RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: Taking the sociopath to the mat
PDF Editor’s Note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud’s Professional Resources Guide.
Questions to ask yourself when you want to go after a sociopath
By Fred Dunsing, Attorney at Law
Fred Dunsing profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide
I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a counselor. I’m a lawyer. Therefore, I’m wholly unqualified to write about sociopaths and the specifics of their mental health disorder.
I do, however, understand the definition of sociopath and generally understand what constitutes sociopathic behavior. I have seen many of these individuals during my years in practice as a family law attorney, and I can say that most of the sociopaths I have come in contact with have been within the context of fraudulent relationships. Most of these individuals have been men (although I must admit that I represent mainly women in my practice).
These individuals have been textbook cases. Men who look for recently single and/or otherwise vulnerable women that have what they need – usually money, credit, sex, or the ability to provide them with children. Generally, their whole lives are lies. Their education, military service, jobs, assets, friends, and even marital status are fabricated.
What has struck me in these cases is that these individuals often share other characteristics. They are often controlling. They are usually supreme narcissists. They have such an inflated and unrealistic view of their own intelligence and abilities that they think they are smarter than everyone else – police, lawyers, judges, and especially the women they victimize. This attitude is always their downfall.
Of the cases I have taken to trial involving these personality types, these individuals have not only always lost, but have always lost in a big way. They lose because of their utterly unjustified opinion of themselves, and of their abilities to con other people. They lose when they finally pick the wrong person who won’t just go away. Someone finally takes them “to the mat” all the way through the legal process. In the context of outright fraud or theft, that may mean the police and the local district attorney. In the context of a child custody or divorce case, that may mean taking it all the way through a civil trial.
These people are predators, but in their minds, they’ve done nothing wrong. They don’t believe a case will ever go to trial because they will outsmart or frustrate any court or lawyer and at the very least, they will convince the victim to drop the case – it’s just another con to them.
But the end of the road for these people is usually when they victimize a strong or determined person. The cases that typically are the most successful are those that involve women who were willing work countless hours to research and document the lies and the damage long before going to see a lawyer. It becomes a mission with them. And even after a lawyer explains the weaknesses of the legal system, these victims all have a common characteristic – they are not going to be victimized and they going to make sure that the sociopath never does it again to anyone else.
Now, this is often easier said than done. In most cases, it is expensive. The cost of the necessary discovery and litigation can be incredibly high. Moreover, the impact on the victim’s personal life during the period of litigation can be devastating.
In my experience, a person who is contemplating taking a sociopath “to the mat” needs to answer the following questions: 1) Do I have the financial resources to pursue this course of action? 2) Am I willing to put my family through the process? 3) What are my goals? Am I seeking some measure of justice? Am I doing this for my family? Am I doing this to teach the sociopath a lesson? Am I doing this for myself?
There is an old adage that most everyone has heard, “you can spell principle two ways – with an ‘al’ and with an ‘le.’” It’s OK to spell it with an “le.” You are entitled to seek justice. You are entitled to stand on your principles. You just have to understand that in our legal system, it usually costs you money (principal spelled with an “al”). You also have to understand that in some instances, judgments against sociopaths may not worth the paper they are written on – particularly if the assets taken have already been squandered and the damage has already been done. You can’t collect on judgments if you can’t find the assets to execute on.
It is, however, an entirely a different situation when the stakes are not just missing property or ruined credit, but instead are whether helpless children will be exposed to a sociopath or even worse, raised by one.
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
one_step_at_a_time says:
Harold
different spaths act different ways.
best to take measures to protect yourself and document his actions.
will criminal charges come of this outing? (that would be pleasant
best,
one step (vicariously happy)
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ErinBrock says:
Harold:
Protect yourself….never doubt yourself and remember the reasons you are moving forward.
Install and monitor security systems.
Carry bear/pepper spray…in car, keychains/bedside/office….places you spend time…
Keep a digi camera on your person at all times….or very handy….also a digi recorder…..
Put your home on house watch with local police….
Remain vigilant and decode your cluster B….know his actions….and don’t take anything personally…..but listen……they tend to give a heads up….
Loose lips sink ships…..keep what your doing close to the hip.
Keep all records off site and in triplicates…..safety deposit box, attorney…..or outright bury it in paint cans….(THis was a favorite of my s
)
Don’t expect all your information to be used, and also don’t expect the outcome to be what you anticipate……
Peeps will always protect them…….
