*huggles* ^_^ That...
RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: The Whitney Houston tragedy
PDF 
Editor’s note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide. Rebecca Potter works as a licensed mental health counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida.
I’m every woman … It’s all in me …
By Rebecca Potter
Rebecca Potter profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
Sadly, on February 11, 2012, the world lost another woman’s voice when Whitney Elizabeth Houston died in her hotel room. The press talked about her drug and alcohol use, her bizarre behavior, etc. Reporters briefly mentioned her tumultuous marriage. Did we lose another beautiful woman’s voice to the tragic, permanent, emotional and physical side effects of leaving an abusive marriage, and/or the struggle of trying to protect her young child from a dangerous man in the legal system?
A quote from a news article reads:
“When Whitney Houston decided to end her marriage with Bobby Brown, the thought in many minds was why did this decision take so long in light of the history of infidelity, scandals, drug and alcohol arrests, and marital problems during their marriage?”
It appears that Whitney’s life took a turn for the worse when she entered into a relationship with Bobby Brown
Although I can only offer a hypothetical opinion as a therapist, her struggle seems hauntingly familiar. Is it possible that Whitney Houston suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Those of us who have left an abusive relationship understand the fear and anxiety we developed in the relationship. We know it is hard to leave, and repeated exposure to the trauma creates Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The neurological and biological effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms affect our ability to clearly identify what is happening. The powerful biological responses of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may cause an abused woman to under react (dissociate) or to overreact (perhaps explaining some of Whitney’s bizarre behavior). What we also know is that the mere exposure to a dangerous man in a relationship causes a continuous roller coaster of biological and neurological reactions that affect our brain chemistry and create anxiety. This biological reaction from post traumatic stress disorder can be triggered instantly by any environmental cue (where the abuse occurred, angry voices, displeasure from someone, etc.), long after leaving the abusive situation.
Lack of effective medical treatment
Sadly, many women medicate this anxiety with drugs and alcohol. The medical community, governed by insurance corporations, will allow and cover drug and alcohol treatment usually only for 30 days. Drug and alcohol treatment is ineffective with patients who have suffered trauma and betrayal bonding. Still, the standard approach is to use prescription medication to treat the substance abuse. These professionals know all too well that an addict is going to relapse. Professionals know that recovery involves a desire to heal, to attend meetings, and professional therapy, for much more than 30 days of treatment.
Whitney went to treatment and possibly in treatment she was given her prescription medications. She left treatment early, but continued to be given the prescription medications, continued to abuse substances and possibly continued to be triggered by trauma symptoms. It is unlikely that she was informed and educated about the permanent and pervasive effects of a dangerous relationship.
What if Whitney would have been able to seek treatment to understand the betrayal bonding that occurred in her relationship with Bobby Brown?
What if …
- she had been treated with biofeedback
- she learned to recognize the trauma triggers
- she had connected with a group of other women who could have supported her
- she had heard from other professional women who had given so much of themselves to a man who was not able to love and return love because of a serious mental illness and genetic disorder
- she heard from others that they endured the emotional , financial, mental traumas, who stayed because they were trying to live by God’s law and supporting an erratic husband
- she heard that many women feel relief when a husband finally hits them, because they are able to recognize physical abuse, but have become numb to verbal, mental, and financial abuse
- she knew what to expect when she went to the court system, that she would then be abused by attorneys who wanted what was left of her money and the fear she may have felt from a legal system that could award her child to an abuser
- she knew that due to mere exposure to the trauma and domestic violence her daughter could marry the same type of man
- she understood that personality disorders are an enduring pattern of behaviors; stable and long duration that are inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations
- she knew that the abuser could appear so supportive and caring to groom and gain her trust
- she knew that the sexual intensity between them was part of the betrayal bonding component
- she knew that many women begin substance use to try to connect with these abusive mates
- she knew that exposure to these kinds of people would leave her emotionally and physically ill and leaving him would expose her to devastating financial harm
- she knew that these abusers looked for injured folks and put up a mask to draw them in, usually with intense personalities and sex, only to take everything and leave them
- she could have let go of the fear and shame that haunted her
A tragedy
The world lost a beautiful musical voice. My hope is that the world learns from the tragedy of Whitney. To all other beautiful voices who may currently feel or have felt the pain of betrayal, I encourage treatment with professionals who understand the complex treatment of trauma, professionals who clearly understand the effects of abusive betrayal bonds used by so many in our society to take and pillage from innocent people.
