*huggles* ^_^ That...
What is forgiveness? Does it condone evil or conquer it? (Part I)
PDF Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked.
The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another’s destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future suffering.
Ultimately, forgiveness is not about someone, or something else. The idea that we must forgive someone else is only a step in learning the real Truth about letting go. This step helps to teach us where the real suffering of unforgiveness is experienced…in us. It is ourselves that is released through forgiveness, and until we forgive, we are likely to repeat the past.
Forgiveness is how we let go of the resentment that is harming us, and I speak from experience. In fact, the only way to I know how to help others is by sharing my understanding through my experience. Personally, I receive very little benefit from people that offer advice and opinions from a perspective that does not include actual personal experience. All of the healing that I have experienced in my life has come from God, and those that have personal experience with overcoming difficulties through faith and forgiveness.
Most people have their own understanding of forgiveness based on where they are in life and this article is in no way meant to criticize another’s perspective. I do not ask others to do, or believe what I write. That is up to the reader.
I am not sure how to say what I need to say without sounding like I am taking credit for something that I had very little to with, but feel the need to use my own personal experience to show an example of what Forgiveness in action looks like.
It is God’s Grace, faith, and forgiveness that changed my perspective, and with it, my life from hell, to heaven.
My dad is a serial killer. He abused my mom, used me to help him destroy evidence so I would not go to police and has threatened to kill me. I know what evil looks like. I’ve been to hell.
I also know what unforgiveness looks like because I have experienced that as well. Unforgiveness looks a lot like hell to me. It causes physical and emotional illnesses, including migraine headaches, chronic back pain, nightmares, sleep apnea, drug addiction and many others…all of which I have personally experienced.
Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison, and hoping the other person dies. It is toxic both physically and mentally. This is a medical fact as well. Many studies have been done on what resentment (or unforgiveness) does to our bodies, including raising one’s blood pressure when simply discussing someone they have not forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a lack of responsibility or action. It does not mean that we are to be passive and perpetual victims. To the contrary. Forgiveness requires great courage, faith, and action.
Yes, forgiveness does require action and the results may surprise you…it did me. I thought forgiveness was for sissys, but I was wrong!
Next week, in part II, I will write about how forgiveness gave me the courage to face my fears, my father, break the cycle of abuse, right the wrongs of the past, and what it looks like in action.
written by Travis Vining • Permalink •
DUPED NO MORE! says:
Truthspeak: beautiful karma comes when THEY truthfully start to realize THEY are just as mortal as everyone else. That is karma. then the indifference sets in…”Nirvana Indifference” as Ox called it, one time….then you know you are touching ‘healing’.
Your thought will stay with me today…
Blessing filled weekend to you,
Dupey
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G1S says:
Stargazer,
You did as I stated, you accepted the person for what she is and let go of the resentment. That is evident in your statement that you would never be close personal friends with these people. You obviously drew your boundaries. You don’t trust them. You may call this forgiveness, but I do not. I call it acceptance, release, wiser-for-the-experience, and boundary setting. By your own statements, there is a part of you that is on guard, and this is not forgiveness.
I reserve forgiveness for the person who is genuinely remorseful. How can we not forgive somebody who sincerely understands and recognizes the harm he or she has inflicted and resolves never to do so again? In fact, how can any real effort go into “never to hurt again in such a manner” or how can that happen unless there is understanding, recognition, and remorse for one’s actions? Actions follow resolve.
My boundaries/guard wouldn’t be up with a genuinely remorseful person BECAUSE he or she does have the insight, regret, and resolve to make things as good as possible between us. It also shows that they value me and honor my experiences and feelings. That’s quite an expression of love. I want to embrace the person who genuinely regrets having hurt me.
Forgiveness has its place and it is wonderful when it happens. It is an expression of love and because it is an expression of love, it is an expression of emotional intimacy.
I choose not to be emotionally intimate with people who deliberately inflict harm and have no inclination to ever stop. I believe that is very dysfunctional. It perpetuates the cycle of abuse. In all honesty, I don’t want or need people like that in my life.
