Bachelor Number One was a serial killer
PDF Back in the 70s, Rodney Alcala was a contestant on The Dating Game. He won, but the woman who chose him refused to go out with him. It was probably a good thing, because in February Alcala was found guilty of murdering four women and a child.
Read Convicted serial killer won on “Dating Game” on CNN.com.
Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
home, safe and sound.
oxy – you are clearing out and de-cluttering – getting rid of old bullshit and keeping new bull scrotums. LMAO.
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OxDrover says:
Henry, I ALMOST NEEDED THOSE DEPENDS! “that was a bad case of the munchies”—my gosh! Henry, this has been an INSANE DAY!TODAY!!! and I have been hyper as heck, triggered by the darned “bullet” that Liane dodged, and flung off into a mania of whirling thoughts! Now you and Erin B and I I guess are the only ones left on LF–we must have run everyone else off the blog!
ErinB, when I was going through that box of letters (huge foot locker size) of my P-son for the parole hearing stuff, I came across a bunch of his high school stuff and Junior high stuff and I threw it all out that was any later than about age 10 or so. There were some really cute GRADESCHOOL things there and I couldn’t bring myself to throw them out, but everything else (except the letters) I THREW them OUT and NO guilt!
Good for your doggie! GREAT doggie! Give that doggie a bone for her aunty Oxy!!!!
Well, the size of the STUFF (square and cube footage) of my STUFF is probably worse than you can even imagine. The house (pretty big but not huge) and the barn (2 story) and the aircraft hangar and the studio—even a lot of the stuff I kept a couple of years ago cause I thought I would use it, I now realize I am ready to get rid of. There is just so much of it and I am kidding myself that I am ever going to USE this stuff, just like with my knitting I thought I would get into it again, but I know I will NOT (hands won’t take it) so OUT with it! I have enough stuff that I used’ta use that I know I will never do again that I am going to get rid of!!!
In fact, just got an idea, I think I will set the studio up as a “garage sale” inside, cause it is more or less water proof and critter proof so I can take people in there wihtout walking them around things I don’t want sticky fingers around (like my tools) won’t be much trouble and I can “restock” the place when I sell out a bunch of stuff.
I’ve got a lot of stuff that won’t bring much at a garage sale either but is too “good” to throw away so will donate either to the children’s home here (like miss-matched sheet sets) or the DV shelter, and towels and comfortors and other bedding etc. This fall when the cows wean off their calves, I am going to donate the cattle I don’t want to keep (all but one calf) and my three pet cows) to the children’s home for beef!! I’m just about ready to get it (my stuff) down to a back pack and a couple of dog leashes—the more crap you have, the more you are a slave to stuff! I’m tired of dusting it, taking care of it, and moving it around or watching it deteriorate in storage.
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OxDrover says:
Dear one-step, I may end up feeding it to the border collie, he will eat ANYTHING!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
they will (we had two), ESPECIALLY if it has to do with the back end of the cow!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
EB – i was SO disappointed to hear holy got the linens. i was just about to ask for them.
damn dog is uncouth.
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OxDrover says:
Harmony man, continued:
That thread with 600+ comments takes five minutes per word to post on. I write one word, WAIT, then the next one and since I type about about 120 WPM it is frustrating as I can’t remember from one word to the next when I wait that long. LOL
Anyway, yes, get that book and read it, along with Without Conscience and the Sociopath next door. All these books have some good things in them, but the Betrayal bond tells why people who are abused stick around, AND like why combat soldiers have a bond that lasts a life time or anyone who has gone through a big bad thing, like Katrina etc.
People bond chemically during times of stress and trauma. It is a survival thing, but sometimes it can work against us too when we bond to our abusers. Or maybe this was developed during the evolutionary stages where people were kept as slaves who were abused and you either had to “bond” and give in and stick around, or die trying to get away.
It is definitely a difficult bond to break though when it is for our abusers. But it makes sense when you learn about it.
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ErinBrock says:
Geeze, I thought it was my computer….so that’s what the deal is…..I’ve had it happen before….and started messing with computer settings…..
Okay…so here we are…
Yes….harmony….I forgot to list ADDICTION on theother thread…….Hellllllooooooo eb!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i was at a cafe, so not sure what the bandwidth was, but is was slow…slow at home, too.
but typing is same as usual, just page loading is slow.
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ErinBrock says:
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ErinBrock says:
I’m getting parts of sentences show and delayed and a stutter……I’m glad oxy mentioned something….cuz I really did think it was my computer I was getting ready to restart it….
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one_step_at_a_time says:
I’ve got none of that happening.
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ErinBrock says:
Okay…….it’s gone…..whew!
Would have been easier just to notify Donna…..
This ‘tactic’ might work in other ways too huh……ya know what I mean……..
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one_step_at_a_time says:
the idea of plant application is good – we just post lots of smiley faces around the pot.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
EB – everyone’s going to think your nuts when they see all the smiley faces tomorrow.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
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ErinBrock says:
Do ya think they will be that far off in their thinking…..proly not!
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OxDrover says:
Well, when someone comes on and looks like they are “looking for a fight” I always hit the report abuse button and put a note in with it that says sometghing likek “I think this guy might be a problem, you mighjt want to watch him”
If they start name callilng or doing things like calling Kim (or was it EB?) on not wanting to continue to “fight she started” I said Uho and hit the abuse comment again.
