LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Delete yourself from the lie
PDF A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note — ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
Delta1 says:
Hi Verity
I hope you come back to LF when you’re ready. It’s good that you got back to Sageegirl’s comments – but don’t beat yourself up too much or feel ‘unsafe’ to come back. I’ve learned that there’s alot of tolerance here on LF overall.
Sometimes when we’re in pain we do things and say things that we wouldn’t otherwise – I remember you saying you haven’t been sleeping and that can’t help.
It’s hard to feel ‘trust’ again – even in the relative anonymity and safety of LF. I think it’s a ‘symptom’ of your experiences with the Spath in your life.
Also after my devalue and discard – frankly I became like an S myself all the pain I’d experienced in my life kind of ‘welled up’ in me into a dirty black hole. I started to see the world in shades of grey and was murderously, coldly, brutally enraged. I just wanted to KILL my ex and even had a pretty good plan worked out! I have never before or since had such cause for anger or to ‘find the evil inside myself’. I looked into the face of my shadow-side and she sure is an ugly and bitter creature!!!
Some lightbulb went on in my head from somewhere tho’ and I went to therapy instead of committing murder and ‘losing my own soul’ – much less disruptive ha, ha, ha! The therapist was a bit scared I was actually going to do something I think – ‘cos he had ‘that look’ i.e. wondering whether to break client/patient confidentiality! Bit embarrassing now really and seems very remote – the anger has all gone. But there you go. My exN is just lucky we don’t live in a country with guns! LOL
So I doubt that you are as ‘bad’ as I was for a bit. I don’t want to scare anyone on LF whose still vulnerable BTW. The therapy and LF really helped and I’m ‘walking in the light’ again!! I’m not an S N or P – thank god, though I teetered on the brink of losing my humanity for awhile! It was the abuse (all the abuse in my life) talking and needing to be expelled.
But yes – getting some sleep, some good food, long relaxing walks, stroking a pet – all these good ‘grounding things’ will help you alongside LF.
Bright Blessings
Delta 1
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verity says:
Bulletproof, thank you. I came to see if anybody had replied and I am grateful to you for doing so. I need strokes, that can’t be denied. But I also have a responsibility to be responsible!
Can’t get angry with spath because he has to be dead. Only angry with him in my head but not real life. I would kill him, same as you. He nearly killed me and didn’t care. I love Kathleen’s writings and refer to them a lot. Yes, the rage has to go somewhere but I realised, thinking about it while getting my hair cut just now, that I think I am dissociating in the anger too. Now I am calmer I can’t believe I posted. So … behind_blue triggers me. So who cares? Shut up Verity! It didn’t need saying. Somebody triggers me and I dissociate and don’t speak from adult, but from hurt child. Not an excuse, but I believe it to be true.
No harm in Sageegirl posting either, as you say. She was protecting herself and BBE and the group. We’re all in high self-protect mode. In my case that’s my ptsd and I will learn to drop the protective barrier and breeze on through, I hope. I know I didn’t do an evil thing but I am disappointed in myself now I am back in myself, if you see what I mean. Thanks for sharing some of your story with me, I don’t know everybody’s yet. But we all go through the same stuff, I know, in our healing. *hug*I won’t post for a bit though, until I feel more sure that I am posting from a place I want to post from — the wiser part of me. I’ll keep reading. It helps me a lot.
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verity says:
Thank you Delta, very much.
My itchy trigger-finger. It will be sorted and then I will return! It heartens me to read people whowanted to kill their spaths like you and BP did. I know others did too. I’ve never been angry before that I can remember. I didn’t know how to find my anger at all. I have found it now!!! I can only afford therapy once a month now but I’ve just started back after a longish break. It will help.