I only have so much in the emotional reserves department and I choose to share my best with people who earn my trust and my respect. I want to develop and strengthen the bonds between me and such people. That is going to mutually satisfying for all involved, and what a wonderful example to display to the rest of the world, particularly to the children who may be watching. They will learn how to enrich their lives and how to spare themselves from avoidable hurt.
You’re right – this works real well for me.
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skylar says:
G1S,
You have a great insight into forgiveness. Your post is very thoughtful, logical and visceral at the same time.
When I have forgiven people in the past, I get an amazing warm fuzzy feeling. That’s why it’s better to forgive. It feels great. In fact, there are some powerful marketing techniques that sort of revolve around that idea. I figured these out from working with my bf’s online business, but later read about them in marketing blogs.
It goes like this: When a customer receives a bad product, they feel betrayed and complain. As a retailer, I want to go above and beyond the call of duty and make amends by offering more than the customer expected. Sometimes, not only a refund but a replacement item for free. The response to my sincere apology and remorse for having sent a defective item is THE BEST FORM OF MARKETING EVER. That customer becomes a spokesperson for my product. They rave about our amazing customer service and also suddenly perceive the product as superior too. Also, I end up having personal contact by phone or email with the customer and that gives me an opportunity to rent space in their head – which is the goal of marketing.
All of this happens because of the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is also how a trauma bond works. It connects you to the forgiven. It is much too powerful to give it to a spath.
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agreenbean says:
G1S, i identified a lot with your post. i do believe no one will look out for you but yourself and if you “forgive” in the definition some people use, you are setting yourself up to be hurt again, you are leaving yourself unprotected.
i believe that is what i have done, i have done what i thought was forgive, what i thought was an expression of love. but love does not endanger you or expose you to more of the same hurt. so i must’ve been mistaken
what you say here: “I choose not to be emotionally intimate with people who deliberately inflict harm and have no inclination to ever stop. I believe that is very dysfunctional. It perpetuates the cycle of abuse. In all honesty, I don’t want or need people like that in my life”
that is what i would like to strive for, that is the strength i need to gain, the ability to stay away from the desire to be emotionally intimate with someone who has no concerns for anayone but themselves.
any tips??
thanks again for your posts, and to everyone else, for the comfort and insight i gain here makes me less afraid of my loneliness and future
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Ox Drover says:
Greenbean that is why I don’t “forgive” in the definition that my egg donor tried to make me believe in—that “forgivenss” meant that I restored trust and restored a relationship and even when I knew they would do it again, I had to PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED, OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
Nah, that is why I did a bit of research myself about what the Bible really taught, by precept and example, and forgiveness by my interpretation is just “getting the bitterness out of your heart” it does NOT mean trusting them, giving them a pass or absolving them, or anything of the like…it is about ME not them. I don’t like feeling bitter and angry so I quit feeling bitter and felt BETTER.
We may each define “forgiveness” in a different way and that’s okay, there’s no right or wrong. It’s just a matter of opinon for each of us and the dialog here is to make us THINK about this concept and help us resolve our own issues that are individual to each of us.
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sharing the journey says:
Skylar
You earned your customers forgiveness because of your ethical business practices and sincere remorse.
I would forgive you too and come back.
Nothing can beat good service.
GIS
Well said.
STJ
XXX
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sharing the journey says:
Oxy
As they say–all roads lead to Rome.
STJ
xxx
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Ox Drover says:
Skylar,
I 110% agree with you on “good business practices” and how 99.9% of the people respond to it. That is one of the things I like about Wal Mart is that they MAKE THE CUSTOMER HAPPY. I had a guy one time who sold me a defective tire (and they obviously KNEW it was defective because they put a tube in a tubeless tire plus it was not a brand that they even sold) I had a receipt too…and the guy called me a liar in a store full of customers and went on and on…so I went home (35 miles) and got the receipt and came back….NO apology, but he said “what will it take to make you happy?” I said a NEW TIRE, AND my money back, because if I don’t get that, I will put on a sandwich board and walk in front of your business every hour it is open for a week, AND the sign will say “this business cheats pore old widder women” He didn’t like my humor, but it was NOT AN IDLE THREAT I would have done it.
