10 Signs that you’re dating a sociopath
PDF If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
MiLo says:
Assie ~ I’m so glad to hear you are getting your “groove” back, humor wise.
Making people laugh has always been my thing too. Laughing at myself is better yet. My humor tends to be a little (OK a lot) sarcastic at times (OK most of the time). That tends to get me in a lot of trouble.
I had to hold my fingers down yesterday when I read “It’s” reference to John Lennon.. WHAT, Oh I so had to hold my fingers down. But I did Oxy, I didn’t want the skillet. I personally don’t think Sky was rude at all, I think there was a great amount of compassion in what she wrote.
Oxy ~ I use a pastry cutter on the eggs too.
Strong ~ I make swiss steak when I’m feeling I need to release anger. I get that meat hammer out and beat the crapola out of the steak. It really works and hubby says my swiss steak is the tenderest he has ever tasted. LOL
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Ox Drover says:
I only went to the “whine page” where he was saying how no one would believe, no one would believe, no one would believe, and after reading several pages of that I thought NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ** WHAT?***
It was soooo boring, and I still didn’t know what he wanted me to believe, then….I clicked on the “crucified” page and I read for a few lines and I saw the SEND DONATION part and I quit reading immediately and closed the link. It was just TOO STINKING to even read….so that was all I read of his pages….but it was ENOUGH. LOL
THANKS MICHAEL! LOL (or maybe it is just a Michael clone! LOL)
Anyway, it was definitely an “eye opener” LOL I’m not sure WHAT the guy is, but I think it is possibly someone who is an N or A P who got “found out” and “unmasked” by someone else, either a former victim or another P he ran into and hooked up with, and now he is claiming “victim” and trying to retaliate against the other party—maybe a victim who escaped damage.
Whatever it is, I don’t want any part of it and I’m glad his ITs posts are gone.
Did anyone make a donation to it? LOL ROTFLMAO I just have a feeling that while we might disagree on the guy from Kickstart film bit, some pro and some con, I bet ya NO ONE from this group donated to that creep. Won’t say its name even. LOL
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Henry says:
aussiegirl – you are the 1000th comment on this thread, you win a prize..look under your chair !!!!
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strongawoman says:
Aussiegirl,
Mine hated my silly sense of humour. He was a miserable sob. It rubbed off on me and I changed my personality…..for him. Sigh, what was I thinking.
Have a good sleep friend.
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Henry says:
- John Lennon was anything but christlike – he tried to walk on water an about drowned – talk about a narc…dont boink me just send donations to henry , check or money order will be fine
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strongawoman says:
Milo,
You beat the “crapola” out of your steak!! Lmao
I like your style
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MiLo says:
Henry ~ If you can get my donation back from Erol, you can have it. You don’t think he would use my credit card information for anything shady, do you?
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Ox Drover says:
There are those who think John Lennon WAS the Christ…problem is that I think Lennon thought he was too…didn’t rise from the dead though, so guess he and they were wrong. LOL
Henry paid his “duck support” in $3 dollar bills, the feed store won’t take them, they have OBAMA’S pix on the front! LOL (for those of you not in US we do not have a $3 bill, it is a made up obvious fake currency. LOL
I have a big bulliten board behind my desk on the wall with all my favorite things, pictures and cartoons and they are there with the rest of my favorite smile makers.
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Henry says:
Yap he would….
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darwinsmom says:
Hens worded exactly my thoughts as I TRIED to read a few paragraphs of that post
“Oh my” indeed. Didn’t just sound like word salad, it read like word salad too, including just visually. By the end of a sentence I was still wondering “what did I just read?” Noted some claims on “relevant” studies, and then several martyrs mentioned (and of those I only respect 2: ghandi for his philosophies, Lennon for his music) Gave up on finishing the rest after that.
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Stargazer says:
Milo, you gave that Erol dude money? *face palm* Or are you just goofing with us? You know me, I take everything literally. LOL
If you did give him money, you need to call the credit card company and have them watch out for miscellaneous charges. Also, in general, if you send someone money on the internet with a credit card, ALWAYS make sure in the browser, it says: https. The “s” is very important. It means it’s a secure site. If anyone wants to go back and click on the donation page, they can see if it says “https”. If it doesn’t, then Milo, I’d recommend canceling your credit card and having another one reissued.