Really, the best thing is to toalllyu IGNORE THEM when we see what is going on.
The latest troll more or less puty on a first p;ost of what I call WORD SALAD, words tghere but just mixed up crazy, don’t seem to be complete thoughts—but, though that sort of makes me raise my eye brows cause some of US have come on here so upset all we could do was WORD SALAD, so it doesn’t prove anything but its self, but then became mroe and more disagreeable.
“Whenn Kim caught on and said Bye bye” I knew it wouldn’t be long. They want attention, arguments in which they can make us “look bad” and without these “debates” they are powerless to show us their “superioriity”
And then it wasn’t long til donna made him vanish when she waved her magic cyber wand over his head and his posts and he went POOF! and was out of here.
How do you make the little smiley faces anyway?. I have this new vista on my new computer and gateway start page on enternet explorer, so tell me where to find them. I’m a compuuter dummy I should have listened when my kids and husband tried to teach me, now with CRS even if I learn itf I lose it in my brain some where. LOL
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ErinBrock says:
A smiley is a colon : with an ) (parenthesis above the #0)
It turns it into a smiley face.
for me it’s when I start ‘questioning’ myself or doubting my own reactions to the posts…..but yes…..I couldn’t even comprehend his posts…..because they were word salad……psychobabble…
He also sang opera…..ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!
I always feel kinda weird about reporting abuse if it’s NOT yet abuse……I don’t want to be a ‘pest’ or a ‘tattletale’ and make Donna work harder than she does…..
It’s also difficult with peeps coming and going and not knowing whether or not to respond or not…..
But a telltale sign of a troll is the combativeness and confrontation…..
Never support or telling a story of their trials…..even after a comment or two…..
it’s always a debate….a challenge to someone…..
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OxDrover says:
Thanks, Erin B I’m gonna try the
and see if it works.
Hey it worked! Great, and I guess forf a frowny face you do the
is that right? we’ll see anyway then I am going to bed. Nite
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shabbychic says:
I wish they had one sticking it’s tongue out :p
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kim frederick says:
Or one sticking it’s finger down it’s throat….:)
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kim frederick says:
Our troll from last week wouldn’t let that one post I made rest. He kept bringing it up, as though He were the injured party. At first I actually felt a little bad, but after he kept bringing it up…I just wanted to puke.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Kim, yea, that is what they do, hook on to something, an idea or a typo or something and then run with it, slinging slurs—that FIRST POST he made was WORD SALAD and I clicked on it as “disturbing” but I TOLD MY GUT TO SHUT UP, cause sometimes people do come here and do “word salad” because they are so injured and raw–I can name several that are still here, like me and you to start with! LOL
But then I kept seeing that semi-psychopathic crap and then when I saw the taunting of you, and BTW I lliked your “bye bye I’m out of here” or whatever it was you said, I KNEW KIMMIE GOT IT! and I hit the “abusive button” and notified Donna to check it out which she did and warned him/it but of course it wasn’t long before he/it was back to their old crap.
I did kind of worry about the several new folks here. I knew you and I weren’t going to be “hurt” or leave LF because a troll slithered by but there were so many newbies then who might have been hurt, and Des or A-mike, who BTW, I thought, did a great post-mortem of that first WORD SALAD post! I think the troll did scare Des though, and rightfully so. I just stayed mostly off line that one day because I knew if I lost it and started interacting with it I would do something I would have regreted so I “taped my fingers shut” LOL (taping my mouth shut wouldn’t work on a blog! LOL)
So, Kimmie, what are your plans now about looking for work and all that in starting out into the worlde?
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kim frederick says:
Well, Ox, I’ve been forcing myself to get out for a while everyday, pick up apps, or turn in apps. Monday morning I will go to Work Source, here and see what they might have available.
I am so discouraged though because of background. It’s hard to hold onto what little self-esteem I have.
It’s really hard to make myself go out there….Upsetting, depressing, and all that negative stuff. But, I’m saying my prayers, and commiting to do my best.
Thanks for asking. Keepin’ me on my toes.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Tobehappy,
I have not answered you on that trhead as the 600+ comments on it make it so SLOW loading on my computer (I do not have DSL) that I literally can’t type a reply on that thread. If you will post your question or problem on another thread I will respond. Doesn’t matter which one, just one with fewer than 200 replies.
Kimmie, GOOD JOB, I know it is difficult to get out and get a job when it is in the economy it is now, and plus try to live entirely on a lower wage job pay as well, Plus, the lack of your self esteem, but, and I say this with LOVE, YOU ARE ABLE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You have that strength and you can exercise it, so LOOK AT THE POSITIVE—OR ELSE! LOL
A friend of mine had this joke he thought was so funny, years ago, He would look at you and say in such a CALM sweet voice. “Please support mental health week” then he would change expression to one of CRAZY and say in a loud voice OR I’LL KILL YOU!!!” He thought that was absolutely the funnies thing he had ever heard! So any way, stay positive, OR ELSE! LOL ((((Hugs)))))
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neveragain says:
Go Dr. Leedom. And perhaps this lends some credence to the “super traits” that Sandra Brown refers to….that we all have some GREAT traits that attract these creeps. For example, you have a very pretty, very feminine voice. I have a deep voice for a woman, but still, there are certain men whose voices just carry authority and power…..and it is difficult to overcome that BUILT IN BIAS (perhaps even unconscious in many) in a Board room. Those men just SOUND like they know what they are talking about. Likewise a sweet voice like yours can say “easy prey” to a sociopath, no matter what you are saying. Know what I mean?
