LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I fell for it a million times
PDF Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we’ll call “Abigail.”
I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, “Why are you so sad?” He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him!
I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn’t question him when he didn’t call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn’t see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, going out every weekend. We would go everywhere, alone, with friends.
That Christmas he gave me a beautiful diamond heart. I didn’t spend the holidays with him as I had not met his family, again thinking that due to his recent divorce, it was okay. April of 05 he decided to go to Vegas with his mom, didn’t ask me to go. While he was gone, I decided to take my diamond heart to get cleaned. That’s when my life turned around. I searched for the diamond certificate. When I found it; it was carefully cut out—amount, address, phone number. I thought my children had done that. I called my friend and she immediately said something is very wrong! I called my sister and asked her to check the clerk’s records for divorce files … yep, no divorce! He had been lying to me for almost a year!!!!!!! By then I was totally, stupidly in love with him!
After that I confronted him. He cried; he got a nosebleed. Please forgive him! “If I told you, by the time I knew I was in love with you, I was afraid you would leave me. We live in the same house but we are not together.” … We were separated two weeks and then he said he just couldn’t live without me. “I will get a divorce, I promise.” I fell for it a million times.
Timeline
November of 05 … his wife got pregnant, in vitro fertilization, I thought I was going to die when I found out … I forgave him.
December 05 … wife loses pregnancy. He told me nothing would make him happier than becoming a father.
January 06 … we plan a pregnancy, without him giving me any reassurances. I took the chance because I loved him and wanted to see him happy.
February 06 … I get pregnant, one week later he walks in, tells me he can’t do it! One week after that, I abort the pregnancy that was created with such love! (By me.) I went alone, of course. Night of the abortion, he calls begging for forgiveness, he didn’t realize what he was doing, please do not abort when he knew I had already done it.
March 06 … I forgive.
April 06 … He moves out of the marital home and in with his mother.
November 06 … He tells me his father is sick and needs to travel … I get suspicious, check AA airlines … he left to go to Washington with his wife. Wrote me a letter, which his mom handed to me. “Please forgive me for this trip, I need to end my previous life so that I can start new with you.” A few weeks later, I forgive.
February 07 … Picks fight with me … I get suspicious … pretend I know that he is going away … find out he is leaving on a trip to Puerto Rico with the wife, although they no longer live together. He texted me 10 days in a row from his trip—it’s a business trip, please forgive him. When he gets back I get an email from his wife, seemed like, excuse my husband for taking a trip … the email stated that it was a business trip and that she knows he was texting me and that they grew apart. One day later … I forgive him.
In 2007 we went back and forth a million times … In December of 07, again he went away to Jacksonville. The next couple of years were the same—promises, promises, he went to see an attorney several times, but never went through the divorce.
February of 09 … We broke up.
July of 09 … He begged me back. Bought rings for both of us, wanted to bring the family together to give me the ring in front of them. I refused after I found out that he went back home, took her to New York, then came back and decided that it was never going to work with her.
Finally together
I refused him until September 09. We got back together; it was good for the first time in a long time. He moved in this past December. Still no divorce. We brought our families together; I thought this was it! This past Saturday, he was in the shower, his phone was buzzing, I checked his messages for the first time, it was her! Asking him where was his happiness, why was he doing this, she wanted an answer.
I confronted him—why he was communicating with her? He denied everything. I told him to please just tell me the truth; he was being so good that I knew that maybe it’s just her. He denied. I asked him about the divorce, he said it would get done. When? His reply … when it does. Finally I said I was going to email her to get answers.
That’s when he lost it! He asked if I wanted bloodshed. He took me to the bedroom got his gun, loaded it and placed it on his head. I told him all he was doing was diverting from the truth, all this drama in order for him not to tell me the truth. He said he was going to do this outside. My 13 year old was in the other room. We walked over to the back door, at which time he started kicking it because the key wasn’t in the lock. When I didn’t get the key, he shot the door. HE SHOT THE DOOR!!
He has never displayed this aggression before. Also, in the almost two months we were living together, he never discussed what bills we were going to pay. He bought the food and that’s it, knowing that I’m drowning and behind on the mortgage. But he was still paying half the mortgage of the marital home.
I still can’t believe how calm I was; I guess maybe shock??? I picked up the shell of the bullet, looked at him and said, “You know this is it, and all because you wouldn’t tell me the truth.” He packed up everything and left.
Don’t feel sad
Last summer I did see a therapist and he did tell me that he is a sociopath and I still went back to him … l’m relieved; for the first time I don’t even feel sad. I can’t believe it took this for me to realize that I would have been at this for years to come.