God bless you and keep you Whitney Elizabeth Houston and ALL OTHER VOICES who struggle with healing from trauma bonding.
Rebecca Potter, LMHC is a licensed therapist in Florida who has also suffered trauma from a former abusive husband and a corrupt, abusive family court system. She can be reached at: tlc211@gmail.com.
For more information, read: Inside Whitney Houston’s violent marriage to Bobby Brown on TheDailyBeast.com.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
darwinsmom says:
Athena,
When you know the reason why you hang on to the hope that he is not as bad as you feared, then you are closer to the key to remain no contact. It is now important for you to find out how you can validate yourself.
“I know this means not fighting with myself to try to control my thoughts and force myself to NOT think about him (does denying oneself anything ever work? No). Instead, when I DO think about him, I need to see him clearly in my head, and accept that the whole story of “us” was bullshit.”
Exactly! There is no shame in missing him. It is natural and normal that you would. You loved truly and you are bonded. It is painful, and annoying, but the acceptance of it is part of its easing. You can turn the missing feelings into a moment where you honour of yourself: YOU were and are REAL.
“it’s an issue of an earthquake. My worldview has shifted. And I’m arguing with that in my head.”
It is an earthquake. I truly is. I found it horrific. I was in a full state of horror for several months. It was what created the feeling of panic in my mind and disabled me from functioning properly except for observing for several months, and caused more havoc through it. Now, the reality has become accepted to me. I feel sad about this reality at times, but accepting it is also empowering me to choose my battles. More aware now, and not battling the knowledge in my head anymore, enabled me to either cut out the bullshit out of my life or deal with it in a strategic way, without taking it personal anymore: in my personal and professional life. I wouldn’t even want to be unaware anymore now, seeing how much better I have handled certain situations more aptly and to my own satisfaction the past few months.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
Vidya,
Only contact an ex of his if it is safe to do so.
I knew who they were, and I picked them out of his FB contacts in the days following our break up and wrote a FB message to them. Another one lives in Belgium and actually called me herself the second or third day after the break up to tell me what a bastard he was, that she was utterly happy for me that he was out of my life. I also contacted a FB friend of mine, who wasn’t a friend of mine. She had friend requested me a few months before my break up with my ex-spath. I knew she had befriended my the spath in FB first, had been in Nicaragua and then requested me, while I wasn’ t there and she possibly couldn’t know. I accepted her request, anyhow. On her pictures I could see when she was in Nicaragua and that she and HER friend knew the spath. Her pics were innocent enough. But I had a suspicion anyhow that her friend my have had an affair with the spath. I hadn’t had the courage to ask until after the break up. The young woman did say she felt it wasn’t her place to tell what happened, but agreed to request her friend if she was willing to talk to me and tell her story. Not only did the friend confirm she had had an affair with my spath, but also how he had stolen from her (she wasn’t certain it was him at the time), and once I was befriended with her I could see the pics they had where he was tagged (he had security settings on the pics of him in which he was tagged so that I couldn’t see them). More I could read the comments he had written on those pics, and then on his fb page how he tried to contact her and sweeten her up after she left Nicaragua an traveled more south, while at the same time I had been waiting for him to come online to talk to me, but never did (he was online, just completely ignored me), and I left “Love you” and “miss you” messages. I could see the whole warbled mix of it. Nobody with any empathy in his bone would have those messages mixed together on their wall. It was just ugly and sick. That’s when I knew he didn’t just never loved me, but enjoyed torturing me emotionally. It was truly disgusting. That fb wall of his was exactly the last straw for me to never doubt what an ugly, disgusting human being he is. And I exposed this deceit on his fb wall with one post, and then deleted ALL my hystory and links with him.
I would be interested to hear the story from his ex-wife, but I have no way of contactign her at all. But I guess it won’t be much different from mine, nor the 3 other woman.
I don’t really contact much people of his circle anymore, but I’m not afraid to talk to them either. Most tend to not tell me what he’s up to now, instinctively or because they respect my wishes about it. But at the very least if I were to say visit Nicaragua ever again I can actually ask them whether he’s around or not (and that is why most keep them as FB contact: to be aware of his whereabouts to stay safe themselves LOL). I have no need to convince them, let alone making them choose. They know they can’t trust him, and trust me. And I know the whole ugly truth after seeing and reading that FB wall in the first week after we broke up. If hypothetically his new victim or his sister-cousin would try to convince me what a swell guy he is… I know they’re wrong and in denial then. There is not even 0.000000000000000000000001 % doubt in me.
