*huggles* ^_^ That...
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it!
PDF Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
Ox Drover says:
Dear Darwin’s mom,
I think this new manager is out to “get you” and that happens….I’ve been there and done that when a new “boss” comes in and they have to show their power by coming down on some staff member hard.
If I remember correctly, you are a volunteer for this group anyway, it is not a paid position….and I am going to assume that there are other groups just like this in your country, and also ones that pay tour leaders.
One way you might get this done is to RESIGN before they fire you. Tell lthem that you just don’t feel well enough right now to do tour leads or even teaching leaders so that you just think you will resign and that you appreciate all the things they have done for you (don’t mention what you have done for them) LOL THANK them profusely and tell them that if in the future you decide to do any tours you will contact them.
I think when you know in your gut you are about to be fired or persecuted by a manipulative nasty new boss it is best to resign before that happens. At least you will not have a “fired” on your resume.
And in the future you can say if you apply to another company that the reason you left company A was that the new boss and you were not compatible.
Good luck!
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darwinsmom says:
As a social organisation for people my age, passionate about traveling… no, there is no such other organisation. It is unique in that way. I have many friends in there (other volunteers) that I often only meet through these weekends.
There are other tour operators yes to tourlead for and get paid for it. And I have no qualms to tour for them.
I would just HATE to lose the contact I have with the hundred volunteers I know there. I’m not even sure she can actually “resign” me, and if she did, it wouldn’t ever be on my resume. I think she does intend to put me on hold, make it practically impossible for me to tourlead for them. But whether she can actually bar me from getting training myself… not sure
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darwinsmom says:
Oxy, I sent the co-worker (who now avoids eye contact with me) an email…
Dear ***,
The balance moment did me very much good at the very least: with the feedback I received about my share during the Peru trip, how certain actions can indeed have their effect, the experiences of others, the sharing of my tips and the tips of others in relation to ‘attention for every tourist’. It was a beautiful day.
I have a Math II exam (space math) for my new studies in Physics on 30th of January and so will be studying day in and day out the coming two weeks. So, I cannot appear for a second meeting at the office with you and **** (manager) about my dossier in that time.
My report on Peru and other documents are nearly finished, but will have to wait until after the 30th to complete it. I use the mailed deadline for myself to complete that chapter and leeave it behind me, but not to tourlead a trip this year. I will combine my second semester with interim teaching and will spread my exams in 1st and 2nd chance. Aside from that I’ll be moving and decorating my own appartment coming summer. Painting, decorating, retiling a bathroom and studying has to be done.
Aside from that I have promised myself not to tourlead anymore unless I’m 100% self-assured, like I felt in Costa Rica and the plenty of Mexico trips (with the hurricane trip on top of the list). I do not want to put either myself or others in a siutation where I’m not strong enough to deal with a 2nd leader. I want to be confident and rested enough that I can give everyone attention, int he quantity I know was necessary in previous trips.
I know I need time to heal from the emotional and psychological abuse I experienced by my ex-partner, as well as the snowball effects that followed from this on my job and the Peru trip. I may be over the traumas and have clarity of mind on last year, am happy again, but a lot of self-work and rebuilding is in order. The confidence will not be 100% again without enough social experiences, and I do not believe this will be done by the coming summer. Not to mention that I know I am triggered by people with alike manipulative behaviour and who enjoy power for power alone. Nothing can prevent of having such a tourist along, and I must be sure that I can handle them correctly without being triggered. I am not even sure whether that is possible. Only time will tell.
I recognize that it would have been better had I not tourled Peru last summer. But both myself and my therapist had judged myself more self-secure, nor had I any idea that my ex-relationship would have such a general impact on my functioning. Sadly enough, that was a mistaken judgement.
I do have the feeling that you have already made a decision before the balance, *** (her name), even though I have no idea how far this decision goes. Maybe I’m experiencing it wrong, but your previous mail reply was very businesslike and you appeared to avoid contact (including eye contact) last Saturday. Just call it a gut feeling.
I would like to thank the organisation via you for all the beautiful moments and experiences I’ve had the past ten years, as well as the opportunity to give back to the organisation I love so much out of passion and love. I hope that maybe in the far future this can happen again.
With much love,
Darwinsmom”
Mind you… I sent it to the person I’m sure of that she has a heart.
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Ox Drover says:
Darwin’s mom,
The e mail is sent and I hope that she receives it in the way that you intended it be received. That’s the problem with some people who are prejudiced against us by the person who is high in P traits. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.
At this point I think you do need to focus on yourself, your education, your new apartment etc. and that is a good decision to do so.
