Loving ourselves—one piece at a time
PDF By Ox Drover
One of the things we hear frequently on LoveFraud and in self help books we might read is to “love yourself.” This sounds like great advice, but the thing is no one ever tells me exactly how to do this.
Some suggestions for increasing my “self love” and “self esteem” given in various books and articles are to use “positive affirmations” such as “I am wonderful,” or some other positive self talk that I should repeat over and over inside my head until I eventually start to believe it.
Even though I might say these phrases over and over, no matter how positive and “self affirming” they may sounds, somehow I never seem to truly believe them. After saying them over and over inside my head somehow there’s a little voice that repeats “Yeah, RIGHT!” in a scoffing tone.
If anyone knows my faults, it is surely me, and somehow I just have problems saying and truly believing the large statement, “I am wonderful!”
One of the things that really bothered me of late is “getting old.” I look in the mirror and see my grandmother’s face looking back. I really hate to have my photograph taken because I look at them and see this fat caricature of my youthful self looking out of the photograph. I started on a calorie control diet to lose some weight, and looked at my skin which has more than a few dark sunspots and a liberal supply of “laugh lines” (read: wrinkles). I pound on myself internally for not listening to my grandmother and staying out of the boiling sun until I became bronzed when I was young. The sunscreen I slather on now does little good now that my skin is starting to resemble the Marlboro man. How can I like myself when I look the way I do and there’s not much I can do at this late stage in the game to improve myself?
Even if I lose the excess weight, all I will accomplish is to let the “air” out of the wrinkles that the excess fat smoothes out somewhat.
So because I was feeling pretty bad about how I looked , and really, there wasn’t much at 63 years old I could do, outside of extensive plastic surgery I couldn’t afford, I decided to work on loving myself the way I look today, rather than bemoaning the fact I no longer look like I did “back then.” If I could tackle that and succeed, I could tackle anything.
One of the things I used to do was stand in front of the mirror and pull the skin on my cheeks back, like a doctor would in a face lift, smoothing out the wrinkles and the line from my nose to the corner of my mouth, imagining how I would look after a face lift. One evening doing some rare television watching I saw a former “sex goddess” movie star, now probably nearing 70, doing a guest shot on a series. She had obviously had copious plastic surgery and she looked like a caricature of her former self, almost like a melted Barbie doll. Looking at her face, and at her attempts to continue to “look young” through the marvels of modern surgery –surgery that seemed laughable, I threw back my head and I laughed.
Sure, I looked like my grandmother at my age, and I had loved that face—on her, but I was going to learn to love that face on myself. I was going to learn to love myself, starting with my body. Not the body I would have when I lost twenty pounds, or the face that I would have after I had extensive plastic surgery, but the face I have today!
How could I go about learning to love my body the way it is, the face the way it is? Well, first of all, it wasn’t going to be accomplished by standing in front of the mirror and asking, “mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of us all?” I am no longer a beautiful young girl with creamy smooth skin, but that doesn’t mean my body or my face isn’t okay.
My body is a marvelous machine, wrinkled or smooth, my skin, the body’s largest organ, does an excellent job of keeping me free from bacteria and viral attackers, of cooling and heating my inner body, and evaporating sweat! It is well designed for its purpose. It does a great job!
People have always said my eyes are so expressive, and they really are! I can shoot a look out of them that my kids used to say would turn you to a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife if I were angry! They are still expressive but much more inclined now to smile and crinkle at the corners with laughter. They still see far away very well, but I have to have reading glasses up close, but that’s okay. My eyes really work very well and I like them.
My hair is still thick and heavy, and has always been a good feature even now that some of the strands are turning silver. The silver in my hair, which I’ve never dyed, almost looks like an expensive frost job! I wear it in a style that’s becoming, not trying to look like the sex goddess gone to pot with flowing tresses down to my waist, or cropped close and permed into a “poodle do” with a bluish cast, but natural. I really do like my hair!
My legs are still shapely, well muscled and firm from decades of walking and riding horses, I really do like my legs. They work very well and generally don’t hurt, all the joints freely function, and I can still kneel or stretch. I’ve really got great legs with slim ankles.
My back is a pretty good back, sometimes it has let me down a bit and ached after a hard day’s work, but I haven’t always been very good to it. I think I will try to be more accommodating to my back. I’ve worked it awfully hard all these years so I’m going to be better to it. I’ll do some stretching exercises before going out to work, and I’ll use my legs more to do the heavy lifting than misusing my back muscles. I really am fortunate to have such a great back, considering how inconsiderate I have been to it all these years. Yes, I can be proud of my back.
