LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I fell for it a million times
PDF Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.”
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files … yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” … We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 … his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out … I forgave him.
December 05 … wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 … we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 … I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
March 06 … I forgive.
April 06 … He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 … He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel … I get suspicious, check AA airlines … he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 … Picks fight with me … I get suspicious … pretend I know that he is going away … find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip—it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip … the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later … I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times … In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 … We broke up.
July of 09 … He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply … when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him … l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
tobehappy says:
Oh..and another thing…
I realized today that no NORMAL woman will put up with him..so if he meets a woman online …if she’s normal, she’ll bolt…if not….she will end up finding out what he’s like sooner than I did.
I also realized how insecure I was when I started seeing him.
I am more secure today than I was then. And, I plan on staying strong with men and people now..keeping everyone at an arm’s distance.
One thing I learned on here is that SATAN does roam the earth.
I was living in LaLa land before…giving everyone the benefit of the DOUBT. Now…
When in DOUBT…say NO.
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tobehappy says:
And, another thing…lol…I’m rambling on….
He KNOWS I was good to him..loaned him money to buy his car…always refused money he offered to help me out…always paid him back if I did borrow it….not often.
I used to treat him like a KING….
And the first time I didn’t take his abuse..when he started going off on me about something while we were away…I said..”.F you” and then I avoided him for ten days.
THATS when he RAN!!!!! He knew that the old 2be has left the house!
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tobehappy says:
Yes..Silver,…you are so right.
His brother (not even his real one…) knows him, I think.
Once, he told me that his brother said…”you aren’t taking money from her, are you? she has 3 kids to support!”
After that…he would USE this line on me!!! He would say..
“I’m not taking money from you…you have 3 kids to support…” and he would take it anyway.
I can’t tell you how many times he “forgot his wallet”!
Once I got mad and called him on it..and he said…
“I’m not going to sit here and take that from you!”
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know what? Right this minute..I don’t know why I’m even wasting my time THINKING of this jerk!!
Its only because I’m lonely and fearful that I may never meet a decent man …..
Thats the reason.
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tobehappy says:
Oh, Silver….
I married one too! And had 3kids with him!!!
I could write a book about that deal!!!
I had a Christian counselor tell me…”That man has the heart the size of a pea. you are the first person I ever told to divorce. (and he was old).
I didn’t know anything about Sociopaths or NPD then…
I only knew that he was “damaged goods”…
ANd my g/f’s husb is an FBI profiler…..top agent.
He didn’t like him from hello..
Told my g/f that he is going to kill me and make it look like an accident.
Funny, but when they were talking at their first meeting…he seemed to like him…
He was READING him …and he was RIGHT.
OMG….
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silvermoon says:
Doctor is sending prescription that says when you feel yucky, its time to get out for a latte!
Sometimes you just need to get out and change the energy.
You sound a lot better! But, here’s a clue, you are still talking about him.
And, its history. Your instinct and intuition were good and you challenged him. When you did, he showed true colors.
What is REAL, Right NOW? What do you need to do to let him go and be at peace for a very short time-seconds. If you can find that place for A FEW SECONDS, YOU CAN GO BACK TO IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR A LITTLE LONGER EVERYTIME AND THEN, ONE DAY, HE WILL BE GONE.
You are so going to love Eckhart Tolle. The best is his cd’s!!!
After not doing dishes for a week, I have to resolve that so I can get something to eat. Its been a long day and I’m hungry and ready to kick back with a movie.
I do get it. I go through the same exact thing day after day, bargaining for him to turn out to be a good guy which is not either likely or possible, arguing with whether or not he was an idiot or just evil or both
And the sooner I tell that little voice to shut up, the better I feel. Add latte and flamenco guitar music and ya know, its gonna be ok.
To you! A queen more valueable than any King who is unworthy of the throne in your realm!
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silvermoon says:
2B,
I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIENDS HUSBAND. I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ONE WHO NO LONGER LIVES HERE A GUY LIKE THAT MIGHT BE ABLE TO ANSWER.
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erin1972 says:
Tobe-I’m a little frazzled-thanks for asking. I finally have this weekend to myself with no call and my to do list is longer than what I can possibley get done in the time that I have. I am going to MAKE time to go to the shooting range because it’s fun and de-stresses me.
