Reply To: So I was wondering what this website's stance on us Aspies is?
Lovefraud: How to recognize and recover from sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and other abusers › Forums › Lovefraud Community Forum – General › So I was wondering what this website's stance on us Aspies is? › Reply To: So I was wondering what this website's stance on us Aspies is?
you aren’t the only person here diagnosed with Asperger’s (i have been). i do think it makes me more vulnerable. it’s also really hard to be prepared for a psychopath if you’ve never had a relationship with one (at least in my opinion). i knew a LOT about psychopaths from a clinical standpoint, but i still got sucked into a “love” relationship. They are manipulative beyond comprehension.
i would just get a lot of support from people who do have experience dating, and talk about your dating experiences as much as you can with your support group. remember that statistically, you are less likely to run into a psychopath than an NT, but even coping with NTs can be trying and tiring and i’ve always needed a fair amount of help. if you tell people about your experiences with someone you are dating, and they wrinkle up their nose and say “that doesn’t seem right” then pay attention, especially if you get more than one reaction like that.
there are some basic things about psychopaths that have helped me stay safer:
1) they come on very strong with compliments and such in the beginning, and want to move into the relationship quickly.
2) they frequently “open” with a sad story of their childhood. healthy NTs, if they have a sad backstory, will not make it the first thing you know about them. they won’t tell you about the childhood abuse, or the bad relationships, or whatever–not right away. this is not being dishonest, it’s having healthy boundaries. they wait until they get to know you and trust you before sharing intimate details. plus–he/she is really teaching you about themselves. this is how they talk about ex-partners. this is how they deal with problems–in the case of psychopaths and narccisists, it’s blame, blame, blame. psychopaths never think they are responsible for anything.
likewise–learn to not be an open book. if you tend to share a lot of personal detail early when you meet new people–learn to withhold that information. this is something i’ve had to learn, because as an Aspie i tend to just blurt things out. i can’t change how i think or what i say exactly, it’s just how i’m wired, but i can *stop* myself from saying it. you don’t have to lie. it’s called protecting your privacy. watch out for men/women who seem mesmerized by your stories. psychopaths will use their undivided attention to suck you in.
3) watch for guys/gals (whoever you date) who test boundaries and make you uncomfortable. a little bit of teasing is not always bad, but if you are uncomfortable, it’s a red flag, period. psychopaths love to let you know they really don’t respect your boundaries without coming out and saying it. that’s called “duper’s delight” and also the “psychopathic tell.” it’s part of the pleasure they get from tricking you.
4) anyone who tries to make you feel like the sun rises and sets over you, is coming on too strong. they might just be a romantic, but why take the chance? after what i’ve been through, i wouldn’t.
psychopaths have a way of making you feel special in the beginning, like the center of the universe. sadly, i have to push that feeling away. it’s hard to do–it’s very pleasurable. but it’s cost me too much over the years.
Ok, that is my short list of red flags. i hope it is helpful and reasonably accurate. it’s helped me stay out of trouble in the last few years. i kind of understood these principles before, but until it cost me everything, i didn’t take it seriously. don’t be me.