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Athena,
YOu say you think he is also possibly a “bit borderline”–the personality disorder symptoms overlap to a large extent, so you are probably right on.
A LIAR is not to be trusted….if you can’t trust someone how on earth can you have a relation-shiat with them?
Each time you find yourself thinking about him, missing him, etc. say to yourself “but he is a LIAR, HE IS NOT REAL. I CAN’T TRUST HIM.”
There are also bundles of good articles here on “healing from a sociopath” and though they are not going to magicly heal you, they are good reading for when you are feeling “weak” so go read them…and when you finish the last one go read them again! It will help.! (((hugs))) and God bless.
(Report abusive comment)
Vidya says:
darwinsmom:
Hiding tagged pictures of himself on fb is a HUGE red flag. My ex did this exact same thing a few months into our relationship. He went from being completely transparent with me, showing me old private pictures online of exes and friends, to privatizing everything.
He reeled me in that way with his honesty and transparency. Once the trap had snapped on me he hid all pictures but his profile photos.
When questioned about why he made his pictures private, he said he didn’t want stupid pictures of him tagged by others and because he could not control what other people tagged he just made them to where only HE could see them.
Are these men cut from the same cloth or what?!
He makes me sick. How could I have been so trusting? In a previous post I made I said I could never fully trust him, but I tried to ignore it because he said the problem was ME and my own insecurities.
No, the problem was him. It was ALWAYS him.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
Vidya,
He did the EXACT same thing… heck the first months he gave me his password to upload everything, invited me to chat on HIS fb with his friends. I respect people’s privacy, wasn’t even curious, and he was showing all this. Never abused it. And then couple of months later I discovered I couldn’t see tagged pics of him, because when I tagged him in my pictures I couldn’t even see them from his wall anymore. And when I asked about it, he came with this lame excuse that he didn’t know how to. When I told him of course that I could help him with that, first he made excuses, and then started to accuse me of being controlling. WTF? That was MONTHS before it all going wrong. At some point I did become suspicious because of some wall comments I read of him towards a “friend”. At least her pics weren’t protected, and I saw nothing of real worry, but he was often asking where she was, how she was, and using “Baby”… I actually had noticed some of it months before, but even didn’t think much of it… and then all of a sudden it started to click. Because I feared his denial was a lie I wrote her myself. She said nothing had ever happened between them. Then suddenly she tagged him in her pics and he commented how he liked hte pics and happy to be tagged in them, but why had she waited so long to tag him… she commented it didn’t matter anymore to keep them secret. It wasn’t outspoken, but it seemed as if she was supposed to keep the pics with him secret… only one detail: her pic protections were such that friends of friends could see them, so I had always been able to see them. There just wasn’t anything to see them as a couple on them, just friends had been possible. That she thought she kept them secret until I wrote her to ask her whether she and him had had a liaison (and I asked very respectfully, not to accuse her) is more circumstantial evidence they probably did have an affair. Pity she lied to me about it. It would have saved me at the very least half a year of emotional torment. She probably thought: heck it was a summer, holiday affair… no need to break them up.
Yup it is a HUGE flag.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Darwinsmom & Vidya,
My spath had all kinds of things that he hid from me and I felt perplexed about why he felt the need to hide stuff from me. Like where his friend H lived. One day we were going to meet in the town where H lives. But I wasn’t supposed to know where the house was. Spath said to meet him at xx place. Somehow, I glimpsed spaths car leaving H’s house and going out the back road only to drive back around coming toward the front. So I asked spath why he did that.
He said, “I didn’t want you to know where H lives because I think you are vindictive and one day you’ll try to do something to me.” I thought, “WTF?”
It occurred to me that spath didn’t know me very well. I thought that for some reason he was painting me with a brush that had to do with other people who had tried to hurt him.
Now I know exactly why he did that. It’s because he had always INTENDED to hurt me. And he expected retribution. That’s why they compartmentalize. When you know all of a spath’s sources of supply, and spath stabs you in the back, the spath worries that you will poison his well.
Red Flag : if he tries to keep you from knowing any friends or family members he is compartmentalizing you and he’s up to no good. DUH!
Really if I had just listened to my gut, I would have known because it made me sick to be treated like that.
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Oxy, yeah, I see the borderline tendancies in him – he has these crazy cycles of hibernation & then communication – and then not only IF he talks to anybody, but WHOM he talks to. I did read all the stuff about healing. THank you for that. But there is nothing better than talking about it myself, with people I trust, and who are going through the same things. Hugs to all of you tonight.