With my own customers I go by the rule “the customer must always be happy”
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Stargazer says:
GIS,
I definitely see your distinction, that if my co-workers who betrayed me came to me and asked for forgiveness and apologized for hurting me, I would be less guarded with them. But I still feel that I forgave them, because being guarded with them is not out of any kind of bitterness or lingering resentment. It’s because they don’t really know who I am, as evidenced by their behaviors, not because I still resent them. I have a kind and warm feeling in my heart toward them
With people who are not capable of really seeing me, I don’t share anything too deep with them, because it’s just not a wise thing to do – what would be the point? They can only see me through the filter of their own unresolved issues, so they will be judgmental toward me. For me, it’s simply being sane – if I am too open toward these people, they will not know how to deal with it. But in no way do I feel resentful toward them, and I don’t take their behaviors personally anymore. I am still kind to them, and I reach out to them in various ways – remembering their birthdays, and stopping to say hello and chat about the weekend. But my guard is also not completely down even with any of my co-workers. I feel it is healthy to have some boundaries with co-workers, and not to open up every detail of my life with them. There have been a few I wanted to get closer to, but when I started to, they seemed continuously stressed or preoccupied, I decided it was not a good idea. The main purpose of work is to get work done – it should not be the primary source for meeting my emotional needs.
Does this fit more of your idea of “acceptance” vs forgiveness? If so, then forgiveness is just reserved for our closest friends and people with whom we wish to be very intimate. I just use “forgiveness” for anyone who has hurt me that I no longer want to hold a grudge toward in my heart.
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skylar says:
Star,
thanks for sharing your perspective. It helps to understand somewhat why we all have different ideas of forgiveness. It has to do with boundaries.
In my case, I know that people on LF probably think I’m a total doormat because I put up with so much crap from my family and ex-spath. But the truth is, I’m only a door mat for people that I love and have close relationshits with. :p
For co-workers, I don’t have this problem and they couldn’t possibly hurt me, so there isn’t anything to betray. It feels to me that forgiveness is about reconciling with a betrayer.
It might sound like I don’t care about my co-workers but really it’s just that I care TOO MUCH about my family and friends. I put them above caring for myself, so that betrayal is really heart wrenching. Until I get to the point of caring for someone more than I care for myself, I don’t think I can feel betrayed by their evil actions. I don’t get hurt by them.
I realize now that this is part of my own narcissism and lack of boundaries, so it isn’t necessarily “correct”. It just is, for me, because I was raised to bond in this way.
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Stargazer says:
Sky, I had actually considered those particular co-workers as friends. The one who originally stabbed me in the back was a very close friend. However, after that, I decided not to be close friends with co-workers.
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skylar says:
Star,
I’m sorry you experienced that from someone you thought was a close friend. It’s disgusting to know that someone will befriend and betray you.
You made a wise decision to set aside resentment because you need to go to work each day.
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Stargazer says:
It seems so long ago now, and I have no bad feelings toward any of them. I think whatever you call it – forgiveness, acceptance, or whatever other term – as long as you feel released and at peace, and that it doesn’t hurt you anymore, that’s all that matters. I was miserable when I hated them so much. It was not a pleasant way to live. I realize how futile it is now. I understand why they did what they did. It just comes from their own dysfunction and really has nothing to do with me.
My job, all the difficult relationships, and the simple fact of having to get up, put my make-up on, and go to work each day no matter what has taught me so much. I am so grateful to this job for teaching me how to be happy no matter what. It’s ironic that a job that made me so miserable in the first several years ultimately taught me how to make myself happy.
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hens says:
Star – What you said pretty much sum’s up the quote from Mia Angelo [ Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past could of been any different ]..yes they just do what they do, thats how they survive.