Back to reading and healing and not reacting for a while. Thanks both! xx
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Delta1 says:
If you do want to know more about my ‘story’ search for ‘tag team’ – I wrote out my story of the last relationship with my ex N there – mainly there on the thread “Sociopaths drag their families into the con”. Not at extreme as some stories – but was kind of the end of a long line of ‘cr**py hands’ in relationships. LOL
Delta1
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bulletproof says:
Verity….Well for what it’s worth…I think waiting until you are in a “wiser” frame of mind is sending yourself a message you can’t be angry here, can’t make mistakes, put your foot in it, feel like a complete idiot…But you know best and I respect your need for a break from posting….dont wait too long and please don’t become too wise…I kinda like you the way you are! swanning off for your self righteous bubble bath…snort
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verity says:
Bwahahaha! What am I like?? ‘New, Self-Righteous by Radox: for those moments when you just want to hit … and run.’
I can’t ignore posts so stop talking to me, hehe. I’ll look like I’m just attention-seeking *whistles, scrapes shoe from side to side innocently*
I won’t be away long. It’s been a rough few days, for one reason and another. I still believe he found me on the healing forum elsewhere and has read all my thoughts on all of it. Heavy bummer. Never mind. See ya later! x
Delta, thanks, I will find it.
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FightAnotherDay says:
Any advice on how to answer this one?
PS the DR. called at 4pm that day.
FightAnotherDay,
Per your email below you said son needed to get additional blood work to confirm if he did in fact have anemia. Did you already take him for the additional blood work, or do you want me to?
I know at his 2 year check up they prescribed him to get the last routine lead test per your e-mail on June 2, 2010. You did not inform me when you were going to take him and that you took him for the blood work on July 26, 2010. I would like to be informed of any and all of his appointments, blood work, tests etc, when you take him, and all results as soon as you get them back and not 9pm at night.
Spath
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Delta1 says:
Hi FAD
Erm WORD SALAD city and gaslight alert.
I would ‘ignore’ other than to keep on with your usual frequency/style of communication. In your next ‘usual’ communication – refer breifly that you noted his request DATE and will naturally continue to updating him of relevant information about ‘child’s names’ medical needs as appropriate.
I would give forwarning of upcoming medical appointments by email, even routine ones if this man has legal Parental Responsibility. Or ask the surgery to send copies of app letter to both of you.. Then you can blame the surgery if they don’t do it!
I would keep a record of medical appointments attended & when and reasons for any missed appointments. If you’re in a custody battle he could be angling to make some daft statement that you’re neglecting your child’s medical needs. YAWN. Let him – and watch him get blown out of the water by your clear and documented log.
His comment about knowing results before 9pm is plainly outrageous – would only apply if your son has critical and immediate threat to his life or very seriously ill.
That little cracker is only there to annoy you and try and try to be controlling. I would just laugh at his transparent if pathetic attempts to assert control where he hasn’t got any – and wouldn’t bother to reply. The first statement covers this point anyway.
Is there anyway of communicating via a 3rd party (lawyer, family member, mediator) so as to go NO CONTACT with this a**clown and stop him using gaslighting techniques in his contacts with you ostensibly about the child.
Blessings
Delta 1
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shana31 says:
I did it. Can’t really believe that in reality it has taken me so long, when I have been bouncing it around in my head for months. Probably the main reason I bookmarked this page, I knew the day would finally come when I would go to that Yahoo account, delete every letter we have ever exchanged, along with every bit of helpful info I had cut and pasted in my quest to make sense of the betrayal, lies and deceit. Serial daters, losers, sex addicts, psychopaths, sociopaths, you name it, I have read it. I felt a momentary twinge of sadness, but when it was done, I felt a sense of freedom inside me and the almost maniacal laugh that bubbled up should do me good.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Thank you, Kay!!
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OxDrover says:
DEar Shana31,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
FAD: Delta is right 100% “not at 9 at night” LOL ROTFLMAO
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SageeGirl says:
Verity- you are forgiven ((hugs)). I don’t hold grudges. In fact, I never get angry with people… but something about the way you “hit and ran” set me off last night.
