baby. I am a single mother with no job, I’ve been diagnostic with depression, I’m under-weight and can’t sleep at night, trying by all means to go on and taking care of my baby.
With all that, my obsession with him didn’t end, but the feeling of desire is becoming more and more a feeling of rage. I hope this is the beginning of the cure. That man is evil. Better, it’s me, I have been so sick to allow him treat me like that. You are in a similar condition. A man that doesn’t care about your cancer but looks for you when he needs sex doesn’t even consider you a person, just a genital organ. He treats you worse than a prostitute, as with here there is at least a commercial deal. And it’s you that allows him to do so. Your self-esteem is so low that you believe you deserve it and you justify his behaviors. What you need to do is to acknowledge that you suffer for a sickness, but you already did. You seem more worried about your soul sickness than about than about your cancer and you are entitled to do so! Because it’s an illness of the mind that causes terrible pain, it’s an addiction to a person more harmful than a drug. He will never change, assume that, he will just dragging you lower and lower, destroying your self-consideration and joy of living. Expect from him nothing but pain because he is your second actual cancer. Maybe you developed cancer because of the suffering he caused you.
You need to build a wall between him and you. It’s really hard to have clarity of mind so don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you can afford it, take care of yourself with a good psychologist or any other professional you trust (at the moment, I am under an acupuncture treatment!), invest all you can in recovering. If you can’t spend, try to talk with people, other women who suffered the same, as much as you can, as addicted ones do, that will help. The day your obsession will end is maybe far but soon or later it will arrive. Then you will hate yourself because of having disrespect yourself that much. But this means you will be recovering.
They say that this type of love addiction is typical of people who had a lack of love or consideration in their childhood. It’s not that clear, but what is certain is that it’s a real disease that we need to cure. Please run run run away from him by all the means you have.