Games our minds play
PDF After the sociopath, when the fog starts to lift, many of us ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I see what was going on?” According to a new book, we should probably cut ourselves some slack.
Read Book Review: The Invisible Gorilla on Scienceblogs.com.
Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
kim frederick says:
Hi Oxy. Glad to see you’re back. I missed you yesterday. Your walk sounds lovely. It’s still too hot and humid here. I am anxious for some crisp, cool, autumn days.
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OxDrover says:
The walk was good in several ways, one was to get my fat body moving. One way was just spending pleasant time with son D. The other was just looking over the pasture grasses and the pond and trees and seeing what shape they were in with this low-rain situation and then looking over the cattle, donks and horse to see if they had any injuries or anything. Everything out there is so fat it can hardly walk. Th bit overcast most of yesterday and a bit today but humidity up some. I may end up having to turn AC back on but for last 5-6 days I’ve had it off and house opened up in the evenings.
I won’t run off and leave you guys for LONG so don’t get antsy or paranoid. YOu know I’m not gonna “fade away” and not say anything, if I’m going to leave here I’ll have myself a “farewell party” (((Hugs))))
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kim frederick says:
Yeah, my metabolism is so sluggish, and I feel hungry all the time. I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last three years. I was always slim before. Is it a result of menopause?
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ErinBrock says:
Thyroid?
Low Vit D?
OLD AGE????
Too much chocolate?????
All of the above??????????????????
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kim frederick says:
Don’t know, I haven’t seen a Dr.
Tell me more about vit D deficiency. I have never heard about that?
It’s not chocolate because I rarely eat sweets, but I do like fried foods, mac and cheese, and because I feel so hungry all the time, I probably eat way too much.
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bulletproof says:
No Kim it’s from putting too much food down the hatch!! you simply don’t need as much now…but what I do is compensate not having a partner with eating totally delicious dinners….my guilty pleasure is fresh parmesan cheese block grated over tasty pasta…..with black pepper and a half a bottle of Chianti..oh yum…I’ve put on 6lbs I keep saying I’ll stop tomorrow…ha ha…I’m biting my lip now trying not to go into details about menopause…but it’s not the site for it!!! and it would put people off their food…actually not a bad idea…but how about a cut down on food intake….tomorrow!
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ErinBrock says:
Causes all sorts of symptoms…..
I don’t want to get boinked by ms. moxy……so i’ll let her explain or direct you to google.
I’ve taken Vit D since I was diagnosed with the C and my vit. d levels were 8!
Very low!!!!
It relates to energy levels, calcium absorption, depresion etc…..
Nuff said……i’m covering my head…i feel the wind from the skillet!
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OxDrover says:
Kim, ‘
If you haven’t had a good complete medical check up in a while, I suggest you get one. Get Labs for thyroid, liver function, Vitamin D, and B, a mammogram, and if over 50 the colonoscopy. If you’re a smoker, a chest x ray wouldn’t hurt and an EKG either. Get checked for blood sugar, and glucose, as well as cholesterol.
Then. If all is well, go on a 1200 calorie died (NO LESS than that) because if you go too low, the body will shut down and you’ll gain on 800 calories (those crash yo yo diets are the worst)
Then exercise. WALK and do stretching exercises. Pull your gut in and hold it for a count of 10, great for the belly and abs. Pull your toes up toward your head while you are sitting, helps b lood circulate. and strengthens calf muscles. Do that at least 10 times an hour. Also 10 x an hour take a coomplete DEEP breath blow out all the air from your lungs and replace it ten time.
Get a dental check up and see what is going on with your teeth.
Cut down the amount of coffee you drink to nomore than 1 cup a day, two if you do decaf for at least one of them.
No caffine after noon time.
get 6 hours rest and sleep.
Check with your doctor on any thing else you are taking over the counter as asprin can cause you to bleedc if you have stomach problems, tylenol can hurt your liver, some “herbs and spices” are not really good for you or can interact with medications.
Get the vaccine for shingles if you haven’t already gotten it.
