lf1

Reply To: Some of what court was like for me

#22781

mj4one
Participant

Ugh I should be documenting right now.. I should have documented the last 12 years with one and the last 6 with the other..
How do you get yourself to begin this? Perhaps I feel I need to do it ‘perfectly,’ and so day after day I don’t. They both were awarded full custody and I supervised through this.. just as you say.. because I am an abused mom. Despite ME being the sole caregiver.. and for many if not most years the sole provider as well. I can barely believe it honestly. And now I’m stuck with proving I have some kind of right to parent again.. to my older two (almost 12 and 13) who now seemingly ‘hate’ me.. and to my younger two who live in fear and confusion now with their father.
I have been jumping through all the hoops.. but am afraid I am still falling for traps.. and feel they both have all the power over me because I want to take all my babies and continue raising them right..
.. I truly honestly feel their only hope is going to be without any contact with either (as well as my own father, etc. as I’ve discovered he is maybe the scariest of all 3). If I have any hope of that ever happening, is documenting the first step?? They’ve documented me for years.. something in me has rebelled against it or something.. feeling I ‘shouldn’t have to live that way.’ How do I change this paralysis and start documenting now!?