I remember how flat my abdomen used to be, back before I had children, and it’s not that flat now, but it really is a pretty good belly after all. It works well, it’s never let me down or made me seriously ill. Sometimes I don’t give it enough fiber and it complains to me when I mistreat it, but I think it has a right to tell me if I am not being good to it. Actually, there’s still a smattering of a waist there in spite of the fact it’s a bit over weight, but overall, I can’t complain about my abdomen. Actually, I think I like it pretty well and I don’t know anyone I would trade bellies with. Yep, my belly is A-ok.
The thing I have always been the proudest of in my entire self is my mind and my memory. Testing high on the “Bell Curve” of the intelligence test has given me a verification that “I’m smart.” Not just an opinion about my intellectual ability, but an actual objective piece of data. That always felt good. I generally made good grades in school and was at the top of my class if I even gave a modest effort to succeed in school, or in my job. That gave me a bit of pride, though I did realize that this was nothing I had done for myself or achieved for myself, but was a God-given attribute like my health and stature, it was more the result of my genetic make up than anything I did or didn’t do.
After my husband’s death in a tragic accident, to which I was a witness, I lost my mind. I lost my ability to remember things in minute detail. I panicked at realizing this, and even when my psychiatric physician and my therapist assured me that “it will get better, it won’t always be this bad,” I had great difficulty believing them. I was “not as good” as I previously was, forgetting many things, having holes in my memory for things I previously would have remembered without any effort. Finally, I complained about this so much that my therapist administered an IQ test, in which I still scored even a bit higher than I had ever scored previously. My mind is still good, and there is objective evidence of this. However, I know it doesn’t work the same as it did before the aircraft crash, before the ultimate stressor. I do have short term memory lapses, but that’s okay. I’m still me. I’m still smart, and what the heck does it really mean that my spelling has gone to hell, or that I can’t remember if I took the meat out to thaw for supper? Will the world end because of this? Does this mean I don’t have the intellect to make a rational or logical decision? Does this mean that I am “defective” and “no good” or “worthless” because I reach for a word, a simple word and can’t find it even though I can see the picture of a tree in my mind but can’t find that word? No, it doesn’t mean anything. I am still me. I still have a good mind, just different than before. I like my mind, my intellect, my ability to problem solve and even though it makes new learning more of a challenge, I still grasp large concepts, though I may no longer easily remember the name of the author. I have a good mind. I have a good intellect. I still like my brain even though it isn’t the same as before.
My “heart” both figuratively and physically, I like both of them. My physical heart has beaten well and steadily for 63 years now, and my physician has tested it and declared it a healthy heart. I depend on it to keep on beating well for more years into the future. I’ve tried to be good to it, by getting exercise and though I have mistreated it by smoking, I have decided to stop doing things that will injure my good heart, so I have stopped smoking cigarettes. I eat a “heart healthy” diet low in bad fat and other things that might damage it. I am happy with my heart.
My emotional “heart” is also something that I like. It is a compassionate heart and empathetic to others in pain. It is a generous heart, and one that will share the blessings of life that it has with others. In the past, my emotional heart has sometimes given too much to others and not enough to itself or to me, so I have talked to this heart and discussed a way that it can still be a generous and compassionate heart, but to also care for itself first. If my emotional heart gives all the blessings to someone else, it will not survive, so my emotional heart has learned to care for my body and itself first, so that I may continue to share with others. I like that about my emotional heart. My emotional heart is a good heart.
Looking over my body, mind and emotional heart piece by piece, I find that I like each individual unit just as it is. It isn’t perfect, it isn’t young any more, but it has matured with some grace and in many ways is far superior over all to the body, mind and emotional heart I had as a youngster. The packaging may be a bit wrinkled, but I wouldn’t change my body for anyone else’s, and I wouldn’t give up the maturity that I have gained with life and living.
So, I have found a way to learn to love myself, one part at a time, to enjoy living within the skin that protects me from the elements, and to savor the good parts of myself. I’m learning to love myself in a positive way rather than just chanting “affirmations” that are so vague and positive but have no real substance to my inner spirit who dwells in this mortal temple. I like my temple, I like my body, I like myself. I’m unique to me. I’m special. I’m one-of-a-kind, and I’m okay!
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
hens says:
spath meet’s spath?
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
i didn’t see all of the video – having some streaming issues – only saw the swerving of the bus. i don’t really care what the cyclist did – it’s still vile. you don’t hit a person with a bus.
unless i am driving and it’s jsj on the bike. then we can talk.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
what was that old comic – spy vs. spy?
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skylar says:
One,
jsj is a walking train wreck already. The worst thing you can do to her is give her rope. It’s unfortunate that she’ll swing around wildly and crash into other people while hanging herself. The spaths are gonna do that anyway.
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Louise says:
one/joy:
Yes, I pray all the time the loop will end sooner or later. So far, no luck, but one day it will be all better
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
Sky – hehe, she would do some damage swinging from the end of the rope.
louise – it will change, some day. i believe this.
peace out all. xo
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Stargazer says:
Sky, I hope you’re wrong about us never getting over childhood wounds. I need to have some hope in my life that I can have a healthy relationship. Just one is all I ask.
