Reply To: Help me get through this pain!
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I know that pain. Oh boy do I know it. I met Thomas in June 2015 while working at the same company overseas. And wow. wow! What a whirlwind! He was saying all the right things, texting and sending love songs. Upset if I didn’t respond quickly enough. Wanted to see me all the time. By Sept. we were engaged and planning a life together in Alaska. Alaska! OMG! We were going to move, I was going to move first with my four kids from a previous marriage, and he was going on to a bigger project to get more money for us. He had a business that was once very successful, but due to bad business partners, who stole from him, he had to go back to being a contractor doing inspections all over the world. He had stories of an extremely abusive mother who stabbed him, abused him, left him and his siblings in poverty, ran him over with a car, OMG! This poor man. Now he was divorced once and going through a second divorce with a mentally unstable wife who only nagged him about money. So we married in an Islamic marriage in Saudi after he converted to Islam. We planned to renew our vows in the US once his divorce was finalised. That was in March 2016.
I moved to the states and he went to the Philippines to wait for his next project to begin, but for nearly two months I barely heard from him. He was broke, no money for internet access at his bad hotel. sent him money. The he was off to Mexico for his next project and communication improved. Not what it was before, but better. He joined me and my family for a week in the end of July to do a little house hunting. he opened a bank account and we met with a realtor. Signed for a credit check. Then off to UAE for his next job. Communication was bad again. I barely heard from him. He said he was busy, internet was unreliable, his phone broke. A long list of excuses. I laid down the law, fix the communication issues or I am gone. He got better. Then he was off to his next job in Iraq. He told me to find a house and he’d send the money for the first and last month rent until we could find a house we wanted to buy. I did, signed the paper and then That is when it happened.
I woke up one morning to text message from a girl in the Phillipines asking if I was Thomas’s girlfriend. I said I was his wife and she said that she was.
Here is what I didn’t know. He met this girl on line and had been texting here, love bombing her, before he even met me. He met her face to face in January, met up with her again a couple of months later. A month after he married me, he married her in the Philippines. She and I were texting while he was asleep next to her in the Philippines, and not in Iraq as he said. She said I was not the only one. She shared with me photos she got off his phone of him with so many other women. He had women at his beck and call in every country he worked in. I had no clue. He also did not actually ever file for divorce from the wife he had in Puerto Rico. So he was divorced once from the mother of his first three children, married again with three more children to his PR wife, married me and the girl in the Philippines who has recently had a miscarriage due to the stress of the entire situation.
The money he said he was going to send of course, never came and my son had to give up his college tuition money he’d been saving for two years to keep the five of us from being homeless. Thomas tried to contact me to talk to me face to face and I wouldn’t have it. I told him to get lost. I have all of his business papers, control of the website and ownership of the company’s domain, and all of his childhood photos and family photos, tools and some clothes. I said I would be willing to turn them all over to him if he reimbursed my son and sent me back my wedding ring.
The Filipino wife and I have been talking a lot. She is a lovely lady and is just as heart broken as I am. She has two kids and is 17 years younger than me. I suspect she still wants to keep him providing he can prove he was actually divorced from his second wife and legally able to marry her in a Catholic wedding. I know he is not going to be able to do that. He refuses to return my wedding ring, reimburse my son his college tuition and has berated me and called me ‘jealous’, bitter, old, spiteful, evil. All for sharing the truth and details of our relationship with the Filipino wife. AS if we had no right. I am not jealous. I am hurt, really deeply hurt to find out that while it was real love for me, it was an act for him. And I mean an act. He used the same lines, love making techniques, emotional ploys, habits, and trophies such as keeping our panties with him. She found a pair of mine, and he actually lied and said he got them for her. This man regifted a pair of my unwashed panties to this poor lady. He knows I won’t see him again, and he still has hopes of duping her into taking him back. She might do it. She was a housemaid in Saudi, and they only make about $300 a month. HE was going to be her rescuer.. she might very well tolerate anything he does in exchange for financial security. He is furious with me for possibly hurting that chance by sharing so much information with her. But it was good for me to know that those special moments he and I shared, those moments that really made me fall for him, he had copied and pasted with her. It meant nothing. Now, all i feel is disgusted. Here is my conundrum… the other wife in Puerto Rico. My Filipino ‘sister wife’ did me a favor by cluing me in on what she had found on his phone. If she hadn’t…I would still be mixed up with all of his lied and none the wiser. Eventually I would have discovered but at what cost? To me and to my children. The wife in PR, knows none of this. He is having unprotected sex with dozens of women all over the world. I plan to get tested every six months for the next two years, (so far so good), but what about her? She doesn’t know anything and she is the only one with kids. What do I do? I am really pissed off that this man risked my life, and others’. I am really pissed, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to hurt him back. I do not want to keep his things with me. He asked me to send to an address in Florida, but I know it is because he doesn’t want THAT package being sent to her. I don’t want to take part in helping him hide anything. I think she should know, for her own protection. I am hesitating because I don’t want to be the vengeful, scorned woman. I don’t want to play that role. I don’t want anyone even him- to say and show that I am. What the hell do I do??? I am disgusted that this man touched me. I am disgusted that I let him near my kids. I am repulsed by the idea of any sex right now. I don’t know how to get over that anger. And I don’t know what I should do.