And yes those of us that enjoy our work are very blessed
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
i have been wanting to post lately, but haven’t had the time to deal with the pain of opening the compartment of hurt that is associated with my present job. it’s been a devalue and discard, and i feel very rejected. it’s very hard.
i went to a 12 step meeting today and shared about it. and it helped a lot. there is another very feisty atheist in the room and the last couple of week s we have had a good connection. we will talk this week and i am looking forward to it. She suffered some pretty severe institutionally sanctioned abuse as a child and she fought it in the press as an adult. it’s good to be in the room with someone i can relate to. all the god talk always confused me in program, muddied the core messages for me – good that she is their talking a language that i relate to.
i sat between one woman who was knitting and one who was crocheting during the meeting. it was pretty great to watch them. I have been wanting to knit, but i don’t think my hands would put up with it – but crocheting looks possible.
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hens says:
hi 1steprs….:)
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sharing the journey says:
I think that the anger and hate are neccesary (spelling) to let us know that bounderies are being breached. It is our own reactions telling us the truth.
I also think peace comes from the acceptance that you are never going to change that person and it is only yourself that can change.
Being able to see the dysfunction objectively helps. It places you in the position of the decision maker. This empowers.
I to am very guarded in my dealings with people. As GIS said–I too have only a limited amount of emotional reserves and I keep it for those I hold dear.
I just can’t spread myself too thin in this area as it leaves me exhausted.
As been said- it really doesn’t matter how we get to peace within ourselves and a discussion around this helps open up possibilities that there are a number of ways to achieve it.
That’s why I love LF
Peace to all and healing
STJ
xxx
God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change
The courage to change what I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
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Stargazer says:
I think in the beginning when you are coming out of denial, anger is absolutely necessary to help set boundaries and take action. After that, however, holding onto chronic anger and resentment only hurts the person doing it.
For me, I really just want to be happy. I spent the first 40-something years of my life being unhappy. It’s been kind of a catch 22 for me that I’ve had to let go of all my righteous anger in order to get there. Believe me, I tried every other way first. None of the other ways worked, as long as I still had resentment toward those who had hurt me. I was very angry that I never got justice, that no one (not even a government program) stepped in and helped me, that no one paid my dental bills for the dental damage my mother caused me through her abuse and neglect, that no one ever rescued me, that I wasn’t entitled to any kind of funding to help me recover as an adult, that my parents never went to jail……it goes on and on. Life is incredibly unfair sometimes. I finally had to give up that feeling of entitlement and being a victim. It wasn’t getting me anywhere, NO ONE was going to rescue me, and it just made me feel alone and unhappy. Once I turned 50, I figured out that I was going to die like that if I didn’t do something. It took me a long time to get the message.
When you think about it, forgiveness is the ultimate selfish act and the final revenge against the perpetrator, especially if they are the kind who want you to suffer. I think my mother would be very jealous of me if she knew how I’ve moved on and how well I am doing, how young I look and feel, about my trips to Costa Rica, etc. But the irony is, I don’t need her to feel jealous. I no longer need for her to suffer. I don’t care anymore.
For me, it’s a matter of vanity, too. Chronic anger and resentment accelerate aging and contribute to disease, which I really don’t need.
I am going to qualify this, because there was a time in my life when if someone said these things to me, I would have wanted to stomp them.
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callmeathena says:
I read this morning a great quote:
If one fights the devil with the devil’s weapons, one becomes the devil.
I personally need to remember this every time I am tempted to backspath my spath. I need to just accept what he did, and move on. Otherwise I become him.
Athena
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hens says:
Very well said athena…..
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G1S says:
Dear Star and the others,
Yes, that is exactly what I mean by what you described. It’s acceptance, not forgiveness.
We’ve forgotten the origins of these words and their true meanings. They’ve morphed in a secondary meaning, which is how language evolves, but a wrong definition of the word doesn’t mean that’s what the word means.
We cannot “restore” trust in a relationship. Trust is earned.
I agree that anger and hate are valid emotions and have an appropriate place in the world. If somebody does something outrageous, I believe the appropriate feeling is outrage. It’s how we handle those feelings and what we do with them that makes them healthy, unhealthy, or dysfunctional. Defining boundaries and adhering to them keeps us sane.