Maybe it was the fact that I have been angry with my S/P. In fact, I broke the NC rule and texted him to tell him that I wanted my money back. He said he would get it to me as soon as he could… That’s a tiny bit of progress… But I still have that urge to smash all his truck windows when I see it parked at the store. And I have been doing my damnedest to avoid him…
Or maybe it was the fact that the police were here yesterday about the stalking case (the S/P’s ex was stalking me for a year). The DA said that there were two options: 1) Talk to her and tell her that if she does it again, she will be charged with a felony. 2) Charge her with the misdemeanor and sit down with a mediator with her and talk… I told him that I would be willing to have him call her and set up a meeting for the two of us…I really want to know why she was calling me… after coming here, I realize that she may have been trying to warn me…
Or maybe it is the fact that I was charged by a mother bear twice last year, and when I saw your post, I was mirroring her behavior and going into protection-mode!!! LOL!!! JK… Seriously, though, that did affect me… I went online after the episodes and watched these macho guys with harpoons and cameras and guns and all sorts of weapons when they were charged by bears… they all screamed and ran… I wasn’t even wearing a belt, and the bear came about 35 feet from me—and I turned and ran- but never uttered a sound… I felt so “Macho” LOL!
Maybe you should get angry with your spath. I’m not sure I understand this- is he really dead- or are you just telling yourself that to not think about him? Because if he is alive, then that is a good place to focus your anger- after all, isn’t that one of the reasons you ARE angry?
Perhaps the twitching you felt was something that the spath triggered in you…and you felt it in those posts that irritated you. The same way that your hit and run approach triggered the response in me… It was similar to the approach that my S/P uses to discard me.
OK AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! Now, I hope we all feel better….maybe we need to have a purging thread…
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FightAnotherDay says:
Delta,
This is my first time meeting you and it has been a pleasure.
Thank you so much for the advice, and the wake-up especially.
The gaslighting is still hard for me to see though I’ve been here for over a year.
I took our son to the Lab. this morning. So I had to write back to the ****wit. Kept it short and simple.
PS his number is in my phone as “ignore”. LOL just a friendly reminder for me.
Thanks again,
Fight
One of my favorite mood-lifters:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsM2eFJO8J0
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Delta1 says:
Yay Shana 31 – you go girl. F***ing brilliant luv.
Blessings
Delta 1
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Delta1 says:
Hiya FAD
It was my pleasure! I hate these kind of ‘rubbish’ communications from power mad Cluster B’s. I have to deal with them alot for ‘work’ (Child Protection Social Worker) – I find repeating bland, unemotional statements of fact works really well to just get them to give up eventually.
If your Spath doesn’t like what you have to say – don’t get involved in the detail too much or argue the toss. I often use “I refer you back to my statement made on DATE ” until the person concerned just gives up. I save this for hardcore abusers who are trying to lank my chain personally or professionally and to try to make me their ‘b**tch’ just because I am professionally/legally bound to engage with them to some degree. It’s pure boundary setting. I also tell abusers when and where I will agree to communicate with them i.e – you can have 1 hour of my time once per week via email- you can discuss 3 issues with me and not more. Etc etc. Really shows em who’s boss. I’m doing that person a favour really by teaching them some manners!
I state – if there’s an emergency contact this number and I will consider whether I am available to return the call it as soon as I pick up the message.
This gives you the power to ignore every contact that doesn’t fit your definition of an ‘emergency’ – also to clearly state. I did not get back because I do not view this matter as urgent/an emergency. Really slays em – be prepared for fireworks the 1st time or two – there’s usually a massive tantrum. Quite useful to record and use in evidence later. A normal person would not react with a tantrum to a normal setting of boundaries or by violating your boundaries – so I don’t consider this unethical. Oh yes back Spath em’ I say.
The only downside is they’ll try another tack and probably take it out on your child. However – short term pain, long-term gain as the child will begin to see them for what they are hopefully.
I have never found that standing up to bullying backfires too badly if you really mean it.
Blessings
Delta 1
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shana31 says:
Thanks OxD and Delta1!!
I may have pitched some good stuff with the bad, but if I had stuck around to dissect it all, I may not have done it. I’ll just chalk it up to computer virus or a natural disaster, hmmm it’s got a name but I won’t post it.
from my favorite movie…”The things you own, end up owning you.”