Though I think he was definitely disordered, it bothers me to hear him being called an “it”. Seems unnecessarily cruel and derogatory to me in this case.
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MiLo says:
Oh Star ~ I was just goofing with Henry. I never let go of my money. Thanks for thinking of me and the info was helpful. I am always worried when I do credit card anything on the internet, I just picture my information floating around in cyber space.
Sorry, I was guilty of calling him an “it” also and that was cruel and unnecessary. I think there were a lot of mental issues going on with him and that isn’t something that should ever be made fun of. Thank you for keeping me grounded to that sort of thing. You indeed have a kind spirit.
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Stargazer says:
Milo, you don’t need to apologize to me for anything. We all have our ways of doing things. I’m SO glad you were just kidding about the money!
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MiLo says:
Star ~ I actually was more making a mental note to myself, I need to be more compassionate. I’ve lost that along the way sometimes and I was glad you spoke up. That is not the way I do things.
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Henry says:
Stargazer is one of the most compassionate people on the blog, she is good to everybody.
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Stargazer says:
Awww Henry. You just made me cry a little. It takes a compassionate person to know one. There are actually a few people here who think I’m a sociopath.
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Henry says:
I have a few that think I am one as well, sometimes I think I might be but my heart breaks to often to be one.
Star I dont always agree with you but have always thot you were a compassionate good person.
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Stargazer says:
I admit I have an inner spath that I can access when I have to.
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Libragirl72 says:
I am so mad and hurt right now! I just spent 12 hours playing nurse to 30 senior citizens and was looking forward to my nightly call from ‘him’, when the phone rang as I was getting my dinner together:
Spath:What’d you do today?
Me: I’m just getting in from working a 12 hour shift. The girl on call has a virus so I got stuck working a lot longer than I wanted to.
Spath: Oh. Well, they (his job) want me to come in early Tues. to do some classes. Can you pick me up?
Me: Wow. Tues? Idk. .Tues is kinda bad..what time do you think it will be? (I was caught off guard because he was supposed to be gone for 7 days)
Spath: If you don’t come get me, ill have no way home. Fine. Bye.
And, he hung up in the middle of this discussion. I had not even definitely said NO that I couldn’t Pick him up. I was merely discussing my thoughts out loud.
Spath text: You better never need shit
Me: Why???? Because I’m trying to talk to you about this and you hung up after 3 seconds. Totally unfair. Call me back.
Spath text: Nope. F*** this
And, he hasn’t called me back. I hate this emotional BS. I deserved a conversation. So sick of the games he plays.
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Libragirl72 says:
Oh, and I forgot the best part.
Spath text: Go keep up with your new man
Me: Stop that BS
You all know as well as I do, we as partners, tend to be very loyal so of course there is no other man! Makes my blood boil!
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Ox Drover says:
Libragirl,
You picked up the phone. You allowed him to hang up on you.
As long as you keep pickingn up the phone and putting up with this, he will do it.
At this point, the only person you can “blame” for this kind of shiat is YOU because YOU ALLOW IT.
You were “looking forward” to his call….and he just wanted something and he was lying (I will bet) about why he is coming home early….and then he is rude to you…well, he has llied to you in the past, taken money from you,, beeen rude and hateful and **WHY** ARE YOU EXPECTING SOMETHING DIFFERENT NOW?
Thhis may not be what you want to hear in the way of “support” but I can’t empathize with someone who said “My thumb hurt” and you say “why?” and they say “well, I keep hitting it with this hammer and it hurts” WELL QUIT LETTING HIM HIT YOUR THUMB with the emotional hammer or quit crying about it. ONLY YOU CAN STOP HIM. Don’t pick up the phone, don’t talk to him.
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Stargazer says:
Libra, what a manipulative narcissist he is. I hope you don’t give in to his manipulation because you will only be angry at yourself if you do. A REAL friend would have been supportive and not selfish and manipulative. A REAL friend would not badger you into doing them favors and make you feel guilty for not doing it. Not only do you have stress at work, but now you have his pity-ass shit to deal with on top of it? Three words for you: Dump. His. Ass. The sooner the better.
I once had a girlfriend who needed a ride. I said no – I was not able to do it. She badgered me over it, saying a REAL friend would never say no to a favor. I disagreed and ended the friendship. You should NEVER allow someone to make you responsible for the functioning of their life.