I have been in Al-Anon going on 26 years and I am an adult child. I was also raped by the family minister when I went to him as a teen to ask him to intervene with my mother so she would stop hitting me. It’s how I lost my virginity. I had so many issues with God that I literally would begin to shake with rage when trying to say the Lord’s Prayer in a group. To this day, I cannot remember the words because I was praying while I was being raped and guess what? God didn’t stop it, but I am very spiritual and most definitely believe in God today. It wasn’t God who did those things; it was humans exercising their free wills and being grossly indifferent to the pain and suffering that they were inflicting.
Adult children have a huge problem with Step 2, Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity,” because they didn’t grow up in sanity and don’t know what it is. They need guidance to know and recognize sanity today. And frankly, with all the abuse and insanity they endured as children, they either believed that God cannot exist or if God did exist, then God certainly didn’t care about one twit about children. It takes a lot of therapy, meetings, and self-work to get that all straightened out in one’s mind.
BTW, for the record, it isn’t “God;” it’s a power greater than ourselves however we choose to name it, although granted, there are other Steps & Traditions that use “God.” It’s one of the shortcomings of the Program, I think.
That being said, 12-Steps programs are spiritual programs so to attend them and object to the spiritual aspects of the programs is akin to going to McDonald’s as a vegan and objecting to McDonald’s selling hamburgers.
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Ox Drover says:
I think that humans per se have a “spiritual aspect” even if they are atheists. I think that “spiritual aspect” is as built in as the bonding with others is…okay, the psychopaths have difficulty bonding because their oxytocin receptors aren’t as enabling of the bonding as “normal,” but over all, spirituality is part of the being human.
How we express that spirituality or religion (whatever you want to call it) is up to us as individuals. My egg donor almost killed my belief in God by demanding that HER idea of what “god” was was the ONLY way I could avoid hell fire and brimstone for eternity. ONLY her little narrow minded group was going to heaven and all else even if they called themselves “Christians” were doomed to hell forever.
Well, I’ve come to view her ideas as the perversions that they are. The cult-mindedness that it is. The evil that it is, and how it made me fear God by the time I was 5 or 6 years old and by age 8 I was terrified of her “god.” There was no joy in her god, only a fear of him. Now I have a joy in my God, a god of Love, not of Hate. A God who embraces, not excludes.
G1S I am glad that you have found Al anon helpful to you, and there are many people who could profit from that group I believe.
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sharing the journey says:
Gis
I too am an adult child and attend meetings sporadically. To reduce the complexity surrounding God I simplify.
I see the universe as ruled by two opposing forces. Good and Evil. We can establish a head of these two forces as God and the Devil.
When evil is ascending, good will rise to overcome. Otherwise peace will reign.
I also take a personal stance in the battle. I liken myself as having an affinity as doing God’s work by becoming one of his human angels. Angels care nothing for popularity and are willing to do battle with evil.
They strive to do what is right.
During any sort of abuse and especially childhood abuse or children witnessing it. Evil is attacking the soul. The soul is endangered and some conclude that the devil has more power and joins him.
Those that decide to make an effort to heal their souls by seeking help through various means such as therapy etc., usually find peace within themselves and the world.
Those that convert to evil never know this peace–this is the reward for those who tread the path towards the light. ‘The road less travelled’ as Scott Peck calls it.
Spaths see this light in us and want it-but don’t want work for it. They want to overpower and control it. Capture it. When there methods don’t work they get frustrated and try to destroy it.
Their souls are corrupted.
They will never know happy uplifting feelings and will dwell always in the dark. Their emotions will forever be greed, envy and rage.
Although they can seem powerful–in reality they are weak.
And what we must never forget is that the dark hates the light.
So we must protect ouselves.
STJ
xxx
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Stargazer says:
GIS,
First, I am sad and outraged reading about the minister who raped you. Did he ever get reported? I’m so sorry this happened to you. I am right there with you about having a hard time believing in an entity called God who is some sort of heavenly father who watches over us. All of my fathers either abused or abandoned me, and my mother neglected and abused me. This is probably why I relate more to Buddhism, though I still pray when I need to.
I remember hearing a story about a woman who couldn’t overcome depression. She ended up in Scotland in a spiritual community called Findhorn. While there, she was able to forgive a man who had raped her when she was younger. After that, she had great peace in her life. This story was told to me by one of her friends who was also my friend who heard it firsthand. That story always had an impact on me.