If you are over 60 get the pneumonia vaccine, or if you have heart problems or diabetes or other chronic disease.
If you are sexually active and have not gotten a HEP B vaccine get one.
GET A FLU vaccine every year. BTW It is a scientific FACT that the flu vaccine can NOT “give you the flu” if you took the vaccine and still got the flu, you were harboring it when you got the shot and just happened to come down with it after taking the shot.
If you have been sexually active (espeically with a psychopath) and have not had an STD check up, GO GET ONE most states will give you a FREE one and you don’t even have to give them your name. Even if you used condoms every time, there are diseases that can go around a condom.
Get yourself healthy! Start the walking and if you don’t have a safe place to walk outside, walk inside even if it is just up and down your hall way or in a mall somewhere but get those legs moving, stand in your living room and do range of motion exercises for a while each day. Then do something NICE for yourself every day!!!!!
Here’s your FREE “life coach” lecture from the Ox Drover—now shape up or I’ll boink ya! LOL ((((HUgs))))
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OxDrover says:
Nah, EB, D and calcium is another thing that we some times are low in, and when we lose the hormones (menopause) we have trouble absorbing either. So even though we were posting over each other, I read your mind and gave Oxy’s health advice for mature women! LOL
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kim frederick says:
Good Lord, Ox, that’s a lot of stuff… :0 but I will try.
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ErinBrock says:
Kimmie,
Get on it girl…..theres a lot of ‘stuff’ in your body!!!!
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OxDrover says:
Yea, you know what lousy patients medical personnel are, but I have been trying to get “healthy” and that means take care of myself medically. Sure it is a bunch of stuff but if we have the facilities here in this country to take care of our selves and don’t use it we might as well be living in the Sudan. It is fairly cheap and easy to PREVENT problems by watching our diet and exercising, and getting a few screening tests run every year and getting some vaccines. Usually the Health department will give flu vacs for free or low cost, there are health fairs that will check Blood pressure and blood glucose, and Health departments will usually do free STD checks too and you may have to look around but even mammograms for low cost or no cost are available in Arkansas for goodness sakes, ,so where ever you live there’s something free in health care or low cost!
Every one of us has access to the internet so there’s lots of good stuff we can look up on diet and exercise, and all that good stuff!
S
So all ye who smoke go out and QUIT–If I can do it so can you (No fanatic like a convert) and all ye who drink to excess, or drug any at all STOP it! GET HEALTHY and that means ME, and Kimmie, and EB and YOU! Healthy bodies and minds work better! I love you guys so let’s get with it!!!! (((((hugs)))))
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ErinBrock says:
I knew I was in for a Moxy beating today!
I felt it in the air!!!
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OxDrover says:
Hey, NO FANATIC LIKE A CONVERT!!!! Mama’s on a heallth kick so everyone’s on a health kick! LOL
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ErinBrock says:
No shiat!
Gogetem oxy…..just watch out for the holes in the runway.
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OxDrover says:
Damn armadillos, wish they’d go back to Texas where they belong! They moved in up here about 25 years ago. When we first moved up here the place was like a swiss cheese with the suckers! We would back the tractor up to their holes and stick a pipe from the tractor exhaust down in their hole and take a shovel full of the dirt mound they had made and gas’em to death. Took a few months but we wiped them about out I guess. Seldom see them now.
Was lovely to just walk among the trees and grass and down by the pond and look at the various trees and vines growing up in them and how pretty the pasture looked. It was a weed/brush covered thicket when we moved back here, but through lots of hard work it looks much nicer now, almost like a golf course.
The soil is healthy now again too, the butcher birds had put bugs on the barbs of the barbed-wire fences, and there are dung beetles back here again (health soil has them and they “curb” and clean up after the cows! taking the poo about 3 ft down into the soil) Isn’t that neat! Saw painted buntings song birds here the other day, and a hawk that nests near our yard. So it’s peaceful here again and the black cloud that hung over the place (almost a real one!) is about gone now, though it is still kind of “dark” over by the egg donor’s corner of the farm. I don’t get too close over there.