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tobehappy says:
tobehappy says:
I am having a very “anxious” day. I am overwhelmed. It is bright and sunny out and I’d love to go for a bike ride…but I am trying to organize my house.
During the last six months, between going back with the socio, and then breaking up again…I was focusing on getting my finances (disability, bancruptcy, doctors) in order and I have baskets of paperwork that have to be filed, laundry that was washed and dried but not folded and put away….the house is a mess. Then the garage has to be cleaned out and a yard sale is in order.
The winter months just did me in all around, with the house going to chit.
So, with my PTSD, its really difficult to focus on one thing…and I end up crying and having a meltdown and have to stop.
My girls just took off on thier bikes, because they don’t need to stay here and see me flipping out and crying.
Subconsciously, everything is just getting to me.
I just got done with some paperwork being filed “to be filed” later, slowly. Just separating and sorting old papers thrown into baskets. UGH!
Nervous about my life today. Got rid of people who suck the life out of me…the xb/f, my sister….and I’m glad I did that. But, I don’t even know, today, how is built up to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to make the decision to get rid of them.
Both were killing me…but now I have to rebuild my life..and I am starting my organizing my house. Its just so hard to do when you are a nervous wreck.
I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I can’t get off of it.
I’m taking Same and Vitamin B. I don’t know if I should take the xanax when I feel like this. Maybe it will help me to focus.
I’m trying to be grateful for what I DO have…lucky to get approved for SSI for now, lucky that I am getting a nice tax refund….and that I am still able to live in this house for now.
I’m just so nervous today.
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tobehappy says:
Ok…I am calming down. I stopped what I was trying to do.
And, I am going to make a list …a To Do list….
Finish my paperwork in bedroom tonight.
Fold and put away clothes.
Vacume and get bedroom in order.
Clean my bathroom.
Clean other bathroom.
Clean out refrigerator and reorganize food cabinets.
Now…If I can get THAT much done tonight…tomorrow I can
clean out the garage…and when I do…people stop because they think I’m having a yard sale…which I usually do when its nice out.
Then I can get rid of stuff and feel better.
Then, after this weekend…I will be ready to handle next week.
A few dental appts for my daughter and I.
Then….my goal is to continue to take care of my girls…run them to their activities…eat, laundry , etc..
Take time for exercise..bike rides and walks.
Thats my goal for the next few months…Diet and Exercise and relax and read.
So, once the house is organized and the “cloud over my head” is gone…then I can start to live again…
To rebuild my broken spirit…
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tobehappy says:
Thanks OXY….I understand what you mean by too many posts!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Tobehappy,
Ah, yes, I remember those days! House a mess! Dirth literally an inch thick on the floor after months of looking at it and NOT CARING! Ah, yes! Then looking at the entire mess and being OVERWHELMED BUT IT ALL! And in my case, just to “top you” I had my late husband’s mess to clean up too and sort and throw away (he was delusional that he was organized! LOL-But I have forgiven him though my curses could have done the cremation at times!) but don’t try to do it ALL in one day or ONE WEEK.
Set a PACE that will not kill you! Even though there is that little thing in the back of your head that says “that’s not enough” DO MORE—shut it out. Stick your fingers in your ears and go LALALALALALALALAALALA and drown it out!
Try to do THREE things each day—do them completely, and I don’t ‘mean three “things” like “read war and peace” or “clean out every closet in the house”
Set one room at a time, or if you can’t focus, one TASK to work on….Laundry say, and complete that thing. Dishes, and complete that thing, etc. so that you don’t spend more than 4-6 hours “working” per day and take frequent breaks, for good refreshment, water, juice etc.
Set reasonable goals, keep a record of it, so you can look back and SEE what you have accomplished.
PAT yourself on the BACK!!!! Don’t beat yourself up.
Work on good lnutrition, good parenting, good hydration, good habits, good thoughts, good rest, good exercise and MODERATION IN ALL THINGS! ((((hugs))))
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tobehappy says:
Thank you, Oxy! I just looked around today and realized how it all piled up because I’ve been so emotionally exhausted!
I just COULDN”T do it…so I only did top priority things…with 3 kids..thats alot! All three are in “shows”…drama queens.lol
I felt so alone today…getting rid of evil ones out of my life. My sister, who poured salt in my wounds through this whole break up , breakdown that I had…I cut her out. She used to call me alot. And, the x b/f socio..would text me and call me all day too. So….the phone is quiet.
I even wondered today how much pain I was in to have to throw them both out of my life…and it was BAD.
One thing I was wondering about today…about the x b/f socio… Everytime we had a falling out and I called him on some major lie…(several times in the last year)…he would text me…
” I’m not going to stress over this…I didn’t KILL anyone”
One time he said…”I’m not a BAD MAN…I never raped, killed or mained anyone” !
WHY??? Do you think he DID?
He told me a story once ..when he was a cop…how some guy who raped a cop’s daughter….”.Disappeared”. He and his brother/cop were supposed to drive him to prison. HMMMM…
And then when we broke up, he was so afraid I would tell our workplace the truth about him hitting a student (which he denied to even ME for six months and never admitted it to them)….
He said..
“I told you things that I never told anyone..things I was going to take to the grave with me..”
Hmmmm…..