Athena
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
Sky,
He wanted to introduce me to ALL the men he knew, but not the women that much. Why would that be, huh?
It backfired: I removed all evidence of me ever being in love and happy with him. Wrote ‘fake’ with the very few pictures he had of us on his own account. And I wrote one wall comment: “ladies get tested for STDs, I know I may have looked like a fool for trusting this man, but at least I had genuine feelings.” :p The people who know us both supported me, some of the people that he considers guys to hang out with and introduce eahc victim to tipped me off how long it had been going on already with the new victim and that he was talking about going to live in London in the first week he had switched.
As far as I’m concerned everyone has been helpful to give me all the info I needed back then to want to move on and know reality. They are still eager to tell me whatever they know he’s been up to: cheating on his present “girlfriend”, using her for paying for their trips (now he’s supposed to be in Australia) and telling me they’ll give me head’s up if I ever plan to visit Nicaragua where in the world he’s at, so I can come without being bothered by him. I don’t ask them about this, not of the past, not the present. I don’t talk about him at all, and if they mention him I change the subject. But it’s nice to know that they’re all happy I’m rid of him and be eyes for me if I would ask them to. I lashed out for a moment for all to see , short and succinct, and then remained silent about him to them. They probably write it off as a response of a woman scorned, but they don’t blame me, because they agree and I hardly discussed it with any of them.
I actually am pretty sure that if I were indeed to visit his village in Nicaragua that i’m welcomed with open arms and have many people who’d look out for me, more now than when I was with him. He didn’t have a good reputation to begin with anyway.
(Report abusive comment)
Vidya says:
Skylar wrote:
“That’s why they compartmentalize. When you know all of a spath’s sources of supply, and spath stabs you in the back, the spath worries that you will poison his well.
Red Flag : if he tries to keep you from knowing any friends or family members he is compartmentalizing you and he’s up to no good. DUH!
Really if I had just listened to my gut, I would have known because it made me sick to be treated like that. ”
Totally 100% agree!!! After the first 4 months he stopped bringing me around his friends and I never saw his family again. We dated for a year past that. I was doubtful his parents even knew we were together but they sent me a Christmas gift through him so they did know. Honestly I was SHOCKED when I found out they knew we were still together.
When I wrote him a heart-felt email near the end breaking things off (things really ended about 2 weeks after that) I told him all I ever wanted was to be included in his social circle, invited to things he did with his friends–things NORMAL people want from a NORMAL relationship–but he COMPARTMENTALIZED his life. That way he would not be asked what happened with us, no one would inquire about our break-up and he could go on and live life as if we never happened. He had no response to this. Never even addressed it and did not make time to have a discussion with me about our relationship. His friends were in another town and I am sure they never knew he lived with me.
Even on facebook when he was posting about his new job people would comment and ask if he moved here. He never replied to them. Because that would mean he’d have to say where he was staying!! I don’t think his coworkers ever knew he lived with me either. He had his separate worlds and that did not sit well with me.
I now think he had to move on to someone else because I had figured out a LOT of the things in his bag of tricks. I was onto him and speaking out about it regularly. I stood up to him when he attempted to control my free time, wanting 7 days/week with me when I begged to have 3/week nights to engage in a hobby. He was unyielding in that request and I was unyielding in my decision to keep 3 nights for myself. We lived together so it wasn’t as if we never saw one another and my hobby was done right there at home on the computer, hurting no one, just having fun playing a game online, so it wasn’t like he didn’t know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing.
I didn’t give in. For the first time I didn’t give in to one of his requests that would have changed my life for the worse, taking away one of the last things that gave me happiness. And so….he moved out.
And I began to detox. And every day I gain clarity and insight into what he really was–a verbally abusive, emotionally manipulative, self-absorbed, angry sociopath.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Vidya,
oh yes, the spaths don’t like it when you look behind the mask. It was toward the end that he asked me, “When did you stop respecting me?” respect? I never respected him. I felt sorry for him, mostly. How could I respect someone who mooched off me?
So yours left you at that point. Mine decided to kill me at that point. Different paths for different spaths.
It doesn’t matter what the differences are, they’re still all the same. I wish we had an emoticon for :puke:
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Vidya
Wow, your words are my words!
In my lack of understanding, early on, I wrote emails to my spath saying, “WHERE IS YOUR CONSCIENCE? WHERE IS YOUR MORAL CODE? FIND IT! LIFE YOUR LIFE IN THE OPEN!”. Little did I know then what a ridiculous thing I was asking for somebody who was so INCAPABLE.
