Reply To: Broke up with narcissist and started no contact, having a really tough time
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jaybird, I am so sorry this happened to you but you are NOT alone! Reading books such as “PsychopathFree”, “No Contact, How to beat a Narcissist” and “Love of Lies”. There are so many readings out there that emulate exactly what we all have been through.
I, too, had been fooled four times into believing my Narc that he had “Changed”, ” I was his true love”, “You and I have such a Connection”.
“You are my Soulmate”. As I read the books, I had many AHA Moments, where my mouth was left wide open. Was my Narc who they were referring to? I finally realized they are all the same!!! This master manipulation is so rehearsed and inside their dirty souls, it is automatic.
I know you are hurting because he has “moved on” with another but trust me when I say this and listen well……. SHE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU….SHE IS NO MORE SPECIAL THAN YOU and he will treat her EXACTLY like he treated you. It is the cycle they all go through. I let my N come back three times and each time it was the same-The first few weeks, month at the longest, he was kind, put me first, rubbed my feet, massaged me, made mad passionate love to me with those intense eyes, and I fell for it each time until the real self started coming through again. You see, they can NOT put on this fake persona forever because its not their true self. They have NO sincere feelings; Its all Fake and the sooner you come to grasp with that, the better. They do not love anyone. They give us, the victims, an ILLUSION that they do, but they do not.
Once they feel they have you again, THEN the punishment begins, the silence treatments, the name calling. The worst part of all, to me, was how he would tell me I was crazy, that I needed to be in a mental institution. Another thing, is the Phone game. They treat their phone like a weapon. They ALWAYS have their phone on silent and come up with all kinds of excuses as to why that is…….You know why? Because their previous victim is probably texting them constantly because they more than likely disappeared and snuck out on them with no ending. My N did this several times to his other victims, including the mother of his child. He would just leave. Another fave of the N is leaving at the most painful times. My N has never spent one XMAS with his son. This year, leaving one day before XMAS even though I begged him to stay to see his son at XMAS. I would scream at him “Why cant you be normal?”. “Don’t you care?” “Have you no conscience?”…. only to find these very words in several books I read. When you get to that point where you are asking these questions, run, and run so far away!! We should not have to be telling grown men how to act like a compassionate, humane, human being.
I just wanted to share my background with you to get to this point of No Contact which you are struggling with. It is the ONLY WAY! Every other time, I would reply to my Narc’s texts, pleas, begs, and eventually I would fall right back into his trap. This time……Oh Boy, things are different. As I kicked him out, as he gathered his belongings, I felt NOTHING. I didn’t cry; What I did was leashed up my dog and went for a drive to Starbucks!!!! I felt FREE!!!!! This burden is out of my house and out of my life FOREVER!!! I started No Contact that day and its been 10 days now and I have NO DESIRE at all. Anytime I even feel like playing with his mind a little, I take a few deep breathes, and read, read, read, and read certain parts of the books that remind me……Don’t bother because you acting out is WHAT THEY WANT!!! They feed off of that!!! It FUELS them!!!!
Please know he will NEVER change and it might take you a few more times before you finally “get it” just like me. I even personally know two other victims of my N and compared stories which are identical to mine, and I STILL took him back a few more times. Be glad he is having a baby with this other girl and its not you. NO CONTACT is more difficult when you have a child so just start counting your days of NO CONTACT and each day will get better and better. You will begin to feel your normal self soon and KNOW that you are not crazy…..Don’t be hard on yourself for falling for these types either. I am well educated, have a six figure income, and I STILL fell for my Narc three times!!!!! I can laugh about it now, just like you will someday.
In the meantime……Occupy your mind with books, go out with friends, get rid of any of his belongings ( I just sold mine’s Nike Zoom Basketball shoes and it felt SO SO good), and practice self care/love. LOVE yourself.
Finally Free after Four!!!!!