And hens, I think you should be able to hit those bicyclists, too.
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skylar says:
Star,
I think we can have a healthy relationship, it just requires honesty on BOTH sides. Good luck with that!
I mean, we are all the walking wounded, some more than others. The problem is that some of us are forthright about it and some of us are not. That’s just my assessment. It might be all wrong.
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darwinsmom says:
sky, I’d say that at least the bus driver’s the spath. Actually not so sure about the biker. Because they were nearing a traffic light and it is quite possible that the biker had intended to turn right after the light, and so he would have needed to go from the left side of the road to the right side, crossing across the middle lane. And I’ve noticed that bycicle riders in my country, who have “weak vehicle protection” and almost licence to do everything (don’t think it’s any different in the UK) actually will permit themselves a lot, not really even understanding the impact on others on the road, or their own safety. The spath bikers imo are the ones that bike on the pedestrian pavement. Hate those.
Most bikers, unless they drive a car themselves, just don’t realize how some of their behaviour is unsafe.
I read from the article that the bus had been driving too close behind the biker, which is why the biker stopped and confronted the bus driver about it. I wouldn’t necessarily call that taunting.
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darwinsmom says:
Star,
I believe we can overcome childhood wounds… but it requires honesty towards ourselves and many experiences to realize and overcome it. Of course in the meantime, we get new adult wounds loaded on top of the child scars.
I once read a comparison that by the time you’re a senior you’ll have a heart that looks a bit like a rag doll, all sowed together like patch work. But that it also makes for a colourful, hippy flower power heart
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Stargazer says:
I’m trying, guys, but it’s so hard – I’m lapsing into depression. I did make some sounds last night. It really does help to move energy, but this feels so big and overwhelming, it never ends. As soon as I stop, I shut down, and there is this big wall.
I had a dream last night that I went to my boss’ house. Her daughter was there and we were hanging out. The daughter is somewhat on the sociopathic side. She was continuously busy cleaning while I was there but we were having a conversation. Then I mentioned to her how nice it must be that the bus stops right in front of her house to take her to school. 10 seconds later, the bus stopped, and she ran off and got on it without even saying good-bye. So her mom (my boss) came home. We were hanging out and trying to eat dinner, but she was very distracted. Then she asked me, “Why do you hate so much?” I said, “What do you mean? I don’t hate.” But she insisted. So I started to tell her about my abandonment issue and how if someone even looks away while I’m talking, I feel abandoned. I knew she would never understand (like no one else does). But as I was telling her, she got a phone call and got distracted and had to leave. And there I felt abandoned again. Story of my life.
I felt that part of this was a commentary on Western culture – that most people are too busy to sit down and connect with one another. My boss is a very caring and compassionate person, and she would do anything for me. But she has had so much going on in her life lately, that she has not been able to be there for me through the death of my cat or anything else lately. I don’t fault her for it, but it would have been nice to get a phone call over the weekend while I was grieving. But the rest of the dream is about my deep loneliness and inability to connect with others because they keep inadvertantly triggering my abandonment issues.
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skylar says:
Star,
thanks for expressing that. It really helped me to understand a bit better.
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Ox Drover says:
Star, it sounds like your expectations of others to meet your needs and them failing to do so is depressing you very much.
I can relate to the “abandonment” issues, but what Ii have found is that I have to learn to meet my own needs rather than depend on someone else to meet them.
My first husband “left me”–deserted me if you will, kids included, and I was bereft of the security that being emotionally dependent on him gave me. I had to find my own, and I did….and 7 years later I remarried, and then I put my dependence for security and then He “left” me (by dying) and I was again abandoned and bereft of security. I felt I had to find another man to give me the security I needed….and I hooked up with a psychopath. After a rough 8 months, I kicked him to the curb, but was again bereft, felt unloved and unloveable, unworthy…but no I realize that I must support myself, must meet my own needs.
Sure I can reach out to friends, but I can’t expect them to READ MY MIND and call when I want them to.
I know you were grieving over your cat and your boss may have known you were grieving, but she did not know that you were expecting her to reach out to you and call you over the weekend. I suspect if she had known that you wanted that she would have done so, but she CAN NOT READ YOUR MIND.
I think the question in the dream about “why are you always so angry?” may have been a TELL from your subconscious. Maybe you might want to examine why. Many times there were TELLS like that in my dreams when I was processing things.
Meeting our own needs rather than expecting others to meet our needs EMPOWERS US because then our security is internal and no one can offend it or take it away. (((hugs)))
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carriesguns says:
stargazer-try this one.
this is my world too. as in:
THIS IS MY WORLD TOO!!!
that’s what they mean when they say “you are a child of God” you know.
what God has given you,let no one take from you.
