Reply To: Hi – I'm a sociopath.
Lovefraud: How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other abusers › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Hi – I'm a sociopath. › Reply To: Hi – I'm a sociopath.
While that can be as healing as it is (and would be for almost all people), I did it during my teenage years and more or less ‘unlocked’ my sociopathy.
Be it too much logic and nihilism, be it puberty, or a mix of both, I remember when I fell down the slippery slope of antisocial personality disorder. I was either watching or reading the news, when I heard about some sort of massacre (I think?). I felt sad for the families. Then I stopped and asked myself “why am I feeling sad?”
Too much deductive reasoning later, and I had arrived (and still stay at) the conclusion that life, emotions, feelings, happiness, pain, joy, everything. It’s all just a system. The sadness I felt was just chemicals and electrical signals in my brain. They weren’t tangible – they don’t exist in physical space. They are just things my brain does to occupy itself as it experiences the world. So I learnt how to stop and analyse them. Let in the ones I want or need, block the ones I don’t want or don’t need at the time.
Of course, I can’t do that all the time. I’ve learnt that I can only control my anger up to a certain point. It would be a higher point than normal people, but it’s a double-edged sword, because when it tips, it all comes running out as pure wrath. I remember on multiple occasions wanting to literally tear someone to bloody pieces because my parents had pissed me off all day and week. I would get carried away in my rage and not be able to control what gets in and what doesn’t, and my over analytical mind would replay everything they had ever done to irritate me and I would find myself in a very dark place in my mind. A place where I just want to break, smash and cut everything. Humans, animals, furniture, etc.
Just writing this now, I can feel the adrenaline from those moments in my body. I believe if I had never had that epiphany, I may be still just a normal, albeit weird, person. Though, I did have a predisposition to ASPD, so, don’t worry about becoming a sociopath just through reasoning.