Also, you know I have left jobs that I loved for one reason or another and felt that it was a big loss, but in the end it turned out to be a godsend that another door opened up to a much better situation/job/life experience so this may be that for you as well! Not all things that appear a challenge/bad thing turn out in the end to be “bad” but just the precursor of something BETTER! (((hugs)))
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darwinsmom says:
The person I sent this mail is not the manager high in spath traits. I would never send such a thing to her, NEVER. I sent it to her co-worker, who is avoiding me in personal contact… It’s the P manager who smiles fake to everyone.
The woman I sent it too is someone I know for 9 years, very warm, emotional and supportive. I think her behaviour of avoidance stems from guilt. She knows the manager made a decision, and the empathic co-worker is distancing herself to be able to go through with it.
I’m actually quite sure she will not fully disclose my email to the manager, just what my decision is. But I need her to know that I’m taking a responsible decision and I wanted to put in practice what I should have done with the tourist in Peru (and my principal of last year): reveal what I noticed in their behaviour and how it makes me feel. She will know that comes from strength, not weakness.
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Ox Drover says:
Darwin’s mom,
Well I hope she does, but you know, I have a thing about NOT TRUSTING those who “distance” themselves from me. Skylar calls them “fence sitters” and I agree with her about them. They don’t have the courage to stand up for what they know is right, but instead, they distance themselves from us when they see the vultures closing in. Maybe I’m cynical but that’s just my take on it. I knew you were sending it to your “friend” who was distancing herself from you and not the other one you were talking about…but it doesn’t matter now in any case. I hope you are right and I am wrong and she does not share it with the manager that you think is high in P-traits. I just know I have no confidence in those that “distance” themselves from me. I hope I am wrong in your case with this “former friend.”
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darwinsmom says:
I agree that she’s a fence sitter. She knows what the other wants to do, and wants to get emotionally detached when it occurs, so that she can do and agree with what the other plans, even though deep down it’s wrong. I just did not want to let her off the hook as easily: I wanted her to know that I noticed. I don’t think it’s gonna change things in the short term. But at least I feel for myself that I stood up for myself.
I intend to do this second meeting after the 30th, when I have all the papers and reports done. In the meantime, I’ll be considering and contemplating whether I’ll take a witness with me along or not.
Yup, I do think the manager is high in P traits…. she’s resentful, is double faced, has lied to me twice (came back on a promise twice), demotivating instead of motivating, she makes up these new regulations on who can do what in the organisation which helped her to get rid of competent people of the previous heart periods and create a new inner circle of volunteers who don’t know any better, using past customer reviews even from before the time she was there (while those were long debriefed and ok’d and balanced out), squeezing the heart out of the organisation, without empathy… but she never ever has followed the training herself, NOR has she ever tourled herself. I can notice that the other office workers seem less joyful and open-hearted in general to everyone.
When I still used to select new candidates I used to perform after-parties. Those assessment weekends with situation games were heavy and taxing, with us often discussing and preparing interviews for the next day of the candidates until 11 or 12 pm. So, on Saturday there usually was a party for the candidates as well as the selectors to blow off some steam. But the end time was 1 am. If you finished by midnight and only had an hour of slow dancing and salsa music, instead of disco, funk and some rock there was little or no steam blowing. So, once the candidates were off to bed, we asked and got ok’d to perform an after party in one of the assessment rooms far off with a disc player for the assessors alone. I put on some of the music, we bought boxes of beers. Usually, by 2am or 2.30 am people would go to bed. And it would have had fulfilled its purpose. The beers that were not opened, were taken back and the money for them repaid. Now, this was prior management. Of course, people started to rely on me to get it organised. She was hired and she didn’t like it. She didn’t forbid it, but twice she came back on her promise to repay the beer (and I had funded it) that wasn’t used, conveniently ALWAYS after I had already returned them, telling me those funds went straight into the organisational funds. Everybody else on those after parties was luckily so kind to pay their share to me of the non-refunded beers. Of course there are NO after parties anymore, and they are forbidden now. Stupid, because they hurt nobody.
There’s also this rule now that on weekends only one person of the office will be present at the weekends. However, they are the face of the organisation. The first training weekend was one where you would arrive as a new candidate and the WHOLE office would know your name. It was important to make personal contact. On the first weekend in November, there was only 1 person of the office and she didn’t know everyone’s name. Explanation: money saving.
The 3-monthly magazine has been reduced to the bare minimum. There used to be a yearly book of pictures with address, picture and email. This year no picture book anymore: only online. We’d get a paper at the start of the weekend with a program of what happens when, timing etc, including names of who does which training, given by whom. We don’t get those anymore either. Just one big paper hanging from a wall. Of course, these are all “rational” decisions to cut expenses.