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hens says:
I smoke two packs a day..have tried to quit but I justify it as my only guilty pleasure, I am a closet smoker, dont smoke around the grandkids or my employer’s or in anyone else’s home or car. I feel like a degenerate, smell like one too..I have made a vow to stop when I get my eye’s fixed, new sight new lifestyle, kinda like a second chance..my eye’s are bad, I am hoping to get the surgery in six months or less if i dont fall over dead from lung cancer. I tried chantix, the patch..I just like smoking, they have power over me just like the spath…just spillin my gutz here…
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Aeylah says:
Hens,
Johndalar dosen’t smoke…. maybe you can find another “guilty pleasure”? lol
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hens says:
Johndalar would be a great ‘guilty pleasure’..Hey~! Aeylah how are you? have not seen you in a long time was thinkin about you the other day…good to see you..
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Aeylah says:
Hi Hens,
LOL…yes indeed!!!! one I could indulge in myself!
Well….I’m ashamed to admitt, I fell off the wagon and indulged in my toxic addiction …my “guilty pleasure”…once again, as deadly as allways.
after 3 months of NC, got sucked in again with self deception, and malignant optimism only to come out with re-affirmation of what I allways knew! He’s a beast! and I’m not talking a sexy one either
And so….Aila is fighting the wild beast in the forest once again! only this time Aeylah is wiser, less tormented more sure footed and is armed with her poise and arrow!
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still trying to understand says:
So we all know that there was an elephant in the room. We all read, research, try to continue to understand the insanity. We have all gone through the different stages but seem unable to have closure.
Can someone PLEASE explain to me where I am in this process. Two and one half years out and I am still sad, mad, confused, angry, anxixety plagued, haunted…
More than anything, at this point, I cannot get passed the ‘unfairness’ of it all.
Being mentally/psychology raped and brutally beaten by a predator. They walk free, on to the next victim but, continue to enter your thoughts and stay in your world.
I, the victim, still pay. Everytime I go somewhere, bump into someone that is still ‘friends’ with the monster, I still deal with it. The monster walks free, never having to face it.
There is nothing ‘we’ as victims can do. The stories that we hear about in the news or read about in books seem so severe. We think that a Lifetime story can never happen to us.
Someone, PLEASE, tell me not to care that the monster is walking free. That the ribbons of emotion it keeps going with friends and acquaintances should not matter. People see that the sociopath is ‘off’ but they don’t see the damage that has been done or how dangerous that person really is. Hell, half of them can’t even see what was done to them by this monster.
Enlighten me, please!
Help!
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hens says:
Dear Aeylah – Nobody here is going to say “I told you so or You shouldnt of done that.” It is part of the process I think, I can count on all my fingers and toes how many times I tried it again and again, each time with more hope and determination it would work but each time it just got uglier and sicker. You are a stong person and you will survive, instead of poise and arrow’s you might try poison arrow’s with your X. Sorry you are going through this but thank you for sharing.
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hens says:
Dear Still Trying..I am also at 2.5 years no contact. I have some of the same feelings but not to the degree you are having. I think I was fortunate that we did not share any friends and he moved to another city about 40 miles away. I have remained no contact and so has he I guess. I know how you feel, but the friends you mentioned that know he is ‘off’ and continue to see him are prolly just as bad as him. And nobody will ever understand what he did to you until he does it to them. The only advice I have is go no contact with the friends, that way you wont know what he is up to. Sorry you are still trying to dig out of this, we all know what your feeling, but count your blessings that he is gone and out of your life..I dont give a crap what my X is up to as long as he stays gone..I wanted to be more comforting to you but it didnt come out that way..HUG
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ErinBrock says:
Stilltyring:
The ‘phase’ you are in…..is the ‘phase’ you are in.
There are no rules to healing.
It’s up to you, where you are at.
Remove him and make it about YOU!
If what your doing, you feel, is not working….well then….shake it up…..look at it all from a different angle.