Currently, cleaning out the car well. Was going to go to the shop 2moro but the dealer is having a huge tradein event for my car and if I can get a lower payment, I may just come home with a new one. This thing needs a new transmission and I don’t have the $4ooo to replace it. Crossing my fingers big time. Been living out of boxes since January when I moved n this apt. and still have things in storage. I need to fix this or it’s going to make me crazy!
Tobe-you are going to be ok. I am going to be ok-I promise. You are an amazing woman and a good person. Don’t worry about not finding the man. I ordered “How To Spot A Dangerous Man”. The workbook said to not even attempt to find one until you fix the reason that you fall for these crappy men who are spaths.
I am going to try to follow that.According to these books, I have a BIG problem with my choosing people. I may have to realize and deal with the fact that I may not have a chance to have a child. There is NO WAY that I am going to choose another man like him-even if I have to be single for the rest of my life.
You will be ok. Make time for yourself and your daughters. They only have one childhood. I’m sure that they would rather have a messy house than a mom who is too stressed to take care of herself. THey love you. I love you (and I’m not gay or anything). TTYL
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tobehappy says:
Erin…. Its SO good that we are realizing that WE need to heal and rebuild…by learning about these guys. I wish I KNEW about Sociopaths and NPD …at YOUR age. I married him at age 35 and it was a big mistake.
One thing…we will NEVER make the same mistake again.
I am on some online free dating sites…and when I get an email saying someone winked…and I go see who it is..
EVERYTIME…I get the “hot flash” anxiety attack!!!! Just like the ones I had for two years and thought it was menopause!!!!
I even went on estrogen patch and it gave me abnormal mammos!!!
I am convinced that SATAN is on this earth. AND….he will make you want to kill yourself.
I NEVER EVER in my life…only when I was a teenager and my socio mom was abusing me…..did I ever THINK of ending mylife. I have 3 TALENTED and beautiful girls…everyone goes crazy over…and I think about it STILL….then I cry and I say..>WOW…did I just think that???
I swear there is SATAN …an evil spirit on this earth. I believe that as much as I believe there is a GREAT SPIRIT..GOD!!!
I am convinced …at my age…that EVIL is around us and I’m done living in Lala land.
And that evil ‘force’ makes us hate ourselves…and it wants us to destroy ourselves…and the closer you are to “God”…being a good person…the harder he works to destroy you.
I am not even a religious person. I am HIGHLY SPIRITUAL…but I KNOW that my X is an evil thing. And, my x husb…
THEY ARE OUT THERE…and I’m not into meeting any new people….esp men….
The minute I get that “anxiety” feeling…I’m gone!!!!
Wish I lived nearby to help you unpack…Just do one box a day.
Everyone on here is right….We have been HIT HARD by Satan…so we need time to heal and PAMPER ourselves…
Thank you and your’e right about the mess…its just MY room…lol…the l/r d/r and kitchen is nice and neat….
I”M the TRain wreck!!!!
TTYL
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erin1972 says:
Tobe-We will get through this. My friend tried to set me up with a good looking guy recently and I had a huge anxiety attack. He and I actually had a lot in common too. He was an officer in the PD where I am going to be going. He works in the 8th district in the French Quarter. She was dogging me for refusing but I have to get better. I have to find out why I keep falling for this so I don’t do it AGAIN! I will probably eventually end up with an officer because they are on the same wavelength as me-but it will be when Erin is ready and is in the place where she needs to be and the self esteem is where it should be.
I feel ya girl-I am right here with you in all of this. We will be OK-we have to work on us and give ourselves some time. I am going to learn a lot from all these books. TTYL
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tobehappy says:
Hey Silver…..
Thanks again…for your wisdom and understanding.
I have to say…I don’t wake up and think about him first thing anymore….THATS an improvement!!
Last time, after 3 months NC…I went back with him…because
I WANTED ANSWERS!!!!
I was dazed and confused from the whole thing….
Guess what….I got NO answers..just more lies..
I always said…You cannot tell ONE lie. Because , then you lie about the lie….and then you lie about the lie you lied about!!!!
Well..I just get realizations popping into my head…from the confusion…
I am going to keep busy reading and doing other things..I was doing better before….
I think of him when I feel lonely. Bad thing.
And, when I’m too tired to fight it on a conscious level.
I will work harder at it.
I’m very TIRED lately running around with my 3 girls shows…
Two down, by Sunday….One more to go!!! lol
Its alot of chauferring …tiring!!!!