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aussiegirl says:
Libra -
“Spath text: You better never need shit
Me: Why???? Because I’m trying to talk to you about this and you hung up after 3 seconds. Totally unfair. Call me back.
Spath text: Nope. F*** this”
Spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath, spath.
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run!!!
IDENTICAL to a conversation I had with Superspath in 2007, the year he left me. CLASSIC DEVALUE and DISCARD stuff, all the while turning it back on you. Get the hell out of it Libra. No time to lose, my conversation like this immediately preceded an attempt on my life.
Oxy –
“Did anyone make a donation to it?”
Donation amounts were actually why in the beginning it thought it was a joke and he was just a not-real-funny comedian. Amounts for everything were: 4.44, 44.44, 444.44, 4444.44 etc. (And yes, I was silly enough to read a fair bit of it once I was actually already on the site…………I’m a goose)
Henry -
“you are the 1000th comment on this thread, you win a prize..look under your chair !!!! ”
Nothing there Hens, except a dirty white dawg that musta snuck in through the cat flap in the door …again!! I swear that he can strain himself through solid surfaces, it’s taken me 5 months (since I first got him from the rescue centre) to stop him from escaping a back yard that already looked like Alcatraz! So he has turned his attentions to other forms of naughtiness
(What WOULD the prize have been though? I’m curious…)
MiLo -
“If you can get my donation back from Erol, you can have it. ”
ROTFLMAO. Knew you weren’t THAT silly!!
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Libragirl72 says:
Yes, Ox Drover I did pick up the phone. Just like many others have as well, while they are sorting through the fact and fiction of their own lives. I am not seeking empathy. I don’t need it. I’m simply journaling my experience while I sort it all out. The guilt factor for me rings huge and is a true emotion of mine. He hangs up, I feel guilty that I didn’t just ‘agree’ to go pick him up. My flaw? Absolutely.
Do I think he’s coming home early because of a class? No, not at all. Part of why the hit n run conversation he had with me I’m sure.
I can not argue with you. My only defense against further madness is not answering the phone.
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Henry says:
Ox I recollect you saying the same thing to me almost 4 years ago, if I had listened sooner my head wouldnt be shaped like a skillet now..
Libra – it’s up to you, he will dance as long as your willing, he has no limit’s. No contact is your only weapon and your ultimate salvation.
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Henry says:
Aussiegirl – The prize is a Bozo Button, but I think a little dirty white dog beat’s a bozo button any day…
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Libragirl72 says:
Wow, the carbon copies of this gene pool huh Aussiegirl? That’s exactly been the formula of many of how our convos. read…me being hurt and bewildered about wth just happened?
Thanks guys. I’m going read The Sociopath next door
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Libragirl,
I know I’m banging you on the head with my cyber cast iron skillet (llike Henry said, his head is shaped flat on top cause I hit him so much with the skillet! LOL) but the thing is he is not going to change, so YOU HAVE TO CHANGE your response to him. NO CONTACT is the only change (in you) that will keep him from hurting you more. Because if you keep in contact with him, he will continue to hurt you, lie to you, etc.
You feeling like you should have just said “I’ll pick you up” is not a VALID feeling, sure it is “REAL” but it is not “valid.” You may FEEL like the sky is falling, but that doesn’t mean it is actually falling, so the feeling is real, but not valid.
You feeling “guilty” is REAL but you have no VALID reason to feel guilty because you have done nothing “wrong.”
Get what I am saying. ALL feelings are real,, but many of them are based on fantasy or shoulds or lots of things, but NOT REALITY.
Keep on reading and reading and reading. The Sociopath next door and articles here. It will set you free…(((hugs))))
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Stargazer says:
Libragirl, focus on how mad and hurt you feel. Is this how you want to feel every day of your life? Don’t you feel you deserve better, honey?
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skylar says:
Libra,
rather than tell you what to do, I’m going to ask you why you are still talking to a man who would just as soon kill you as look at you?
Yes, that is exactly true. He really wants to kill you but he can’t get away with it so he’s going to do it a little at a time. He will steal your life one minute or one day at a time. Or he will drive you to suicide. If none of those work, he may eventually just get rid of you himself. He despises you. The good that he shows you is just to keep you coming back for more so he can laugh at you when he disrespects you and you keep asking him to “call me back, I’m entitled to more disrespect”.