Watch your back, don’t trust anyone….if you feel your in danger.
You gotta keep a balance….becasue the lows can be pretty low……
Good luck to you…..and NEVER second guess yourself!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
go erin, go erin, go erin
(and yes, there was a little dance with that)
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ErinBrock says:
One….you crack me up…..your sounding like the old ‘one’ these days girlfriend…..
BTW….was that dance with arms circleing…?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
YOU KNOW IT BABY!
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kim frederick says:
That’s crtainly what I saw in my minds eye…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Did you see the toque, the long scarf and the business jacket?
i dress weird in the winter with the windows open
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kim frederick says:
Well, not exactly…I saw the toque.
!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
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Harold says:
Thanks for the tips Erin et al. There were a few things there I hadn’t thought of like pepper spray! I’m going to buy one for everyone who’s helped me with this as a thank you.
What is a cluster b? I’ve seen that term here but never a definition.
I don’t expect all information to be used. Honestly if even a tenth of what he’s done is aired for the entire world to see (with a permanent search-able public record – gawd I love the internet), I’d be happier than a pig in poop. He’s committed bad acts that if they did show them all, I don’t think anyone would believe it! Yes, I know, I’m preaching to the choir
Yes to criminal charges. Nothing overly dramatic, but it will result in a criminal record. (there I go, smiling again!)
Never heard of house watch, I’ll look into it. I’m in Scotland, so the terminology is perhaps different.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Harold – three clusters:A,B,C
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html
Cluster B: Dramatic or Erratic Behavior
Histrionic (Hysterical) Personality: People with a histrionic personality conspicuously seek attention, are dramatic and excessively emotional, and are overly concerned with appearance. Their lively, expressive manner results in easily established but often superficial and transient relationships. Their expression of emotions often seems exaggerated, childish, and contrived to evoke sympathy or attention (often erotic or sexual) from others.
People with a histrionic personality are prone to sexually provocative behavior or to sexualizing nonsexual relationships. However, they may not really want a sexual relationship; rather, their seductive behavior often masks their wish to be dependent and protected. Some people with a histrionic personality also are hypochondriacal and exaggerate their physical problems to get the attention they need.
Narcissistic Personality: People with a narcissistic personality have a sense of superiority, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. They have an exaggerated belief in their own value or importance, which is what therapists call grandiosity. They may be extremely sensitive to failure, defeat, or criticism. When confronted by a failure to fulfill their high opinion of themselves, they can easily become enraged or severely depressed. Because they believe themselves to be superior in their relationships with other people, they expect to be admired and often suspect that others envy them. They believe they are entitled to having their needs met without waiting, so they exploit others, whose needs or beliefs they deem to be less important. Their behavior is usually offensive to others, who view them as being self-centered, arrogant, or selfish. This personality disorder typically occurs in high achievers, although it may also occur in people with few achievements.
Antisocial Personality: People with an antisocial personality (previously called psychopathic or sociopathic personality), most of whom are male, show callous disregard for the rights and feelings of others. Dishonesty and deceit permeate their relationships. They exploit others for material gain or personal gratification (unlike narcissistic people, who exploit others because they think their superiority justifies it).
Characteristically, people with an antisocial personality act out their conflicts impulsively and irresponsibly. They tolerate frustration poorly, and sometimes they are hostile or violent. Often they do not anticipate the negative consequences of their antisocial behaviors and, despite the problems or harm they cause others, do not feel remorse or guilt. Rather, they glibly rationalize their behavior or blame it on others. Frustration and punishment do not motivate them to modify their behaviors or improve their judgment and foresight but, rather, usually confirm their harshly unsentimental view of the world.
People with an antisocial personality are prone to alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual deviation, promiscuity, and imprisonment. They are likely to fail at their jobs and move from one area to another. They often have a family history of antisocial behavior, substance abuse, divorce, and physical abuse. As children, many were emotionally neglected and physically abused. People with an antisocial personality have a shorter life expectancy than the general population. The disorder tends to diminish or stabilize with age.
Borderline Personality: People with a borderline personality, most of whom are women, are unstable in their self-image, moods, behavior, and interpersonal relationships. Their thought processes are more disturbed than those of people with an antisocial personality, and their aggression is more often turned against the self. They are angrier, more impulsive, and more confused about their identity than are people with a histrionic personality. Borderline personality becomes evident in early adulthood but becomes less common in older age groups.