So sorry, I know this was long, but it makes me feel better. I have even lost friendships because of him. My best friend just got so tired of seeing me like this that she literally broke up with me, saying it was just too painful to watch.
I wish I could write a book or talk to people about how important it is not to get robbed of your own emotions. It happened to me in the worst way and took six years away from me. I’m petrified to start over. I don’t know if I can!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read about my difficulties. I even have a feeling of embarrassment. I am smart, good mom, have survived on my own, held the same job for 17 years. I thought I knew better than this!
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
tobehappy says:
Hey Erin….
Eventful. How was yours?
I am feeling alot better, thank you…
I dropped off Whipped cream to my daughter who called and said she forgot it for a party…so I brought it to the wrong daugher! Wrong school! lol
Then I paid my cable/internet bill early and they shut me down an hour later. Got it turned back on.
Then, a socio woman cheer coach who had been slandering my daughters name to the girls..(she quit the squad)…after I called her on it in an email..in a NICE way…she wrote to me and twisted it saying I am slandering HER name now!!! OMG…I didn’t like her from hello…control freak..
So, I killed her with kindness and asked her nicely to please stop. DENY DENY DENIED it. (3 cheerleaders reported this to my daughter)
And then I had a flat tire…
Besides all that..I had a great day.
I realized something that Popped me out of the anger stage.
I DO NOT WANT A LIAR OF ANY SORT IN MY LIFE!!!!
So, I’m moving on.
I feel like it was so long ago!! I don’t think of him when I wake up and barely all day.
I don’t know what did it…maybe the SAMe???
I think I realized that I deserve SO much better and that I am missing a relationship..not HIM….and..
that I WILL meet another man.
In fact, God is working in weird ways…since I just “surrendered” and gave it all up to God….whatever is meant to be will be…..and I truly believe that the GOD inside of me…did this for a reason…for the best for me and my angels…
I’m very spiritual. Theres a website called Godwinks…its all about looking for miracles everyday.
I am really a believer that whatever we THINK , we draw into our lives for a reason.
There was a reason I met my x b/f..I needed to learn something.
In the Course of Miracles..which I studied moons ago..lol..I remember my college professor saying….”There are only lessons and love.”
Until you LEARN the lesson..you will keep going back to the same thing and replay it.
The lesson I learned through this…was to be WARY of people.
And…..to NEVER ignore your gut feeling.
And…..to trust CONDITIONALLY.
And…..to teach my children about sociopaths and how to
repel them
And….to stop being a people pleaser …this is ME..this is what I WANT…this is how I FEEL…..and if you don’t like it…
Take a hike.
Thats the NEW ME!
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erin1972 says:
Tobe-I’m glad your day was ok. Maybe you can send some of your positive energy to me cuz I am not feeling it right now. I feel like hell.
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tobehappy says:
Talk to me, Erin…you need to express it and let it out.
I’m all ears…..come on…
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conomo says:
Erin … I drive in that car….we can do it.
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erin1972 says:
tobe-it’s not the man. I’m just frustrated. I spent the whole day arguing with doctors and others. I don’t even have time or space to be sick. I felt horrible all day and Ms Nurse over here is really crabby when she doesn’t feel well. Two or three times a year I get real sick with the allergies-usually from not taking my medicine. I didn’t have health insurance since May of 2009 so I wasn’t taking the medicine. I just signed up for my insurance but it hasn’t gone through yet. I just felt awful all day and had to take something OTC that I wasn’t supposed to take and it made me worse. My sinuses are burning so bad that I am crying-it makes me crazy-and I’m on call tonight.
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conomo says:
Erin find a good pro-biotic and goldenseal…stay on the pro-biotic for as long as it feels good….take that goldenseal for 7 to 10 days and cut the sugar (it feeds the bad bacteria)
Where I live and I know you can’t depend on insurance or the government to help you be healthy….peepes take their health into their own hand…my hope is that they do it and spread the word!!!
I do so believe if we feel healthy we are more able to speak about it!!!!
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angelforyou says:
Erin,
I’m sorry you are feeling so rotten and still have to be on call. I hope you don’t get called in and that you can sleep. Man you can’t even take anything to knock yourself out….
Tobe,
My you are a busy girl!
LF friends…thank you
Well Take Care,
Angel
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tobehappy says:
Aww….wish I could bring you some nice hot soup…and tuck you into your bed ….. When you are tired and weary…its no fun..(I’m not gay ….just a “mom”…although, I wish I was attracted to women…I’d marry Ellen..LOL!!!)
