*huggles* ^_^ That...
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it!
PDF Editor’s note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”
We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.
But when this phrase is used, it isn’t usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on defense.
How many times have you been accused of something you didn’t want to receive? Accused of being a liar, a hypocrite, jealous, controlling and so on. You may have first thought, “I am not __________!” (YOU FILL IN THE BLANK.) You analyzed it because your accuser sounded convincing. “Well, maybe he/she is right, maybe I am controlling, abusive, jealous.”
When I first met my SP, one of the many lies he told me was that he was divorced and had one child. Far from the truth, which was: He was still married and had 3 children with the back then current wife (now divorced), this was his third marriage and he has a total of 7 or 8 kids, not all from these marriages.
As usual with SP’s, things weren’t making sense. Why did he never speak to this child or his ex in front of me? I started asking questions, looking for his ex on Facebook to confirm what he was saying. He was very private with his phone and I also questioned that.
I asked many questions and I asked in a kind manner. What did I get back? Accusations of being a jealous and controlling person!
If I asked anything, I was controlling, jealous, possessive and I was going against everything I preached. (I am a public speaker and I speak to girls about dating relationships.) No, I wasn’t! I had the right to ask; I was in a relationship with this person, or so I thought. After questioning myself many times, after things not making sense, I opted to end the relationship.
That was not about to happen, he wouldn’t have that.
I moved a total of 3 times trying to avoid the SP. He would never leave me alone, and I was always convinced that if I were the caring, compassionate person I claimed to be, then I would understand him and give him another chance.
If I spoke mean and ugly to him (which I did), I was told I was a mean and heartless woman!
The lies continued, porn on my laptop. I knew I hadn’t accessed it, but of course he denied he had. Once again, I was an accuser, a jealous, controlling woman! Many times I tried to end the relationship. I didn’t want to stick around and make sense out of nonsense! Then I was a “quitter;” I didn’t try hard enough!
I am not all those things HE called me! Those shoes don’t fit and I’m not going to wear them!
We’ve all worn uncomfortable shoes, shoes that didn’t fit, shoes that were given to us by our parents, by an ex dating partner. Shoes like, “You are never going to amount to anything!” Or, “You’re just like your mother.” Or, “You’re a jealous and controlling person.”
We walked around with these shoes for years in pain and in agony! We stumbled with those stupid shoes; we were crippled by those shoes that didn’t fit!
The beauty is that once we are out of this maze, we realize THEY are all the things they called us, those are their shoes. They don’t fit us and we don’t have to wear them.
I am a beautiful, giving, loving and trustworthy woman. These are my shoes and I wear them well! I now walk with a little pep in my step!
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
Ox Drover says:
KatyDid, that is the VERY reason that I encourage people to GO TO A PHYSICIAN FOR A DIAGNOSIS before they “self diagnose” one or more symptoms into a “disease.” My step dad was the WORLD’S WORST to “self diagnose” and he was REALLY bad about it and when he would self diagnose something and was wrong it could have had baaaaad consequences sometimes. Like when he got glaucoma and thought he had an allergy or some other thing, and if he had taken a benadryl for his “allergies” he would have lost sight in BOTH EYES….and benadryl is just an “over the counter” medication that most folks have in their home. Fortunately, he called me during his acute attack and I told him to NOT take the benadryl.
I also “self diagnosed” my Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever as STRESS….feeling bad from the stress….until I got to where I could not walk or stand up for more than 1 minute.
That is why we PAY DOCTORS and why we should avail ourselves of their superior knowledge. BTW, even medical professionals should NOT try to diagnose themselves. LOL
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KatyDid says:
can we be specific about the words that go with initials? websearch came up with multiple answers.
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KatyDid says:
catch 22, some people have no money.
too sick to work and can’t work to get enough money for doctor.
it’s try the treatment and risk dying.
when you own your home, you are not elible for a doctor, they willl put a lien on your home which you can’t afford to pay b/c you are TOO SICK to work. in my experience, doctors don’t care if you get well, they care about billing the ones they can. so the risk is to lose my home? no can do.
rinse repeat the madness.
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darwinsmom says:
Oxy, I know that… other tourleaders know that and so does the commercial tour operator. We tell people this in training. BUT she’s not a tourleader. She’s using the results to obviously spin it into her twisted logic.