People with a borderline personality often report being neglected or abused as children. Consequently, they feel empty, angry, and deserving of nurturing. They have far more dramatic and intense interpersonal relationships than people with cluster A personality disorders. When they fear being abandoned by a caring person, they tend to express inappropriate and intense anger. People with a borderline personality tend to see events and relationships as black or white, good or evil, but never neutral.
When people with a borderline personality feel abandoned and alone, they may wonder whether they actually exist (that is, they do not feel real). They can become desperately impulsive, engaging in reckless promiscuity , substance abuse, or self-mutilation. At times they are so out of touch with reality that they have brief episodes of psychotic thinking, paranoia, and hallucinations.
People with a borderline personality commonly visit primary care doctors. Borderline personality is also the most common personality disorder treated by therapists, because people with the disorder relentlessly seek someone to care for them. However, after repeated crises, vague unfounded complaints, and failures to comply with therapeutic recommendations, caretakers—including doctors—often become very frustrated with them and view them erroneously as people who prefer complaining to helping themselves.
Good luck with the outing. charges, too! Awesome!
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hens says:
oh my – whats normal? who’s normal? physcology overload?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi hens. my name is one step and i am not normal.
i am not however, a f*cked up cluster b.
way shorter, but perhaps not a s imformative.
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ErinBrock says:
hahahaha….I was looking at the Merke link you posted…and laughted……
I think most would qualify for a cluster c after being involved with a cluster B!
Hens…..trust yourself…..that’s normal!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i know eb – i was reading through it going, uh huh…..
am researching info on PTSD on line tonight. the father out i am from being involved with the spath, the more i see it functioning in me.
have found some interesting stuff about the hippocampus, and effects of long term/ repeated trauma, when one is held in ‘captivity’ – which i think would probably apply to many here. which led me t think of stockholm syndrome – which i will research also.
it REALLY pisses me off that the spath USED ALL OF THESE THINGS AS STUFF THAT HER SWEET BOY CHARACTER WAS EXPERIENCING. What a fucking N!
She did this sort of stuff a lot. one of her dupes has a great running list of crap she has pulled. I’ve added some funny entries myself.
what a f*cking crazy bitch.
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ErinBrock says:
Court update…
With Soc #2 & 3….TOMORROW am!
Not super ‘excited’ about it…..don’t think they’ll show up…..but hope they do……either way…..it’d behoove them to show…..
Clincher…..they have another ‘victims’ hearing tomorrow too….small claims….’slam dunk’ case!
Clincher……if they don’t show up….I’ll ask the judge for the ‘next step’….issue the warrants…..with bail set in the amount of my judgement.
This judge is WELL aware of these two…..and the sheriffs have been in touch with judge…..
Since she’s got warrants for grand theft….don’t think she’ll come, so it’ll just add on the warrants…..
Him….well he’s so cocky and hateful towards this bitch….(MOI) that he MIGHT just show……
Last contact was New years eve…he called me and .threatened to ‘see me in court’ if I didn’t stop trying to collect the debt and contacting his peeps….(oh, he aint’ seen nothing yet!)…..
Then, I had him served (for this hearing) while incarcerated a few weeks ago……he’s sure it was me that tracked his ass down…..
So part of me could see him making up this high falutant story about me….and coming to court tomorrow…..
If he did show up….it would prevent another warrant…..and only ‘loss’ would be the judgement he’s going to get from the other victim….regardless if he shows up or not.
His ‘pride’ could bring him…..or keep him away……
BUT…..also, if they do show up……she’s gonna get arrested for the grand theft warrant…..
My, my……what a tangled web we weave……
I’ll keep you posted.
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hens says:
hi onestep – I am prolly a peanut cluster..
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ErinBrock says:
One:
We’ve had discussions here about Stockholm S……
Can’t tell ya where…..
But yeah……totally can apply to a S victim.
Look at Jaycee Dugard…..Kidnapped for 18 years>>>>>>
Explain that…..ya know, she wasn’t’ chained (physically)…..her emotional ‘chains’ were what kept her there.
So sad!!!
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ErinBrock says:
what page is that on hens……
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hens says:
miss erin – i do trust myself and my decisions – i have awareness and set boundaries and look over my shoulder and keep my bat by the front door, have i become jaded and reclusive? – prolly..