So, I’m asking you, why are you still giving him the time of day? What do you expect from him?
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Libragirl72 says:
Stargazer, Ox, Henry…
100% grade A narcissist! And, believe me, I hear what you guys are saying. This whole sociopath thing is still new to me and I’m still wrapping my head around the fictious year I had unbeknownst to me. Growing up, I was taught when someone apologizes and says they’re sorry, accept it. I think I’ve slam dunked that golden rule. However, I realize some people are not deserving of our forgiveness.
Ox, you speak of tried and true wisdom and I admire that..ty. The feelings I am experiencing stem from guilt. I don’t know why..I guess that feeling of ‘feeling responsible’ for your loved one’s welfare doesn’t just go away. The iron skillet hurts a little, but I can take it..afterall, I’m dating a Spath! lol
Stargazer, NO! I absolutely don’t want to feel bad everyday or feel like I’m worth so little. This is how he’s manipulated me for a long time now. I am just starting to recognize it and put a name to the behavior. It’s mean. It’s unfair. It’s not loving. And, how stupid is he?? I didn’t even say NO..
So, the follow up is He Didn’t Call Back Tonight. People that take people for granted like he does just kills me. Life seems so simple but they make it so hard.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Libra,
Yep, they take and they take and they do not give.
When some one says “sorry” that is NOT the end of it. How about if I put a match to your house and burn it down bec ause I’m mad, then the next day I say “I’m sorry” IS THAT ENOUGH to pretend it didn’t happen.
Saying “sorry” is NOT the same thing as BEING SORRY and ACTING like you will NOT DO IT AGAIN, and really having a FEELING of being sorry…you ACT like you are sorry by being BETTER to them the next time…he is just the same or worse.
I agree with Star, he’s stealing your life, one day at a time…rather, you are ALLOWING him to TAKE IT. YOU DO deserve better. (((hugs)))
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Libragirl72 says:
Skylar,
My ambivalence is simply this: How can you be so sure? I’d love to feel as sure as you all do, I truly would. That would make this a lot easier to end. Do you really feel he hates me and despises me so much he would kill me? Maybe, I am really in the dark here. I know he is dysfunctional. But, capable of murder? Maybe, I don’t see this for what it truly is then?
What do I want from him? Great question. Normalcy. Kindness. Love. Friendship. Respect. Companionship. All the things I’m not getting..lol. And, I’d like to recoup a few of the thousands of dollars he’s taken from me and my family. That’s what I want in a nutshell.
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Henry says:
Libra – I relate with what your saying..I felt soo responsible for my X..and in some ways he freely gave or pushed that responsibilty on me to take care of him, he wanted me to be in control..but he was actually controling me by letting me be in control and responsible for every good and bad thing that happened. Did that make sense?
Yes it is not easy, we do love them but at what price?
Dont focus so much on diagnosing/labeling him as a this or a that, just look at your relationship as toxic and unhealthy…
For me this Life Lesson started out about him and ended up being so much more about me..hang in there..somebody is here whenever you need to vent…and if Ox gets to wild with that skillet I know where she lives, she aint as tuff as she thinks she is….
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skylar says:
Libra,
I didn’t ask you what you wanted. I asked you what you EXPECTED.
Capable of murder? He has ALREADY MURDERED YOU.
murder of one. by counting crows
Blue morning, blue morning,
Wrapped in strands of fist and bone
Curiosity, Kitten,
Doesn’t have to mean you’re on your own
You can look outside your window,
He doesn’t have to know
We can talk a while, baby,
We can take it nice and slow
All your life,
Is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love,
Is just a dream, dream, dream
Are you happy where you’re sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when youre sorry?
Does he tell when youre wrong?