My issue with authority is that I don’t have an issue with authority. And I’m prone to at the very least investigate where I could have done things better. However, when the mind is made up by the authority that won’t work because it’ll lead you straight to the chopping block. She wants to me to wear a shoe that doesn’t fit.
And I feel that it is imminent for my own self worth and self belief to create an environment during the meeting where she has to be careful how she words things, and where I take my time to see through the fog she’ll create and turn the table right, calmly and self assured. I know now I’ll be talking to someone who is spathy, illogical, fake, without empathy, …
That is why discussing it here is helping me… It made me realize the trap she set in the first meeting, the excuse. So, that I can prepare myself for the excuses she’s going to make up misusing the evidence to her own convenience, and I will have to make my point irregardless. And I think I can pull it off.
I’ve done so in the past on occasion. I can smile like an angel, be completely rational and twist the point around and make my point instead if I feel I need to. More, since people know me as docile, they don’t expect it from me. I caught my narcistic aunt off guard once. I managed the Octopus manager of several years ago. And on an English debate site they used to refer to me as ‘murder in English’.
That email I sent the co-worker is one where I’m docile, am making the decisions to make it easier on them, and yet there are two seeds where I don’t accept the shoe: one by referencing the Costa Rica trip as one of my highlights, and the second through action… calling a duck a duck: you’re avoiding me. BTW, it’s one of the other reasons I don’t think she’ll forward it to the Iron Spath. She won’t like to admit to her that she can’t fake human contact. I’m pretty sure she’ll relay the message of me taking a step down out of my own accord, and thereby emphasising the docile image to the Iron Spath.
I’m not saying it will save me the ok to still tourlead for the company. But it sure will save my self esteem. 2011 was the year where people treated me like garbage and a doormat. 2012 will not be such a year.
Making notes and an open recording would create an environment for me to do right by myself. I’m not going to win the chess game, but I think I’ll be able to get a remise out of it.
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Henry says:
Hi Katydids, yes rinse and repeat, rinse again…our society has cancer me thinks.
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Stargazer says:
Katy, it’s as if the cortisol peaks and then stops because there is finally a trauma to respond to. I’m not exactly sure how to explain it or the exact chemical reaction that happens. I learned this at a fibromyalgia workshop given by the founder of my massage school. It was the cutting edge of research on fibromyalgia at the time – about 10 years ago.
What are the initials you are talking about?
I gave up gluten a year ago and recommend this for everyone. Processed starchy foods seem to have bad effects all the way around, even if you’re not allergic to them. It can cause all kinds of intestinal illnesses. So I think you are absolutely correct that diet could contribute to those symptoms. A good resource for this is Breaking the Vicious Cycle by Elaine Gottschall. Gluten has even been implicated in schizophrenia and autism. (same reference) But it is especially implicated in chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, and many other illnesses.
Sorry if some of this doesn’t make sense – I’m really tired. I just spontaneously wrote a 10-page short story of my first trip to Costa Rica. It has drama, danger, romance, adventure…….a little of everything. It’s really just for me to remember the details of the trip, but I always wonder if my stories would ever be interesting to someone else – I can try to have them published somewhere.
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aussiegirl says:
Katy -
I smiled to think that I might EVER become a triathlete like your friend……ho,ho,ho,ho,ho
Star -
Massage definitely helps; not being able to afford one definitely doesn’t help; the problem with being put off work with Fibro means way fewer $$$$ to go around. Decisions come down to things like – do I keep the power on or do I have a massage? Hair cut or butcher it myself and get to eat food this week? (This is reminding me of how handy the Superspath’s money WOULD have been, had I not walked away from it…)
I have also experienced a great deal of relief from Bowen therapy – a type of cross between myofascial massage and trigger point therapy.
And yes, I take a magnesium supplement, which eases it somewhat (when I can afford to buy it!)
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Stargazer says:
That sucks, Aussie girl. I’m sorry. I’ve had Bowen work, and I agree, it is really amazing. I’d forgotten about that. Here in the states a physician can refer you to a medical massage therapist (which is what I do). It’s all covered under insurance. I don’t know if you can even see a doctor. I hope things improve for you.
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Ox Drover says:
I don’t think that MOST physicians are all about money, but they get a salary just like the rest of us. Most Physicians now either work for a practice (with several docs sharing an office) or they work for a salary for a hospital or clinic. It is usually a “good salary” by most people’s idea, but most docs are NOT “rich” though a few specialists do get “rich.”
