Reply To: Major relapse after one year of breaking free (could use some comments/feedback)
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Thank you for your kind words. You are completely right, I am better off. Today I came in contact with the girl before me, and although he was not able to play her like he played me, she confirmed his manipulative behaviour and we exchanged experiences which was good and nice. Off course, I also found out that he was still sleeping with her when he was ostensibly so head over heals in love with me. I was already suspecting it but now I know for sure. It just leaves me numb at this point.
The problem I’m having is that I cannot reconcile what I KNOW about him and what I’ve SEEN from him. He has always been loving, understanding and kind to me. He was the perfect man until he was not and he had never been. And it has shattered me and all of my understanding of human relationships.
I can understand getting fed up or being confused about how you feel about a person or a relationship. I can understand being confused because your father just died. I can understand people getting fed up with me and not wanting to spend their lives with me. Still, regardless of my rational knowledge about psychopaths/sociopaths/compulsive liars I cannot understand telling someone she is your world and then acting in a completely opposite way without any sense of remorse, shame or self-awareness. I have never met anyone else like this.
I thought assholes were, in some way, always upfront about the fact that they were assholes, that there was a way of knowing. Now I know there is not. I hope I have a better sense of it next time I come across a ruthless person like him. But perhaps this person is EVEN BETTER at hiding his ruthlessness and I again get fucked over because I like to see the good in people and that is just who I am.
I am not stupid. I am very critical. I have learned to follow my gut feeling. But I am just too empathetic. Too nice. Always understanding someone’s struggle, heartbreak, sorrow. And I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way. But that means I expose myself to the risk of another predator like him. I cannot take another of these episodes. In fact, I’m not sure I can ever trust anyone again.
These past weeks I even started thinking I should prepare for a life by myself. I like myself, I have a very nice life. I have a lot of fun and I am fully capable of taking care of myself. It’s just that I would like to have a baby, with a man. But maybe I do not want to bring a baby into this world after all. Maybe I should choose freedom and independence over the childhood dream of family life. I do not want to be screwed over again and I am not so sure anymore about bringing a kid into this world, where people treat each other like shit and seem to become increasingly intolerable.
I’m sorry for this depressing rant but at the same time I am not and I am happy there is a place where I can write stuff like this and people understand. I know I will feel better tomorrow, and I am grateful I am sad but not upset. I have overcome the complete panic, even though it is with the help of medication. Hang in there, all of you.