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ErinBrock says:
I think it boils down to……..
Keeping our eye on the ‘ball’.
BTW…..my son swears by a crow bar and hatchet.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i am having a hard time today/ tonight.
i was dealing with someone who triggered me like crazy – and the only way i could keep working (it was a little writing gig that i have been fucked around on from the get go) was to harness how really mad i was.
when it was all said and done, i tried to take a nap. my neighbor has a new cat….i swear these ceilings are paper – and the cat was running and pouncing and i couldn’t stay alseep. and i kept fixating on the sound. i lay there for a couple of hours trying to get how over stimulated i feel, to calm.
i got a couple of phone calls – uncharacteristically i didn’t want to answer. i couldn’t get my head to stop. i have a sense of dread, of punishment, and a lossening of my attachment to ‘reality’ Ya, i know, that’s another one of those words, like ‘normal’)
it’s been a horrible night. once i snoozed for a bit, my racing thoughts slowed – can’t even say what all they were – just felt driven. really afraid and overwhelmed by everything.
kept wondering if i CAN work? and worrying about getting overwhelemd in the worksplace and people losing faith in me, and not understanding what i have gone through and how it has affected me. having written that, I see i have to keep stepping up in the name of my freaking innocence – my worth and value are NOT diminished by this crazy pyscho bitches targeting of me.
man, sometime sit looks nearly impossible to live on the outside what i not feel on the inside.
i spend a LOT of time hiding me mental and emotional landscape to make me ‘ acceptable’. fuck, i want something easier. more authentic.
how do i do that?
think ican sleep now
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi hens – well, then i want to be a pecan cluster with caramel.
my mom was a big lover of Turtles.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
good luck tomorrow erin, will be wishing for most painful and protracted out come for the spaths.
oh my, i have changed….no longer using my powers for ‘good.’
well, f*ck them, they are a joke.
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ErinBrock says:
then that makes me a cluster Fu&k
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one_step_at_a_time says:
…or a cluster bomb-shell.
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ErinBrock says:
Picture yourself in a good place……
One day…SOON, you need to make a dream board…..
Start cutting out magazine pictures…..visualize….and become!
Try to slow it down…..give your head a break…..put that toque on and hit the hay!
Really…..you need to allow yourself some mental down time to clear it all out and get agood nights rest.
I’m heading off myslef…..
Thanks for the wishes…..i’ll let you know how it turns out.
Sweet dreams darlen…..
XXOO
EB
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one_step_at_a_time says:
you too eb
your idea of the dream board – f*ck i can’t even form a dream.
i am just trying to stay alive right now, and it requires so mch, too much, work – and that’s the problem. too much work and i can’t keep up. i am days behind on things, and if the taxation folks find me they are going to fine me, for not filing.
yes, i need down time – but so much. and i don’t mind, not at all, but i also have SO much to do.
oy!
i have no choice, i must take the down time.
xx have a good sleep eb
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kim frederick says:
I would be a cluster of sour grapes…but with lemons you make lemonaid, I am making dry red wine…full of antioxidants…or antiaccidents…or anti-incidents, or anti-spathidents…..:)
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silvermoon says:
Antispathidents – now that is a marketing opportunity if I;ve heard one!
Save a case for me kim!:) I’m going to drink it while I listen to the F*.* You Song and put the naked pics of all his girlfriends up on a website…. with OPTIMIZATION!
Who says misery can’t be a blast??
On a hot day, we’ll add the lemons and oranges (because nothing rhymes with orange) and make Sangria. Then we can sit on the roof and scream all the bad workds we know in other languages….
Hey! It worked for F Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda!
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kim frederick says:
What a hoot! all the while, taking in the sun, gorging on the vitamin K, and getting tipsy on the sangria….We’ll get Conomo to strum her guitar, and sing the FU song….