Get new friends, remove yourself from the world you ‘shared’ with him.
Create a distance.
I know I got tired of dominating my friendships conversations with spath news…..I felt disconnected from my friends and got tired of hearing it myself.
I know a huge release for me was tackeling a huge lingering spath connection…..3 years of tax’s…..the minute I got it done and got the news back…of a refund….it was a HUGE RELEASE! I don’t think of him like I used to…..he doesn’t dominate my world these days.
Yes, he still enters my mind, like yesterday about the kids…..but I also thought…..you know…..I really don’t feel like I want him to drive off a cliff or not……i’m indifferent.
He is he and I have my own life. He is not part of my life!
If I got news of his death…..I now….dont know how I’d feel.
I don’t put that much energy into him. I put it all into me now!
When we allow them to ‘stall’ our thoughts, they live in our mind.
When they live in our mind, we live in the past and don’t make efforts in ‘today’s’ life for us.
I think your stuck on being externally validated. you are validated……you lived it…..who gives a shit about what /who /how want to be duped by him, or believes you……you have no control over that! KNOW THAT!
Open the door and simply escort the elephant out.
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Aeylah says:
Hens…thanks for the support….I allways feel a bit “embare -assed” comming here …again after another failed attempt to finish for good!…”uglier and sicker”…yes indeed. I think it happens because they hate us for being so weak and so loving at the same time.
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still trying to understand says:
Hens and EB,
I have not had any contact with her for the last, almost, 4 years. I haven’t looked at her, talked to her, talked about her… She on the otherhand seemed obsessed with me. This story is just so long, I don’t have the mental strength to think about it much less type it out.
In a nut shell – she is the wife of one of my husband’s childhood friends. She is the complete opposite of me in everyway. She knew my husband long before I came into the picture. This woman infiltrated our lives and the lives of our children. Snuck into every crack and crevice. I bought, hook line and sinker every demented, sad, tragic story she told me. She played me and my husband, like a finely tuned instrument. I stopped speaking to her almost 4 yrs. ago when she started really spirling out of control. The determining factor for the end of the ‘friendship’ – she did something to my son, who was only 4 at the time. At the advice of a family law attorney and a therapist, my husband and I were told to sever the relationship between the two family’s.
I wouldn’t even look her way, we stayed as far away from her and her family as possible.
She, on the otherhand, seemed obsessed with me. When she would see me driving, she would try to catch up to me. She cried to my friends, who she considered mutual friends, asking their advice as to how to get back in my good graces… I started receiving cards, letters, and gifts from her. It got to the point where it was actually frightening. Her last letter begged me to forgive her in one sentence and then accused me of being the cause of her not being able to be a good mother to her children in another…
Our next step, at the advice of our attorney, was to send her a letter asking her to stay away…wishing her and her family luck… He was trying to set things up for a restraining order. It seemed to work for awhile and then she began to become very aggressive again…
Here is where I just can’t find the strength to relive it because it became so much worse…I danced with the devil herself.
It was almost 2 and 1/2 years ago that I found out – my husband had been having an affair with her.
This woman has moved on. She and her husband picked up their family and moved, for the second time. It was found out that she was also having an affair with another man when all of this was going on. She was ‘best friends’ with this wife too.
Constant reminders everyday. We live in a small community so to completely disassociate myself from people that we both know is impossible. Too many families involved.
I know that this post probably seems nonsensical. Organizing my thoughts is not something that I am very good at these days and as you can imagine, the details, all of the stories are CRAZY.
I just wish, pray, that someone could give me the answer as to how to live my life with no closure to this.
Deep breaths is all I can do at this point.
Thanks to everyone on LF that posts their stories. To know that other people understand is truely life saving sometimes!
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hens says:
Somebody here said the other day that they take our loving them as controling them..it’s just a big loss all around. It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with a physco the rest of your life. The author of the Aeylah books was writing fiction, it was her imagination, her illusion of love. Some find it some dont, I often wonder how her husband compared to Jondular. Personally I will stick to reality, my illusion’s are all fantasy, fairy tales and gumdrops.
