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Donna Andersen

Is it parental alienation, or protecting children from sociopaths?

Young girl in Gap_300x200Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader “tootrusting” posted the following as a comment on yesterday’s article, Horrifying saga of multiple predators, sexually abused children and murder. She asked an important question.

Donna, have you heard about the young 12-year-old girl in Georgia, who took her own life, and streamed it live for all to see? This tragedy occurred December 30, 2016, and I just learned of it yesterday. It seems she had to grow up very young in life, and just could not take it anymore. This story has rocked me, and my heart breaks for the life this young soul endured. It appears many people, whom she should’ve been able to count on, repeatedly let her down. Mom, Dad, Step-father, etc.

How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths

Outraged blonde woman with arms crossed on white backgroundEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman who signed it “Tired of Being Targeted.”

My son’s wife sends me nasty text messages and leaves insulting voice messages. Then she complains to her husband I’m being rude and disrespectful to her. It’s crazy making and she’s clearly projecting.

In the past I took the high road and didn’t tell him but all it got me was year after year of estrangement from my son. With nobody to speak in my defense and expose the truth and her unfounded slander habit, I finally decided to send him a long letter and copy him on all her text messages. I’m now waiting to see if he’ll respond. Even with the facts squarely in front of him, I realize he might still go along to get along with his wife.

If our emotions are triggered, there’s more pain to process

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader—we’ll call her Sally:

It’s been almost four years since I left my ex psychopath. He almost had me take my own life through guilt, when it was him lying, cheating, committing fraud, you name it—a textbook case.

The reason I write to you today, however, is I am so sad and disappointed in myself yet again. Four years and I thought I was over the damage done by the psychopath so I stepped out of my comfort zone to contact an old friend I had not seen since before the psychopath came into my life.

I made a decision to visit my male friend and we had a nice time. When I returned I started analysing the situation. Was my friend just after one thing? He had made a few small promises that had not come through (generally that wouldn’t bother me too much). I felt like it was happening all over again. I felt cheated, lied to and manipulated by such minor matters.

New Year’s Resolutions for Recovering from a Sociopath

free-fireworks-image-11 cropIf you’re in the process of leaving behind a sociopath, or even just contemplating leaving a sociopath, here are New Year’s resolutions to help you accomplish your goal and get on the path to healing in 2017.

Resolution #1: NO CONTACT!!!!

Do not have any contact with the sociopath. Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Zero! This is the most important first step you can take.

No Contact is how you escape the sociopath’s magnetic pull. It enables the fog in your head to dissipate, so you can clearly see this person for what he or she is — a predator, parasite, or both. No Contact enables you to find your strength and take back your power.

When you implement No Contact, you do not see or talk to the sociopath. You do not send emails or text messages. You do not even snoop on their Facebook page.

For the holidays, give yourself the gift of honoring your experience

christmas_gift_300x200How do you get through the season of joy and hope when a lying, destructive, individual has wreaked havoc in your life?

First, be gentle with yourself. You are a normal, caring, person. Perhaps you wanted to love and be loved, as all normal people do. Perhaps you felt sorry for the individual and wanted to help. Your intentions were honorable, but the exploiter took advantage of your humanity.

Second, honor your experience. What does that mean? It means accepting that it happened. Much of the pain and confusion of tangling with a sociopath comes from not wanting to believe that these individuals are what they are, and they do what they do. Accepting that yes, they exist, and yes, you were targeted, sets the stage for moving forward.

Steven Dean Gordon, already a sex offender, guilty of murdering 4 women while wearing a GPS tracker

 

Stephen Dean Gordon, 45 (left) and Franc Cano, 27

Stephen Dean Gordon, 45 (left) and Franc Cano, 27

Prosecutors in Orange County, California, started calling him “Jaws” because he was such a vicious predator. Last week, Steven Dean Gordon, 47, was convicted of abducting and killing four random women in Santa Ana, between 2013 and 2014.

Gordon was already a convicted sex offender. His partner in crime, Franc Cano, was also a sex offender. Cano will be tried separately.

Both men were under supervision after being convicted in separate cases of lewd and lascivious acts with a child under 14.

Both men were wearing GPS tracking devices. In fact, it was the data from the tracking devices that connected them to the disappearances of the four women, who were all prostitutes.

After their arrests, prosecutors found their text messages to each other about killing the fourth victim, Jarrae Estepp. Gordon didn’t want to do it, but Cano said it was his turn.

How psychopaths use our biology against us

Invariably, once we realize we’ve been conned by a psychopath, this person has lied to us from the very beginning, and we fell for all of it, we ask why? Why did we believe? Why did we trust?

The short answer is that we did what we, as social animals, are biologically designed to do. Human beings have evolved over millennia to live in community, and trust is the glue that holds us together.

I read The Moral Molecule — the source of love and prosperity, by Paul J. Zak. Zak spent 10 years researching a brain chemical called oxytocin and its role in human behavior. He says oxytocin inspires trust; trust is connected to morality; and morality is connected to the survival of the human race.

Posted in: Donna Andersen

Listen to Donna Andersen on BlogTalkRadio

Donna Andersen

Donna Andersen

Do you want to know more about the Red Flags of Love Fraud? On Friday, I’ll be explaining them on the Internet radio show, A Fine Time for Healing, hosted by Randi G. Fine.

Here are the warning signs that your partner may be a sociopath:

1. Charisma and charm
2. Sudden soul mates
3. Sexual magnetism
4. Love bombing
5. Blames others for everything
6. Lies and gaps in the story
7. Intense eye contact
8. Moves fast to hook up
9. Pity play
10. Jekyll and Hyde personality

You can listen to, and join, the conversation on Blog Talk Radio. Just click the link below:

Red Flags of Love Fraud with Author Donna Andersen

If you miss the show, just click the link afterwards to hear the recording.

How sociopaths intentionally mess with your mind

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I talk to a lot of people who are, or have been, involved with sociopaths. Time and time again they tell me, “I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

This is exactly how sociopaths want you to feel. Why? Because if you are confused and unsure of yourself, you are more pliable. You are easier to control, and what sociopaths want is to control you.

So how do they mess with your mind?

Lies from hello to goodbye

First of all, they lie.

Now, this may not sound all that terrible, because we all lie from time to time. But normal people lie to get out of trouble or spare someone’s feelings. Sociopaths lie because they have an agenda.

10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable

lies-magnifier-represents-no-lying-and-correctWhen we finally figure out that just about everything a sociopath told us is a lie, we are shocked. How can anyone lie so fluently? And why did we fall for it?

Here are 10 reasons why the lies sociopaths tell seem so believable:

  1. Sociopaths tell you how honest they are

Early on, sociopaths may tell you how much they value honesty, that truthfulness is the foundation of all relationships. Their objective is to convince you of their trustworthiness, so that when you encounter their lies, you don’t see them.

  1. Sociopaths lie while they look directly into your eyes

Some experts say that if people look up and to their right while speaking, it’s a sign that they are lying. Other experts dispute this. Regardless, we all tend to believe that if someone can look us in the eye while talking, then they are telling the truth. Sociopaths know this, so they look us in the eye as they lie.