Are you thinking, “The Great Gadsby”…Maybe we’ll erect a billbourd on the roof with the huge pair of glasses…all the better to see the spaths……
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one_step_at_a_time says:
thank you for the laugh this am kim and silvermoon, i am i having a wickedly difficult time and humor almost always help to elevate my mood. (btw silvermoom, the spell check would like to change your name to silversmith. think that works too)
okay, here’s the deal. the last 48 have sucked. I have spent way too much time at home (which is toxic, so i am too) as you don’t know silver, i newly have multiple chemical sensitivites and my place is toxic with off gassing from renos. i cannot move yet. i live with my windows open and a toque on my head, as i live in a snowy cold part of the world).
i have just finished my work contract, jobs are hard to find. i am sick, poor, in pain daily, and close to homeless.
i was writing something for money. the person didn’t like it. too creative. the person wasn’t clear about what they wanted neither was the publisher. it’s been a bad deal from the get go. they changed the focs twice and i had to write about something i expressly avoided writing about when they came with an offer. the person is a slimey politico, a yes person. with power. oh, no red flags there for one step.
it was important that it go well, as this person could directly affect my getting some more writing work with a corp. that i have done another bit of extremely well paying work for. and in this town – they are about the only big game going.
so, i rewrote it. and of course i had to do it in a few hours and not in a few days – and it kinda sucks. and i didn’t a tiny tweak this am, but there is no more time and NO MORE ENERGY. it’s the fucking stupid job that never ends. and one of the reasons it never ends is that i have PTSD and it is fucking me UP.
this is the thing, i was thrown into this really bad place mentally yesterday because i didn’t do a great job and i couldn’t do a great job in the time, and it was important that i do a great job. so i am hugely let down with myself, and my mind was racing like crazy yesterday and it took hours of laying very still and breathing and getting a little snooze to slow it down.
every day i struggle with trying to get things done. every day i get further behind. i cannot meet the obligations of my life. and it is throwing me into this really bad place.
i see a cognitive therapist (priveleged dork, but he is all i have for free) and i am going to ask for a PTSD evaluation and see if there is a group or something i can attend. when i couldn’t sleep last night i started to do some PTSD research – into the brain chemistry of PTSD.
i am a networker. it is what i do, and i have been networking hardcore to find a new job – i have messed some stuff up in the last week – not being prepared for and missing interviews. this is not like me and i can’t, i just can’t meet these obligations. the pressure is enormous. i keep telling myself i can’t make anymore appt.s with people, but i have to find a job – i have no benefits at all. i haven’t even been able to get it togehter tho go to make an appt for an intake at the food bank. i’d really just like to hide under my bed.
it is hard NOT to network – it is what i do in work and personal life; it’s natural. i have to stop what is completely natural to me, cause i can’t follow through. and i need the people connections. but i can’t follow through. i feel impotent – my power has drained from me, i cannot take care of things.
last night, laying in bed i kept worrying, in dread of the things that are upcoming – pleasant or not – i worried about it. everything seems TOO MUCH.
it’s sunny out today – i am making some breakfast having a bath and getting the fuck out of the tox house. i will take my computer and go to the college and start working on a little bit of what i need to do. i keep trying to get ‘an overview’ on things, and i can’t haven’t been able to for quite a while now. it scares me. but i can’t do it.
may be back to rant some more. sure could use some loving.
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CAmom says:
Onestep–
Sending you lots of love, querida. Te comprendo…
((((((((abrazos fuertes)))))))))
XOXOXOXOXOOXOXXO
CAmom
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kim frederick says:
I really feel for you this AM. You definately have a plateful. My life is kind of at the opposite extreme…
I do remember a time when my mind would not rest and let me sleep, though, and I had a couple of tricks I would use.
If you use a sort of mantra…I don’t know if you’re a religious person…I sometimes used the 22 psalm, (is it the 22nd, or the 24rth…not sure,) but the one that says, “the lord is my sheapard,I shalt not want….” But you could just as easily use comforting song lyrics, or a stnza of a poem. You just keep repeating it in your mind and by doing that you block out worrisome thought, fears, and other negitivity. If your mind wanders, simply pull it back. It helps to calm the mind.
Sometimes, if you start at your toes, and work up, concentrating on every bone and muscle in your body, willing each one to relax and calm down, this,too refocusses your mind. It might help.
The other thing I wanted to say is this: Of course your writing wasn’t up to your standards…let it go! Not your fault!
Maybe some time in the future you’ll be fortunate enough to write what you want, when you want, and how you want…
until then, just do your best.