Duplicity: people are told there are enough trainers and selectors when you volunteer, but then afterwards you learn they were in a panic because they didn’t have enough people, and them frantically calling people who are out of the loop of it all and who didn’t volunteer for that time. Like that replacement of my colleague board member for that religion course. The replacement had no idea of course why it was not given by the author of the course, and innocently called him up to ask him whether they couldn’t give it together.
There are ugly things going on. But I also know it won’t last forever. One of the previous managers was a bit of an octopus. She’d feel and get the emotional part of you, but was short sighted when it came to solving things… she had no trust in people if they didn’t function exactly the same as she did. Typical for an intuitive learner, who hates theory, but just knows by intuition to do the right thing. I had one conflict with her once, which prompted me to start applicate for other firms (which is why I know I’ll be hired after a first meeting with my resume in no time if I want to at another firm). I had a meeting with her for which I had prepared myself strategically, and got out of it what I wanted: convinced her to ok me training people, and when I did train, I always got raving reviews. Anyway, 2 months after that meeting she had applicated for another job and wasn’t even at the office anymore. She’s not even training anymore. She’s a fellow tourleader.
That is why I’m reluctant to blow up bridges for good. I know this one will move on eventually. She’s head manager for 4 years now. I’ve heard the board member who volunteered to be a witness mention something how it seemed that degrees in this and that for show have come to matter as a political jump platform. He too told me he expected me to be put on hold, and advized me to just bide my time, come to weekends, get training for the fun of it, etc..
She has hammered now and put stuff in place to reduce costs… and I think she did this to get an excellent budget report for her resume. I expect her to move on by next year.
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skylar says:
darwinsmom,
Your email doesn’t have anything that can be used against you, as far as I can tell.
You did what you had to do to get closure and time will reveal the truth about your friend. it usually does.
I have to agree with Oxy, be alert. I’ve been stunned by what I learned when the people I thought were caring turned out to be spaths.
We have a tendency to attribute our own traits to others. This is a mistake, not everyone is like us. Spath traits are on a spectrum so some have it more than others.
All empty people will mirror us so it is difficult to pin down the less spathy ones. They seem soooo nice. Just like us. All we can do is watch for red flags.
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
Hind-sight is an electrifying thing. Truly.
I can see all the ‘red flags’ NOW but at the time…
Oh my goodness: there should be a Golden Globe for
that performance. In all my years, never seen a better one.
I am becoming so very grounded now in the truth.
I am cementing in the acceptance.
Nite everyone…
Dupey
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skylar says:
Yep Dupey, the performance is something else. I recorded several of my spath’s performances. It helps re-assure me that it actually happened when I begin to doubt myself. because… who does that?
Nite.
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darwinsmom says:
Sky… What do you think: bring a witness to the meeting? Ask them whether I can record it? I will surely will at the very least take paper and notes along to actively make notations for my own memory.
Now that I think of it, because I wrote it above… it is VERY spathy imo… she makes all these rules about people training and selecting if they had an outstaning review on their last two trips. She conveniently ignores 10 raving reviews and nitpicks on the 2 little bit lesser ones. Claiming that if you haven’t tourled without any issues you are incapable of training and selecting. BUT she herself ALONE has never tourled or even followed the training. (Heck even the people who work for the profit touroperator and file the bookings and do not tourlead are obliged to follow the training by us). In other words, I and others have no permittance to coach and select, but she has the right to bar people without ANY tourleading and training experience at all. So the rules she applies onto others are not applicable to her. Only spaths get away with that imo, and can actually make it up.
This weekend though helped me to be sure again that I am a good tourleader (if I’m fully functional). The coaches themselves pointed out to the other trainees how I had explained perfectly how to deal with certain issues, how I had given golden tips, and how they were inspired by a tip of mine to try it themselves, never even having thought of it themselves. And they tourlead for about 20 years or more.
The spathy manager tried to pinpoint on some imagined issue I may have had in every trip (based on those 2 somewhat lesser issues) in the first meeting that I needed to work on and find a solution for in the balance moment. She has been trying to sow the seed that I’ve been always basically incompetent, that I do not have the potential in that first meeting. She’ll try to further that line of thought again. But the shoe doesn’t fit. And I was reminded it doesn’t fit because of the balance yesterday.
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skylar says:
Darwin’s mom,
a recording would be very helpful.
If you do get to do that, make sure you speak the date and time at the beginning. Mention the place and purpose of the meeting and ask the participants to state their names for the record.
I expect that you will get some resistance, be gracious and let them know how helpful the notes will be toward improving your performance.
Remember, you goal is to come out looking good because that way you will be hired at other tour groups if you decide to apply. Nobody likes a whistle blower.