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bulletproof says:
Verity you have given me an idea for a range of luxury bath products called ‘psychopath’ ….a new range from Poolicious….by Red Flag
yes….beautiful packaging….gorgeous…enticing… scents, fabulous..irresistably designed bottles….
but when you go to put some in your bath you find there is nothing in the actual bottle… thinking there is some mistake you go to customer services to get your money back…the company policy will be that it is YOUR fault for buying a product that never once said anywhere there was anything IN the bottle….
when you protest but why would you sell an empty bottle…company policy will say because people are fools…….you will say in disbelief…but how could you do that don’t you care about people and ripping them off…..No No No Customer services shall say on behalf of Poolicious… we don’t care in the slightest
You learn a valuable lesson and we get your money that really you are too stupid to own in the first place…..I think I will turn it into a short story for children…ha ha …and make it essential reading
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blueskies says:
Brilliant BP… would make a great short story for grown ups too:)
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behind_blue_eyes says:
Verity;
I hold nothing against you. More important, I am sorry that I trigger you.
Think of this, if I was able to trigger you, think of what he did to me. He triggered issues in me that were gone for over 20 years.
A year ago, a was in an argument with the friend I was with. “Why are you hung up on this guy. You are so much better than him, he is trash…” Of course I defended the x-spath and stopped talking to that friend for the rest of the year.
Last night, I was at the Heart concert. Some of the comments by Ann Wilson, and some of the songs, especially the new song “WTF” really got me thinking. After the show, I walked around Chelsea thinking how good I felt about myself, my life and my future.
I am so glad now that last month happened to me. Only though that darkness, I was able to see the light.
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Genevieve79 says:
Wow this email is like reading one that my brother’s partner sent after another one of their arguments. Since their last blow up I’ve suspected she might be spath. The first time she saw me after they had reconciled, she stared me down in my own parents kitchen when he was out of the room! She was brazen, aggressive. Didn’t say a word but I felt like I was being sized up. I felt so intimidated – you know how you can feel someone’s eyes upon you burning into you? The atmosphere could be cut with a knife. It was WEIRD! I think she was sizing me up to see how far she could push it. She doesn’t know I think this about her or how much personal reading I’ve done on this subject. I’m not going to tell her lol. But her other personality traits include physical and verbal abuse towards my brother, alcoholism, chronic lack of money, willingness to rip people off eg by not disclosing the full truth sometimes about items she is selling online to name but a few. Funnily enough about what Franklee Speaking has said about them being psychic – she always seems to text when you think iof her, even my mum has thought it weird. She certainly seems to have a psychic connection thing going on – must be all that crazy energy they give off. My mum ascribes positive supernatural reasons for it because she looks like a deceased but much loved aunt of hers. I say this is part of the manipulation- just because she looks like her on the outside doesn’t mean she is as nice as our family member on the inside!
My brother told me she stared me down like she did because she was embarrassed. Nah – that wasn’t an embarrassed humble girl six years my junior in my parent’s home, it was a brazen aggressive tyrant who was determined to show me who was boss! I’ve said no more on the subject but my god do I now have my reservations about her.
It’s very hard for me to be around her now, I actually feel sick around her because of what passed between us in that kitchen. Yet nobody is taking me seriously…. The only thing I can hope for is that they break up one day. They’re not married, just cohabiting. I really don’t think I can cope with her for a sister in law after that kitchen episode….And that email wow! Everyone was taken in by it – my mum ‘oh she’s truly sorry bless her’ WTF??!!! Thank you for the validation of my suspicions I so truly needed! xx
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one_step_at_a_time says:
bp – i laughed ALOUD THROUGH YOUR WHOLE POOLICIOUS POST!
i think you could add someting like – company policy states that it was your responsibility to ask whether or not their was anything in the bottle…
make sure EB sees this. she’ll pee her pants!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
FAD – i like your using ‘ignore’ on your cell phone to designate the spath! I am going to use that one!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Delta1 – your post to FAD about boundaries is great. I am going to print it off and read it a few times. I am in a new work environment and I am going to learn some new boundary setting techniques. i don’t want to be ‘so accommodating’ any freaking longer.
the spath used to yammer on about people needing to be flexible and so have a couple of my dysfucntional employers. I always aspired….but there is no end to the contortions and i want to practice BOUNDARIES instead of emotional calisthenics!