I worked in a clinic, I got a salary, a good salary, but I tried to help patients as much as I could by doing the best I could and finding the lowest cost treatment for them that I could. Helping them get medication for free or low cost through drug company programs.
Most doctors will help you get your medication if you qualify for low income, and it is pretty reasonable to get help with your medication even if you have low paying or no insurance.
You can contact the drug company on the internet, down load the form, fill it out, get your doctor to sign it, mail it back in with proof of income and presto, you get help with the cost of your drugs. They either mail you the drugs or they send them to your doc’s office where you can pick them up. So there are ways and most doctors will help you with higher cost medications. With generics many companies here in the US will sell you the generics for $2-4 per Rx. So there is no reason NOT to get treated or take medications if you need them. For chronic stuff especially a short office visit $60 will usually get you the Rx you need for 6 months and you are taken care of.
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KatyDid says:
Oxy
Think I will come to your area for a $60 office visit. Our LOW cost welfare visit is $150, with tests on top of that. They refuse to diagnose without confirming tests. I went there for my annual pap b/c I needed checking for std’s after leaving my husband. My pap test was $350.
I had a staph infection, it was $150 for the initial, $90 for each follow up (My infection did not resolve and it took three followups), and b/c I asked a question about HOW I contracted the infection, it was considered a NEW specialized consult, and that was $250 for ONE question. I stood at their payment desk and refused to pay it. This was at the poor people’s clinic.
In my neck of the woods, there is a LOT of reasons to NOT get treated, the least of which is UNLIMITED charges by the doctors office, hidden charges like finding out that the phone call to tell you results also cost a fee, and STILL NO relief so money is gone, less for Food, and nothing to show for it!! The Rx I could handle, it’s all the other Dx stuff that I can’t afford! BTW, the clinic here charges $25 for the dr to sign a form so you can get reduced Rx.
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Ox Drover says:
WOW, Katy that is OUTRAGEOUS!!!! I am sorry that is the way they are. For STDs here you can go to the HEALTH DEPARTMENT and get it for free…so you might check in your state as well for the health department for a pap. If you have not had a hysterectomy I strongly suggest a yearly PAP smear as most folks have the HPV and that is what causes MOST cancer of the cervix which is treatable.
We also have FREE clinics here in the area run by a Christian group. I have insurance so I go to a great little Internist that I would follow to Alaska for medical care if she moved, I do NOT like her Nurse Practitioner…and will never go to her again, I did go to her once. A friend of mine (that I had referred to the clinic) went to the Nurse Practitioner and she “diagnosed” him with some disease THAT DOES NOT EVEN EXIST, it is an “internet” diagnosis and NOT accepted by medical science. It turned out she was COMPLETELY off base.
I talked to the doctor about her NP and let her know what I had found out both about my friend and my visit to her which she misdiagnosed me as well. So the thing is that you have to be a good health care consumer as well, and PRICE AROUND for the best available care with what/or no insurance that you have. There are some alternatives to NO care. Good luck.
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KatyDid says:
Oxy
Where I live, in order to get medical care from the health dept, first you have to qualify for welfare, get signed up under the welfare department. Then only with a welfare card can you get medical care through the health dept.
To be on welfare is very humiliating for me. I’d rather die. Literally.
There are NO free clinics. B/c I can not afford to pay for the lab test for my pap, I have not had one since I got that first one after leaving my husband. Same with mammogram. There’s the office visit, then the test done elsewhere, and then the charge to read it, and then the charge to report the results.
We have the best medical care system in the USA here, but you have to have insurance. If you are from another state, you have to requalify for insurance. As a +50 yr old woman who lived with an spath, I now have health issues and just seasonal allergies put me in the high risk category so my insurance jumped from $150 mo, to $1200 and that was BEFORE I ever made a claim ($3000 deductable). YES. over $14,000 a year. Their arguement was that if I were really sick with cancer or needed surgery, that insurance was still cheaper. I simply don’t have it. My spath defrauded me and I was TOO sick to work. On bad days, I HAD to be able to rest in order to recover, without being able to rest on demand I went downhill. That’s why I decided to skip insurance and go private pay. I’ve looked for low cost. The $150 visit IS THE LOW COST. (I found out too late about insurance b/c my ATTORNEY NEVER told me that it was part of the court orders upon separation that my husband was supposed to continue providing insurance. HE CANCELLED my insurance when I moved out…. another reason why I said it seemed she worked for HIM.)