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ElizabethBennett says:
I’m being slandered to the neighbors now. This N pisses me off and I was doing the whole gray rock thing and now I am going to flat out not even respond to hello anymore. I don’t ever want to talk to this thing again. She saw me hanging with the other neighbor and walking her dogs together and knew that we had a drink last week. She called the neighbor and tried to make me look crazy to her. She isn’t buying into it, but it still makes me mad as all hell. It’s proof that chronological age and maturity have nothing to do with each other. I feel like I suddenly woke up back in high school. Can you GET anymore immature. This is ridiculous. It’s not like I have an easy time making friends anyway since I’m shy and don’t have a lot of confidence. I guess she wants me to be as pathetically alone as she is. I’m so angry right now. It sure didn’t take long for her to start this crap.
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
Losing is Sometimes Better Than Winning ~
http://wakingyouup.wordpress.c.....n-winning/
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NoContactRules says:
I read this today from a site I get daily messages from called GreatDay.com
I wake to read his messages each day and they are always wonderful and help keep my head where it needs to be. I thought everyone here would appreciate the words.
Bring the best to life
+++++++++++++++++++
Be at peace with what has been. That enables you to focus all
of your attention and energy into making the best of what
can be.
Let go of the need to prove you’re right. Instead,
concentrate your thoughts and efforts on being your best.
Get beyond your worries about what may or may not happen, or
what other people might think of you. Invest yourself in the
real and present actions you can take to make a positive
difference.
Your life is too important to waste even a moment or two on
things you can’t do anything about. There is so very much
you can do instead, and so very many things you can
positively influence.
Put all your efforts into what will bear fruit. Give your
time and attention to the things that have meaning and value
for you.
Feel love instead of fear, joy in the place of worry, and
focus on your possibilities instead of resentments.
Visualize life at its best, and bring the best to life.
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strongawoman says:
Nice one Dupey. Especially found the part about why they continue to stalk you very interesting. My ex is being a nuisance again and I feel it’s because he wants to be in that damn driving seat. He wants to say when it’s over. He was always so proud that no woman had ever dumped him, allegedly!
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
oh yes strongawoman, I know exactly what you are talking about. They all want to be in that drivers seat.
you know why they don’t like NC? Because they have no control and no power when we do that. It takes all that right away from them when you just suddenly stop participating.
sometimes, though, they get mean, cruel and violent…
so a person has to be careful what they do and what they say until they are completely gone and away from this ‘entity’.
They don’t like losing control and especially to a woman…
stay strong, strongawoman…
I think my troll has climbed back under his bridge again…for a moment, anyways — shhh: i want to be very careful not to awake him….i need to get across the bridge first and be long gone before he awakens and smells my bones….
((hugs my friend))
Dupey
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
Thanks No Contact Rules for that amazing post!
How nice to awake with the voice of reason…
Peace and joy to you this day.
Dupey
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Stargazer says:
NoContactRules, thanks for the words of wisdom. I have cut and pasted this into a word document and will print it up and put it in my house and my office.
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New Beginning says:
No Contact Rules,
Thank you so much for sharing. An aquintance of mine who hosts spiritual / consciousness gatherings recently contacted me with a message from “Bob” who is her guide/contact as I have not been attending any gatherings lately. The message though worded differently was the same. I was also told that if I learn to get through this difficult time by literally living “in” the moment that amazing things were ahead for this year. Exactly what Oxy has experienced……one door closes, another opens and it’s often better than what was left behind.
Certainly words for us to live by especially when freeing ourselves from toxic personalities.
Peace
~New
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strongawoman says:
Yes I’m trying to be careful. He can be aggressive, nasty and unpredictable but controlled. Scary.
Im sorry to say that I’ve broken NC after 3 months. He has txt my daughter and even tried ringing her! He rang off …..think he was just checking it was still correct number. He has also tried to get a mutual friend to ask me to the pictures?? Because I’ve changed my number and I’ve ignored him.
What is wrong with him?
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New Beginning says:
Strongawoman,
The million dollar question! I cannot speak for others however my ex wants whatever it is he doesn’t have. Period. It doesn’t matter if I am talking about Christmas gifts in past years or meals at a restaurant. Whatever he doesn’t have, he wants. Sad way to live, never being happy with just what “is”.
How old is your daughter? That makes the situation so much more difficult and he knows it.
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strongawoman says:
Well she’s an adult. She’s 22. But not his daughter. I just couldnt believe it when he tried to contact her!!!
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New Beginning says:
Strongawoman, so glad she isn’t his daughter! Well, he’ll try every route he can to get to you.
My ex uses covert methods to try to stay current on what I’m doing. Everything the man does is covert. If it looks acceptable, it’s only a cover.
Good for your daughter not to be responsive to him.
~New
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strongawoman says:
Thanks for replying New,
Yes she’s a savvy young woman. She has the measure of him.
I now have to rebuild my defences!