I NEVER see my g/f’s husband…He was in Iraq for awhile…and now he works far and is never home….
But, when I DO see him….I’m going to talk to him. He’s one of the top profilers in our country.
Retiring next year..young.
Anyway….I love watching CSI..and Criminal Minds….
Your’e right…time to CANCEL the thoughts of him .
I guess I just need to get the ANGER out….and once I do..
I’ll feel better.
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tobehappy says:
Hey Erin….I had to go pick up my daughter from her show…I’m home now.
Yeah, I hear ya! I don’t want to get involved with anyone for awhile….a dinner date…maybe in a few months.
Doctor’s , law enforcement,…any job that is a “control” job..you have to be leary with them.
Wanna hear something funny? When I went to get my daughter I met one of my daughters friends mom. This little girl looks like my daughters twin. She is a year older so they just met.
Well..she tells me that she is a single mom and her xhusb had a business up north like mine…(cash), hasn’t paid any child support…(owes her 45k) and he doesn’t see his kids…I said..Nice guy like mine.
She said…he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder!!! oMG!!
So, then she said..she met a cop…(like me) and he was a pathological liar!!!!
She lives a few blocks behind me! And we laughed and talked about our lives…very parallell! I was shocked that these guys that she was involved with were charming…etc..etc…
I told her about my experiences and what I learned. She said…they aren’t normal and she said she doesn’t even want to date anymore!
She is very attractive too!
Imagine that!!!!!
So, I told her to stop by …and I hope she does. It was so nice to talk…and we even laughed about it. I told her I need to work on ME so that I don’t attract another one! She mentioned something about our NEURONS in our brains…
What a coincidence!!! (meant to be)
So….there’s alot of them out there..WE just need to improve our self esteem and toughen up so that
WE DON”T GET SUCKED IN AGAIN!!!!!!!
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silvermoon says:
Yes you will.
I was just looking at the saferelationships website and saw that there are retreats and books -this one deals with the obsession issue and that is what we talk about all the time here.
I have this great idea to put together a retreat about this at a place in the Sierra Foothills.
http://saferelationshipsmagazi.....bsession-2
but I am sure their programs are very good too.
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erin1972 says:
Tobe-you are lucky to find someone there to talk to. Nobody here really understands what I’m talking about. They just think that I should be over him by now.
I am going to work on me. For the first time I realize that it isn’t life or death if I don’t have a man right now. I have to have my career. That evil man kept me from it and NO MORE. He knew that I was on to him and that’s why he discarded. I think he also knew that with me being a police officer, it would be even harder for him to get away with his shit. So after encouraging me, he took it all away. That bastard has NO MORE POWER in this. He is dead to me!
It’s all about us now. They are GONE forever and they are never coming back. Be gone-devils!
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silvermoon says:
There is an old saying that goes something like a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle….
Yes, people think that as soon as you tell them what happened you should be over what happened to you.
The part that lingers is very hard to deal with. But the absolute is that HE IS GONE. No Contact = NO Power.
And no matter what truth or BS they were spouting, risking anything, a job, a house, a bank account or a minute, isn’t worth it.
It is so beautiful to read the difference between your post tonight and the earliest ones I read.
Erin, that doesn’t happen without you doing a lot of hard work.
I think we should put BE GOne -Devils in a spray can…What say you?
PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Don’t Mess with ERIN!!!!!
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erin1972 says:
Silvermoon-there should be some sort of repellent-like bug spray to keep them away. Once I am a cop I will have pepper spray and a taser-along with my two guns and the knife.
I am beginning the work right now!
I have to drive by his office and his hospital on my way to and from work. I no longer even have the urge to come up on the sidewalk and run him over-I used to want to!
There is a sociopath M.D. that works with me and one of the old guys lit into him yesterday and handed him his ass in front of everybody. The old guy was still talking about it today and I heard him tell another doctor-” I can’t stand him-he is a complete narcissist!” It was so cool. Dr. O is old as hell but he can pick them out easy as anything.
