Reply To: Hi – I'm a sociopath.
Lovefraud: How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other abusers › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › Hi – I'm a sociopath. › Reply To: Hi – I'm a sociopath.
Alaska, thank you, it is indeed empowering to know that we have control over our own lives, but it doesn’t feel that way when we are caught up in drama. I would take your comment one step further and say that the first step is to stop letting anyone control you. The next step is even more powerful – when you see you are drawn to particular people – especially those you know are dangerous – stop and pause. Ask yourself “Why?” If you don’t know, ask yourself why you don’t know. Keep asking until the answer reveals itself. Just knowing the answer to this can help you heal the part that draws you to that person in the first place. If it’s because he is the only person who makes you feel special, then you can ask yourself why you don’t already feel special? The answer might be painful, and that’s okay because you can then feel that pain and release it. Consider that you can learn to value and appreciate yourself, rather than seeking validation through someone else. If you are drawn to that person because of the power and charisma, consider that these are untapped qualities that you yourself have or would like to have. Even the most powerful, creative, brilliant people have their dark sides. No one is perfect, and no one is better than you. They don’t have your answers for you, no matter what they say. Most importantly, anything you can seek from someone else, you can also give to yourself. You would probably laugh if you ever heard me talking to myself (my inner child) and asking, “What do you need?” or saying, “You are unique and special, and I will always be here for you.” As silly as it sounds, it is a way to spath-proof your life. If you already know you can take care of your own needs without a lot of drama, you don’t need someone to step in to do this for you. You will approach relationships from a more healthy and balanced position. You won’t be as needy, and you will have the strength to walk away when things don’t feel right. You will require more from a potential partner because, after all, you don’t really need him that badly – you know how to take care of yourself.
Imagine what your life would be like when every time you had a longing for a dangerous person (or substance, etc.), you could use that longing as a path to your healing and wholeness by simply sitting with the feelings and asking yourself why. Imagine what your relationships would be like when you can be more selective because you don’t need someone that badly, when suddenly you have your choice of friends or mates because you are radiating happiness and now everyone wants to be around you. Imagine. 🙂
I will give you an example of the questioning process I’m talking about. I learned it from a woman in a healing group many years ago. I was in this group, and it was my turn to ask a question. But no question came to mind. It seemed easy for everyone else, but a struggle for me. Finally, I asked out loud to myself, “Why is this always such hard work?” As soon as I asked the answer came to me. When I was growing up, from the ages of 8 to 15, my stepfather made me constantly work. I was literally in a work camp. I wasn’t allowed to play with my friends or do much that was fun – I was always cleaning, cooking, or helping him build something. I hated it, but if I didn’t do it, I would get beaten. My life was hard work and drudgery. When I made the connection there in the group, I cried, because it was very painful and I had repressed the pain. After that, I released the idea that healing is such hard work and it became easier.
I hope that helps to illustrate the questioning process I’m talking about. It’s very very powerful if you persist with it, even when you don’t have an answer.