He thought that I was going to tell the workplace the truth…because when we broke up I told him…THE TRUTH WAS REVEALED. I meant..”I found him online on dating sites, which he denied!” (AND>…porn dating sites advertising himself as an “older man with large size P…s” !!! He STILL denies THAT One.
He was going to set up a coworker . He was going to have a cop stop her and plant drugs in the car!!!!! because she talked against him. UGH>>>
I remember saying..”you would never do that”.
He said…”YOU don’t KNOW me”.
Just curious why he would always say, when he hurt me..
I never KILLED anyone! Usually whatever he said for two years…was OPPOSITE..
Like…”I NEVER look at porn.”
“I NEVER go online on dating sites”
“I’m not a cheater otherwise I would be taking money
from you…which I don’t” (he did)
UGH….
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witsend says:
tobehappy,
Sometimes when you are having intense PTS symtoms it really is almost impossible to focus on anything. And maintaining focus on something and following through and actually finishing a task, can be even more challenging. Forgetting important things, can also be a problem. Like if you don’t pay such and such a bill by the 15th there is a 29.00 late fee. And if money is tight that is something we will beat ourselves up over. And all this does is create more and more stess….Almost feels like we are setting ourselves up for failure. Cause the list of things to do gets longer instead of shorter.
The dirtier the house gets the harder it was to clean it. Becomes almost overwhelming just to do a sinkful of dishes.
I finally had to actually write down EVERYTHING. Even simple things. Pay car insurance today. Because if I didn’t write it down it wouldn’t get done.
Everyday I had such good intentions….But I just couldn’t do it all.
So Instead of having these high expectations of myself I wrote down just a FEW things a day so that I would be able to accomplish them, so at the end of the day I didn’t look at the list and see all that I had NOT accomplished. I would see what I did accomplish.
I could see the glass as half full instead of half empty at the end of the day.
It really did help somewhat to simplify. And writing it down also helped so I didn’t foreget what the priority of the day was.
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tobehappy says:
tobehappy says:
SILVERMOON..
Thank you so much for your support! And, Oxy too. (BTW, read my post on Bachelor Number One thread…tell me what you think?)
When I say my spirit felt “broken” today, I meant that I don’t want to do anything! My daughter mentioned getting going to see Lady Gaga with some friends getting tickets. She is my favorite! I said..”No, I don’t want to go”.
It scared me that I said that! I said to myself..
‘What on earth is WRONG with me?’
Then I realized that the anxiety, as you said…is coming from my thoughts today. My thoughts were saying…”Where am I going? I have no life. I want to lose weight and work on ME, yet I have NO motivation today!”
It scared me. I always say that “anxiety is FEAR”. And, yes, I felt FEAR today. Fear that I’ll never have a man in my life..or fun anymore…”
These are thing things I felt today. Empty…angry that he didn’t turn out to be what I want him to be…the man he SAID he was ….but wasn’t.
I am going to get that book…if I can motivate myself to get to the bookstore!
My poor daughter…she wanted to go bike riding and now she went to sleep. I stopped working on my “stuff”…got worn down. And, she’s sleeping.
I am going to spend all day tomorrow with her.(the middle one) She loves doing things with me…I feel guilty that she is sleeping…she went to IMAX theatre with the school today…to see Alice in Wonderland.
And, I feel like Alice today.
I just don’t want to get stuck in anger and grief and feel like my life is over.
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tobehappy says:
SILVERMOON..
Thank you so much for your support! And, Oxy too. (BTW, read my post on Bachelor Number One thread…tell me what you think?)
When I say my spirit felt “broken” today, I meant that I don’t want to do anything! My daughter mentioned getting going to see Lady Gaga with some friends getting tickets. She is my favorite! I said..”No, I don’t want to go”.
It scared me that I said that! I said to myself..
‘What on earth is WRONG with me?’
Then I realized that the anxiety, as you said…is coming from my thoughts today. My thoughts were saying…”Where am I going? I have no life. I want to lose weight and work on ME, yet I have NO motivation today!”
It scared me. I always say that “anxiety is FEAR”. And, yes, I felt FEAR today. Fear that I’ll never have a man in my life..or fun anymore…”
These are thing things I felt today. Empty…angry that he didn’t turn out to be what I want him to be…the man he SAID he was ….but wasn’t.
I am going to get that book…if I can motivate myself to get to the bookstore!
My poor daughter…she wanted to go bike riding and now she went to sleep. I stopped working on my “stuff”…got worn down. And, she’s sleeping.
I am going to spend all day tomorrow with her.(the middle one) She loves doing things with me…I feel guilty that she is sleeping…she went to IMAX theatre with the school today…to see Alice in Wonderland.
And, I feel like Alice today.
I just don’t want to get stuck in anger and grief and feel like my life is over.
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tobehappy says:
WItsend…
Thank you so much!
I did start to write things down. But, you validated that I am not “losing it”…just the normal anxiety from the r/s with the monster!
EXHALE…
I am sitting out on my deck now…and saying…tomorrow is another day….little by little.
I did get alot done…but 3 times..I got frustrated and cried.
Even my kids said…
Mom..take a break…go outside and have a cigarette!
So, I did and it helped.
I was in a hurry…because I feel like I want to start my life over…and with the cloud…(mess) I can’t.
But, I will TRY really HARD….to do things in “INCREMENTS” and take care of ME!!!