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bulletproof says:
Genevieve79
Yes the close up psychic encounter with evil is hard to describe to people who have not experienced it….but I think the psychic ability is yours not hers, YOU think of her and she rings…etc some of that is intuition trying to warn you to watch this it’s dangerous.
The P had a power…but it was his complete lack of conscience..he would use his instinct like a tracker to lead him to the stuff he wants…and it isn’t love, or spirit or a happy ending….it’s material things, duping people as a sport and laughing at people caught up in emotions he does not have.
There is an animal instinct…not supernatural powers but maybe they are one in the same thing….he knew how to twist the knife for maximum pain value but I knew there was a space in my mind he could never get to, and that was my spiritual grasp of life over his material grasp over me…I win out…IF I can shed him from my energy
every child woman and man murdered at the hands of these monsters always win out in the end…there is an untouched part that the creeps can never have…and that’s the spirit…or the soul…and if they can’t have it… they unconsciously want to snuff it out in anyone who has….but it never goes out…no matter what the morons do
I often think of missing people, murdered children, people….their spirit still lives on along side the eternal black nothingness of a psychopath….enough…now time to go out and breathe the air and enjoy this beautiful day in front of me, I appreciate it more since the P…Sageegirl talked about feeling sorry for them eventually…I can see that happening….in time.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
My x-spath internalized at lot of anger and masked it with his small stature and british charm. Even in my short time with him, I was several instances, all directed at me or something I did. Each time, it was an action or gesture on my part raising the intimacy level. After once such incident, I even remember thinking that this guy has intimacy problems unlike any I had ever seen.
Everyone has issues and one of the many reasons I “connected” with him was a sense that we not only has some common ones, but there were issue in me he could fix and that there were issue in him I could fix. If you could make one “Jhon” out of the two of us, that person would be exactly what each wanted for themselves.
One of his main issues is his small stature. He is only 5’8″, thin build, no musculature. Everything physical about him is small. Physique is not my problem; I am tall, athletic, very strong. The thought of somebody with my strength and his sociopathic, sadomasochistic mind is frightening.
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verity says:
Oh, there the post is SageeGirl. Charged twice by a mother bear! Good grief. Anyway, you asked if I shouldn’t be giving my anger to the spath, but I can’t speak to him any more without losing what is left of my mind. He said last time that he should have knocked some sense into me when he had the chance. Can’t speak to that …
“Poolicious….by Red Flag” –Bulletproof, you always make me smile. Thanks for that. x
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SageeGirl says:
Hi Verity, I think what I was asking is that can you direct your anger at him in some way? I don’t mean physically, I mean internally- or whatever the correct way of doing it would be… I’m no therapist, and I have no intentions of going to one- so I don’t know much about “how to deal”— except to crawl until I can walk and then to “fake it till I make it!
I have a tendency to become paralyzed when I am angered or in shock over something- to the point that I can’t say anything. Maybe that’s better than lashing out- who knows?
Yes, BP, I thought your idea was brilliant…do you work in marketing or something?
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bulletproof says:
aw thanks folks! I’m glad you enjoyed my marketing story…no I don’t work in marketing…just forced to consider being conned by a psychopath…and how their reasoning is actually logical and rational..that’s the scary thing…people surmise..well she was really stupid to fall for that in the first place….and it’s a good lesson…kinda plays into their hands doesn’t it? they get off scot free….
Sageegirl that sounds like the ‘freeze’ response ….Rabbit in the headlights…it would also indicate good ability to deny what’s going on and kind of ‘ hope it goes away’ which is a useless defence against Mr. Despicable
Charged twice by a mother bear!!!you ran then..that’s because it’s obvious danger..but with these slime balls you don’t know what the hell is going on until it’s too late and then left devastated as the truth unfolds…it’s never obvious with a P they are the artful dodgers, the tricksters…like you didn’t already know but I just feel this need to describe it every day at least once so I can be free the rest of the day…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
‘remind yourself of the obvious so that it doesn’t become invisible’
don’t know where i found that quote, but i put it on the front page of my daytime for 2009
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one_step_at_a_time says:
bp – the poolicious piece was really really smart. and i AM a marketer.