Well I’ve been watching you for hours
It’s been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started,
I’ve been wondering where we’ve gone
All your life,
Is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love,
Is just dream, dream, dream
Well I dreamt I saw you walking,
Up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky,
As you stood there, counting crows
One for sorrow, two for joy,
Three for girls, and four for boys,
Five for silver, six for gold,
Seven for a secret, never to be told
There’s a bird that nests inside you,
Sleeping underneath your skin
Yeah, when you open up your wings to speak,
I wish you’d let me in
All your life,
Is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love,
Is just a dream, dream, dream
Open up your eyes,
You can see the flames, flames, flames
Of your wasted life
You should be ashamed
You don’t wanna waste your life, baby
You don’t wanna waste your life, now, darling
You don’t wanna waste your life, baby
You don’t wanna waste your life, now, darling
You don’t wanna waste your life, baby
I said you don’t wanna waste your life, now, darling
You don’t wanna waste your life, now, baby
You don’t wanna, you dont wanna waste your life, now, darling
Change, change, change
Change, change, change
Change, change, change
I walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me
I said I walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me
I said I will walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me
I said I will walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight
Change, change, change
Change, change, change, yeah
Change, change, change
Oh, change, change
Yeah!
Oh, change, change, change
Whoa, change, change, change
Change, change,
change, change,
change, change,
change, change, change
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
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woundlicker says:
Libra, my heart hurts for you. You sound like me when I was trying for two years to leave the ex spath. I didn’t have this website, I didn’t have someone to vent to, get advice from, a shoulder to cry on. I took two damn years to leave! The relationship lasted 3 years and two years was trying to leave.
Please believe, you WILL survive this, you will have enough of this crap and you will leave for good, but how long it takes is up to you.
I can hear you still wanting things to turn out good with him, wanting him to call. There will be a magic number of calls that will finally be the last and then the true pain and grieving begin. Hate, anger, confusion, depression, all of the worst emotions you can feel will take turns on your whole Psyche.
Maybe we know this and decide the alternative is easier. Staying in a bad relationship with a sociopath is still easier in the long tun than facing all of the inevitable rollercoaster of heartbreaking emotions and unsure future that awaits us when we leave.
I left because I couldn’t, just COULD NO LONGER LIVE! I had cardiac arrest! The stress caused me cardiac arrest and heart surgery, so YES, they can kill you even without touching you.
The ex spath, IT, killed me one day at a time. I let IT until somehow I gathered the strength to leave. I quit IT cold turkey, no contact and it has changed my life. It’s been 3 years with no spath and it has been hard, but not because I miss IT. Its because of the inner turmoil, self hatred, and deep emotional scarring IT left me with. This website has been a God send, truly.
I feel myself healing every single day now.
Please, Libra, believe in yourself and read, read, read!!! You will find help here.
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ErinBrock says:
Libra;
I get the sense that you are sharing the convo’s as a hook to the drama.
Nothing has changed. Change has to come from you.
Any survivor of toxic relationship is not shocked at anything you are writing about how he treats you….and i’ll tell ya, i’m sure YOU aren’t shocked either. you just wish it woud be different. Wishes belong in fairytales……and fairytales don’t exist outside of Disney!
It’s not and it’s not going to be different with this guy. EVER.
I’m not sure the ‘why’ your giving him all of you……and you won’t know either UNTIL you get out of the ‘flames’.
You can’t see in a fire and smoke filled house. You can’t think straight in dire situations……So REMOVE yourself.
Get out of the fire…….out of the heat and the smoke…..and only then….will you remember ‘who’ you are and where you wish to go in life.
Good luck.
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ErinBrock says:
And yes……they do Kill us…….on so many levels.
The stress for me almost did me in……2 strokes, 1 carotid artery dissection and then Cancer…..ALL the first month I booted him out the door…….
It was 28 years of stress…….I never knew I was under!
It can be through health, set ups or just good ‘ol murder….gun/knife/rope/poisening……
What……do you think your gonna have a choice here?
Think again.
They are just plain EVIL…..to our minds, bodies and spirits.
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Stargazer says:
Libra, I really wish you would read “How to Spot a Dangerous Man”. The problem with constantly starting with a clean slate when someone says they’re sorry is that some people are disordered and are not capable of real love. This is the case with your dude. If you have doubt, make a list of all the things he gives you and another list of all the things he takes from you and the times he hurts you. Which one is bigger? In a healthy relationship, you should feel good most of the time. You shouldn’t be suffering. What will it take before you say enough is enough? Do you have to catch him cheating? I would bet my left arm he has cheated on you, or that he would if the opportunity presented itself. Usually when they are so jealous of you, it’s because they are projecting. Will it take him physically harming you?
