Reply To: It must be exhausting to be a sociopath!
Lovefraud: How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other abusers › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › It must be exhausting to be a sociopath! › Reply To: It must be exhausting to be a sociopath!
Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you were subjected to physical violence as well as all the trauma that your ex boyfriend caused. I hope that you will be able to heal physically and mentally and recover from the awful time that you have had. No one has the right to hit another person, no one.
In answer to your question my ex did not lay a finger on me. In fact he played the perfect gentleman. However, a year into our 3 year relationship I found out several lies about him. He’d lied about his work (he didn’t work at all), he lied about where he lived in that he told me he lived alone but lived with his Mom. I also found out that he was in massive debt and was doing nothing about it, he just didn’t care. All the while he was telling me that we were going to get married, start a family, he was financially stable…blah blah blah.
I hate lies and the stress of finding out that my fiancé had lied to me all this time made he ill. I got seriously ill with a life long incurable auto immune disease. The doctors agree that I had it lingering in my body but the stress of the situation brought it out big time. I was about to end the relationship due to the lies prior to getting sick and he knew it. When I was suddenly in hospital for months on end he suddenly played the hero. He looked after me, he moved in with me so I could be released from hospital and my family and friends thought he was amazing, and so did I. He even started working.
But very slowly, as it became clear that I was really vulnerable and had lost a lot of my independence, he started to control me. The work tailed off. He started suggesting that I was addicted to painkillers, which I wasn’t and had been instructed by the doctors to take the painkillers otherwise I was immobile. Gradually, I began to question myself “was I addicted to painkillers?” So then I stopped taking them and would be in intense pain. As a result of the pain I would sob and seek a hug or reassurance. Instead I was mocked, shunned or ridiculed for sobbing. The pain was everywhere and my blood work was so deranged yet I couldn’t bring myself to take the painkillers without his approval.
Then he used to tell me that if I gained weight he wouldn’t find me attractive. Well I was having IV steroids and guess what…you gain weight!
I wanted to feel wanted, he withheld affection and sex. Yet if a friend or family member visited he was all over me showering me with love and affection.
He twisted things to blame me for everything and mostly blamed my illness. For example, he was living with me but not always contributing to the costs of the house and he wouldn’t go to work and earn an income. He was living off me. If I questioned him he would say, “how can I go to work. I have to look after you because you’re really sick. You look terrible. Go to bed and I’ll be downstairs watching TV” I was able to be by myself at this point. There was no reason for him to not go to work.
Looking back now I can see that I was so so ill that my mental ability to judge the situation was way off. My family were hours away but came as often as they could but thought he was such an amazing guy for looking after me.
He made me feel inadequate, he made me feel worthless and he made me feel unloved….all because I got sick. When we first got together he totally lovebombed me and the Jekyl switching to the Hyde was like the flick of a switch.
He may not have hit me but when he walked out on me he destroyed me. At the time when he left me I was on my own at home. I had an inflamed brain, an inflamed heart and left lung. A partially collapsed right lung. Blisters on my scalp. Hair loss. Weight gain (only a little but he made me feel like it was tons), hearing loss and I was unable to climb the stairs. He had passed on an infection that had flared my condition.
He left saying, “have you seen yourself? You’re no fun anymore!” It was New Years Eve. That morning he had told all his family in front of me how special I was to him.
Eight days later I started an intensive course of IV steroids and chemo. Despite sitting in on all my medical appointments it seems he hadn’t even bothered to listen to the doctors because when he came round to see me he found my Mom at my house who told him that I was in the hospital and why I was there. He actually said, “wait, are you telling me she is seriously ill?”
How can a guy be such a dick! When he left me I told him that I wouldn’t be able to manage on my own at home as I was feeling really ill that day as I was so breathless, he told me I was full of sh**.
My breathlessness was my collapsed lung.
When we first met I was a career girl, great job in medicine. I had a good income and my own home. I am an empathetic person who was looking to meet a good decent and honest man to settle down and start a family with. On reflection I was a sociopaths dream!
So, a long winded answer I guess. No, he didn’t hit me but he destroyed my health and life. I have had to give up work. I visit the hospital 3 to 4 times a week for appointments and regular infusions. My family are supportive but stupidly I miss him so much.
I feel so alone in my illness. He has left me hollow. Funnily enough, just before he left me, just when my money ran out he inherited £100,000. I never knew until months after we had split. I guess he didn’t want to spend a penny on me.
I’m not into self -pity and I’m trying to fight my disease with the most positivity and dignity that I can muster. I haven’t heard from my ex since he walked out. I’ve learnt a valuable lesson about humanity through all this and I’m pretty certain I have elements of PTSD as a result of his behaviour.
Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. I’m going to be in and out if the hospital for life and every time I have an infusion or another shot or a blood drawer I think of what he did to me.
Sorry for the really, really long reply. I guess writing about it is a form of therapy and I hope that it helps me heal. There is a lot of healing to do.