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hens says:
Stilltrying – Oh My what a tangled web. You have my sympathy and understanding. Let me say this, I will never forget, never get over what the toxic people in my life have done. I can not undo it, but I have let go of the hurt and anger, all I can do is live the best life I can with them out of it, life is too short to let them have anymore of me..
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ErinBrock says:
Stilltrying;
I am suspecting your ‘angry’ at your husband and this keeps it fresh in your life.
I suspect you can’t trust him and maybe your trying to ‘save’ a marriage of fantasy and your not ready to depart it just yet?
The affair explains her obsession with you……
In your world…..HE brought this in.
You never ‘asked’ for any of this.
Am I warm?
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still trying to understand says:
Hens – I pray every night that I can get to that point. I honestly, just don’t know how…
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hens says:
still trying – I dont know how either, it just happened when I realized what has been wrong with me all my life..I have a conscience~! I thot I was defected but I ain’t and neither are you, it will come to you when the time is right.
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still trying to understand says:
EB,
You are correct that he brought this in and, at times, I am still angry with him.
We have been in therapy, together, from the very beginning of this and he has worked very hard throughout the process. We both have. Our therapist is incredible and has helped me/us work through all of the issues with our marriage. We are both where we want to be.
No, I don’t believe that I am in a marriage of fantasy. Trusting him again is a work in progress. Trusting anyone, is a work in progress.
In this whole messed up, convoluted story, I fault him for the infidelity and nothing more. Absolutely no excuse for what he did but, if you knew the whole story, you would understand how I could feel this way.
You are right, I never asked for any of this but, I could have gotten out. I could have said no. I was naive, trusting, kind…things that I don’t give away as easily as I once did.
Wouldn’t it be nice to shout our stories from the rooftops for all to hear. Maybe we could save a mind or two.
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ErinBrock says:
Stilltrying:
I’ve never been in your shoes…..my post was just suspicans….Sorry to be so off base.
I am at a loss for what to advise you……I don’t get stumped often…..but girl….ya stumped me!
The best I can offer is to throw yourself into whatever makes you happy and try to pinch this whackjob out of your head.
Control you own thoughts because you can’t control others.
Take the high road…..the clouds are a softer landing.
XXOO
EB
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still trying to understand says:
EB –
From all of the therapy, I understand that she was obsessed with me long before the affair began. Our therapist, without being able to clinically diagnose her, fully believes that she is a sociopath. An extreme fatal attraction. Her husband has moved her and the family to another state, down the street from another childhood friend and his wife and family.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Still trying,
Welcome to LF, and I can see where you definitely have a tangled web to unravel.
It must be difficult to know all of this and to reconcile with your husband and to let go of the anger.
The “betrayal” part of all this is the worst of the pain I think, and not only did your “friend” betray you, but your husband as well. My heart goes out to you in resolving this double betrayal from two people you loved.
The stalking behavior she is doing is “typical” and she may come back over and over even with years between. God bless you and give you peace. Keep reading and posting here. This place has been my salvation and mental savior. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.
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still trying to understand says:
EB – your suspicions were good…like I said though tooooo many details to type. THANK YOU, thank you for your thoughts!!!
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still trying to understand says:
OxDrover – mine too! I’ve been reading post for almost two years now!
Yes, we have an incredible therapist who has not only helped to save my marriage but, my life. He has prepared us for her to return in our lives at some point. She has made comments to people that as soon as the children turn 18, there will be nothing that I can do to keep them (all of the children) apart…
This woman is sick.
Thank you for your comments. I don’t need to tell you how much it helps!!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Still trying,
Glad you are here, it sounds like you are doing what it takes to work through this awful mess, and that is all a donkey can do is to do the best it can. These people are like cancer they just keep popping up and coming back even when you think you have them beaten down.
Keep on reading and doing the things you are doing. We are all making progress in our own ways and our own times. I’m glad you posted and believe me it will help you to post more than you know,l because when you give advice to someone else you reinforce it in your own mind x 3! (((Hugs))))
ps. the woman is NOT “Sick” she is EVIL.