There is a song by Kev ‘Mo called “That’s Not Love.” The lyrics go something like…..”That’s not love. Cause love don’t feel that bad. That’s not love. Cause love don’t feel that sad. I don’t know what it is. But it’s not love.”
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darwinsmom says:
Libra, Libra,
You were taking a break to get your head out of the fog, but still took his calls. Physical distance is a step towards peace, but not enough. My ex-spath lived at the other side of the world. I got to know him in his country. I let him fly over to visit me for 3 months. Visited him for 2 months again, etc… In those almost 2 years, we were physically separated for 16 months… calling and chatting. Always after visting I kinda started to like the separation on the one hand, because it was less stressy (or so I thought), but I remained emotionally hooked and unhappy at the same time. Towards the end I did start to say “no” to him more and more. But the emotional bond to him lasted until the day he discarded me.
And he did it in an utter childish way: wrote me in two lines that he was sorry but he had met someone else, AND at the same time he wrote me that message he SWITCHED his relationship status from me to the other woman on facebook.
That next day I found out from a friend who lived there that he was with this woman already for a month and intended to fly to London with her. He did in fact fly to London 2 weeks after ditching me. By then I had talked with ex-es and a girl he cheated me with a couple of months before that. I learned it was a pattern, and how much he had been deceiving me. By befriending the girl he cheated me with, I was finally ABLE to literally see how much he had deceived me and had enjoyed it. She had pics of them as an item at his village, I could read his comments on those pics, him trying to reach out to her to talk to him, at the same time I was leaving love messages on his wall while feeling totally neglected and waiting for him to come online. Him and the people who had both me and her as a friend could have witnessed this (her best friend thought there was something fishy and had friend requested me, though we never met… I did find it strange and had a suspicion, but never dared to act on it until the day he ditched me)
That is how I knew for sure! I never second-guessed myself ever again about him. The London woman may hope and believe and pretend as much as she can, and he may pretend for as long as he is willing, but I know for 100% sure that he is a dangerous parasite with not an inch of feeling and empathy for other people in his bones.
So, if you want to know for sure… contact ex-girlfriends of his. You don’t need to tell your story to them, but just say you have questions about him and whether they are willing to tell their side of the story. Or have an investigator dig into his past and his doings at the moment. Meet his sister and mother and make your own opinion of them, without relying on his info. Don’t use it to confront him with his lies and to prove to him you know about him. But do it to stop second guessing yourself of what you already know. When you have all the data and can see the pattern and how profound the deception goes, you won’t even care about forcing him to admit that he’s been lying to you all along.
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strongawoman says:
Libragirl, this is what you want……..
“What do I want from him? Great question. Normalcy. Kindness. Love. Friendship. Respect. Companionship. All the things I’m not getting..lol. And, I’d like to recoup a few of the thousands of dollars he’s taken from me and my family. That’s what I want in a nutshell.”
LG, this is what you get……..
Chaos, cruelty, tantrums, manipulation, grief, lies, hurt, hate, disrespect, anger,
confusion, stress, unhappiness, loss.
Girl I have been where you are. Putting the phone down on me because he wasn’t getting what HE wanted. Then not calling back ……waiting for me to run
after him! Which I did ….for too long. I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through
that experience.
I particularly agree with what Henry said
“Libra – I relate with what your saying..I felt soo responsible for my X..and in some ways he freely gave or pushed that responsibilty on me to take care of him, he wanted me to be in control..but he was actually controling me by letting me be in control and responsible for every good and bad thing that happened. Did that make sense?”
Perfect sense Henry
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foreverwasclever says:
Well this blog is encouraging. My on/off again bf is most likely a sociopath.
Met him over a year ago and it was definitely a whirlwind romance. I was not interested at first because he is a convicted felon. I grew up in not the best of places and an old friend introduced me.
I am a hopeless romantic and at the time was hurt from a past relationship that didn’t work out — I was vulnerable. I was 25, had a supportive family, great friends, good job, made decent money, had my own apartment, things were going great. I was just missing a person to share it with. After a year of dates that went no where and a short relationship that ended in rejection I found myself face-to-face with a sociopath.
After a month he told me he loved me, that he had never met someone like me — which with his background might be true but for different reasons.