Thank you SOSOSOSOO much!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
2b….try really ‘soft’ to do things in increments…
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tobehappy says:
OK..LOL……
I don’t know what got into me today.
only a few hours sleep…got up late…shut alarm off and forgot that my daughter had an important meeting at seven sharp at school!
Would you believe ..on my own…I woke back up at 6:56!!!
Thank God…I would have ruined both their days!! The other one was going on a trip!!!
There IS a God!!! How I just woke up in time!
But, I felt GUILTY and starting beating myself up about it. I started telling myself…”your’e a horrible mom”
That started the terrible negative chain of thought all day!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
2b …as i said, I HEAR YOU!
one of the things that has worked at times for me is to just say NO or SHUT UP, the moment that voice starts.
x one step
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OxDrover says:
Dear 2b,
You are describing ME and how I functioned for over a year after my husband died…then took a long time to improve over that cause I got hooked on that “no one will ever love me again and I will live all al.one forever and ever and be by myself….ya da, ya da.” but the suggestion One step has to say SHUT UP to your inner voice is a good one.
When you find yourself saying negative things inside, start to sing a song either out loud or inside your head and it will drown out the negative voice.
It took me quite a while after my husband’s death before I realized truly that I DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE, TO MAKE ME HAPPY. No man can make me happy, only I can make me happy. I am OK by myself and if and when I do find another happy person to share my happiness with, that’s great! But I will not, I cannot let my happiness depend on someone else!
Your anxiety, your fear, your dread, your unhappiness, all are REAL and you can handle them, you can live through them. It isn’t permanent. Don’t try to do it all at once, SMALL BITES like “eating an elephant” one bite at a time……chew, swallow, chew swallow—take another bite! ((((Hugs)))))
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tobehappy says:
One step…I emailed Donna….thanks so much!!!
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tobehappy says:
OXY…Thank you for sharing and for your wisdom.
You helped me so much.
I am too hard on myself…
So, back to pampering ME.
BTW..what do you make of his comments about ..
“I’m not a bad man…I didn’t kill anyone”????
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OxDrover says:
Dear 2B,
As for his comments–sometimes they DO tell the truth, and maybe he DID kill someone, but it is not guilt that is making him say that. My X-BF burned his previous GF’s house, while he was dating me and he just as the same as admitted it to me before it happened. She and I both know he did it, but there is no way to prove it in court.
The thing is they CAN BE DANGEROUS so I suggest you don’t poke him with any sticks. I poked my P-son with sticks and warned him what I would do if he didn’t leave me alone, and that was a BIG MISTAKE. DO NOT WARN THEM. STAY NC and take care of yourself.
It doesn’t matter if he is lying or telling the truth,, and, seriously you will probably never know for sure or prove it if you did. My P-sperm donor I know killed j2 people and admitted it to me, and I know someone who SAW one of the murders but there was no way to prove it and both took place outside the US–so sometimes it is best to just let your wondering quit—there are some mysteries that are never answered. Even if they are you might be better off not even thinking about it.
FOCUS ON YOU. (((Hugs)))))
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tobehappy says:
Thanks Oxy….
I had to run out and get “Paris”…(my daughter) from her play. I wrote Erin a post about a woman I met. Read it on the other thread…”I Fell for IT”……….lol
Yes, noone NORMAL would respond to someone saying that “you are lying to me” with…
“I’m not a BAD MAN”.
A g/f I went to high school with..found me on Facebook. We talked one night on the phone. She is a psychologist.
She almost married a guy and a few weeks before…found out that he was STILL married and he FORGOT to tell her that he was married twice before…and was in prison for a few years..for beating one wife up!!!
She said that he always said to her..”I’m not a BAD MAN”
OMG!!! She said he is a sociopath and he fooled her well!!
She said he runs therapy programs and integrates his music into the programs…and people LOVE him and write to him how he helped them with their lives!!!!!
And …he’s dangerous!!!!
No, I am convinced that my xb/f has more to him than I will ever know.
He always talked about his x g/f who took EVERYTHING he owned one day….laptop, clothes..personal stuff …from thier apt…and BURNED it in a truck in a lot downtown and she got arrested!!
Somehow, he said that the police wanted him to give her name …and he didn’t want to …so they could get her ..but he did.
So…I remember asking him…what he did to her???
EVIL LAUGH came out of his mouth.
He said…I dumped her…she couldn’t handle it.
I’d LOVE to meet her someday!!!!!
I can imagine the real truth!!!
OMG…
But, I am going to focus on ME now….and try not to let SATAN control my mind…
Believe me..last time I needed answers …I was in deniel…
This time….I KNOW the answer…….Mentally ILL….
I am going to be the best I can be…physically, mentally…emotionally…..thats my GOAL.
I don’t love him anymore….THATS for sure.
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OxDrover says:
Dear 2B,
“Mentally ill” (or “legal insanity”) means that they do not know right from wrong, but psychopaths KNOW, they just don’t care! Either that, or they ENJOY torturing their victims. Either way, you are out of it with this guy with your life and freedom. BE THANKFUL!
Not everyone makes it out alive!
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tobehappy says:
OXy….Funny, but whenever I would tell him that criminals are “mentally ill” or something happenned to them that made them that way…he would get mad. He was a cop.
I just felt that its not “normal” to kill, steal…so that anyone who does…is mentally ill…
NOT that they should NOT be punished…they don’t deserve to breathe air!!!!!
Its not that I am making excuses for them….by mentally ill..I just think that they are SICK.