And so many times, I demanded of him, “I WANT NORMAL. NORMAL RELATIONSHIP. HONESTY. OPEN BOOK. GROCERY SHOPPING. FAMILY. NO HIDING.”. Of course, that went nowhere.
And yes, so many times I saw people ask my spath a question, or, I asked one myself, and the question just went unanswered. He’d pretend he didn’t hear it, or he would change the subject, or redirect. What a pattern.
!@#(!)#!. Just typing this out makes me feel SO ANGRY at myself for tolerating it.
I SO MUCH want to reach out to his current supply and tell her how he’s been cheating on her. !P@#(!@(#!.
ATHENA
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
Athena,
I understand about wanting to warn the new supply. I did it, because none of the ex-es warned me, and they probably would have been the sole source I would have found credible. I’ve always relied on the rule of the new partner being treated like previous partners. I never had been with anyone who cheated on me, but once, and I told him to close the door behind him… wasn’t even a relationship, just budding. I never cheated on someone. I never slept or even kissed with a man who I knew who was with someone else (though some crash on the couch, and on the couch they stayed). Not that I have never been attracted to someone who was involved, but my rule was alway: if they cheat on someone for you, then they’ll cheat on you too. Had any of them told me he had cheated on them early on, certainly as severely as he has done, I’d have dropped my ex-spath like a stone. None of them did though, fearing I wouldn’t believe them. So, I did warn the new woman, and so did another ex. But she chose to believe the fairytale and lovebomb. At the very least, I feel I have done what felt honourable and right for me to do. I felt I did right by myself by doing what I considered the right thing. What she did with the info and date was her responsibility after that.
I do think that if you ever leak info, that it’s important to have supportive witnesses or evidence, and depending on the circumstances and risk of danger, to do it in a way so he or she cannot trace you back as a source.
And it all depends on the energy it needs: at the time it cost me less energy to warn her, then bottling it all up and feel guilty for not doing what I at the time felt right. Now, it’s the opposite.
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
DarwinsMom,
I would like to think that if I had been warned, I would have run. But I don’t know. I slept with him right away, and by then I was bonded. I saw red flags right away, but didn’t ACCEPT them for what they were. Dumb.
You’re right this all takes energy. I just need to work on acceptance and calming myself. I am angry at him and at myself.
There are moments where I just want to reach out and ruin his life. I hate to admit that, but it’s true. I need to find ways to let go of that impulse. I don’t have any tools in the toolbox to deal with THIS.
Athena
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
Athena,
I wouldn’t have known he was a sociopath. I also saw red flags, but they were unfamiliar to me. I saw the behaviour, but didn’t know the reasons for the behaviour. I do know that I shunned cheating behaviour. Then again, as said, I would have walked away without knowing what a sociopath was. I know now.
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Athena, I would lie awake at night plotting ways to “get even” with some of the Ps who wounded me…but every time I did, I realized that just the plotting made me feel bad….I had to stop doing it FOR ME. Sometimes we get “justice”—they get found out or go to jail, but other times we don’t…they just move to hurt the next victim, or spit in our faces and walk off…but in the end, we are better off and our ultimate revenge is to LIVE A GOOD LIFE.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
“our ultimate revenge is to LIVE A GOOD LIFE.”
Yes! My revenge feelings did not go further than taking back what he took from me: dignity and my lent status. The money I cannot get back, but I will have a small celebration when my personal loan is paid off in May. It will feel as if I’m dancing on his grave, and mentally he’s dead to me… in an icy grave of a mental arctic. I knew that if I would try more than that, I would be going beyond my reach, in a spiritual way and that would backfire: because I would keep him in my mental life then in a bad way, hold on to him so to speak. When I warned the new woman, it wasn’t about revenge, but pure concern for her.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Darwinsmom,
I agree. The spaths hate for us to be happy, that’s why they attacked us in the first place. They want us to feel the feelings of low self-worth that they have.
What would have them seething with rage, if they knew, is that we take these opportunities for self-reflection and come out of it stronger and with more dignity than ever.
Dabrowski’s theory of positive disintegration is a perfect example of rising out of a shattering experience.
http://giftedkids.about.com/od.....ve_dis.htm
The key is not to go backwards in any level and not to accept some facade of happiness just because we want to fit in. It has to be real happiness.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
I love Dabrowski’s theory, Sky. I saved the link you gave about it once, and shared it with my best friend too.
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Sky
I will go back and read that theory. Thank you for sharing the link.