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bulletproof says:
oh are you? well thank you very much!! how are you doing? you sound …I don’t know much much stronger…more energy…how’s the neurofeedback going?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
the neurofeedback is da bomb! really making a huge difference. i have distinctly heard happy in my voice a few times in the last week.
and having a paycheck. omg. having a paycheck. a good one. and with the paycheck came the car rental and with the car rental came some freedom that i can’t achieve with my effed up in pain body, and psychologically that is amazing for me.
one step. one step,no, two steps forward. lost of nerves and fear around a few things, feel real vulnerable about them…but there is progress.
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bulletproof says:
wow that’s just great! good for you! major steps forward…you took alot of action that made a difference and it’s so cool to see all the posting and talking…really coming on leaps and bounds.
The vulnerability is hard, I hear you on that one…the feeling like a walking wounded only everyone thinks you are fine…there is nothing to signal that we have been really hurt…and under pressure it’s tough not splurting out what happened to send this life off the tracks….
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blueskies says:
One-step! Now I get to give YOU a great big TOWANDA!!!Xxx I just started working ‘properly’ too, the proper paycheck that goes with it is a big relief… I plan to spend the next two years paying everything off I can possibly pay off and building up some savings again. I still dont drive (??!! I know!!!!) but I will be by the end of this year you mark my words… yes, transport = freedom to do stuff! Even if its just taking crap to the TIP!:)
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bulletproof says:
blueskies
Congratulations!! how resiliant you truly are…Little by little we can get it back…get it ALL back…. xx
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blueskies says:
Resiliant IS NOT a word I’d ever use to describe me. But i’ll take it.x Thank you Bullet:)xx
this is COMPLETELY random but I read this book last night, it was good. I love this woman’s grown up books… her Winter and Summer books are beautiful… I grew up with her children’s character’s… and her ‘CREEPS’ now hold a whole new meaning for me:)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/book.....e-deceiver
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JoyFull says:
Okay here’s a scenario — Husband calls wife sounded excited as he shares with her that the man who was killed recently in an auto accident in our neighborhood was the husband of he couple we recently met at neighbors social. Wife waited as he continued to jolt her memory as there were many couples there. You know, the one with the real pretty face, but kind of big, where she worked and that they loved to fish and hunt. Wife now understands which couple. Husband goes on to tell that her husband had just retired from the Army and that this woman had showed up where he worked to have her car fixed. Husband says, I didn’t know it was the same couple we met at party and I asked this woman how was her husband. Husband then says, oh and she wanted to see about calling (me) to get her sons hair fixed. The whole time I’m listening to husband tell this story of what just happened. Feeling sick in my gut. Not understanding why. Then it hit me, never once did husband say how sorry he felt for the family, or that he felt like a fool for asking how her husband was.
So, I sat there for 30 minutes after I hung up and just felt sick. Beating myself up and desperately looking for a reason to justify husbands reaction to this.
I want others opinions, am I the crazy one. I will tell you what I concluded about the whole thing.
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bulletproof says:
too many husbands..not enough time….but I will guess your husband has no empathy? no shame barometer…no soul..no feelings and yes you would feel so sick….I have felt the same in relation to the P who would not show any sympathy for animals and babies….sorry if you can’t do that then I’m lost and in trouble…I dedicate the rest of my life to loving animals and children because of the P….so he is doing the planet a service…what do YOU need to do????
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ErinBrock says:
Joyfull:
With little info…..
I’m thinking your husband ‘may’ be having an affair……..or thinking about this with this woman.
He’s trying to familiarize you with her and use your empathy to hide behind.
That’s my take.
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OxDrover says:
That was my instinctive take on it too EB. I also agree at the lack of empathy for the loss for the family.