As a person who worked in the medical care field, I am aware of idiots and quacks. We had some dr with privileges at our hospital and we protected THEIR patients from them! I was not joking about going to another area of the USA to pay a fair price!
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Ox Drover says:
Katy have you applied for social security disability?
As for welfare and or medicaid, if you qualify I STRONGLY (don’t make me get my skillet!) suggest that you apply for it if you are eligible. At least for food stamps.
I qualify for low income help for medications through the pharmacy companies, it is actually very generous to qualify for the help with the medications though i DO have insurance, just the co-pay on some of the non-generic meds are very high. So I have NO problem applying and I am doing that.
Frankly, Katy to NOT APPLY FOR ASSISTANCE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO is not only foolish it is not good sense in any manner. So that is my opinion and consider yourself verbally warned, and the next time is the skillet! (be afraid, sister! LOL)
TAKING care of OURSELVES is the PRIME DIRECTIVE of the Love Fraud blog…you know that includes medical care as well as emotional support. So seeking and finding appropriate medical care that is AVAILABLE is important. To NOT take advantage of these things that ARE available is not good sense and YOU know it cause you are smart. PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL. So get off your high horse and see what you can find that will be of use to you. (((hugs))) and my prayers!
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KatyDid says:
Oxy
You kin bang that skillet but don’t b/c even if it exhaust ya, I will not go on welfare, not ever. I think it ridiculous that I can’t pay a FAIR price for medical care. Why do I have to open my wallet and let the Dr take all he wants until my funds are GONE. Why can’t I decide based on cost/benefit? You call it a high horse. Well sorry I said anything. But I am not the only person in this pickle, willing to pay but not be robbed. Food stamps? OMG. Well, as a dairy allergy/gluten avoider, beans and rice and chicken are best anyway. Why is my only choice to be SHAMED AND HUMILIATED as the FARKING FAILURE for all to talk down to and pull their power trips on me. I’d rather BE DEAD.
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Ox Drover says:
Katy my darling friend, applying for medicaid or welfare or food stamps is NOT being a “failure”—it is doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. By having so much PRIDE that you won’t apply for medicaid or assistance like that is FALSE PRIDE my dear, and you do not need to do that because you are NOT A FAILURE by taking what your TAXES have paid for all these years.
Just like I applied for and received social security disability for my PTSD…I paid in 7+% of my wages from the time I was 15 and worked every day til I couldn’t work any more after the crash, and I do not think that applying for disability because I have a disability is wrong. It also gave me medicare. I am now 65 so would be on medicare any way by now, but being on medicare saved my life. SAVED MY LIFE because if I hadn’t had medicare I wouldn’t have received treatment for the RMSF and would most likely have died.
I do not qualify for food stamps or welfare, actually because they also do an asset test and I have a little money in the bank, but the pharmacy assistance programs go only on your INcome and my income is very limited, social security and a small pension from my fire department days…and son D’ works for Boy Scouts and gets a small salary so we QUALIFY for the assistance even though we have some insurance and some income. But the thing is, Katy, that you PAID FOR THESE things, just like I did by my wages being docked for 7% and my employer docking them for 7% as well, plus medicare tax and all that. So this is nothing to HUMILIATE YOU it is something you are entitled to as a TAX PAYER. So Boink! Love Oxy!
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KatyDid says:
Oxy
I am glad it worked out for you. You paid and you deserve. But No. I did not. Did I mention that my husband defrauded? I was one he defrauded. We owned our business. Did I mention HE did the taxes? All the social security was applied to HIM, none to me. Yes, I can apply for welfare, and they will put a lien against my house and when taxes are due next year, the lien will force a sale. I’ve BEEN this road; I am in catch22 bc of being married to my X! husband, an spath who controlled our finances and set ME up. I am sorry I said anything. I will stop whining now. Think I’ll take a walk.
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Ox Drover says:
Katy, Darling, not meaning to put stress on you….not in any way at all. Can you contact the SS office and find a way to get some relief about those tax frauds, like an “innocent spouse” thing with the IRS? Where one spouse defrauds the IRS and has a big bill and the innocent spouse doesn’t get charged with it. I know a woman who got out of a $2 million dollar judgment against her husband with that.