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darwinsmom says:
Star,
Is it alright if I make an attempt at an empowering interpretation for you. I get the impression in that dream that your boss and her daughter had another role than the literally one.
Houses tend to represent your soul and self. It never really matters whose house it is, whether it looks like the one you live in or not. If everything happens in one house, it tends to symbolize you. It wasn’t your home really that was used for a projection purpose: there are two key players in that house… a daughter and a mother. This is imo the key component of the dream.
The daughter imo is you, the younger, the more innocent version of you,… the one with a mother. And what is she doing? She’s cleaning up. So, that implies you’re feeling a mess and trying to clean it all up.
You mention how close by the bus stop is. A bus stop indicates that you feel that a decision abut your future needs to be made, a decision about what you want to do in your life. (Can you start to see how this ‘projection’ thing goes)… So you are telling your younger feeling self, your purer self, that she is lucky and free to make life changing decisions now, she is free to do with her life as she wants. She’s free to jump on the bus anytime she wants.
In other words: you are telling yourself that you are now at liberty and free to jump on the bus going to your chosen destination. In a way you are trying to comfort yourself, while you’re cleaning up. You have expressed on LF how you feel you must do some emotional cleaning before taking the bus, but also the sentiments that you are now not bounded to a life in your state anymore, since the loss of your cat.
There are two desires, two needs here, and they seem conflicting each other, which is why you have one projected in another figure who acts out one of the sentiments. The conversation you have thus is an attempt to unify both feelings, while some cleaning still needs to be done.
And then that situation is actually resolved: the bus arrives and the young woman jumps on it, not missing the opportunity. It happens so sudden, that it kinda leaves you baffled. And as you said on LF to me: it’s not because you move to a new country that you leave your issues behind… the issues will go wherever you go.
The next part is about showing you which issues you need to clean up, to resolve, and how you’ve been resolving them.
Now once the daughter is out of the dream, in comes the mother. But remember, the daughter was actually a part of you. So, with the daughter gone, that means you are now the daughter of the boss, and the boss is your mother. I think this is the other reason for the whole projection of yourself with the daughter. Advice and caring and feeling supported is often done by a parental figure in a dream, the dream needed a mother figure, and your boss seemed the best candidate for that role.
So,you’re trying to have dinner and having a conversation. Hunger and food often stand for needs and unfulfilled desires in a dream. It might be important to recall what you tried to eat. But the dream definitely makes clear that you have a hunger for something on an emotional level, and that you feel you’re not getting it. The delaying of the dinner shows what it is that you miss and crave: attention from your mother (the boss, who functions as a mother, in your projection dream). So, here is where the root lies of your abandonment anxiety: you feel your mother neglected to take care of your emotional needs. And that your true mother is unfit for the mother role in your opinion is shown by the fact that your real mother does not operate as a mother figure in your dream, but other women need to take up that role for you.
I think that this projection thing is what you do in your waking life too: I think that on an emotional level you see your therapists, mature friends as someone to take up that mother role for you, in a way to replace your mom. And actually this projection leads to continued abandonment issues: other people may not know or realize that it’s not really friendship or therapy that you seek with them, but a mother figure. And those who do realize what role they are expected to fill in your life may not want to be in that role. In any case, nobody really can be expected to take up that role in a completely satisfying way, because you’re not their daugher really, nor do they have “motherly” feelings for you… so you’re bound to be disappointed all the time then.
The call you wanted your boss to make is one of those expectations from a daughter to her mother: moms should know when their child is upset, and care about it and will not feel free to go to sleep and bed without calling their daughters first to check how they’re doing. And when the one your emotions pointed out to be the mother figure in your life doesn’t do what you expect a mother to do, you feel that abandonment issue again.
Let’s continue with what happens next in your dream: your mother asks you why you hate so much. I agree with Oxy that this may come directly from the subconscious, confronting you with a feeling that you may not even recognize or acknowledge that you feel. It’s not said what you hate… that is for you to figure out. Is it your real mother you hate? Is it yourself that you hate? Is it this need for a mother that you hate? Are it the row of mother figures who did not live up to your child needs? But it’s also possible that your real mother used to blame and tell you that you hate, when you don’t. I’m just throwing these questions around to help you figure it out for yourself. But it may be this “hate” that may be the root cause for projecting mother figures into people who aren’t your mother.
The solution lies in being your own mother, to mother yourself, to become a mother to yourself. And the dream shows you this via the phone call. Phone calls tend to represent your subconscious wanting to make contact with you to confront you with something you’ve been hiding from yourself, what you have avoided to confront in the first place. But it’s not you who picks up the phone, it’s your mother figure. Perhaps the subconscious is explaining the mother figure in you what is going on.