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tobehappy says:
Most people do not understand…even my best friends …at first…said….2be…”He is a liar…be glad he’s gone…you don’t need that” But, I explained to them that its a very toxic r/s..with a man like this…a sociopath…and they hpnotise you and say things and show you so much love and attention at first….then confuse you…..and I told them that I have to detox..because I WAS in love with this “thing”. I told them to just listen to me and not say a word…lol THEN when I’m finished ….they can talk. LOL
Its difficult for people to understand . Unless someone gets mesmorized by one of these demons…they can’t relate. I only talk to people who can.. And I tell them…I don’t want him in my life at all ….but I am STILL hurt!!
Betrayal is brutal……
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tobehappy says:
Erin..sounds like you are getting stronger everyday.
And, we probably look at each other’s guys as complete selfish lying losers…
But, WE were sucked in…so its hard.
But, its not easy to end any relationship..your’e so close..and friends…lovers…then PooF!!! The way these guys can turn on you so fast…wow! ….
Thats the shocking part. But, …never again
Watching Ellen..recorded all week..lol
I wish I was gay>…lol
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erin1972 says:
Tobe-the betrayal is horrible. I am finally where I am not saying-”I can’t believe he did that.” I was still saying that-even after I was on this site. Last week I was saying it-until some of the people on here kept talking to me about it.
Ths discard and the events leading up to it were a huge shock. I was literally hit with a ton of bricks. Then I saw his true colors.
Don’t wish you were gay-it is a very hard way to be. One of my best friends and some others are. I will tell you that after I had dated two sociopths earlier, I was done with men. I had a relationship with a woman -it was May to September and sure enough-SHE was also a sociopathe-see how screwed I am? She was not right. She had been in long-term therapy for years and would not tell me why-talk about ingnoring big red flags. She slept with someone else and maybe two people when she was with me. We broke up and she suckered me back in too. I can tell you more about it later if you want.
I realized that my close friend and mentor had been gay her whole life. I couldn’t copy her just because she was my mentor. I couldn’t force what wasn’t naturally in me. That’s why I am convinced that people are born gay-they don’t choose it-for the most part.
My friend is so beautiful and so is her partner. It does make me said that her paretns went to their grave not knowing who she really was. I think it would be hard to keep that secret if you had to be in the closet. Her brothers don’t even know the truth cuz she refers to her partner as her room-mate.
See, I have a big fat problem with these evil sociopaths-I have serious big time work to do on my self to figure out why I continually fall for this and it’s stupid. There is something wrong with me from my upbringing and messages that I was fed subconsciouly about what I should accept. Every SINGLE relationship, other than my first teenage boyfriend was sociopathic. I am afraid. I am really scared!!
I am watching Mamma Mia-one of my favorite movies. I could watch it over and over!
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myboysmattermost says:
I haven’t posted in a while but I do read everyday…for guidance and for strength.
As expected, it did not show up for the TRO hearing and I won by default. I got to tell the judge what happened and she signed it right away…allowing me to restrict access to our son. It has 10 more days to respond to the divorce petition and then my lawyer and I will get the default divorce asap. I could be divorced as early as April 19. I am happy about this but having a bit of a hard weekend as Monday would have been our 14th anniversary and it is hard not to remember the few good times.
I keep reminding myself that those few good times were not what it was really all about and the bad times far outweigh them…and what he has done since the separation has proven to me he is definitely not the man I want…
But I have such a hard time being alone and I need to work on this. I am almost 43 and I do want to remarry someday…I just keep remembering hearing how hard it is to remarry after 40…I certainly don’t want to rush into it and know that I have to learn to be by myself but it was something I never really enjoyed…probably what got me into this mess in the first place!! I was a lonely single mother when it found me…
I guess I am just feeling a little lonely right now and grieving the death of my marriage as it is almost over….and I can’t seem to stop crying. I know what I am doing is the right thing for me. and the boys..it just still hurts.
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ErinBrock says:
MyBoys:
Yes….the grief does hurt…..but really….it’s temporary….and it does dull!
There is really no sense in romantasizing a day that ended up NOT mattering in the end……develope a NEW day….every day FOR YOU!
I’m glad he’s not responded…..and IT woudl be wonderful if he goes default on the divorce!!!!
Stay intouch and let us know how you are…..you know we are always around…..
Remain strong and keep your focus girl!!!
XXOO
EB
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one_step_at_a_time says:
erin1972 – hi erin, i don’t follow everything her, so i don’t know if anyone has recommended the book the Betrayal Bond to you.
it’s really good for learning to deal, with ‘your big fat problem’.
best,
one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Myboys:
hurray, things are moving forward!
the grief is understandable. i think it is good to be aware of ‘anniverary’ reactions, so that we aren’t tripped up by our feelings by not knowing what they are connected to.