I hope you feel better soon, and feel like you’ve accomplished good things today!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
gracias Camom and kim.
kim – i was doing both those things….it was just such a BIG stupid, it wouldn’t let go.
i am slowly working it through…very slowly.
yesterday i got a package in the mail and a quick glance at the return address, i thought it was the spath. which showed me how vulnerable i feel that i am still accessible to her via mail. i had it half opened before i realized it wasn’t from her. and that’s something to be concerned about – i wanted to know what she sent. she promised something months ago – and part of my heart that was in love with that silly story and that doesn’t exist boy, still waits for it.
but it wasn’t from her.
it was from patch adams. yup, funny guy doctor robin williams played him in the movie patch adams.
i had gone to hear him speak the day before the fake boy fake died. awhile ago – a few weeks ago i was melting down on lf and dealing the the stupid (now gone neighbor) and the police. and during that shitty day – i wrote patch adams. told him this:
Dear Patch
You came through town in September 09 and I went to hear you at XXXXX university. The next day, the person I thought was my soon to be lover, died, after months of trauma, illness and surgeries.
And I found out that I had been scammed. The person was not who they said they were, but actually a sociopathic woman who has been harming people in this way for decades.
Months later, I am coming apart. I have lived in this little city for a while, returning after 25 years away, staying ‘cause my demented mom is here – and developing serious reactions to molds and animals, dust and benzenes – to the very environment. I have had three serious ‘chemical injuries’ in the last year. My life, for the last few months, has been the cliff side.
I turn 50 next month, and have been dealing with fibro and CFS (for lack of better words) since art school in the early 90’s. I have pulled out of the depressions I was in, I have regained much of my energy – but now, I am struggling under these new blows to my health, trust and stamina.
My hands, my lovely artistic hands, were injured while cooking for a living about 4 years ago – I have had to re invent myself in this crazy small place where it is hard to find work. I am one week away from being unemployed again, as my contract ends. The stress in beyond humane.
Last spring new neighbours, smoking like chimneys basically drove me from my home, ill. I moved into a newly renovated apt….and have been trying to cope with the off gassing. Sick sick sick. All winter with the windows open, can’t get another roommate, ‘cause it’s too cold. I am poor, sick and angry, with mounting debt and no resources for other housing.
I went to clown school when I was 26. I want so much to do a buffoon class – those creatures based on what is most broken in us. I love that you bowl in clown in Virginia. I say that, and normal folk have no idea what the fuck I am talking about. They don’t know the magic. I didn’t clown for long – I used to get lost inside my clown, and found it very hard to come out (I bought a little hand held music box, and when I felt my energy start to flag, I would play it, and slowly, the melancholy song would pull me down out of clown.)
I know now, after the sociopath, that I have an ‘anxiety disorder’ (again, just a label). I have done so much, tried so hard to …to what? I don’t know – to love and be loved, to deal with health problems, to support myself – but it is tiring. I need a bit of ‘traction’ in the world. I have given too much, to those who could not give to me – to those who were so disordered, or just plain afraid of feeling, that I now don’t know how to be in the world and be safe.
A grief counselor I am seeing suggested I write you – after I had told her about going to your talk and about what clown means to me. There is much in my life like that – big meaning and no one has a fucking clue how vast and important it is. I am a bit of a freak, trying to fly under the radar. I kinda like the ‘ordinary folk’ and like to run among them (I work in communications, fundraising, development and whatever the fuck else people will hire me to do) but my soul is not much fed among them. That is the thing the ‘spath’ gave to me – a world of magic.
I am lonely, bored to my bones with the struggle, and so sick. I know what would start to heal me – a warm safe home, artists about, soulful ones about, engaged citizens about, fine clean food air and water and sustaining right work; the time and support to work with my body and diet to change what has come, and to untie the knots in my heart.
I don’t write asking for anything. But to have my words touch the island you have created, with best wishes for my own life, and for all of yours.
______________________
he sent me a very funny book on joy. and a very nice letter with a pic of him in clown that is SO funny -i have it on my fridge now. he invited me to come to Peru (ay, querida
) to clown with them. of course i can’t afford it, but , ya never know.
it was i reaching out.
xo one step
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ErinBrock says:
One:
POWER BE TO YOU my dear!!!!
Peace and comfort today, to take into your tomorrows.
XXOOO
EB
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silvermoon says:
One,
Patton ( my current favorite quote guy) said
“Success is hor far you bounce after you hit the bottom”.
A bad day is a bad day and a bad day in a situation that requires contortion to get through the simple things is as you sad: Too Much.
So, dont worry about the appointments. Take a smaller step and know that even on a bad day, you can find peace.
Its built in. All you have to do is access it.
Maybe as beautifully as you write, you might compose a letter of encouragement to yourself. I bet yours should hang on the frig too.