Darwinsmom
In your post above, you mentioned wanting to “win” the spath back.
I hate to admit it, but that is one of the things that propels me.
I keep wanting to WIN. I want to win his heart. I want to win his love. I want to be right about him. I keep doing this over and over and over.
My closet is full of clothes that I bought because of him – a certain brand, or, a certain style (he loved it when I looked “glamorous”). I got sucked into being who he wanted me to be, which wasn’t my self at all.
I bought into the fantasy and played the role he wanted me to play.
And I still keep finding that I want to win.
I need a new story line. I suppose it’s acceptance.
Sky,
One of the things, Skylar, that you have said, is that it all starts with the idea that he wanted to hurt me, that he WANTS to hurt me. It still doesn’t compute with me. I just can’t see that. He seemed like he was SOOO into me. And he panicked when I dumped him.
Is that why he’s so hot and cold? Wants me, doesn’t? Says he loves me, then is as cold as ice? Is this part of a brain problem like bipolar/schitzophrenia, or is it purposeful, intentional manipulation?
Puzzled.
Athena
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Darwinsmom,
I’m glad you found it helpful. One thing that I found so interesting is that the first level of integration is so infantile and it perfectly describes a spath. And then the second level is a perfect description of a FENCE SITTER! (easily manipulated, has no core values).
Athena,
Perhaps somewhere in his primordial spath brain, the spaths really do have a “need” for us, like they did for their mommy. But that isn’t love. I think spaths reveal that need, just enough for us to get a glimpse. It’s the tiny anchor of truth that they always insert in their titanic lies. It makes the whole charade seem more real.
You are experiencing cog/diss because he can be so nice to you and then he hurts you. They both SEEM so real. But only the hurtful part is real. His need for you is as a scapegoat for all his feelings of worthlessness. So yes, I know that they panic when you dump them.
Mine surely did. It was extremely traumatic for him. Imagine what it did to his delusions of power and control…whoops! And boy those were huge delusions! He had cops and homeland security guys chasing me around. The neighborhood had me surrounded by spaths, my own sister turned on me and he had a trojan horse homeland security agent married to her. His personality at this time became more unstable than I had ever seen it. He was heady with power. He had just convinced, S the millionaire, to buy a new helicopter so he could later con him into giving him the old one. He had so many balls in the air and they were all flying in his complete control. It must have felt like a punch to the gut when I left him. (or maybe a kick in the balls! I hope so.)
Everyone who saw him after that, was shocked at his appearance: he looked and SMELLED like a homeless person. It was gross. All because I took away his power to murder me. sad.
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
Athena,
This is just what they do (to answer your question about why he’s so hot and cold). In the short period of time I knew my exspath, he did the same thing. He was so SO into me. I thought I had won the lotto! Then with no warning, he discarded me, like I didn’t even exist. And when I went away after the discard, he acted like I was the one who broke up with him and tried a power play to get me back. The game was so crazy that no sane person could possibly decipher it. I never figured it out, and I don’t care to. It doesn’t matter to me because I would never take someone back who did that to me even once.
It sounds like you are still hovering over the denial stage, thinking it’s possible he may have loved you. They are just not capable of it, Athena. Yours is not different or special. He may have genuinely been into you. I believe mine was really “into” me with some sort of infatuation that seemed like soul love, or so I thought. I don’t think it was his intention ever to ruin me, hurt me, discard me, or betray me. He was just doing what spaths do and acting on their shallow feelings which are on one day and off the next. Would you confront a snake and say, “Why did you cuddle me yesterday, but you bit me and tried to strangle me today?” A snake just does what it does. And so does a spath. Trying to understand, punish, get even with, or get an apology out of a spath is like trying to get those things from a snake. In spath minds, which are wired differently, it’s normal to lie and discard people. They don’t understand the hurt they cause because they can’t feel that kind of emotional hurt. A few times when I was mad at my spath, I said I was going to call him and didn’t call. He could have cared less. In his mind, that was normal behavior, for people to lie and break promises.
When I finally walked away, there was a period of intense grief and longing. Every day I drove home from work, some song would come on the radio with some feeling in it, and I would cry and wail. After a few months of this, eventually his hold on me loosened.
As far as the longing and addiction, if you put your energy toward something else, then that’s energy that is not going toward him. Take up a hobby, any hobby and throw yourself into it. That way, the thoughts of him cannot consume you 24/7.
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Sky and Star
You’ve left me some really great nuggests.