He had all the lines “take a leap of faith” and “zone in” and “no one else matters” blah blah.
The first three months were great, he met the family and I met his. We talked everyday and I felt secure in the relationship. Then on the day my father had a heart-attack he went missing. I told him what happened and while I was worried and in shock for my dad he stopped responding that night. Since he was on parole still from being in prison I freaked out thinking that he had gotten into trouble. I called the county jail and looked through my phone bill trying to find his mom’s number to see if everything was okay.
After a week he called saying he had lost his phone and that he didn’t have my number until I called his mom. How embarrassing — it was going to be one of two outcomes; I was going to be there for him when he was in trouble or I was going to look like a fool because he went missing. I am sure everyone here can guess what happened.
After that nothing was the same and he would go missing, come back, need money, tell me that I was the one. One night when he stayed at my apartment he had a panic attack in the middle of the night and had to call him mom in order to stop shaking. He was embarrassed but said that it has never happened when someone else was around.
He is a rapper, tattoos and cuts hair in his free time, and works as a cement mason. He makes good money but I end up paying for most of everything and then he begs for presents and will buy me perfume, or one time two brand new pairs of UGG’s which were probably taken off the truck but he said he bought them.
After we were together for 5 months I found out that he had given me HPV. After testing I ended up having severe dyspasia and needed to have a colposcopy and chemo treatments to stop the growth and get rid of normal cells so that it wouldn’t turn into cervical cancer. I confronted him since I hadn’t been with anyone and was tested before him anyways and he took the blame and said that we were going to get through it together and how sorry he was. He admitted he had been with around 100 different girls which I did not know before.
Around 8 months of dating I was tired of everyone putting him down and decided to prove everyone else wrong. A friend recommended I hack into his Facebook, I was able to get in and then found what proved everyone else right.
I remember trembling, shaking at each message to another girl saying the same words “take a leap of faith” and others. It was like he threw out lines to see who would bite. Most didn’t but some did…about 20 girls bought it. One in particular was a model and sent him pictures and I believe fell in love with him. I wasn’t upset with the girls, I was so mad at him and felt bad for all of them because of what this monster was doing. I sent out a mass email to the ones that seemed to like him and told them to run and to run fast.
I confronted him, he met me with my his family and returned all of my stuff. He told me he was a player and that he DID love me but not anymore. I asked him why and he said because he “could”. I drove away that day, sought medical help. I was put on Zoloft for depression and anxiety and it was my way of coping.
I lost everything and moved back in with my parents. I was broken and my dreams shattered. I changed my number, deleted facebook…anything that had to do with him was eliminated.
Then after 4 months of no contact I went out drinking, caved in and called him. I spoke to him. We talked and it’s been 3 months of talking to each other again.
I know he is a sociopath, I know he talks to other girls, I know that he will never get better. I still hang out with him and his family but my family and friends do not know I speak to him. They would disown me.
It’s been over a year and he has been emotionally and sexually abusive…he has only been physical once and it was grabbing. I have bailed him out of jail once, had him blame me for every little thing that happens. He completely flips out over the little things to where it is the end of the world and he is completely irrational. I tell him that it’s all in his head and he ignores all of it, he will hang up and not respond.
I am still on my medication so I don’t have the anxiety and depression anymore. I just don’t care but I still feel like I love him and don’t know how to cut him loose.
I enjoyed reading about all of your experiences and it helps when trying to accept who he is and know that I am worth more and that there is no saving him.
Forever used to sound so clever.
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Stargazer says:
Dear Forever,
You had me at “convicted felon.”
Hugs,
Star
P.S. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard the old “I lost my phone and couldn’t call” excuse. My spath used it on me too.
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skylar says:
Forever,
since you have already come to the realization that he is a spath, you are probably here to find support in getting rid of your addiction to him.
It won’t be easy since it is an addiction. The addiction is to drama.
What helped me the most, was using a hidden digital recorder to record our conversations. I wore it when I spoke with him and also recorded our phone conversations. The lies and the evil manipulations are all on tape. When I had doubts or began to forget how evil he was, I simply played back the tapes. I got all the drama I needed from those tapes. It repulsed me immediately to hear the evil way he spoke to me.
You don’t need to share the recordings with anyone or tell anyone about them. Just use them to remind yourself of why you need to go NC. Consider them like booster shots of a vaccination.