This part of the dream is showing you imo that you need to be your own mother. And that the mother in you needs to understand how the child in you feels.
And in fact the dream is already doing that partly: characters in a dream are always a projection or extension of a piece of you. When my mother appears in my dream I know it’s my mother-self taking care of me, I know it’s not my real mother. Dreams just happen to love to use projection for us to confront, integrate and communicate our needs and feelings.
Your dream actually involves projection upon projection… many layers of projection on top of each other. And the reason for that imo is because you project in your waking life too.
I think it’s time to find the mother in you who’ll take care of your emotional self. She’s been absent for too long in your life.
((((((((((((((Star)))))))))))))
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skylar says:
wow. Darwin’s mom, amazing.
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New Beginning says:
Star, I understand exactly what you are saying. I’ve been in the same position of facing significant loss and no one to turn to for comfort. Thought I had a friend I could rely on but as often happens, people avoid those of us who are suffering. I believe there are several levels to this, from avoidance of reality to assuming “WE” must have done something to cause this to happen. In turn, they decide to distance themselves from us, even if it is on a subconscious level within their own mind but it definitely appears in their actions/inactions.
As Oxy stated, I too have come to realize the ONLY person I can rely on emotionally and financially is myself. I dealt with my mother’s death alone. My two siblings completely abandoned me. They didn’t want my life challenges to interrupt their world. I was rejected by them at our Mother’s funeral. I had NO support. I’m the one who is settling the estate and going through all of her things. They now believe I am stealing from them in some way even though I send them copies of EVERYTHING. It was my mistake to expect even the slightest emotional support from them. They emotionally abandoned their own Mother, of course they weren’t going to be there for me.
Though I am far from being through the process, I have realized at some point in our lives, most of us have to face the realization that all we have is ourselves. The assisted living center my Mom was at was filled with abandoned elderly. Some of them had children living only a few miles away yet their children ignored them even on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is so very heartbreaking yet I too have now experienced abandonment for the holidays. The lesson for me is that I will NOT go through this level of the abandonment/loss experience again because I no longer have expectations from anyone. Zippo.
It’s a hard lesson. The depression is almost unbearable. But there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not the headlight of a train.
When you’ve had a little time to heal, perhaps an occasional visit to an animal shelter will help with the grieving process. I periodically did that for almost six months after losing my previous cat. The animals at the shelter have been abandoned too. They understand alone and scared. They understand depressed. They understand love and need it in their lives as much as we do in ours.
Many heartfelt thoughts going out to you.
~New
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darwinsmom says:
I think it’s a deep, amazing dream that Stargazer had, Sky
Now, I do tend to interpret dreams often from a role transferral and outside-of-yourself projection method… to me dreams are like looking inside yourself and discover a theater play on stage played just for you, where each character represents a role, character or need within you… it’s just difficult to see and understand it clearly if you saw 10x yourself on the stage having conversations with each other. It’s also a theater play where the actors interact with the audience – you, the dreamer. And what you may not always understand consciously, you may have already understood in your dream. Each time a character disappears from the dream-theater stage often signifies that at least subconsciously a resolution and understanding has been realized. But because of the interaction with the audience (you, the dreamer) it can be confusing. you, the audience, is still left mulling over what occurred on stage, but the act has been over and you’re forced to watch act 2 in progress.
In stargazer’s dream this happens when the daughter takes the bus and when the boss-mother picks up the phone and leaves stargazer by herself to understand it. I think it means that the young-spirited Stargazer is ready to take the bus, and I think the mother-Stargazer is also starting to understand Stargazer. Now Stargazer has to integrate it all, unify it for herself.
Projection can be a very powerful and useful tool, but it’s important to realize you’re doing it.
The key to your abandonment feelings imo, Star lie in the mother-child relationship you had with your mother. You have mentioned how hurt you felt by therapists. But I think your dream has now gave you the key to what any therapy needs to tackle for you now: this mother-child relationship that went wrong for you, and it would be helpful to tell them that you may project this unfulfilled need onto them.
My therapist in my mind, embodies a mother-earth energy. She compares in many ways to my mother. She gives me the same sense of down to earth security that I normally have with my own real mother. But because she’s not my mother, it leaves out anxiety and worry my mother would otherwise express to me. My mom is sick with pain, anguish and anxiety for me when she knows I’m not well, and then can sometimes project it in a way as if she feels I’m going through something abnormal that must be treated like a mental disease. My therapist kinda functions as a mother-role to me, but without involving her own fears and worries and concerns. She does, what my mother is able to do for others (be professional and detached) but unable for me. She actually kindof explained it that way when I visited her for my ID-crisis and explained a bit of my mother to me (don’t blame my mother… I guess it goes with being a normal mother and loving your child). My therapist could do this, because my mother was a client a couple of years before I became a client. So, my therapist is like a counterweight to this part of my mom. In that way, my therapist helped me to identify myself as myself, not an extension of my mom’s worries… she was kindof the voice of myself that needed to find my own identity and values and believe in them as valid as much as my mother’s are.