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Ox Drover says:
Darwin’s mom,
I would get a TINY digital recorder— the mics are great and you can keep it in your pocket secretly….if you ask her if you can record it, she will object I think….I would like Sky said, record the date, time, location and purpose of the meeting just before I entered the door, and who was present…then leave the recorder running as you enter the office, but IN YOUR POCKET….then if she says something off guard you will be able to refute it. By leaving the recorder running you show that you didn’t delete anything.
I am like you, I don’t trust this woman either…and I think if you tell her you are recording it she will monitor her words etc. This way she will feel free to speak what is on her mind (good or bad) and if she says something really nasty and you have it on tape, you have HER NAILED TO THE POST!
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New Beginning says:
Strongawoman,
I can relate to that. It takes time for the bond to the person to be broken and there are many phases one passes through to get there.
Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be strong, and be well.
~New
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New Beginning says:
Darwin’s Mom, I’m not sure where you are located however I know in some states it is illegal to secretly record anyone. Well, unless you are law enforcement or the federal governement, lol.
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strongawoman says:
Thank you dear New for those kind, warm words
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Ox Drover says:
She is not in this country.
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New Beginning says:
You are most welcome, Strongawoman.
I beat myself up for a long time, eventually learning what I needed to do was stop and allow myself to heal. Otherwise I was in an endless loop of misery. The analogy of a broken leg worked well for me. I knew if I didn’t allow it to heal, I wasn’t going anywhere. At this point the cast is off, still hobbling around on crutches but I plan to be off and running again soon!
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darwinsmom says:
The meeting will be done with the co-worker…. They’re 2 people, and me. She won’t say anything nasty, because it’ll be important to keep her mask on in front of the co-worker.
It’s because they’ll be 2 people that the board member offered to be a witness.
I understand the possible reason for doing it covertly, but I know I’ll feel bad about it. It’s not just as much that I want to “backspath” her, but rather that I want to create an environment where I feel empowered and more in control to pause about my responses, and that she has to think harder on what she says about the shoe she wants me to wear that doesn’t fit. I do have the id she’ll want to make me admit that Costa Rica implies I’m unable to convince people.
In the first meeting I kinda went along with her pointing out that I was unable to convince those 2 who had kinda gave me lesser grades on 2 points only. She ignored the maxes of the other 9. I’ve been thinking very hard how come I thought it was actually a great trip in Costa Rica… because I had even a more difficult customer who I knew would try to convince people not to go to a certain reserve and stay on the beach instead. For a day or so, our 2 resting days on the beach were a stressful “will we go or not” by several “not sure yet” types. The group would have been split in two. But I knew what he was trying to do, even before he knew he was gonna do it. So, I managed to convince these people to go to this special reserve. In other words, I actively convinced 8 people to go to a unique, once in a lifetime spot (even though you need a tractor to get up the mountain). The couple and the manipulator as a threesome meanwhile stayed at the beach for several days more and then rejoined us 3-4 days later. The next day we were dumped in a dumpster hostel because of a double booking. I already feared the worst once I learned this contact person had arranged “a solution” for us. I knew that especially those 3 would have great difficulties with the hostel, and I didn’t feel like staying there if I could find an alternative. So, with one helpful tourist I went searching for an alternative, but I did not say this to the group yet, not sure whether I was gonna find one, and not wanting to give up the beds we did have. The manipulator tried to rile up the rest of the group against me over it, while I was looking. But the other 7 told him that I most probably was looking and would find an alternative for them. And I did, and I returned with great news. After that, the manipulator who hadn’t want to come along on the excursion the next morning, changed his mind, made a click, came along… behaved and joined in the fun the rest of the days. He even personally told me that he had finally understood what it was all about. He admitted that it wasn’t really his thing, but that he should make the best of it and let others enjoy it too. So, I managed to convince 9 people, including the true trouble maker. I did not manage to convince the girl of the couple, but she had had Infectious mononucleosis until shortly before leaving on the trip, and she had joined in on every morning and evening excursion and day-activity the first week. She was knackered. She was truly fatigued, and just couldn’t anymore. I can understand she was inconvincable. Her bf actually had no issue with me nor the trip. He had wanted to go to that special reserve and come on every excursion. But he was gonna marry her that same year, and eventually opted to support her. Even the last evening he mentioned he kinda felt sorry. I think it’s only proper for the bf to have supported her, even if it cost me a few grades.
So, if she mentions that trip, I intend to turn the tables on her… point out the raving grades of the others and how I (and only me) managed to convince 9 people of the product as well as a my tourleading, while without my anticipation, my enthusiasm, my natural feel for timing when to do what with physically healthy people, and my organisational skills the group would have been split in half half through the trip. If I managed not to convince the girl, it was out of respect for her fatigue and out of respect for her relationship with her bf.