So what’s with your marriage and thoughts about this Joyful? Why the questions in the first place?
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kim frederick says:
Ditto.
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Rosa says:
Joyfull:
You say, “I want others opinions, am I the crazy one. I will tell you what I concluded about the whole thing.”
I love a good cliffhanger. But if you have already come to a conclusion, why do you need anyone else’s opinion???
And why not just share your conclusion, instead of withholding it like you are doing??
You know your situation better than anyone here.
Trust yourself and your gut.
If you already came up with a conclusion, it’s probably correct.
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JoyFull says:
oxy, you nailed it with my conclusion. I think that is what sickened me even more than the complete lack of compassion or mention of what it has done to her children and family. Is that his excitement over it all was that “wow, a potential opportunity, and yes even telling me that she mentioned she wanted to call me about getting her son’s hair fixed, or maybe he made that part up, just to encourage me to become more acquainted with her for his agenda. This is the worst sort of manipulation yet and I have seen this type before.
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JoyFull says:
I guess it would be no different that he his only concern was “oh man, great opportunity. I should know, 2 days after my father died while we were living in Fla, hubby drives me to boat dealership and tried to work his magic and charm to get me to finance a big boat for him. I was in shock, numb, and still can’t wrap my mind around that sort of thing.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Joyful,
And you are married to this piece of chit WHY?
ps. it is difficult to wrap your head around the fact that your “beloved” is conning you for money, sex and/or favors. I imagine he decided your dad left you some money so HE COULD GET A BOAT! Typical P behavior.
Rosa is right about VALIDATING OURSELVES though. REad and learn about psychopaths, then compare your H to a psychopath if the GLOVE FITS, CONVICT and dump his sorry arse! Don’t double think yourself either.
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JoyFull says:
OxDrover – For now, I am working very part time, we have sex maybe 3 times a year and the only other reason I can figure he stays around is because he desperately wants to keep up appearances. e are told constantly by others that see us together that he is a very lucky man, that I am a beautiful woman, it makes him look and feel good ( for the moment). He would ultimately sabotage this marriage (maintaining control) than to simply tell me that he isn’t finding the thrills with me that he so desperately lives for. He craves excitement. For now I am stuck, no financial resources, my mother (with dementia) is living with us and a few weeks back he wrote an email to my other siblings demanding money from them or their time so I could go out and work full time or if they didn’t, they would not be welcome in our home. I have friend on FB, a man who was friends of my family, husband fooled this man and this man congratulated husband on how I deserve a good man and that hubby is a good man. My friend does not know husband personally but heard about what he did to defend me by writing the email to may family concerning my mother. My friend actually wrote on FB that he wanted to meet my husband one day and shake his hand…that it would be an honor. I almost gagged.
So for now, I am currently filling out applications for my mother for an assisted living place back in NY, and once she is comfortable and situated, I will go back to work full time, save all I can and leave this insane world I live within.
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bluejay says:
Joyfull,
I sympathize with you, being in a difficult spot, not having the financial resources (currently) to exit (your situation) as quickly as you’d like to. Keep your eye on the goal, knowing that you’ll reach it one day (hopefully sooner than later). You’re not alone.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Joyful,
I’lm with BlueJay, it is a terrible squeeze between “the devil and the deep blue sea”—-I hope your sibs will come across with some money to help your situation (squirrel some of it back) In fact, save a few dollars a month back in cash–even if it is only $5 or $10 a month, start your stash now, whatever you can lay hands on that he won’t miss.
Also get copies of all IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS from mortgage papers, SS#, tax filings, his wages statements, bank statements, credit card statements, cart titles and any payment books. GET copies of EVERYTHING and keep it safe and together. Eventually you will need these copies when filing for a divorce so keep them current.
Good luck and keep yer chin up! (((Hugs))))
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bulletproof says:
JoyFull -Yes Bluejay says it well…”keep your eye on the goal” once you are working towards freedom, the universe will flood you with help eventually, with a few tests along the way…keep going….you are amazing!!!
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