I wasn’t aware that welfare put a lien on your home if you applied for welfare or forced a sale. I know with medicaid they don’t do that, in fact, the HOME is the one thing that they cannot attach with patients even in medicaid beds in nursing homes that will NEVER return home, they can’t touch the house…that was in Texas. They also allowed a car and other reasonable assets.
Take care of yourself Katy! (((Hugs)))
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KatyDid says:
Oxy
Things are getting turned around.
I am not eligible for welfare b/c I own an asset, my house.
I can get medical treatment b/c they will use my house like a bank account and charge whatever they want and I don’t have control to say NO, They put a lien on my house for the payment of medical care that THEY decided, NOT ME. But when the taxes are due, so is the lien and THAT will force a sale of my home.
So, I will be HOMELESS. THEN I will qualify for welfare.
Innocent spouse only works if you WIN. Most don’t. And I’d need an attorney. I can’t afford one. The last one seemed to work in my CHARMING husband’s best interests. Can you imagine ANYONE not thinking my handsome, calm, seductive husband not more credible than an overweight unattractive ex wife. They don’t blame him for cheating. They understand!!
The slim blonde woman in her 30′s who agreed to give up her career to become a rancher’s wife and raise more kids is NO LONGER. The fat, gray haired one with hooded eyes and big time multiple miscarriages/dietary illnesses/arthritis/multiple food allergies/stroke/heartattack sufferer is the one that exists now. They look at me and at him and say, boy MR, you married a MESS. No wonder you dumped her (I left but he was using the house like a hotel, he dumped me emotionally a couple of years before I physically departed.)
MY CAR? Is the same one we bought when my daughter entered 9th grade. She’s now nearly 27. It’s the ONLY one bought in our whole marriage. I had a nearly new car when I married him. He has his pickup. Typical ranch set up. He bought new pickups, we got the car when he wrecked my old one.
Reasonable assets. NO I have unreasonable ones. I have my wee antiques. Comfort things. Book cases. A rug. Dining room table. English bone china teaset. A set of teaspoons. Bought cheap but look beautiful. I took VERY good care of my things so they last. In this economy, they would sell at HUGE discount and then I’d not have the atmosphere I use to HEAL. I’d have barebones furniture.
I accept the outcome of being married to my husband. I accept that I will find a way in this limbo, which I could NOT do when I was married to him. And I accept if there is no way, at least I am FREE. Being FREE gives my life more meaning than I have felt in YEARS.(that Predator book was right about post trauma feelings of wondering why bother with ANYTHING.) I have said way too much b/c I do NOT want to be the dam pity party. This is MY outcome and it’s not fair but it sure as hell should show the example for those who think that if they just “try to get along” with their spath, then every thing will work out. Well NO IT WON’T. THey have GREAT power over you, financial power and in your later years when you are most vulnerable, after having sacrificed and tried to appease your inlaws and his jerk friends, he waltzes off with someone new and you are portrayed as a whining LOSER.
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KatyDid says:
I guess I should face the truth of my life and it is pretty pathetic, pretending it’s better than it really is, that I have a future. Well, fark it if I can’t joke a take. No matter what, my life is STILL far better than what it was married to that frickin’ NIGHTMARE of a ridiculing self absorbed look down his long snooty nose at the ungrateful wretch who failed to appreciate how lucky she was to have married the PRINCE.
Now I am going to go STEAL ClassicFm.co.uk radio. It’s Margherita Taylor MY FAVORITE host. YEah I’m a thief of radio. It does not exist here. and I’d pay for it but they don’t allow private subscription.
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Henry says:
Katydid, I cant seem to stay away from my friends here at LF, you seem to be having a bad evening. Yes you are better off with out that long nosed creep. Dont let things overwhelm you, there simply are not answers to every question or reason for every emotion. Enjoy your stolen radio, walk outside and look up at the stars, your doin just fine and I bet tomorrow will be a better day….
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KatyDid says:
Yes Hens, I went and found my friends, Castor and Pollux, Rigel… hard to see in the city. But it’s a clear night. I have missed you and thought of you often. You are a special contributor here on LF. You cut through the BS like a man but with the sensitivity of a gay man. Best of both worlds. I wish you’d write down how much you are needed here and keep it on your fridge so you’d be reminded EVERY day.
I read that book Predator and I’m facing my life message, that I don’t deserve ________(fill in the blank)… and ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. That was my husband’s mantra to me. And I think I will make overcoming that demon my primary battle this year.