I turn 50 this week. i have decided that if i have to be alone the rest of my life, i will enjoy my sleeping under my big duvets, go for long walks on the shore, and learn to like and give care, support and attention to myself. it’s a big order, but it is necessary.
take care
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erin1972 says:
one_step-
thanks for the recommendation-I might as well get it considering I have 6 books that just came. I plan to read everything I can get my hands on. I’m trying to read in my copious spare time. It might take a year to finish all these books.
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kim frederick says:
But what a year well-spent, Erin. You will be investing in YOU; in your education, and emotional well-being.
It will give your life focus and make you stronger. I think you have an excellant plan.
PS, this must be the 600++ thread. Slow, slow, slow!!
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tobehappy says:
Good Morning everyone….
Felt good to sleep in and I’m still in bed! Nice..at ten. Finally none of my girls have play practice or soccer games..etc..lol today.
Erin…I identify with your feeling so much…Even though I woke up this morning and was thinking…
“Wow, he was really retarded! His writing alone was awful and some of the things he SAID…were off kilter. Wow, I was with a brain damaged person..”
In essence, he is. My very intelligent g/f told me when I was married to one…”HE IS DAMAGED GOODS”.
I really didn’t believe her at the time. In fact, she calle him
“INSANE”.
And this xb/f …ugh…Even people in work said..when he first started..
“He is SO stupid”…..and I would say…
“Aww…poor guy”
WOW! ANY time I EVER feel sorry for someone…I am going to catch myself and RUN from them!!!!!
THAT is what is wrong with US Erin…..we feel SORRY for them and BUY their bullsh*t. We are TOO emapathic!!!!
Do you know why???? Because we feel sorry for OURSELVES…the little child in us that was abused and when we see someone else in pain (pity ploy), we want to help them!!!!
The abuse we experienced as children “damaged” us to be the opposite of a sociopath.
So, I think ..that when you are abused it goes one way or another…..depending on the genes you inherit too.
My two sisters are “sick” sociopaths. My older one is EXACTLY like our cousin…she is a sociopath too. Both abused their children and husband…
Yet…I am different…complete OPPOSITE.
But, now that we are aware of this problem…we can fix it.
What are some of the books you ordered, Erin?
Yes..time heals…
This morning I woke up feeling alot different…about things.
I must have been lonely and desparate to settle for someone manipulating me with words…..at the time, it was better than nothing…
Now I realize…it WAS nothing….it was all for HIM.
I guess I was getting something out of it..or I wouldn’t have kept going back.
But, it was the agony and the extacy….
The “I love you texts” warmed my heart…
But, the lies I caught him in caused me anguish..
Not worth it…
One step…..I feel the same way. If I meet a man, fine…if not…I’m going to be happy. I didn’t date for seven years that I moved here with my baby girls..
I spent all of my time with friends and them and family…lots of laughs…always busy…kept telling myself….
“Tobe….when the time is right..the man will appear”…
Unfortunately, I settled for less. The time WASNT right..I wasn’t well yet….I was putting everything I had into my girls…and I was just going to start on ME…going to gym..getting out more…and this Socio zoomed right in when he heard me say that I was going to start dating again…(at work) and TARGETTED me.
So , he threw me off track..but I’m back where I was before we met….Happier without a dysfunctional man in my life.
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kim frederick says:
Morning, Tobe. You sound good. Positive, moving in the right direction. You Go Girl!
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tobehappy says:
Silvermoon…
How was your night?
I just reread your original post to me last night.
WOW…you are SO smart. And, so kind to help me out.
I did feel you with me last night in spirit.
Thank you and I appreciate your advice and effort to help me out. It really helped me so much….I was in alot of pain yesterday. A lot of anxiety.
Today,I feel better…thanks to you and everyone here. HUGS
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tobehappy says:
Okay…just found out the my g/f’s cousin found out yesterday that she has breast cancer…and is going into immediate surgery.
So, we need to TREASURE our lives and, like someone said on here…just because there is a monster out there that tried to destroy our lives…had hurt us…doesn’t mean our lives are over.
We need to live on and enjoy each day.