In the Bible there may be a distinction between forgiveness and acceptance. To me, it is all the same action. I cannot find a difference in my own experience.
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skylar says:
STJ,
I see you as a powerful angel in the fight against darkness.
You said, “Angels care nothing for popularity and are willing to do battle with evil.” That is how I see it too. Humility is the angel’s weapon. and good boundaries, too I think.
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G1S says:
Yes, Star, he got reported by me to the church and the state where we live and to my parents.
What my parents found out was that this minister had plenty of other stories surrounding him regarding his inappropriate behavior, starting with my sister-in-law. She and my brother were both entering second marriages when they decided to get married. During their pre-marital counseling, right in front of my brother, the minister wanted to know if she ever had orgasms with her first husband and what specifically did she do to achieve them? This wasn’t my sister-in-law’s faith so she had no clue what ministers are supposed to discuss in pre-marital counseling, but she was outraged. My brother was not a church goer so he had no idea if ministers should talk about these things. Nonetheless, they had this minister marry them. There were other stories about him as well outside of our family.
I spoke with an assistant prosecutor for our state’s AG’s office. He said that unless I had photos or some other objective evidence, or unless I could produce other people with similar stories, it was as case of he said/she said. There was nothing that they could do. Emotionally, I was in no place to go tracking down other people to see what happened to them. I had all I could do to handle my own stuff.
I spoke with several ministers and the Synod, even a former bishop of the Synod. According to their responses, they believed me, but nobody did anything. Nobody defended him. In fact, the former bishop told me that if he had bene bishop at the time of this minister’s appointment to our church, he never would have put him in our church. Makes you wonder what vulnerable congregation he would have been shuffled off to. Unless I could produce all sorts of evidence, it was my word against his.
The person who knows a lot about this is Carolyn Waterstradt. She posted here about clergy predator grooming techniques. She’s been involved with studies about sexual abuse by the clergy and has written a book on it. Ask her if you’d like to know more. I will let her know she may be asked.
Regarding the Bible, judging is reserved for God. Even the passage that I mentioned earlier about Jesus saying, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do,” was an opportunity for Jesus to do the forgiving, but he didn’t. He could have illustrated by his actions how people are supposed to forgive. Who is to say that he didn’t by not forgiving his murderers himself, but praying to God to show mercy and letting the forgiving rest with God?
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moveingon says:
Athena, a McKenzie friend is someone in the UK you can take into court with you. They cannot speak or take part but are there to assist. My McKenzie friend had been with me in 2 proceedings before and he normally (ironically) helps fathers to have contact with their children. He has been in over 1200 proceedings and this was a first when he was told to shove off.
Deep breaths but he explained what he thought the judge was doing, get the money, he is a tosser, no room for appeals etc. Yes I got the money but there was already a court order in place. To put this into context I got nothing for 2 years, his excuse he had to spend £60k on a wedding an £45k on a lexus car so child maintenance and in his own words ‘the children are not my priority’.
He is a loser, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, this is now the 4th time. His parting shot ‘my son will be removed from his school because I say so’. He pays half ..even the judge told him ‘file a CT100 then Mr XX and get on with your threats’.
Yes my daughter got what was agreed and what she was entitled to, but even she knows ..this is an ‘in’ ..and in her own words over lunch ‘he is now divorced again, and I have no doubt he will give me more than the court order ..to buy me, he is too stupid to know I don’t care about his money’.
He insisted she was in court and in her words ‘he brought me here today just because he could’. He has not seen her in years, and she walked out of the side room went to fetch a cup of water (just to get it over with), looked at him and he did not even recognise her. In that moment he had lost all power over her, her tears of coming to court, the worry for weeks, he did not even know who she was ..my daughter walked back in the room and said she was no longer afraid of him; he has been violent.
I actually said to her in the ladies bathroom afterwards, I am weirdly beginning to feel sorry for him, my daughter ‘he’s not worth it, its like feeling sorry for a road kill’.