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skylar says:
Darwinsmom,
yes I agree that in this situation a hidden tape recorder will not help you. It must be out in full view for it to do its job.
Because your goal is to come out looking trustworthy, not spathy (even though she is a spath), if you pull out a hidden taped recording to prove your point, you will actually be proving the opposite. But a tape out in full view will force her to “act civilized”.
Your challenge is to find the right words so that she agrees to allow the tape.
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Ox Drover says:
Darwin’s mom,
You know as a “tour leader” I do NOT see how you could get ALL of any group to say your tour leading was “superior.” There seems to always be some creep in a group that there is NO WAY you are going to make this creep happy and he will give you a bad evaluation. It is just like customers or clients, not all of them are going to be pleased with your services. The tour company cannot expect the IMPOSSIBLE…you can keep most of the people happy most of the time, but not all of the people all of the time. They have to be reasonable I would think.
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aussiegirl says:
Star -
RE: Blanche (my pet hen) : (
Thank you for your kind thoughts. xx
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Ox Drover says:
Hi, Aussie girl, glad to see you! Hope all is well and you are doing great! Without any problems from the bad man.
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aussiegirl says:
Hi Oxy -
Just here briefly – got sooooooooooo much cleaning up to do after the trial, still have piles of paper all over my dining room floor from the past 2 years spent being my own lawyer! Today is the day! I recently reclaimed my lounge room, now it’s time to get the rest of my house back to normal.
I am fine thank you for asking. The Fibro has been pretty awful since the trial finished – I have had all of the horrible symptoms that I had when it first put me off work and they have been just as severe as they were back then – but at least I know what it is now and how to manage it, so I’m doing way better with the pain and fatigue and I am not panicking about what the various other silly symptoms might be as I know it’s only this dumb disease. But overall, I am doing really well. Been going cycling 3 times a week to try to nail the Fibro – it hurts like all hell but I’m not giving in to it. I did 10km+ yesterday; not bad for someone who couldn’t cycle to the end of her own street 6 months back.
So far, all has been quiet on the Western front but we did have a scare Wednesday night. I heard a noise outside, thought it was the cat, went to check then heard more noise near the cars which were parked on the verge outside. Without thinking I wandered out there (my friend was asleep in bed, didn’t like to wake him because he doesn’t sleep well and I knew he had work early the next day) and shone my torch around. Couldn’t see anything so started back to the house but as I passed one of the cars I saw a man hiding under it. Pretended I had not seen him, kept walking, calling the cats, telling the dogs to be quiet, got inside, called the police then woke my friend.
We were both convinced that it might be someone sent by the Superspath – possibly my former stepson – and I didn’t want the person escaping before the cops arrived, so like a pair of idiots we went back out to catch the guy. I had the torch and a can of bug spray (for the mosquitoes, of course…), he had both hands on a piece of heavyish work equipment (that he was just putting away in his car, of course….) and the guy tried to run for it, fell and tripped onto the roadway on the hem of his baggy trousers then begged us not to hurt him. While he wasn’t looking I had grabbed his car keys, which had spilled onto the road when he fell and I hid them in my garden until the cops arrived. He fed us some sob story that didn’t make much sense but we pretended to go along with it, getting him a can of fuel for his car which he claimed had broken down and spending about 20 minutes “looking” by torchlight for his lost keys; as the police car turned into my street I miraculously “found” the keys and handed them to the bad guy.
During the police questioning it came out that he was driving without a licence for the third time, he gave a false name and false address and he had tried to break into at least 3 vehicles when he had told us it had only been mine. He was also wanted on several other charges so he went away in a police van. The police very kindly told him that we had not wanted to press any charges but had been going to give him the fuel and send him on his way – hopefully this will avoid any repercussions at this end. Turns out it was unrelated to Superspath or his schemes, but I just couldn’t face the thought of more time in court and told the police I would give a written statement if they needed me to but that I really didn’t want to have to go to court AGAIN to give evidence. Luckily the guy confessed so it looks like I won’t have to.
It never rains, hey? I live in the quietest street in town and yet of all the houses on this big, long road, they target ME…..sheeesh!
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skylar says:
Aussie,
wow! that must’ve been traumatic. I’m glad you weren’t by yourself.
Smart thinking, grabbing his keys and pretending to look for them. I love it!
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KatyDid says:
Darwinsmom (and others in a confrontational situation)
I am agreeing to secretly record EVERY conversation where the other person has power over you.
It’s NOT for proof. It’s for INformation for YOUR use.
My reasoning is this: I know me. I know that I am NOT good in a confrontation. It’s my nature to try to reason with others, to tell them what is going on with me so they understand that I am not their enemy. But sometimes OTHERS are YOUR enemy and it has NOTHING to do with you. They are inappropriate b/c they’ve been triggered. And they use their power to punish the one that they can, not the one who harmed them.