When I told my x b/f that in a text last time we broke up…he said…
“what are you a doctor now?”
Just can’t win with them..unless you leave them.
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OxDrover says:
Dear 2B,
To many people the term “sick” means that they have no control over their actions and are to be felt pity for. If that makes any sense. A person who assumes a “sick” role, is exempt from going to work….school, etc. “OH, John can’t go to work today, he is sickk with a high fever.”
I know that is “splitting hairs” and arguing over semantics but in the Mind of the “general public” a person who is ILL or SICK is excused from various things, and being responsible (to one degree or another) for his or her behavior is one of those things.
Remember that mother who in severe post-partum depression drowned her several children (there was also some religious fervor involved in that too I think I remember in which she wanted them to die young enough to “go directly to heaven” and not grow up and sin and maybe go to hell.”) In any case, I do think that woman was MENTALLY ILL and though she planned the death of her children and committed the death of her children I do not think she was “playing with a full deck”—and I would have voted for “not guilty by reason of mental illness” and committed her. I think she went to prison on that one, not sure if she is still there.
So, anyway, not really arguing with you about The terrm “mentally ill” as applied to psychopaths but just telling you that I use the termS “PERSONALITY DISORDERED” to apply to the range of people called “Cluster Bs” which are a group of very similar DISORDERS that are not really treatable at this stage in medical science, and in which the people with these DISORDERS do not generally have any loss of reality. They don’t generally “hear voices” or “see things” that are not there, but are LEGALLY SANE in knowing right from wrong, and in general have a highly manipulative,, goal driven life.
And, no, they aren’t generally very much like “normal” people, but are pretty good actors and for shorter or longer periods of time can pretend to be “nice” to hook a victim into doing their bidding.
While the personality disordered people seem to have a lack of empathy and therefore do not develop consciences, there is some evidence that those of us who wind up their victims, may be born with an excess of empathy, and this excess of empathy makes us tend to be “over compensating” in the pity and caring department, which lets us be the perfect victim for the uncaring pretender.
I think the difference is that we have elected to learn some comtroling aspects too mitigate our tendency to be toooooo caring to those that will abuse us.
They, however, do not seem to want to mitigate their tendencies to use others.
GET AWAY and STAY away! Our only options! I’m glad you are doing better 2B, I know it is a long road, but you have already come a long way toward understanding and that is the FIRST BIG HURDLE and once that is crossed, the rest is much easier. ((((Hugs)))
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tobehappy says:
Thanks Oxy….
You know, I taught “Special Ed” for many years…and I tell everyone that I married the most severe of them. In fact, his 2 best friends were in the program when I started teaching. My x is ten yrs younger than me and so are his friends. I was looking up some of my students …when I was about 33, and I found his friends files!! HE was classified ED emotionally disturbed and so was his brother and their mother pulled them out of school at that time! She was in deniel..so, tragically, she let them drop out at 16!!
Now, these ED kids were higher IQ than the other program of Spec.Ed kids…they were “criminal minds”. Mostly boys…very charming…(they would hit on me back then…I was young and pretty) and they all had police records.
They all opened up to me about there problems at home. All of them were good looking…sweet,….and I felt sorry for them from the stories they told me of abuse at home. My principal knew that I was good with them, and used to tell me that I should get a degree in counselling…because I was good with them. I listened Empathically…and I tried to help them understand the world and their problems and gave them pep talks to improve their self esteem. I didn’t even have the knowledge of Sociopathy at the time. But, I tried to help them.
I saw potential.
When the program was cut at the school…99% of these boys dropped out and made the newspaper.
Now, are they responsible for their behavior? YES!!! Now, if the lower intelligence ones committed crimes..the RETARDED children…I could see how they could not be held accountable.
But, these students…even though they were victims of abuse…made the CHOICE to not get better.
I grew up in abuse from my Sociopath mother. Both of my sisters were neglectful and abusive to their own children. Yet, how come “I” went opposite and became a “supermom” like all of my friends tell me. My whole WORLD was and still is..my girls happiness.
And, besides a few meltdowns when I cried and felt overwhelmed…daily life in my house has been nothing short of POSITIVE POSTIVE POSITIVE!
I wanted to turn around all of the abuse “I” went through and see what would happen to my girls…(me, without abuse)..because I would have been so much more if I didn’t have the emotional problems from my childhood.
Yes, I went to college and became a teacher…taught for 25 yrs….but…I wanted to be a medical doctor..pediatrician ..or a psychologist. I couldn’t even concentrate on my studies in the Nursing program because of my emotional problems at that time..still living home in the snake pit.
So, when I say they are “sick” or “mentall ill”….I probably mean to say EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED….or , as you say..
DISORDERED.
They are definitely not healthy people.
The psychologist I saw in the summer when we first broke up.. when I asked her about Sociopaths…she said…
“THEY DON”T DESERVE TO BREATHE AIR”
BTW, she was AWFUL in dealing with me. She obviously wasn’t trained to deal with victims of abuse.
She told me…”Listen, you need to picture a different man in your mind when you start to think of him…and you need to get back into the arena…get a job and take care of your kids”
DUH!!! If I could get “over” this and do that…I wouldn’t be sitting in your office. ( She seemed very narcissitic…told me that she is a “hot ticket”..UGH!)
