lf1

Reply To: Indifference to a Narcissist

#24011

Equanimity113
Participant

Hello greenstick,
Thank you so kindly for your comment. When I sent the card back, I wanted nothing more to do with this clown. For every action there is a reaction, so I guess me sending back the card would tell him to leave me alone, because I’m not interested. However, with disordered people we can not expect any normal reaction, because the only reaction I got was for him to text me from a different number and me responding and breaking no contact again. However, as I stated, I have no regrets. This is the 2nd time he tries to come back. The first time I allowed it, because in my heart I thought I could help him change and I was not aware how bad this disorder is. This time I was able to get closure. He apologized and said that he takes fault for the relationship failing. I took these words for what they are. Words with no substance or true meaning. I feel we needed to talk, because I wanted to say my peace. I told him many things that I had bottled inside. I was not cruel, nor angry. However, I was able to tell him that I don’t love him anymore. Those days are long gone. To say in the first discard I did not suffer would be a lie. I did, but today I feel absolutely nothing at all. To me that’s indifference. Yes, he left the tags to come back. I could never throw the tags out. I am a veteran and we served together 30 years ago. His social security number is on these tags and no matter how bad he treated me there was no way that I would discard the tags. I would have mailed them to him regardless, so the card gave me the perfect opportunity to return them and return them I did. He asked me to keep one tag and I said, No thank you! You and I from this moment on have no more attachment. I knew that he wanted me to keep one tag to keep a hold on me. I found out he had a car accident, lost his house, his credit is ruined and IRS is after him. Karma works in mysterious ways. He wants to come back. However, I forgave him one time and that was enough to understand that this man cannot love me. I know it’s not me. What he is looking for is someone who is submissive, who will not question and who will play the role of a carpet. That’s not me. I saw him the second time for his true disordered self. Someone I cannot love. Someone who will only make me miserable and destroy my beautiful life. This time I told him everything I felt like. I wanted him to hear what I had to say. He listened, and did not rage. However, I know that he listened because he wanted to come back so he played the role. I don’t want him back and never will. Do I forgive him, I guess. I don’t hate him, I don’t love him. I feel nothing at all. This man comes back every 6 months and now it’s beginning to me comical. Your words are not harsh, so please do not feel I took offense to anything you said. We are all here trying to find our way and each one has a story to tell, but we are outside looking in. What they did to us is cruel and torturous. For anyone to treat a human being the way we all have been treated is unthinkable. However, it happened and there is nothing I could do but move forward and heal. Today, I am much stronger. This was the most horrific experience I went through. However, due to this experience I am stronger, wiser and unwavering. I have helped many women heal as well. I made some great friends along my journey. To say I don’t think of him would be a lie, but to say I think of him in a loving manner would also be a lie. I think of how damaged and empty this man is. How unhappy and dark his life is. I could not wish this on my worst enemy. I truly feel sorry for the empty vessel he has become. However, he’s no problem of mine. So I wish him well, and I know I will never ever see nor speak to him again. He will come back, this I assure you. However, there is no residue left from the love I once felt. I found closure, because I gave it to myself. Today, I am so much self aware and indifference towards him is what I truly feel. I wish for you light, beauty and wisdom. I hope and pray that the peace I feel within me you will find too.