lf1

Explaining the sociopath

How Sociopaths Turn Our Empathy Against Us

 

Husband Liar SociopathEvery week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 33: The Question Is Not What You Look At But What You See (Henry David Thoreau)

For months, I had to fight the impulse to recoil whenever Paul touched me. Yet, if we did not have frequent sex, Paul’s impatience with me grew even worse. Instead of sharing intimate moments with my husband, I felt like I was feeding a beast. If I did not feed the monster, it would devour me. I had to keep him satiated to keep myself alive. Not surprisingly, our sex life was still not frequent enough or satisfying enough for Paul, so he added this to my growing list of shortcomings, which included: bad gift-giver, poor cook, complainer, incapable of meaningful conversation, lazy, controlling, demanding, and jealous. Due to my broken promise to Paul, he also made it clear that he considered me dishonest and a liar. Who was this person Paul kept describing? Certainly not me! Equally importantly, who was Paul?

10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable

lies-magnifier-represents-no-lying-and-correctWhen we finally figure out that just about everything a sociopath told us is a lie, we are shocked. How can anyone lie so fluently? And why did we fall for it?

Here are 10 reasons why the lies sociopaths tell seem so believable:

  1. Sociopaths tell you how honest they are

Early on, sociopaths may tell you how much they value honesty, that truthfulness is the foundation of all relationships. Their objective is to convince you of their trustworthiness, so that when you encounter their lies, you don’t see them.

  1. Sociopaths lie while they look directly into your eyes

Some experts say that if people look up and to their right while speaking, it’s a sign that they are lying. Other experts dispute this. Regardless, we all tend to believe that if someone can look us in the eye while talking, then they are telling the truth. Sociopaths know this, so they look us in the eye as they lie.

Why our brains don’t see the truth about sociopaths

Husband Liar Sociopath

Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 32: So Close And Yet So Far

Having validation that my perception of Paul was as real as any perception could be and not distorted by my bias and any personal baggage was inordinately helpful. Paul had always played the “I have no idea what you are talking about” or the “You must be jealous” cards with me when I broached the subject of his and Anne-Marie’s behavior. I was always too willing to see the grey in any situation, to give Paul the benefit of the doubt.

Sociopaths Can Turn On You In A Heartbeat

Husband Liar SociopathEvery week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 31: Not Your Everyday Walk In The Park

Soon after the cookie incident, I was in a park near Paul’s office when I noticed two people who worked for Paul eating a bag lunch while sitting on the park swings. Neither of them recognized me. The only time I had met them was at a holiday party, and I had been dressed up with makeup, contacts, and my hair down. With blue jeans and a sweatshirt, no makeup, glasses, and my hair pulled back in a ponytail, even casual friends often told me I did not seem like the same person. No wonder it did not register with these two virtual strangers that I was Paul’s wife. No wonder they continued their conversation at normal volume, easily overheard.

A Relationship With A Sociopath Makes You Question What’s “Normal”

 

Husband Liar SociopathEvery week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 30: Down The Rabbit Hole

Paul had agreed to therapy under the condition that I would not tell anyone we were going. With the expectation of keeping my word, I promised. Normally, I honor my commitments, and secrets are safe with me. But I broke my promise to Paul after two months. I did it, because I felt like I was going crazy. I needed a reality check from an outside source to calibrate what had really been happening in our marriage. Paul’s version of events was too bizarre and devoid of any hint of his escalating selfishness and insensitivity. I know memory is biased and imperfect. Was my recollection totally off or were the “memories” Paul was sharing with our therapist not memories at all but purposeful distortions to paint him as a prince and me as a mad woman?

9 reasons why sociopaths blow your mind

Pensive Woman In Sweater Sitting On FloorWhen you finally figure out that you’re dealing with sociopaths, your state of mind is complete and utter shock. On the one hand, you are relieved to know that it’s not you; something is definitely wrong with them. On the other hand, you still can’t wrap your brain around their behavior.

It’s mind-boggling, and here’s why:

  1. Everything you believed was a lie

You probably caught some of the lies as you went along, but the sociopaths explained them away. Then you learned that the entire nature of the involvement, the entire reason they are in your life, is complete fabrication. It was never about romance, or shared goals, or family. It was about exploitation.

  1. The unbelievable sense of entitlement

Some Sociopath Tools—Word Salad, Diversion, And Evasion

Husband Liar Sociopath

Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 29: It Depends Upon What The Meaning Of The Word “Is” Is

Paul manipulated the well-intentioned therapist into becoming complicit in Paul’s self-serving altered version of reality—to view Paul as the perfect, calm, devoted, caring father and husband, while I was clearly on edge emotionally due to my declining mental health and jealousy over Paul and Anne-Marie’s business partnership. Paul positioned me as emotionally fragile and overly sensitive, that I cried often and for no reason, and that he was a saint for standing by me through these dark personal times. Paul said he only came to marriage therapy because I wanted him to come. Paul thought what was really needed was individual therapy for me, because something was clearly wrong with me—perhaps I was depressed or worse. To him, I seemed unhappy, because I had given up my career. As evidence of this, Paul brought up my alleged jealously of his hard working, devoted, very successful colleague, Anne-Marie.

Marital Therapy With A Sociopath—Don’t Waste Your Time

Husband Liar Sociopath

Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

 

Chapter 28: All The World’s A Stage—To A Sociopath

I researched marital therapists, searching for a male counselor (hoping to make Paul more comfortable) with an office near Paul’s work so appointments would be minimally disruptive to his stressful, all-consuming job. And so the charade began.

A Sociopath’s Pity Play and Your Empathy Cement a Toxic Relationship

Husband Liar Sociopath

Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 27 is so long, half of it appeared last week and the second half appears below.

Chapter 27: Nightmare On Elm Street (part B)

We moved into the house in late November. I had almost no help from Paul emptying boxes and setting up the house. I had no close friends yet who could lend a hand. My ability to service my previous clients waned. Most of my work was concentrated on three major clients. I lost one of them due to my unavailability.

Once You’re Hooked, Sociopaths Ignore and Criticize

 

Husband Liar SociopathEvery week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 25/26:  Last week, I skipped a chapter. When someone pointed out the oversight, I backtracked and added it to last week’s post.

Chapter 27 is so long, half of it appears below and the second half will appear next week.

Chapter 27: Nightmare On Elm Street (part A)