After you have obtained as many recordings of his evil machinations as you think will do the trick, you should confess to your friends and family that you have been talking to the spath. They will be shocked but ask them for help resisting. They can be your support.
Keep reading here and find books on the subject, it all helps.
You will go through drama withdrawal. It takes time to find your baseline again after a spath encounter.
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Ox Drover says:
I agree with star, at the Words” convicted felon” they are out of my book of “possible dates”–what is learned in prison in order to survive doesn’t play well outside of prison. Keep in mind too, that 25% of all prisoners are 30+ scores on theh PCL-R and the average score of all prisoners is 22. NO convict or ex convict is going to be a good bed for a partner. Dump him. Don’t look back.
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Stargazer says:
Oxy, you said “a good BED for a partner” LOL Freudian slip.
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callmeathena says:
Forever
I’m sorry. Your story sounds very familiar.
Welcome to lovefraud. Get away from this guy. He’s bad news and you know it.
Can you find yourself a therapist in your area? Do you have access to that?
And come here and read and learn.
Your ex is a sociopath.
Athena
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callmeathena says:
Libragirl
Screw this guy! He’s a loser!
You deserve so much better than that!!!!
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Stargazer says:
Variations on the “I lost my phone” excuse are:
1. I dropped my phone in the toilet. (So there are no landlines within a 20-mile radius?)
2. My battery died on my phone and all my numbers got wiped out. (So someone who has been dating you for a YEAR wouldn’t know your number?).
I don’t even have a cell phone. And I still manage to stay in touch with my contacts when I need to. Imagine that!
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Stargazer says:
Okay, so now it is my turn to ask for advice. My New Year’s resolution this year was to only have quality people in my life. That means that people who disrespect me, even in small ways, need to go. I have already cut off one friend I was hanging out with a lot.
So….I have this female neighbor who is 63. She and I have been friends since she moved in 4 or 5 years ago. We bonded over our dating experiences with men and just like to chum around sometimes. She is really a very sweet person. She will often invite me over when she cooks, and she is a good cook. But often when we have gotten together to do something, she cannot stay off her cell phone. I have mentioned it to her a few times, but she doesn’t seem to think of it as a problem. So I started distancing myself from her. I don’t go to lunch with her or for walks any more. I have turned down all her invitations. But last night I ran into her and invited her over for an update about my male neighbor that I ran into at the gym. She knows the whole story, so I really wanted to give her an update and also to hear about the questionable guy she’s dating. I really should not have done it. So she comes over. I have a big sign on my storm door that says: GUESTS, PLEASE REMOVE SHOES BEFORE STEPPING ON CARPET. I have a house rule that all guests take their shoes off. I don’t allow dirt from the outside to be tracked in on my carpet. Even after 5 years, I always have to fight with her to take her shoes off. It’s very annoying. She came over in her slippers which I asked her to remove. She said, “But they’re slippers, not shoes.” I explained for the umpteenth time that I don’t want anything that was outside tracking dirt on my carpet! She continued to talk and kept forgetting to take the slippers off. Finally after raising my voice, she did. She came in and sat down. While we were talking, I noticed that everything I told her that was going on in my life, she pursed her lips and gave a sideways glance, as if she was judging me. She is one of these people who lives in a lot of fear, so I haven’t really taken it personally before. But I noticed it did tend to deplete my energy. I am a very high energy person.
Then when she got up to leave, she put her slippers on and then absentmindedly started walking on the carpet again!
So I have decided to totally distance myself from her this time. But here is the problem. I just can’t seem to let go of the anger! I’ve been pissed off about it all day. Usually when I’m mad at her I just let her know. I usually send her an email or something. In fact, I’ve probably sent an email about the carpet thing before. She always apologizes. She is really kind of spacey and forgetful. It’s hard to tell if it’s passive aggressive or just her flakiness. She also smokes pot, so this probably makes her more spacey.
I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal about this. My healthier friends could just let it go. I need a little advice, though.
Thanks in advance.
Any ideas on how to get rid of this anger? Do you guys think I should have it out with her again? I’d really rather not if I can avoid it.
Edit: I just got an email from the rock star neighbor asking me if I’m going to the gym (which I am). Gotta go. Will check back later.
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