That’s why I think it’s important and helpful that you are able to tell your therapist what your subconscious needs and expectations are from a therapist. A good therapist will not comply to this fully, but will help them to solve and integrate this in an interraction with you, or if they feel they cannot to at least refer you to a therapist who can.
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Stargazer says:
Ugh, I just posted this long post and it disappeared. I’m really overwhelmed right now and spiraling downward. I have been medicating with food, which really is a sign (after losing weight and being so healthy for so long) that I am at a loss as to how to direct my life right now. I feel like I’ve been hit with a ton of bricks. Work was really hard today. For once, I didn’t have it in me to smile and pretend. I was just down. One of my co-workers actually had the nerve to tell me to be positive and happy. Really, is that what you tell people who are deeply grieving an important loss? I didn’t realize how much that cat – my last family member – was my reason for living. Now I feel empty and despondent. The thing that usually pulls me through is having some sort of hope that my life is moving in a positive direction, that I’m healing. But now I am having a lot of doubt that I’ll ever get better. It’s discouraging.
I realize I have to heal my own issues and no one can do it for me. But the burden feels very heavy right now. I’m dealing with the loss of my cat and also the abandonment issues triggered by the neighbor. In addition, my old mortgage company does not realize I sold my place, and they are still sending me delinquent notices. No one over there can help, and I cannot afford an attorney. All of this feels like it’s pinning me down like a ton of bricks, and I’m just going through the motions.
As for the dream, here are some other details for the dream analysts: My boss’ daughter was not just cleaning up any mess. She was cleaning piles and piles of cat poop left by her cat. When I sat down to dinner with my boss, we were in my old dining room where I spent my teenage years. So I do think she was in the dream and in real life somewhat of a mother figure. We were eating different meals. They were both from restaurants, and they were both good, but hers was better – maybe it was from a nicer restaurant (she and her husband are fairly wealthy, so her lifestyle is very different from mine).
I have no therapist and don’t think I would even be able to trust a therapist at this point, nor could I afford any except a free one through my job. I feel like I could use some help but don’t know where to turn. Most therapists really have not been able to help me and have not known what to do or who to refer me to – historically over the years. So I’m pretty discouraged about trying again with a new one.
When my Siamese died, the pain was excruciating, but I managed to get through it. For whatever reason, two years ago I had a lot of support from people. They called, gave me cards, and gave me a shoulder to cry on. For whatever reason, this year I don’t have that support. The few times I’ve reached out, people have been busy. So I’m just kind of on my own here.
I’m just a mess right now. Hope no one out there was looking up to me as any kind of role model cause I’m not it at the moment. Sorry.
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darwinsmom says:
Star,
While you may have to do the healing yourself, that doesn’t mean you have to alone and cannot use support and comfort and a shoulder to cry on.
I don’t think the dream is telling you to do it all alone, but to understand your needs better, and that even if you project the giving of those needs onto someone else, that you realize you are doing that. This knowledge can help you communicate it better imo to the people in your environment.
The dining room is usually an area where visitors can come, it’s the part of you that you show to the outer world, where you have guests… it often stands for the communication with your environment. I did think the cleaning of the daughter probably was related to the loss of your cat. And I also think this loss brought your mother figure need to the forefront in your life.
I’m really sorry about your loss, and how you feel alone in having to cope with it, feel as if your environment is unable to meet your needs. I really wish I could give you a physical hug right now. ((((((((((((((Star))))))))))
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Stargazer says:
In the house where I spent my teenage years (where the dinner in the dream occurred) we rarely ever had guests. My parents didn’t have many friends. The diningroom was like the rest of the house – a solitary place. I’d often find my mom before or after work sitting at the dining room table in her nightgown with her legs propped up, a cup of coffee, and a cigarette, having an imaginary conversation with someone – far away and not present. I don’t have many memories of the table being a social place. In abusive families, there often aren’t other people around because of the shame the family has. We led a very isolated life. It’s part of why we kept moving after a year or two. We even moved across the country. It’s as if my parents didn’t want any friends.
My mother was neglected by her own mother and has a lot of unmet needs in that area too. Whenever I’m around her, she strongly tries to pull me into the role of being her mother. It’s one of the reasons I don’t like to be around her.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
((((Star)))))yahoo group, Angel on my Shoulders for pet grief. wonderful place. I need a reason to get out of bed – to love another. i don’t have a cat and that sucks. i need that kind of structure to help me be my best. it is something i accept about myself. I’d never say this to anyone else, but i will just be forthright with you: get another cat right away. xo have to run off to bed now.