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kalina says:
I have chosen this site because the insights and comments mirror my own experiences regarding sociopathy. Despite an extensive background in the field I keep getting fooled. Dr. Reid wrote the definitive book on psychopathy. The criminal personality vol.1,2,3, provide powerful backgound and interpretive information. The authors, Yochelson and Samenow were quoted on one of the last episodes of the Sopranos. Remember that dinner party when Elliott told Dr. Amalfi that sociopaths learn to be better criminals after studying the therapists’ reactions to the patient. Well, in our own lives it’s the victim who is depersonalized; the sociopath watches us and uses our illusion of a bond to manipulate us. I’ll talk more about this process once I get the feel of opening up.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Kalina,
Welcome to LoveFraud. Sorry you have had reason to learn about psychopaths…but glad you came here. Lots of good information, discussion and support. Again, welcome.
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ErinBrock says:
Kalina;
Welcome to LF.
What you wrote about the sociopath watching us…..and using our illusion of a bond to manipulate us is so true!
Sorry you’ve had the ‘encounter’. LF is a great place to learn and be part of a community who ‘get’s it’……
I look forward to hearing more about what you have to share.
Again, Welcome to LF!
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hens says:
Kalina – Welcome. I got goose bumps reading the last few sentence’s of your above post, am looking forward to reading whatever you have to share..
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chinagirl says:
Still trying….I really feel for you…I have been dealing with these feelings I can’t shake for 5 years. I can’t quite figure this whole thing out…I feel like I am still missing something. What makes me feel better right now, although i pop in and out of sadness, depression, hopelessness, is good self care, doing everything I can each day to move forward (my story is different than yours I realize)…but I still have anger, sadness, frustration, I am incensed that this happened!
I need to forgive myself…I blame myself for a lot…I even go as far as to wonder maybe it was all my fault after all. I know that isn’t true. I think I am mad at myself because I ignored the red flags while dating x spath and put myself in this situation…and since I left him five years ago and have been in such shock and grief and loss I still have let myself down, not taking care of myself in a way that would mean I wouldn’t be here today in this situation. I feel I am being cryptic, sorry…I’m actually just writing and sorting it out.
It sounds like you are putting some closure on one part of the situation…your husbands affair. That is positive, working in therapy. Maybe you have forgiven him but not forgiven yourself? We give these people so much power by thinking and allowing them to live rent free in our heads. I am guilty of this daily. Because I give him so much power that way I can’t get past it. I need to also forgive him. Not for him, but for me. That will help my toxic feelings. I think if I forgive him I can let go of him and then get to that place of indifference OxD was talking about. I wish you well….I know it is so painful.
Kalina, welcome. I think what you said about them watching, observing, working off the illusion of a bond is right on. I think I have been going through something similar currently. This guy I was writing about, who is a new friend, but he wants to date me and I do not…I have been watching him watch me….I don’t trust anyone at all and I won’t let him in and he is trying so hard to figure out how to get me in. I don’t think he is spath, but I do think he has some big issues…I also think my x spath used therapy as a way to understand the verbage and use it against me. And to learn more how to hide in his darkness. Or maybe hide his darkness is a better and more accurate way to look at it.
I just want to be free. I am very very tired. I have no friends left after all of this and a lot of that is my own doing. My own crazy behavior as I have tried to make sense of this…I wasted five years but I also learned a lot and the thing is I am here now…it’s better than not being here and not finally having an understanding as to what happened. But my behavior the past five years in my fear, frustration, anger, panic has hurt me big time and I am so mad at myself. Sometimes I just think for a smart woman I am an idiot. But, also, I know I have suffered many losses in a short time. Too many. deaths, divorce, custody loss, ailing parents, loss of friends, realizing I have no real family that they are sick and horrible people (except my father and my children), job loss, lost my house…financial devastation through out this…I ended up paying my worthless attorney over 100K. and for what? All the money I had. I look back just even 6 months before I met my xspath…my life was so fun and happy. I had a great job, friends, a life that was full. Wow! so much devastation since that time. I feel sometimes that I am too old to make it through this…that is not true I know. I am much more of a fighter than that. I heard someone say this next decade is for the best from us….and I believe that can be true…as long as I can let go of my own obsession with x spath and what he did to me. If I don’t let go of that and take that power back I will continue to hurt myself…because when I am in bondage to him like this I do not make good decisions. My emotions are all out of whack and I don’t think clearly or take good care of myself. I must not think I am worth it or something. I can’t quite figure out why I would allow him this power.
