lf1

Reply To: Hi – I'm a sociopath.

#24834

Madelaine
Participant

Wow. Thanks so much “Me”, Alaska and Orion for your comments. I don’t have a diagnosis of ASPD or BPD (that I know of) but I also have a pervasive emptiness inside of me. I thought that was just a normal part of being human. I assumed everyone had this to some degree, and that some people were simply better at avoiding acknowledging their emptiness than others.

I’ve always assumed that people who do “shopping” or take photos of their lunch (?) for Facebook are just distracting themselves in much the same way as I distract myself through work or reading. I figured that I have three-step process ( 1. emptiness feeling…. 2. recognizing the emptiness feeling… 3.doing something to avoid the emptiness feeling) while most people have a short-cut ( 1. emptiness feeling… 2. immediately doing something to distract from this feeling without having to acknowledge the feeling).

I’ve always been disgruntled that I don’t really have a passion for anything that would distract me big time. I’m not musical or artistic or spiritual and I don’t like traveling, shopping or gambling. I’m not a people person. I wouldn’t really appreciate a pet snake, especially feeding it (a mouse-shaped bump moving down the snake day by day?), but I do have a cat who lets me serve her (this is a cat owner in-joke). If I didn’t know any better, I would self-medicate with alcohol, but creating long term problems in this way is not a good cure for existential angst. I thought that I might become an eccentric cat-lady at some point.

Until then, I mainly I distract myself with prosocial things like working and volunteering, and ignore the existential emptiness which I see as simply the cost of being alive. I am glad that the lottery of life didn’t put me in some developing country where finding enough food takes up all my time so there is no room for existential angst.

“Me”, what went through my mind when I read what you wrote about what it felt like to be you, was “this is how lepers must feel. They have a condition, through no fault of their own, that stigmatizes them and scares people. The insoluble (?) problem is that dealing with lepers (or patients with Ebola) is that the people who interact with them ARE at risk”. It is a catch 22, as Stargazer said. Life isn’t fair.

“Me”, I also thought that you have a remarkable gift with words: “A whiff of joy from figuring out an equation. A needle of annoyance at breaking a stool. A slit of happiness, a cut of anger, a stab of placidity when playing my piano.” Super wow.