Remember, you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you. Here. Now.
Namaste
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kim frederick says:
What a great story, One, thanks for sharing that. Gosh, I wish I could put you on a plane in clown, and send you off to Peru, so you could play with Patch.
I worked in a doll-shop, once and felt a world of enchantment around me…it was, as you say, magical.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
kim – how absolutely lovely.
i so love the idea of being ‘put on a plane in clown’ and going off to play with the other clowns, especially in a country where spanish is spoken.
you should see the pic he sent…..he is squatting down, in HUGE butted clown pants, to talk to a group of young children…it’s taken from the back – and is ALL ABOUT THE BUTT!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Silvermoon – I have some great quotes by winston churchill somewhere…
I read the ‘bounce’ Patton quote when you posted it earlier – I liked it a lot, and have always wanted to believe this – but i am not sure i am finished going down in this round, and i think it has a bit of the ‘American Dream’ (heavy on the dream part) woven into it – which i just can’t believe in anymore. but i like the quote nonetheless.
i took your suggestion to heart. i have written a letter to myself – a letter speaking to myself, for myself and as myself. these three things are different from one another – but you’ll understand when you read it.
Dear One Step,
I know you miss your mother. She would be the one who would write you a note to encourage you. Although it didn’t happen more than a handful of times, it did happen a handful of times. Remember that list she wrote a few years ago? She said you were loyal, loving, intelligent, artistic, compassionate, creative…don’t remember the rest of it off the top of my head.
But I know that you feel blasted out of the water; you don’t know how to define yourself right now, can’t touch ideas and words without finding pain and tears. But you look at yourself and you see a resilience that has been hewn in heartwood in the last year. You see both your creativity – the way you work with people to help them focus their businesses – and you see your fear that you cannot do that well or consistently right now. You have experience, but you also make it up on the fly – you assimilate information and think on your feet, you have learned how to take the time to think when you are unsure. And right now you are terrified – you fear that you cannot work on the fly,; that you cannot work with other’s dysfunction (and they are everywhere) and not be slayed. All your weaknesses and fears laid bare. Unemployable. Shamed. The fear, the need to hide this about yourself weighs you like field stones tied on your ankles. And although you sit on the river bank of the swollen early spring river, the rocks are undeniably in the mid stream of the river.
Sit quiet, find the stillness, ignore the other side
of the river where the ‘normal’ functioning lays
green as the grass. grasp one rope in each hand,
and pull yourself into the freezing water…gasp
and stand still. You can be in this water. You have
been in a shed wearing a toque all winter.
Slowly, slowly pull against the ropes, move across
the current to their weights. With a straining
rope in each hand, a rock to each side, turn and
open your chest to the flooding river, and be
cleansed.
You think that others would at worst take relish in your pain and failure, and at best you expect they would hide their eyes and turn away…. My girl, you are not like this. Why ….ahh, I see. It is the experience of this last couple of years that tells you others would act this way. I am so glad that you never gave the spath one word to feed her violence in the devalue. Not one. One, you are smart. You didn’t know what you were dealing with, but you are fucking smart.
I wish you could not work for awhile. Just be in the sun somewhere for a few hours a day. You must give yourself some of this right now. I know it seems impossible, but you must. And look, look how hard K. is working to find you a business opportunity? I know you fear, because all these meetings require you to think and be on your toes…and to have business clothes and you are eating in pain….and your clothes don’t fit. If you give yourself time to be in nature right now…I know there are many problems and even trying to write this out, you are overwhelmed. So, we will leave this, and veer back on to the side of the road that says: support.
You are coming to know that your value is not in any thing you are or have been. This is probably the most important thing we can ever do. One of the things you learned supporting the ever dying and melting down spath was, that you have an innate belief in living. That, no matter how bad life is, you believe in it. You couldn’t find a reason for this – it just is. You have lived an amazing life. I know there is a lot of emotional and physical pain right now, and that it is clouding the moon of your being, but not only is there a bedrock worth in both you and in life, there are things in and of you – the manifestation of your being that must be worthy of note.
I know you really identified yourefl with your compassion for the last few years. And how this imbalance has landed you hard on the gravely dirt. And how your hands and art and business were so entwined and how the loss of the use of your hands in the way you had always been able to use them, cut you to the soul…but the overuse of your hands was also an imbalance. (I know it is hard to find something you can do, that is okay for your body.) But the theme here is – you are being given purification opportunity after purification opportunity – to lose your identifications and value youself no.matter.what.