The recording is for YOU to listen to, to gain insight on what is actually being said, and what you might rehearse in case of future or continued confrontations.
This advice is obviously for socially awkward people like me, who had no way to develope social skills so angry dominating abusers tend to have a hayday with me, I protest but in the moment I am lost for the right thing to say. A recording helps me to understand what’s going on with the other person, and I teach myself how to appropriately respond. But it might ALSO be useful for very intel social aware person who knows she’s going to be isolated with an abuser. ALthough you can’t use it in court, nobody says you have to lay yourself out for the abuser to do whatever they desire. It’s a tool for your use to defend yourself, nothing more or less.
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aussiegirl says:
Sky –
You know, it was pretty stupid of me in the first place to go outside alone at 10pm at night, particularly given the fact that I am currently on “spath alert” due to recent events; but my town is relatively crime-free and as I said, my street is normally so quiet, being right on the edge of a quiet country town. Besides, I have security lights and cameras everywhere now and that has completely altered how I feel about things – the “seige mentality” that initially hit me again after the trial and Blanche’s death has dissipated over the past few weeks.
I guess the upside is that I clearly am not “living in terror” – but I hardly showed “caution”, either, so it’s been a lesson all round.
When the torchlight caught the guy under my car, my heart very nearly stopped and I felt nauseous – I truly thought that it was my former stepson (now 17, very big, very strong, very cruel, very aggressive and has recently told his own mother that he has access to a gun and that he might kill her with it…); it was only adrenaline (not bravery) that got me back to my front door with no outward signs of panic to tip the guy off that I had seen him.
Once on the telephone to police, I was hyperventilating and my legs wouldn’t work properly; my mouth was dry, the room was spinning, etc, etc.
Oddly enough, once he stood back up after tripping and I could see it wasn’t who I expected it to be, I became very calm and in control; all of the PTSD symptoms just reversed themselves.
The silly thing is, the situation could have been equally dangerous with this guy, but I was nowhere NEAR as scared as if it had been Superspath’s kid.
I even blasted the guy, telling him that I didn’t care that he had no money for fuel, that I didn’t either and that I had been off work sick and on social security for over a year and that the bank had almost taken my house so HOW DARE HE come and take MY fuel when I was probably more broke than HIM! I also yelled at him for scaring me, telling him that he had no idea WHAT I had been through these past few years or WHO I had thought he was and WHAT I had thought he had been there for…..kinda funny when I look back on it now…..he must have apologised 100 times for frightening me; he was still apologising as the cops locked him in the van.
In a way, I think he copped the pent up venom of everything I would love to yell at Superspath but know is pointless (LOL)
As for the key-grabbing – not sure what came over me; maybe too much TV-watching!! (LOL)
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Aussie Girl,
Have you tried a drug called Lyrica? It might be the ticket for your pain. Sometimes it is like a “miracle” drug for Fibro pain. Check with your doctor and maybe it might help. I have friends with Fibro that have tried it very successfully.
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aussiegirl says:
Oxy -
Opinions here in Oz about Lyrica vary. Several people in my Fibro support group have tried it and have all had dreadful reactions to it. I opted not to try it because I knew that it could go one way or the other and I simply would not have coped with a bad reaction to it at the time I was diagnosed and was also up to my eyeballs in spathiness.
Some bad reactions include psychotic hallucinations (waking and sleeping) that are vivid, graphic, awful and difficult to erase from memory. I didn’t want to risk it. I have also read that many people swear that it’s the drug that stopped them from suiciding from the pain etc. of Fibro……different strokes I guess.
For me, the osteo-arthritic painkillers (6 a day) take the edge off the pain and I find that even when I don’t think I can move at all of a morning, if I FORCE myself to do it, once moving, I am mostly okay. If I stop to rest a while, I seize back up and then it’s back to the beginning but if I can keep going (at a sensible pace) then although I am tired and sore at day’s end, it’s not usually any worse than it would have been had I stayed in bed or sat in a chair all day (plus I feel more useful!)
I’m cycling to improve my overall fitness and to overcome depression by pumping those endorphins into me! I don’t take meds for the anxiety/depression, preferring to work it out of me in other ways. Not everyone with PTSD or anxiety or depression can travel this road but I find that I am able to manage.