So, I ended seeing her and went to a domestic abuse counsellor who didn’t have her credentials…but had years of experience dealing with abused women. (and she is free…at Catholic Charities)
So, I think that people who are EVIL should be all committed when they get caught. Otherwise they will continue to do it again…and hurt people over and over.
The shame of it…is there are more OUT there that aren’t committed. So, we need to educate our children to BEWARE of these monters who hide behind their manipulative sweetness.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
2be
‘So, I think that people who are EVIL should be all committed when they get caught. Otherwise they will continue to do it again…and hurt people over and over. ‘
HERE HERE!!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear 2B,
The first term applied to psychopathy was MORAL INSANITY, and I think fits very well. They don’t “get” morality.
Some can learn to FAKE IT though.
As far as the kids you worked with that were ED and that told you how ABUSED they were.
My son who was/is a psychopath and started showing CLEAR signs of it at 15-6 (puberty) was telling all his friend’s parents (that did not know me) HOW ABUSED HE WAS BY HIS FAMILY-=–which was a totally and completely false THING.
He told how I had starved and abused and beaten him since he was a small child. My Gosh I was the mother from hell, the uncaring bitch.
I erven have a letter he wrote to a minister (family freiend) tellling him how UN christian a person I am and how when he was a child I told him “I only OWE you food, a place to sleep and enough clothes to keep you from freezing….2 suits of clothes from the Good will is clothing, a blanketg and a pillow on the floor is bedding, and shelter, and OATMEAL is food, that’s all I owe you>”
Actually, I DID say those words, but the CONTEXT WAS AS HE REPORTED THEM NOT RIGHT— I said those words to him when he was a TEENAGER and had decided that I OWED him anything he wanted including complete freedom.
THE REST OF THE QUOTE WAS:
“That is all the LAW requires of me, and I give you MORE THAN THAT because I love you, BUT if you will not cooperate with me, and will not respect me, I will quit giving you the GRAVY that my love adds to what the law requires, and just give you what the law makes me. Is that what you want?”
I think it pithed my P son off that I had the POWER (i.e. money) to cut off buying him the things that he wanted and felt he deserved. I refused to buy him a motorcycle, first off because I think teenagers on motorcycles are a danger to themselves and others (I used to work in head and spinal cord injuries) so, ,my son STOLE a motorcycle and rode it to school in the city and kept it somewhere else at night so I wouldn’t know it.
I did NOT OWE him a motorcycle so he could be a big shot to his friends—he thought HE WAS ENTITLED TO ONE, so he got around my “control” by stealing one.
Abused? Nope, but he could sure spin a convincing tale to other adults about how he was abused, and he continues to do that to this day, crying, “Pity me, poor convict, it is because my mother abused me” So don’t believe every tale of abuse for these kids, and besides, I know lots of great honest folks that WERE ABUSED and they didn’t become criminals.
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tobehappy says:
Wow, Oxy…..I know that we are born with our temperaments.
And, you are right…why did my two sisters become pathological liars and abusers and “I” didnt??????
My middle child was born with sensory integration disorder which is on the autism spectrum. She was later classified as “possible Aspergers” and “oppositional defiant disorder”.
Well, as a child, she would SCREAM ….starting at six months old…everynight…SAME time. She was WORN out and overstimulated and would short curcuit by that time and scream until she crawled under the table and konked out!
Well…I found books on “The Out of Sync Child” and the “difficult child” that taught me how to manage her…MUCH differently than a normal child!
I had to act like a ROBOT ..not show any emotion…and let her be. If I tried to comfort her…it added another 20 minutes of screaming.
Ok..so I explained this to my Xhusb socio. He said…
“Its YOUR fault,…YOU ruined her…she is a retarded clone of YOU”
Well, he would pull her hair…drag her to her room by the ear…and one day…he beat her up on the floor…kicking her and slapping her nude body. She was 3yrs old…and wouldn’t keep clothes on because the “seams hurt her”.
I threw him out…got a restraining order and divorced him.
I KNEW if I allowed him to do this to her…and manage her by brutality…she would grow up totally messed up.
He KICKED her out of his car one time..literally…with his foot!
So, I moved away with my girls…I gave her lots of love and praise….let her go into her room and scream at the end of the school day.
SHe was EXCELLENT all day in school….but when she came home…after struggling to get through the day…she needed to vent and cry.
She has “oops wrong planet syndrome” lol….
Fast forward…She is TOP of her class…high IQ, has severe germaphobia…(eats with a napkin on top of her food) but I accomodated her problems alot. She is a sweet sensitive, loving , caring 13 yr. old…..and everyone loves her, even the principal.
My point is that these children may be born with a temperament….but the kids I taught…. they came from very dysfunctional families..most had abuse and dyfs involved…were hit…beat up…one parent poured liquid soap down the kids throat and almost killed him…kept pumping it into him. I read it in his records. The mother lost custody and the father…an alcoholic….was beating him but he was afraid to tell anyone.
So, its all different. My g/f’s son punched her in the mouth this year. SHE spoiled him and gave him EVERYTHING he wanted in life…everything! She acted like she was afraid of him…still does. So, he is a “charming young man” according to his teachers….and VERY bright…but she allowed him to run the house.
I don’t know your situation…the details. But, he sounds like a rebellious kid….Did his father have Socio tendencies? Maybe its inherited and sometimes….theres nothing we can do about it. I am sure its 50% genetic. And,…some worse than others.
I was afraid to send my daughter to kindergarten…that if someone bumped her accidentally, she’d punch them out. She is so sensitive to ‘touch’.