One step writes: it is all I can come back to, this
core, this worthy core; just because. I cannot say
I am this or that, I am either too damaged and/
or to smart to go there right now, as it may be
counter to this very strong emergent focus on
innate worth.
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silvermoon says:
That is lovingly beautiful and I have no words that add to what you write except to say how much I admire the worthy core that is so very obvious to those of us at a distance.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful words. They reach far across the ether.
I think you said it when you wrote: value youself no.matter.what.
Think I need my teddy bear……..
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bopeep says:
I have several times gone to court w the piece of garbage S that was in my life…He loves going to court. He filed an involuntary banckrupcy against ME …he did all his own legal work and paid a laywer to stand there and present his case…Because this had to do with my business…I had to hire a law firm to represent me also. I “won” in court…left with a bill of $65,000 and he just appeals , appeals, appeals…I tried to take a restraining order out on him and he fought it with about a foot high of his “evidence” and I actually lost! If you have been royally ripped of call your local FBI office…If you are the first victim it could be frustrating and they may not take interest but they keep the file and as more people come out and do the same because he will continue his con…its FUN for them! and hopefully it will catch up to him one day. A friend of mine actually printed 3,000 copies of his picture on a flyer she made and described what the S had done to her and posted them in every ladies room bathroom…subways..let them fly out the sunroof of her hummer at a busy time of day in a very populated area to spread the word! Though he never went to jail…he hauled ass out of town from the shame! It is an endless battle with an S ….they never stop. You would be surprised how many they are conning at once…We..cannot fathom this balancing act as they do it without breaking a sweat…To them its a game…its fun…Get their name out there with the authorities (despite how frustrating THAT is) but do it anyway…dont let them get away with it…but you could have a billion dollars and not keep up with the legal fees if he is that savvy…by the way..I lost my business and the home I had…so I WILL get him
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kim frederick says:
One-step, the thing that stood out to me in your letter was the cold clear water of the river….did you know that is a symbol of the unconscience? You are in a very good place, a healing place, full of enlightenment. This may be a sort of baptism of the spirit, in which you come to a new understanding of yourself. There is a crystal clear quality about it all, and you seem to be a pproaching it with faith and curiosity.
Many years ago, when I was in colledge, I took a class in dream interpretation, so was intensly interested in what I was dreaming. I had a rather uncouth dream of being in a bathtub with a peice of s@#$. I was trying to remove the @%&* from my bath by taking a wash cloth in my hand and trying to pick it up so I could flush it. But in the process it was coming all apart and defiling all the water in my bath. A few months after that dream, all hell broke loose in my life, I became clinicley depressed and ended up in therapy. I told my therapist a lot of things that led up to my “break-down”, including my bath-tub dream. She asked me to visualize what “MY water” might look like now, and even though my pain was acute and raw, I was angry and smarting, I saw my water as very cold and clear. It smelled like a pine forest.
That’s when I knew I was going to be okay. I was out of the fog, the muddy befuddlement of denial, and I was into reality, clarity and healing. You are too. And that’s a good thing.
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conomo says:
Oddly enough I don’t know the FU song. One would think I did the way I use the word.
I’ll try and google it.
Thanks Kim et al. I really need a laugh today.
I now have to worry about stolen guns the xs stashed somewhere before he was taken away.
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kim frederick says:
Conomo, I think it was EB that introduced us to it. The artists name is Lily Allen. It’s a good one.
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conomo says:
Thanks Kim. I found it. How appropriate for this site. I’ll have to find a bluesier version for my voice though.
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ErinBrock says:
Fu$# You by Lily Allen is my ‘Theme song’….
My oldest son ‘introduced’ me to it one night……saying this is what he felt about his father…..
It inspired me to no end….
I sing it all the time……and when the kids here it playing….they know moms up to something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
I LOVE IT!!!! It fit’s the S perfectly!!!!
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ErinBrock says:
I think I should deeeelllleeeettt this one……
not sure if that should be ‘out there’.
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kim frederick says:
Licking finger for a second time and striking yet another invisable mark in the air…EB 2—Spaths Zip.
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ErinBrock says:
Kimmie….
I hope your washing those hands before you put them in your mouth!!!!!
Cuz….I ain’t done yet……..
HAHAHAHAHAHA
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