Good night. Am going to make a cup of earl grey and take a candlelight bath of epsom salts.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear KatyDid,
Believe me my dear dear friend, Katy, you DO DESERVE the best and you HAVE THE BEST….you have your FREEDOM FROM ABUSE. How much your house cost or is worth or what your furniture is or is not is BESIDE THE POINT, you have every day that is FREE from abuse.
The material things we have are not what is important at the end of the day….what IS IMPORTANT is how we feel about ourselves and our situation.
I qualify for some “low income” help on my medical prescriptions from the pharmacy companies and I am going to apply for it…I qualify because my income is low and that is what their requirement is….they don’t even ask or apparently care how much you have in the bank and I’m not volunteering. I don’t have a lot, but what I do have is paid for so I am still comfortable on a very LOW INCOME amount. If I didn’t have a paid for house I would be in the line at the local FOOD BANK and qualify for all kinds of welfare, food stamps and such because I couldn’t make ends meet on what I take in monthly.
Many of us are here in the same situation without much in the way of income or assets…that is some of the fall out from the psychopaths. Some people are deeply in debt.
Aloha Traveler got out homeless and deeply in debt…and she has managed to live with friends to cut costs, work, pay off her debts, and is now working for a masters in social work so she can be an advocate for victims of psychopaths. She’s younger than we are, and in better health but there are others here that are older and in poor health so hey, I’m with you….my hair is gray and my body is deteriorating and it is not possible for me to get a “re do” on the last part of my career.
I would love to have a lover and to be able to get back all the things I “lost” from my relationships with the psychopaths….and with my x boy friend…etc. but you know. It doesn’t take money or men lined up outside my door to make my life happy, or me peaceful! It takes work on my part in “adjusting my attitude.”
That and a cup of Earl Grey Tea! (((hugs)))
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aussiegirl says:
Katy -
ONE day, when I win the lottery, I am going to gather up all of my LF friends and build a beautiful big, safe compound, with clean water and blue sky and a free medical clinic and massage centre and organic vergetable garden and orchard. We will surround it with razor wire to keep the spaths out but we will plant it with Clematis and other soft, pretty vines so that they grow over the wire and it doesn’t LOOK like razor wire but so that it still works to keep the spaths out….
We will all have at least an acre or two each of land, so that we each have our space and our privacy and can be hermits if/when we wish to but there will also be a large several large common rooms for meeting together if/when we want/need to have company.
We will all look after one another and live calm and peaceful lives. We will pool our collective knowledge and talents to run an education facility (hanging off the OUTSIDE of our compound, so that no spaths can get in when we live) that will be groundbreaking in the exposure of spathdom and how to manage it successfully.
There will be free lavender oil and candles and bath tubs and spa pools and Earl Grey tea for Katy and beautiful music and large avairies of whistling canaries everywhere because their beautiful songs never fail to lift my spirits (I have 4 of my own and the noise they make is glorious).
And we will………..drats and darn!!! Just remembered that I can’t afford to buy lottery tickets….sorry about that folks
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aussiegirl says:
Never mind…it was nice to just day dream for a minute or two
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Henry says:
Aussiegirl – that was a wonderful day dream and I didnt even have to buy a lottery ticket to go there with ya, thanks for sharing.
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Ox Drover says:
Thanks Aussie Girl, I’m with you…I already have the land so just need the money for the fence and some more houses. LOL Yea, a great day dream. I don’t buy lotto tickets either. The odds are so whacked out 130 million to one odds or such like, but I guess someone has to win! Oh, well, maybe one day I’ll buy one and win. LOL
In the meantime I’ll just go outside look up at the stars and be happy in the state I’m in!
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aussiegirl says:
Henry -
You are welcome. x. (I hope it made up for accidentally making you sad with the whole “beagle” video thingy….)
(And of course, the compound will have a few acres set aside as a wonderful kind of “doggy playground” for my wolfhounds and your sausage dogs and everyone else’s four-legged friends)
Oxy -
Now you have me plotting!
1) find land large enough for compund – CHECK!
2) find people who want to live there – CHECK!
It’s really just items (3) through to (1000) that I am still having issues with… LOL. xx
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ErinBrock says:
Katy…..
Keep your head up……it DOES GET BETTER!
I am currently living a life I can CHOOSE! It may not be the ‘jonses’ life…..but it’s MINE! I will continue to grow and seek opportunities which bring joy to my life. So will YOU. It takes time. Allow that time. As long as you make steps in that direction…..it will come darlen!