But, I made the teachers aware of her…got a 504 for her…accomodations for preferential seating…(not near a buzzing fish tank!) and extra time in the hallway..(crowds) and the school helped out with these PrevENtive measures.
SHe had a very crazy teacher scream in her face once…”NO NO NO you cannot go to get breakfast this morning in the cafeteria!” (she knew that she would meltdown if she was tired, hot or hungry) My daughter FLIPPED out.
I had to get her…and that was the only isolated incident…besides one in 3rd grade…when she was in an aftercare room…and was blamed on something she didn’t do.
She RAN out and the police had to get her. She punched him in the chest because his breath smelled like smoke!
They laughed it off. SHe was very young.
So, since then, she is an opera singer…sings in the school plays…a math genius and my BEST daughter….the only one who helps me out…dishes…floors..and even cooks breakfast for all of us.
Had I stayed married …omg…she would either be dead..from him..or maybe she would have killed him . She’s 5’8″ about 170 lbs!!! BIg girl….
so …I don’t know what the answer is…..
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OxDrover says:
My son, th eP is a CLONE of my P-sperm donor whom he never met, aggressive, VERY BRIGHT (99th percentile+) and was an “ideal kid” til he morphed into my sperm donor! Sperm donor’s mother (who really did not raise him and was not a big influence in his life) was also a P, as was her father.
On my egg donor’s side her brother was a MONSTER P, her grandfather was a nasty P-drunk. My P son’s biio grandfather (paternal) was a P for sure, abusive and controlling.
Yes, there is a LOT OF GENETIC involved, not just in my family, but in many others too, and in the twins studies. Some kids get the DOUBLE whammy though, the P genes AND the P parent & environment of abuse.
I am glad your daughter is doing well and that she had you for a mother to meet her needs. She is very fortunate and I am glad that you got rid of her P sperm donor! GOOD FOR YOU!
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geminigirl says:
Oxy and TB ,As Oxy knows my older daughter wasa liar and manipulater from Puberty. She had top grades in every subject but was DESPERATE to join a Punk group. They wouldnt admit her to their clan unless she stopped studying, so she stopped overnight. All her grades plummeted. Then she left school against our better judgement, and ran away from home. She ended up on the doorstep of this woman, witha garbage bag of clothes in each hand, hair plastered to her head with rain.{The woman told me later on.} She told the woman she was homeless and destitute, and her parents mistreated her. What lies! She even had her own flat under the house, wed carpeted it and furnished it for her, and her dad,{my ex,} even promised he r a small allowance if she stayed on at school.Her Dad was Head of the parent teacher Assoc., and had been sober for almost 10 years.She and her sister had a great childhood, they did Jazz ballet, horse riding, scool trips, girl guides, Sunday school, they were bright, giggly happy little girls. Until the older one hit Puberty and she canged almost overnight! Drinking, sex, escaping out the window and running off into the night, swearing at me,violence,
possibly drugs as well, she went on the birth control pill,{prob. a good idea, but I was horrified as she was so young,} Nothing I did met her approval. The nicer and more understanding I was, the more she seemed to hate me. I dont buy that she and her sister,{also a spath,} were deprived children.Ther idad and I loved them and did all we could to ensure they hada happy but disciplined childhood. We never smacked them, they didnt need it. people who knew me a nd my ex knew none of this was our fault. Of course, with the strain of all this, my ex started to drink again, and within 3 months he was as bad as ever.Coming in at 2 in the morning, so drunk he could hardly stand. It all ended with me being bashed unconscious by him, in 1980, but it took me 2 years to leave him. he and both the girls used to sneer and jeer at me, I felt like I was in hell. No-one on my side, and what few friends I had left, had no idea what I was going through.D has been a compunsive liar since Puberty, she sees herself asa victim, she blames me for everything, and has nota shred of guilt, remorse,kindness or empathy, she wont even admit to the terrible things she has done, so Ill never get closure, much les an apology from her.She will be 46 in a few months, and her life is unravelling fast, no husband, no kids except at weekends, no Mum any more lost her true friends who are sick of being used, no home, canr afford to renta flat, currently flat sitting fora friend, no secure job,{she embezzled A$62,000 from a former employer.} I think bad news has travelled fast and now no-one wants to employ her. She is very clever, but has nil common sense. No savings, up to her eyes in debt, what will become of her? I shudder to think. But she has CHOSEN to be like this, she had every advantage, and has thrown everything away.I think she is severely disturbed, but she considers herself to be a superior being.I wont be baling her out ever again.I am FINALLY having a happy life without my 2 spath daughters, my REAL daughter,Roya, treats me with love, kindness, fun,affection & respect Love, Gem.XXRoya and Abbas came over yesterday for Davids 77th Birthday. What a great day we had!
Roya had a dozen cream roses for David, a present, a lovely card, a home made cake, even a gift and card for Bobby the poodle, who was 9 on the 17th!Many hugs and kisses for D .and myself, from both our loving new kids.”Happy Birthday, Dad” they both said. In 26 years, my 2 girls NEVER treated him like this, he is likea dog with 2 tails! How lucky we are to now have adult kids who TRULY love, need, and appreciate us!Your Happy MamaGem.XXDs card said, “To the BEST DAD in the whole of the wide world, from your children, Abbas, and Roya. We will love you forever!’XXXXOOOOXXXX
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