Pray for her cousin…thanks…HUGS
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myboysmattermost says:
Thanks Erin and oops! think I had one glass of wine too many last night:)
Then I had dream about the spath!!:( I was reconciling with it…it has tried but I really think that it is a way for it to get back into the home and take everything, leaving me high and dry. I firmly believe that was it’s original intent but I foiled its plans by calling the police – so it fled.
It was not served the day I thought it was…but it knew about them as it CALLED the process server the next day and told her that he was not even in Florida – ummm…doctor’s receipt indicates he was!!
So back to the judge I went…and my awesome lawyer (SOO glad I found him! He’s young, he’s new but he gets it!!)
Finally got stbx served last Monday through his sister after it successfully dodged service for 2 weeks… His mail was being sent to this sister. They tried to serve him there last week and she brought the server in and made a big production of calling his mom and all around with a reply that “no one knows where he is and no one knows how to reach him”. Well his unemployment checks were going to his sister’s address so the judge ruled she could be served in substitute. The second time around, she wouldn’t answer the door as it was “night” (same time as before) so the server taped the papers to the door.
The next morning his SISTER CALLS MY lawyer and tells him that her brother is a wonderful kind man and that I have been physically abusing him for 14 years and I am a horrible mean woman that does drugs and neglects my children and that he has to take his tranquilizers because I would only cook once a week…?????
However calling the lawyer did prove she got the papers!! She tried to tell my lawyer that she didn’t get “the papers”, only a card and he replied that his number was ONLY listed within the papers. LOL…she then went on to tell him that she could not be put in the middle as she was so sick and proceeded to describe all her “ailments” to him. The same ailments she has weekly when she is obtaining pain medication, at the expense of the gov’t. The stbx would not even let her in our home or around our child as she continually abused these meds and now they are best friends???
In one of his last emails…the calls and emails finally stopped, coincidentally the same day “nobody got the papers”, thank goodness, NC is so much easier this way.
, anyway it indicated I would never get the divorce as it will never sign the papers (but I am such a monster as described by him and his family)
However it is wrong…and I am getting a default divorce. It seems to think that if he ignores it all, it won’t happen. It also has not asked for the paperwork it needs to file his taxes. I am filing MFS to protect myself as it won’t turn over the additional info I need to file.
Just like in our marriage, it would have to be up to me to take care of it all. Even when it got speeding tickets, I had to stay on top of it or pay them myself to make sure it was done. Boy was I an enabler…no wonder it thought it could be tanked all day and stay in bed while I worked. I told him he is welcome to that life, just not with me and this time I meant it! That is why he was planning to have me jailed (he had spoken to a friend who successfully had her husband jailed by making marks on her neck herself months before and I remember him telling me about it) so he planned to do the same …but it backfired and he fled.
He now has 9 days to respond and if he does not, I will be granted a default divorce next month and I end up with everything…
I am sure I have not seen the last of him, he won’t even know we are divorced unless someone sends him something…but I am planning to move and wish him luck finding me…
Looks like this will be the best anniversary.
just need to stay away from the wine…LOL
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one_step_at_a_time says:
erin1972 – it has lots of good exercises, and really explains why we are targets.
best luck!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
tobe – i did the same thing, i capitulated.
i was just about to come closer to myself again, work on that relationship, and whamo.
i have a lot of work to do too.
may it be rich and fruitful.
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tobehappy says:
Hey One step….I gave my email address to Donna to give it to you…
Did you get it???
You are so smart and your words really help me so much.
I’m looking forward to that “obsessive thinking” work you are going to send me. I appreciate it so much.
Funny, but today I barely thought about the monster or had any good or bad feelings about it.
Hmmmm….(was too busy cleaning )
Gotta get out of here…too nice of a day ..wanna get on my bike…before the sun goes down.
LOL…. Thanks again
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one_step_at_a_time says:
2 BE, Not yet. I checked my email last night, but i am sure i will get it soon.
now get out and ride!
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tobehappy says:
Hey….I think we should all switch threads and post on the
Bachelor thread. There are too many one here……
See you all there!!
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lesson learned says:
Abigail,
It is as if you were writing MY story with my spath!!!!!
It also helps me to feel that I wasn’t ALONE…I so GET this!!!
I’ve not read through all of the posts here yet, but wherever you are now, whatever is going on, I would love to hear that you’re doing well now!!!
Bless your heart!!! Thank you for your courage to write this. I totally TOTALLY understand!!!
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