Ok, am rambling…just having a weird day. I have been talking to my daughter reguarly and planning on see her next week. That is good. But I feel so sad…she is living there, entrenched in that life, and our relationship that was so close and wonderful is something different now. That first four years home from China was about me helping her adjust and become who she is now and I don’t get any say in her life at all right now. He doesn’t tell me about her school, he leaves me out of everything. I write and call her teachers and try to do what I can do…I refuse to be ignored. kidding…that was reference to fatal attraction above…but really he wants it to be as though I don’t exist…this is how he hurts me, through my beautiful girl. I pray she gets it some day. I pray I get through this and learn to let go of him. Thanks for listening….support.
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sherry winter says:
Does any one else who read this book find it disturbing? I’m about half way through, and I get the feeling that I can not be sure of any thing. I can’t be sure that my ex sociopath really was/is a sociopath, because what I remember him doing, maybe never happened.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Sherry Winter,
Yes, I read that book and yes, it is disturbing, BUT at the same time, it also makes me know that many times that may be why others don’t “see” the psychopath the way WE do, and why they don’t GET IT. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
I’m reading another book on how our brains “trick us” It is “A mind of its own, How your brain Distorts and Deceives” by Cordelia Fine. It goes along with the Invisible Gorilla one and compliments it very well.
I dont’ think either of these books makes us crazy, or that we should feel crazy, it is just that what we perceive as “reality” may only be PART of reality.
I remember vividly the day of the airplane crash, with my husband lying on the ground, the first sight I saw, then the fire leaping 50+ feet into the air, and I could NOT see my son and the other two people from the plane. I was frantically searching for them, I could not SEE THEM. My son said that I was 3 feet from him and looking at him apparently, but not seeing him.
We both have short term memory problems and he will “remember” one thing llike “I told you Y” and I will remember “something else”–like “No, you did NOT tell me Y” It is difficult for us to know if he is really remembering he told me, or that he THINKS he told me because he MEANT TO TELL ME, or if He did tell me and I forgot. We have learned not to be cranky with each other in this situation which happens frequently unfortunately.
Personally, I don’t know anyone who could put up with my frequent “forgets”—and vice versa, but I understand his/our problems and though it is irritating at times we don’t get irritated AT each other. We just try to figure out ways to keep it from happening as frequently. So we have a JOINT activity calendar so we can keep up with doctor’s appointments, social engagements, out of town plans, and so on, as well as a LIST of “to do’s” so we can keep more or less on task.
Sherry don’t let yourself get sucked into thinking that none of the bad things he did really happened. If necessary, confirm them or document them to keep you from thinking you are “going crazy”—believe me the GASLIGHTING that my egg donor and my P son did to me—made me wonder if I was crazy and if they were saying “you did, or you did NOT” when I knew I did or didn’t, and I second guessed my own recall when I was 100% correct and they were twisting my reality with gaslighting.
I’m open minded, but not so open that my brains fall out!
I think it is good to be aware that sometimes we don’t actually SEE something when we are focused on other things, but STRESS makes our focus NARROW and so what do they do to us, they STRESS us so that we are essentially almost blind to the reality of what they are doing. Just as a magician “distracts” us from seeing what he is doing with his hands and things appear as if by “magic” we know there is an illusion. So do the psychopaths, they distract us with stress so we dont’ SEE their tricks, but that doesn’t mean we are crazy or it never happened.
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