“A snake does what it does. They don’t understand the hurt they cause because they can’t feel that kind of emotional hurt”.
Bingo. I think this is true. They think and move and act like a snake. So there are cycles and movements that make no sense to HUMANS.
Sky, you said “his personality at this time became more unstable…” YES! In the times that I have dumped my spath, this is exactly what happened to him as well – a near complete melt down, he started talking backwards, started strange behaviors. YES. This is right.
I’m saving this thread.
(Report abusive comment)
Louise says:
Star:
I loved your post. I could relate to it so much. Thanks.
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
You know, I can relate to what you guys are going through, but not over my exspath. The relationship with him had a distinct beginning, a drama (I mean a middle lol) and an end. I feel more addicted to the rollercoaster with my neighbor which I’ve been on for a year and a half. Every time I start to disconnect, he will reach out to me and act like he likes me, and I get sucked back in.
It’s not something that rents a huge amount of space in my head, but it is there.
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
Athena,
When you start getting the feeling you want to ‘win’ against the spath, go rent the movie “War of the Roses” and watch it to the end. That should cure you.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
athena,
It’s good that you admit yourself you still want to win him back. It’s not so good that you want to win him back, but it’s good you admit it to yourself, so you can do something about it.
I never had that feeling, because he discarded me and in the way he discarded me. The moment he did, I woke up. He did this in such a childish, high school crap manner, that it instantly made me feel such an adult and provoked me into retaking my self-esteem. It was ugly, but in such a petty way, that it was almost ridiculously laughable. The last person I would want to win back was this snotty, childish high school boy he turned out to be. I want a man, and he ain’t one. About a month ago his new victim changed her profile picture: them in front of the buckingham palace. And frankly he just looked like a big baby on it: pink t-shirt, baggies, large white headphones connected to an IPod in his baggie pockets. I just saw a giant baby on that picture who wants to flaunt his big white earphones. He looked so ridiculous to me, it almost made me giggle.
But I recognize where your head is at, because that’s how it was whenever I did kick him out for his grossest behaviour. Then I was thinking more in the line of: I shoudn’t tolerate this, this is bad. But somewhere I still hoped it would make him think, make him feel how he missed me, and alter his behaviour. When I kicked him out, I did it as an ultimatum, rather than freeing myself of him. But when he ditched me, it went much further than that, because of how he did it. With the mask off, I truly never wanted to be associated with who he was. I only wanted to get my dignity back.
The panic reaction points more to control rather than heartbreak. People have 3 mental zones: comfort zone, explorative zone, and panic zone. The comfort zone is when you feel the most in control over your environment and tasks. The explorative zone is exciting: contains environment and tasks you may be unfamiliar with, but you still have familiar elements. Panic zone is where people end up when they feel control has been ripped out of their hands. The panic stops when the person is brought back into an environment or told to do something that they are familiar with and feel back in control. Panic reactions are ALWAYS a sign of feeling loss of control.
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
DarwinsMom
Yeah. To your point, I feel like I am in panic zone when I leave him. I feel like I have a big hole in my gut and need his validation and attention.
It’s the cog/dis thing.
He pretended to be this great guy, and when I snooped, I found out that he wasn’t at all who he pretended to be. He even said that to me once. He said “you think I’m this nice, suave, polished guy, and I’m not!”. But he kept pretending to be and I wanted the fantasy.
I guess I just have to sit in the pain and get through it every day. Again and again.
Athena
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Athena “I wanted the fantasy” is the truth because that is all it is FANTASY, not real.
It is like you have found out that there is no santa Claus, no easter bunny, and no tooth fairy. It was lovely believing in them but they are NOT real….and neither is this “great romance” you had with the psychopath. It is all just a fantasy.
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
Athena,
There is a little trick you can do to heal that hole inside of you, but you have to really be willing to be with that feeling of emptiness, and not medicate yourself with food, drugs, or alcohol, etc. I know it’s a painful feeling – I’ve gone through it many times, and the pain was so bad I wanted to die.
The part of you that needs validation is probably very young. You can actually open up a dialogue with that “inner child” who needs the validation. You would actually have a conversation out loud. Ask her what she wants and needs and tell her you are there for her to give her whatever she needs. Tell her she is safe. Then listen and let her express herself. She may need to cry or get angry. Or ask for something. Then (this part is VERY important), you can give her the validation she needs. Tell her she is smart, beautiful, and valuable, and that you are going to be there to take care of her. GIVE her the validation she needs. She may want to go out for an ice cream or just be held. You can do these things for her.