We then went off for a lovely lunch.
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callmeathena says:
Wow, what a great way to rise above it! “He’s not worth it, it’s like feeling sorry for a road kill”.
Great job with your daughter! Take a bow!
Athena
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Ox Drover says:
Moving on, I am so glad that your daughter did so well! And you were so worried! I “hate” to say ” (actually I like it) I told you so!” LOL She is stronger than you thought! You raised that girl right and she is her mother’s daughter! That piece of ROAD KILL isn’t worth it!
TOWANDA for both you and your lovely daughter!
He didn’t recognize her! That’s CHOICE!!!! ROTFLMAO!
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skylar says:
movingon,
your ex-spath is only doing this for the drama. He can’t PAY anyone for the kind of drama he gets from a day in court with you. He obviously knows exactly what he can get away with and he pushes the envelope just to watch the look on your face and the face of the judge too.
Spaths have a different idea about what winning is. To them, being able to change the expression on your face is like winning the lotto is to us. ANY EXPRESSION IS A WIN.
I’ve told this story before, I don’t know if you’ve read it. Spath heard that a teenage girl had been swept away in a local river one summer. The body wasn’t found. He decided to use his gyrocopter to go look for it. He invited his friend, BF, to go along on the adventure, flying low over the river in an open cockpit gyro and search for the body. He found it. Then he went back to the airport, grabbed an inflatable raft and convinced his friend to go with him to fetch the corpse. They dragged it to shore and called the cops. The media showed up, lots of excitement and attention. He asked them not to use his name or mention the gyro, so they said “a local helicopter pilot” on the news.
When he got home, he told me all about it. Which part do you think he emphasized the most out of that whole “adventure”? The dead body? the flight over the river? The moment of discover? The police or media? nope.
he kept repeating, “You should have seen the look on BF’s face. You should have SEEEEN it! You should’ve seen his face queeeeebing! You should have seen the look on his face!”
I now understand that spath probably had already looked for the body and seen it snagged. So he set up the rest of the props: inviting FB, pretending to search, the boat was ready in place to grab. everything was set up, just so he could watch the look on BF’s face. Because you see, BF is my boyfriend now and he can’t hide his emotions at all. He has a very expressive face. Must’ve been like nectar to the spath.
Spaths will do anything to affect the look on your face. To them, it is power. I’m sure that’s why he keeps taking you to court. The only way to break him of his addiction to your face, is Gray Rock. NO EXPRESSIONS FOR HIM.
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darwinsmom says:
Sky,
My ex-spath would peer at me when provoking me, and comment on me when I was mad… He would laugh, or tell me I looked sexy when I was mad or upset. It was when I felt cold and apathic about his behaviour that he would go jump from one tactic to another to get a response from me.
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sharing the journey says:
Skylar
I am not a powerful angel and thanks for the compliment–but I am just a human one and am on this site in the company of many other angels such as yourself. We all shed light. Be it through reason-experience or information and spirituality.
Movingon is in fierce battle mode–and her wings are in full flight.
Oxy and yourself are forever there guiding new broken angels to healing–enfolding your wings around them. Battle with evil takes its toll.
All the other angels on this site alone –too numerous to mention–provide support to each other including myself.
Donna is an angel for providing it.
Take for example when an evil troll enters the site–they dont last long–good rises and overcomes. I can almost hear the angels wings getting ruffled for battle when this happens. Warning other angels of danger.
Gis
I too honour God and his place in judgment. It is only for him to forgive not me. I am sorry for your experience–but your were a lone angel amongst many evils. You sowed seeds and perhaps in the future that may be enough to bring him down. If not it may stop him. You battled.
Sometimes we lose the battle but win the war which is the main thing.
Skylar
I know that you love St Micheal the archangel–I do to.
I know it is cheesy–but do you remember the scene in Micheal the film where he goes into a bar full of mysoginists and smells the air and just states ‘BATTLE’ then dances with the women then fights.
I just love that scene as it captures the essence of an angels work.
Darwinsmon
Yes they sure do love to torment. Anything for attention and to distract you from what is really going on.
Take care all
STJ
xxx
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