I worked hard….like you do to remove barriers in my way.
WE ARE WOMAN…..HEAR US ROAR!!!!!!
And…..world…..get the FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY!
XXOO
EB
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ErinBrock says:
Hens……
XXOO
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darwinsmom says:
Well,
I received a positive answer to my email!
“Hey darwinsmom,
Thank you for your message. I’m happy to hear that saturday was a beautiful day for you and that you considered the balance useful. It’s a pity that you don’t see the possibility for a meeting in the coming 2 weeks, but you obviously have your hands full. In the future we would love to have the conversation anyway. Give us a signal when this is possible for you.
In any case it is a smart decision to tourlead again when you are self-assured again and feel strong enough. It is very important to us that you realize this now, as much in your own interest as that of future tourists. Getting insight where you are at is one of the important goals of the balance. I’m happy you took the chance with both hands.
I also conversed with the head manager and the coaches of the balance.
We all came to the same conclusion. It is best to tourlead again when you feel good in your skin again. And for your next trip is a good preparation important, so you can take off with a peace of mind and can fall back on it if there are problems. We can provide coaching for that.
I wish you success with your exams, moving, rededorating and new job. We’d love to hear from you when you are ready to tourlead again. We’ll put the heads together then and discuss how to proceed so that you can start off wel. In the meantime we’ll ask for your certificate of tourleader with Tourism Flanders [that was the extra national one].
Greets,
the co-worker”
YES!!!!! I had filed that request for certificate on time, but they held it back until now.
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skylar says:
Darwin’s mom,
very nice to hear a positive outcome. Does this mean you won’t be having that meeting with the spath manager? I’m a bit confused a now. Or does it mean that you will have it later, at your convenience?
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darwinsmom says:
Yes, it means I’ll have a meeting with the spath manager later at my convenience, but that the decision has already been made to keep me in the organisation, and I’m allowed to tourlead in the future… with extra coaching (and probably intermittent deadlines) for the preparation and planning of the trip. I also suspect they want to discuss what kind of trip I can tourlead before I would give my choices once I feel ready again for tourleading. So, I’ll be monitored in that regard (she said coaching, but I think it’ll be more like monitoring it)
My trips with tourists max 26 years old have always been a hit. Tourleading a country where I’ve been already could help as well. And I think for myself I’m best with nature trips in the tropics. So, I suspect they might argument to choose a trip along those lines.
I think that my assertive mail (plus me voluntarily going on hold) AND the feedback from the two coaches (they never doubted my ability) past Saturday turned the tide around.
I plan to go to as many weekends as I can for training of my choice and interest, get the reports finished by the deadline and have fun.
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somebodysdream says:
Amazing! Everytime I read a new post I say that’s me. That is exactly what was going on in my relationship. Pre LF I would become defensive which would accelerated the fight to physical abuse and me leaving, making room for the “party girls”. Any verbal reply would have been an invitation to assault me. I just thought – if the shoe does not fit, it’s not my shoe. I was always prepared for an emergency exit.
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
Oh yes, amazing how it all has the same fibers running through it; isn’t it? What’s with that?!
I am in the midst of being love bombed and then ignored and then love bombed some more and then pity ploy and then more pity ploy and you know what? “I” don’t care. I really don’t.
The past 8 (almost 9 soon) months of NC has given me so much freedom. The freedom to find myself again and I ain’t letting ME go for nothing no more. I am happy we aren’t married nor never have been, I am also happy we never had living children together. I have made a decision and a strong and firm choice, many months ago, that I was going to keep this madness at bay and have no further part of it. So, I just stopped participating.
I informed my so called compassionate stalker that if he was going to attempt playing me, he should just silence himself and move further away. Once again, I said all of those things I felt needed to be said. “I love you so much and I miss you so much!” Yah, right…
After lengthy explanation on his behalf, he is in need of legal expertise and just like I thought: had a purpose for me. Not one time was I ever asked “how I was”. Not once.
NOTHING has changed. NOTHING.
Ox, I repeated a line to “IT” that you had told me once…
“It wasn’t the lies and deceptions that hurt the worse, it was that now I can no longer trust you.” Yes, I told him that line. He is learning to move away and I am so glad.
Yah, so I broke NC.