Believe me when I say that this method really does work, and it takes back your power to meet your needs OUT of the hands of other people, including the spath. Once you start doing this and feel it working, you will feel stronger and like you can meet your own needs.
I do this on a regular basis lately, because I’ve been in a lot of pain myself. I actually have this conversation with my inner 2 y.o. I do it while soaking in the bathtub usually. Try it, athena. It really works.
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Star I found the story about the poison snakes the guy had on an ONLINE newspaper and here is the link
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/new.....-home.html
Just in case you hadn’t found it. I have to laugh, I get more American news from the LONDON paper than from the US sources. LOL The shooting at MiLo’s school was in the London paper within a matter of a few hours. LOL amazes me really.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Star and Athena,
That’s a great trick, Star. In fact that is what my hypnotherapist asked me to do under hypnosis.
You might consider hypnotherapy, Athena. I went in for my “addiction” to my parents’ love. I do believe it has helped me. The hole is still there, but not as painful.
Since then, I’ve read a lot about the right brain and I think that’s where the innerchild resides. It’s just an earlier version of yourself and the emotional experiences you had which shaped your perceptions.
All those early fears made you decide certain things about how you were going to get your needs met. But the problem is that you were too young to know all the options out there. The decisions were made from a limited repertoire and a naive perspective. Unfortunately, once we begin using certain crutches we tend to stay in that pattern.
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
Thanks for the link, Oxy.
I don’t know if I’m more upset about the yahoo who is keeping all these hots (venomous) snakes in plastic containers or about the media that calls venomous snakes “poisonous” and doesn’t know a bearded dragon from a venomous animal. (The lizard pictured is a common housepet in the US – a bearded dragon. They are about as harmful as a bowl of fruit). Guys like this yahoo give responsible reptile owners a bad name. But I don’t always trust media stories because they often call a ball python a boa constrictor or a burmese python an anaconda. I really wish the people who write these articles would do a little research before writing the wrong information.
BTW, the correct term is “venomous” (also a misnomer of the media). “Poisonous” refers to an animal that carries toxin on their skin. If you touch or eat a poisonous animal, you will get sick or die. A venomous animal is one who injects venom through a bite or sting. I am unaware of any “poisonous” snakes. I wish the media could get this straight.
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Stargazer
Oh my, I love your suggestion – give her the validation that she needs.
I am writing this down on a little piece of paper to carry with me.
So when I am feeling pained, and tempted to go peek on my spath, which only ends up hurting me anyway, I can do this instead.
Sounds silly, but it feels to me like a good mental exercise to go do.
Love!
Athena
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Oxy,
I know, I know that there isn’t a Santa Claus or a Tooth Fairy, but wow, he acted the part, and he looked the part.
Of course, there were those OTHER periods where he said,
a) “you think I’m this suave guy, and I’m not!” or
b) “I’m evil”
c) “somebody’s gotta die!”
I told him he was a spath very early on – of course, I didn’t even really understood the depth of what I was saying, because I would also say stuff like, “Spath, have a conscience!” – LOL, as if it was that easy and he’d just pick up a conscience at the grocery store on the way home?? What was I thinking??
Anyway, it *IS* hard to work through the difference between what I thought was there, what I hoped was there, what appeared to be there, and, then, what was actually there.
I am trying.
Athena
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Athena, As long as you stay NC you will make progress each day, baby steps maybe, but if you break NC you go back to “square one” so stay NC whatever it takes to do it!@ (((hugs))))
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Ox, yeah, So this lesson for me is this:
NO CONTACT in person is good, but even more important is NO CONTACT IN MY HEAD.
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
Athena,
I doesn’t matter what he said to you. They all talk a good game. What matters is how he has treated you. Is this how you want to suffer for the rest of your life?
The inner child work is the crux of therapy, and you can save yourself years of therapy if you can learn to do this work yourself. Not that a good therapist cannot be helpful for some.
The other part to healing is to improve your self-esteem by taking on things you enjoy and having accomplishments. You may need to clear some of the pain out before you take on anything else. But once there is a clearing (the inner child work will help), you can add hobbies, jobs, people, or anything healthy and constructive into your life as a distraction. This will help you move on more quickly – to have your own life.
(Report abusive comment)
Vidya says:
That was weird, my username did not exist and I had to create another account. Has this happened to anyone else? Was it because I put an excerpt from a book here and linked a couple of websites?
(Report abusive comment)
callmeathena says:
Vidya, it might be because the site had technical difficulties recently.
(Report abusive comment)