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darwinsmom says:
Thanks for explaining Star. Something in the dream alluded to that possibility: your response to the daughter when she runs for the bus, without saying anything to you anymore. It was as if you wished the child in you to recognize you, and become your mom for a moment.
Even if there rarely were visitors, the dining room remains symbolically at least the most public area of a house. And that was all I tried to mean by it.
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witsend says:
Star,
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time.
I am not good at interpreting dreams. Unless the meaning behind the dream is totally obvious.
I am up close and personal “familiar” with grief though. And unfortunately I think that grief is one of those journeys in life that we do-do alone. Even if we do have someone special in our life. Grief is just such a personal thing. Our “people” can offer us an open ear, support, and try & comfort us….But that is the extent of it.
Sometimes I believe that the most difficult things we have to face in life….We do alone.
Not that we can’t reach out & ask for comfort from our friends. Or come here and vent. Or journal. But the real hard, raw, emotional stuff…The real “WORK” is what I call it. We do that alone.
At least that has been my experience with grief.
Don’t be hard on yourself right now Star. I think being overwhelmed is normal under the circumstances. If you crave a little junk food at the moment I think that is normal to.
Sometimes people don’t know how to properly express their sympathy. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care it just means they don’t know what to do for you. Or they don’t want to say the wrong thing.
I think when we feel overwhelmed we also can feel vulnerable at the same time. And that feeling of vulnerability makes it almost impossible to ask for what we need from those close to us. Those that would like to help.
If there is someone in your life that you know cares about what you are going through….If you are able…Reach out and ask them for what you need right now. Do this with a “safe” person in your life.
I remember that after my husband commited suicide this was a difficult thing for me to reach out to friends when I needed a shoulder to cry on. It was difficult because suicide is just one of those kind of things that everyone has an “opinion” about but not alot of experience dealing with. I had to find a support group to find others with the same experience.
And when this wasn’t possible I journaled. Years later when I read what I wrote during my darkest hours I had to destroy the pages. It was to raw.
But when my mom died I was able to get alot of support when I asked for it from my friends.
I guess what I am saying is that I had to go to the right place/person depending on what my needs/situation was to get the right support.
((Hugs))
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Stargazer says:
I really don’t want another cat right now. And it’s not a good time in my life for me to make that kind of commitment. If I start feeling better, I have been considering teaching English to refugees from other countries on a volunteer basis. I looked into it at one point, and it seemed like something worthwhile. It would build my confidence and let me know if teaching English in Costa Rica is something I actually would enjoy. I’m not feeling too motivated at the moment, though. Too many issues imploding. I have to take one day at a time. This weekend it will be all I can do to do my taxes. And to make myself go to the gym every day. It’s a lot, when I just want to curl up in bed.
Yeah, I can’t reach out right now any more than I already have. If people are busy or don’t understand grieving, there’s not too much I can do about it.
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coping says:
Dearest hens,
I’m not sure if you’re around anymore but I was thinking of you tonight.
For the first time your saying ” we take the crumbs they throw us” made sence and really hit home.
The past year has been rough no doubt.. However today I was thinking of a phrase that has been in my head since jr. Was 5 weeks and I went nc. That phrase was ” he could have done anything”. I never really got what that meant until recently. You see it’s a simple saying that when I think of him it’s the only thong that rings true.
For a long time I thought he could have have hurt me as long as I allowed it. Now I think it’s something else.
I think it means that if he had shown one ounce of humanity I would have forgiven him and taken him back.. In spite of the 7 year restraining order.
I guess life is a funny thing. His cruelty and heartlessness let jr and I free. There were no bread crumbs!
However one day there will be.. It’s a pattern of his.. Not wishful thinking. Obviously. Unfortunately I think of him as a case of herepes.. Laying dormant..however I will never take his shitty crumbs again!!
Time and healing and forgiveness will never take away that knowledge!
Anyway, I got it. Thx. Xo
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hens says:
Hiya Coping, Yes I am always around. I was so guilty of settling for crumbs and being grateful for them. that was because the crumb givers held my self esteem in there hands and crumbs were rewards for my good behavior and keeping them high upon the so called pedastle.
Coping I have come to realize that loving and respecting myself is most important, never will I look for approval for crumbs or rewards. I am a good person and I do good things for people that treat me with respect and dignity. I am who I am and I like me and there are people who love me and people who dont. But I respect myself more than ever and I will never settle for crumbs.
And yes, if the xbf had shown any kind of humanity or remorse for the bad things he had done, it would of made ending the relationship so much less painful, instead we have to deal with the fact they are inhumane heartless and sometime’s dangerous..So all in all we are better people with out them. And it does take time, years, but we do heal and we do get on with a good life…many hugs to you coping..
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New Beginning says:
Star, I understand. We all have our own path to travel and must do it in our own way.