It gave me a validation that YES, I am ABSOLUTELY making all the right choices and decisions. I would advise anyone in my position, GO NO CONTACT and MOVE AWAY FROM THE SPATH. As far away as you possibly can get. Because it never changes. The only thing that changes is YOURSELF. I am stealthed, I found, against all these things you wonderful LoveFrauder’s have taught me along the way. YAY!
I am fine and getting finer by the moment.
Dupey
{I can already feel the bumps on my head from
Ox’s iron skillet!}
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Ox Drover says:
Dupey, I would have let you ride, because you said that you now know that NO CONTACT is the only way to go…but you said “I can already feel the bumps on my head” so I guess I HAVE TO DO IT! BOINK!!! BOINK!!!! Now you go NC and STAY NC! What were you thinking for goodness sakes? WHAT?????
Now you get fine and finer by the moment, each moment NC is what makes you finer! (((hugs)))
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
Thanks for the bumps Ox.
But I learned a lot. It was very validating to hear more of the same old pigeon excrement. Just more of the same. All the red flags I SHOULD have seen in the beginning are now flashing neon lights. hahahaha
I am going to be just fine. Seriously.
I mean every word I have ever said and still do.
NO CONTACT “IS” the only way to go. I needed to know status.
That’s why. It’s been coming on for a couple weeks…our talking. There were things that needed to be said, still. I said them. I am empowered, completely and he has resigned to that fact, quite unhappily. That is fine. I just am not living that way. Period. “No hard feelings; adios…wish you well..”
Thanks Ox for your support.
I am finding myself again. That 8-1/2 months was good for me. DEFINITELY. I found myself again. I gave myself up the moment I let “IT” enter my life in the first place….
I am not devastated anymore; I am empowered.
He can NOT have what is left; the rest is mine!
xxoo
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Ox Drover says:
Good girl Dupey, now go get you an ASA and an ice pack (((hugs))) I’m glad you’re gonna be okay!
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
Yah, thanks, Ox, my feet are starting to slam down real hard now. I stood up to him and his love bombing today and well, he is now homeless on top of it all. Imagine that. Like I told him: “Shouldn’t be too difficult to pick someone up tonight off the internet, before it gets too late, hm? I mean, we both know you aren’t fussy about who you sleep with.” I was NOT very nice at all.
Never to worry; I am empowered and in touch with myself now and in no mood for any more bull***p.
*BIG HUGS BACK*
Pray for me….one minute he loves you and the next he is trying to cut your face off….I have LOTS of protection and I am going to be JUST FINE NOW. JUST FINE. wahooo! TOWANDA!!!!
“I” have control!!!! WAHOOOOO!!!!
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
PS: My therapist is going to LOVE hearing THIS!
I see them tomorrow….
TOWANDA!!!
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skylar says:
Dupey,
you said, “we both know you aren’t fussy about who you sleep with.”
Bwahahahahhahaha!
exxxcccellent! I love that you said that. If you’re going to break NC, at least get some good jabs in there while you’re at it! LOL!
Call him back tomorrow and say you want to play a guessing game about who he slept with. Ask him, “was it animal, vegetable or mineral? Was it bigger than a breadbox?”
ROTFLMAO.
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strongawoman says:
Hi Dupey,
How’s your head?
lol
He’s homeless? Aw diddums. Who cares?
Hope you’re ok my friend.
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darwinsmom says:
Dupey, I’m glad that the breaking of NC made you realize how much farther you’ve come. You used it for your own affirmation and self-confidence… And he hardly got anything out of it. How’s that for a backspath
Stay well! And let further NC heal you even more!
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Ana says:
Hi Duped,
I’m glad you let him have it! Maybe IT will slither away now. Glad you are going back to NC, but learned a lot and are more powreful than ever : )
Stay strong, NC!
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
skylar: LOVED YOUR POST!
ROTFLMFAO
I tried to be as civil as I could….
xxoo
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
strongawoman: my dear friend so far away…
xxoo
I am doing just fine. Believe it.
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
Ana: thank you for your wishes and comments.
Thanks too for all your support. xxoo
Yes, SLITHER being the important word here.
I let “IT” know, right up front: “Do not try playing me.”
NC back in force. Played in the sandbox for a bit, got my
hands dirty, washed it off…back to business….
Nothing has changed.
Temperature check failed.
BZZZZZZZZZ!
Game over.
{rubbing me head from Ox’s bumps}
Dupey
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