Once the spath is dead (or in jail) and I can relax a little more, I would be willing to give Lyrica a go if my pain is still yukky. Who knows? I might be one of those for whom it IS the miracle drug. I just couldn’t afford to risk the possible side-effects while everything else in my life was so topsy-turvey
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Stargazer says:
Aussiegirl, if you find something that works for the fibro, please let us know. I have a young friend who is only 17 who has it and is suicidal over the pain. I wish I could offer him any advice. I will mention the Lyrica. I’m sorry you are suffering so much. Fibromyalgia is actually labeled as a “syndrome” and not a disease because doctors don’t really know what it is or what causes it. A “syndrome” is simply a collection of symptoms.
I went to a workshop years ago to learn a massage technique called “Muscle Release Technique”. It is supposed to be very effective for fibromyalgia patients. The inventor is Michael Young from Evergreen, CO. He might have a website. I have had the opportunity to use some of the techniques with fibromyalgia patients with very good results. But in my experience as a cmt, any kind of massage helps the condition. Have you tried massage?
Another technique I learned at another massage workshop for fibromyalgia involves standing in an ice cold shower for a full minute and a half to two minutes. The reason for this is that with fibromyalgia, the body is constantly in fight or flight response, so there is a constant pouring of the stress hormone, cortisol, into the bloodstream and keeping the person in a state of stress. Shocking the body with ice cold water temporarily resolves the flight-or-fight reaction. It gives it something to react against, so it peaks and then resolves itself. This is how I learned it.
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Ox Drover says:
Star, Ice massages are also helpful for muscle pain….painful at the time but work really well in the end.
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Stargazer says:
Oxy, extreme temperatures tend to block neurotransmitters for pain. The way I learned it is that the neurotransmitters for temperature work faster than those for pain, so it temporarily blocks out the pain. That is why massage therapist always recommend hot tubs or ice. But the cold shower has a different m.o. It has something to do with resetting the hormonal release of cortisol by tricking the body into thinking there’s been a trauma to react to. The body can then react and it’s over, so the adrenals can stop producing the hormone. Does that make sense? In f.m. patients, it’s as if they are constantly in a state of anticipation of trauma. The cold shower creates the trauma. The body can react to it, and then go back to normal.
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KatyDid says:
I had a friend who thought her problem was fibro. It all fit. But it turned out to be a COMBINED food sensitivity to dairy, high fructose corn syrup, and gluten. Food allergies are difficult b/c there is a delay. And in her case, it wasn’t just one food, it was the slowing of digestion that came from gluten AND the dairy allergy (not lactate intolerance but allergy to casein… which is why goat milk and taking eyzymes did not help her.), AND the toxin of corn syrup.) She was literally POISONING her immune system and when all her lumph nodes would react and swell and she gained fluid retention, kidney problems, ulcers, intestinal inflammation, mega pain followed.
Just telling you in case such a scenario might make a dif as it did for my friend, who went from house/bed bound to triathete.
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Ox Drover says:
Yea, I see what I think you are saying, Star….I also found out that if you lie in a hot tub for a bout 20 minutes and then take a COLD shower it does something that causes very deep relaxation. I am not sure why (though I have some ideas) but I used to be totally amazed at the guys in Aspen rolling in the snow after a hot tub, but wow, it is great. I actually finally tried it and it was absolutely wonderful…sometimes now I will get into a very hot bath, lie down and relax, and then stand up and hit a cold shower and it does the same thing. It is very relaxing. I had a massage therapist once at a spa in Hot Springs National Park here in Arkansas who put me into a very hot mineral bath, then laid me down on a lounge chair and put iced wash cloths on my face for a while then gave me the massage. It was absolutely wonderful.
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KatyDid says:
stargazer
are you saying that in times of great stress, a cold shower might shock the body to STOP overproducing cortisol? but if the cold stimulates shock, wouldn’t that instigate cortisol?
help me out with what I am missing in my thinking?
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skylar says:
Star and Aussie,
from my experience, fibro is a swelling of the muscle fibers due to toxicity. In my case, it was poisoning. But it can also be due to so many other things, like gluten intolerance or food allergies.
When I was being poisoned, I used magnesium and it helped ALOT, but not completely. Then I added the amino L-carnitine. That helped even more. Then I found that CoQ10 was also helpful. Then HMB. Together these supplements in large quantities did the trick.
The magnesium worked, in part because it causes diarhea. Whatever you have in your intestine that is making you sick, makes a quick exit. (sorry to be so graphic again) The other supplements are used by body builders to increase the efficiency of the mitochondria. The cells burn more efficienctly and less toxins accumulate, therefore less swelling occurs within the muscle tissue.
You can research each of those.
Lastly, check out DLPA. An amino acid that does help with pain in some people. It increases the endorphins in the brain.
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KatyDid says:
Oxy
Your description about your massage treatment makes me think the universe is encouraging me towards a getaway that was recently an inspiration!!
I have done a similar thing at the Turkish baths in Harrogate. Hot sauna rooms, then cool mineral pools. Sheer heaven.
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