Take care
~New
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New Beginning says:
Well said, Hens.
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New Beginning says:
Star, I’m sorry if I offended.
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Stargazer says:
New, you didn’t say anything even close to offending me. I am just kind of matter of fact sometimes. Don’t take it as me being upset or offended.
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callmeathena says:
Hens,
Me too, settling for crumbs. And I still am, I think.
Your post made me think, or, better said, it’s MAKING me think.
I didn’t realize that I am still settling for crumbs until you said that.
Thanks.
Athena
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callmeathena says:
Stargazer
Thank you for the peek inside your past.
The way you describe your family is very similar to the family of my spath. Isolated.
Hugs to you, and congratulations for rising above it.
Athena
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hens says:
Athena – For most of my life I refused to think about it and pretended everything was ok. Talk about denial. That saying – [ The truth will set you free - but first it will piss you off ] is so true. It was my encounter with the Xspath bf that forced me to take a hard look at the truth of my life and it wasnt pretty. I was so dysfunctional from childhood and to figuratively point a finger at those responsible set me free to think about the truth. Well I got pissed for awhile, but I cant undo or redo the past, so I set myself free to make my own choices and live my authentic self..no more crumbs for me.
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Stargazer says:
Thanks, athena. It’s two steps forward and one step backward for me. I can’t say I’ve totally risen above it, but I’m getting there. XOXO
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hens says:
Star, Two steps forward and one step backwards is moving forward, slow but forward..aint nuthin wrong with that…
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skylar says:
Hens,
today I was just reading some things I wrote about my denial regarding my parents. Wow.
It’s so difficult to look at my parents with clear eyes.
When I was a kid, I could see that they were awful because they didn’t hide it. I hated them. We were just kids and they figured they could abuse us at will. (I guess they didn’t think we’d grow up?) At about age 17, everything changed. They became my best friends. They were so loving and caring (except for a couple of mask slips), I felt so lucky to have these amazing people as my parents.
Then at age 43, the spath’s mask slipped and I began to see the parallels. Then the parents’ masks slipped. (they always do under pressure). I began reading and learning. There was no denying the truth then. But I did anyway. For about two years. It was such a struggle to force my eyes to stay open. I’m pretty much there. I see people for who they are, clearly.
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hens says:
Sky I idolized my mother for most of my life, her mask slipped many time’s ,I just made excuses for her, I even lied for her..
Slowly I started seeing a monster and when she knew I could see through the mask, I had to flee for my life literally..
Her looming death, ( it has been any day now for two year s) has me very troubled..there is just no way I could go be with her, I never dreamed it would be this way..I dont hate her but pray that she will pass on soon so we can all be at rest. I cant explain what going to see her would be like but it would be like going upstairs to Regans ( the girl in the Excorist ) room.. I get chills just thinking about it..
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skylar says:
(((Hens)))
I know exactly what you mean. I never dreamed it would be this way either. From what I hear, narcissists live a long long time, even if they are sick. I pray that God will give you strength and clarity.
My whole family is extremely long lived. I’m happy for them about that. And it gives me more time to get used to this new way of thinking.
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Stargazer says:
Well, my new motto is “When the going gets tough, the tough order Zumba clothes.” I love my new Zumba clothes. Can’t wait to wear them to Zumba class.
Yeah, hens, sometimes moving at the pace of a snail but forward nonetheless. XOXO
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Ox Drover says:
Hens and Sky, I can relate for sure….I envisioned myself and my mommy dearest as two little old widow ladies living in the same house together and playing our dulcimers and quilting……boy it sure didn’t turn out that way!
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clair says:
The
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clair says:
the.
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alivetoday says:
One of the best articles I have read…the signs of aging are becoming more and more apparent…I just said today, that I never thought it would hit me…The neck and all the rest of the skin is starting to obviously gravitate…After already having some plastic surgery, it seems there is definitely all kinds of trade-offs..such as scarring and the body is going to change regardless in other areas or even in the areas that had surgery…it is senseless to throw money out the window even if you had it…I can spot a woman who has had facial plastic surgery a mile away and I see fear and insecurity and they all look the same…I want to let my guard down and age gracefully…I do think that taking care of yourself and being the best you can be at the age you are is practical and manageable…it is just knowing where the beginning is and where that ending is…
Awesome article..outside of all this trauma from the “P”, the thinking about the aging process is running close behind and I do know a great part of this is from the cruelty of the “P”….this angers me that I would let a sm…ck like that put salt on a natural wound, so to speak…
When I do have good days, I know that there much I should be proud of myself for..I do try my best to do all the right things the doctors recommend in being proactive for your health.
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Ox Drover says:
Good for you alive today! Love yourself the way you are!
None of us are going to be young forever, and to think that ONLY “youth” is beautiful is false thinking!
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