My g/f and I always joke about that. She is married to a guy who financially well off…but….she really doesn’t like him. Maybe she “loves” him..but…oh well….I don’t like too many men…..
Your resistence is probably low…from stress. Maybe a nice hot bath???
I feel so helpless so far away!! I hope they don’t call you in tonite…YOU need rest!!!
Crying is cleansing….maybe it’ll get rid of “poisons” in your body.
I wish I could drive over……:(
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conomo says:
It being: a way of addressing our health that is natural and good for us, the environment and autonomy. That is severely compromised …GMO’s anybody???
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angelforyou says:
What is a GMO???
Well I never got back to the reading, and I have taken a sleeping pill.
You three..have a peaceful night.
I am looking forward to work, as it take my my mind off myself!
I pray for you all Sweet dreams..I really mean it and for me too!
Pets and children and gems and chimes and lambs and bunnies and meadows and lakes…in our dreams.
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erin1972 says:
Tobe-thanks for your concern. It is frustrating not to have that soft place to fall. It was no better when A*** and I were together. I used to hate it so much when I needed him and he was home with her. Last year I had two flat tires and a car accident at different times and he was home with her. He would always text me and say how he was so sorry that he couldn’t be with me. LIAR!!!It is bad to have a flat tire in the middle of winter when it’s freezing and countless men can just watch a woman change her own tire without stopping to help. Sorry I’m ranting-maybe not enough oxygen is getting to my brain.
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tobehappy says:
I know Erin….but he probably WAS sorry he couldn’t be with you..you were his great “supply”!!!
The wife at home is probably wise to him…so he needed to find another supply….better sex…all about HIS needs.
You know, I don’t even want to think of my EX and what he was, and how he conned me….etc…
ITS OVER…thank God. I wouldn’t want him back if you paid me….Demon
Good night, Erin….Hope you feel better fast!!!
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conomo says:
To B…Right on…right On….ERIN…
I don’t / can’t know what you are going through…we a’ll have our distinct circumstances/traumas??? They are all so different…bottom line is we are here .. now…and wee are her for a reason…each of us have our reason….so hang tight…you are important–if you don’t think so…then take another look!!! it’s not just LF that makes you important…although being here is huge/amazing/validating…What is the most important thing is that you are seeking/looking!!! Beauty….
I love you in your desperation…because I know it…and I ALSO KNOW … YOU CAN MOVE ON FROM IT….LET THE FUCKING S GO!!!!! HE’S DEAD MEET/MEAT NOW…i’M TALKING FROM MY PERSPECTIVE TOTALLY NOW….
I’m taking so long to post it wont matter to you anyways…
Just know that our life will prevail….we will take our time fi we need to…and we will make our time so important!!! That’s why we are here…what do you think????
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conomo says:
ANGEL…no offense…but I don’t know how anyone cn’t know about Monsanto…
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conomo says:
People need the cover of another….I don’t know if I’m worthy..but I cover us all…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
conomo – sometime its just the acronyms…especially when out of context – like gmos on lf.
and i hate to say it, but TONS of folks have never heard of monsanto, and fewer have any idea of the implications of their work (if monsanto genetically modifies corn so that it ONLY grows when given monsanto fetilizers then we have a monopoly controlloing and raping our land of nutrients- we have about three big corps doing this…they will over time, erode all of the seed in the world…and then we are FUCKEd without supplies of non gmo wide variety, open polinated seed, we will not have the ability to grow food…and then it will be only big corp food.)
small rant.
have you seen the video, ‘food inc.’ yet?
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conomo says:
Fuck Ya I have seen it..any ideas how to fight the biggest monster of all???
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conomo says:
ltl et all…they are already doing it..they have us by way of the FDA and the (whatever the canadian govt allows)
I willl let it go at that….
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conomo says:
Stupid me…..I thought I was talking to LTL ..in fact IT WAS ONE STEP!!!!!!! HUGE APOLOGIES…..i AM SUCH AN RETARD.
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conomo says:
God I want to say more more about thiis Monster MONSANTO
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tobehappy says:
Erin…just checking in to see how you feel today! I hope you are better! Let me know!
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erin1972 says:
tobehappy-Hi girl. I hope your day is going ok. I am feeling a LITTLE bit better. Hard to work at this job when I don’t feel well. Did get to see one of the sociopaths get his ass handed to him by another doctor, which was funny. I had posted about this guy before-he is SO creepy. One of our main staff guys is an old irish man-he is really old and can be kind of crotchety at times. He’s cool to me though cuz I’m professional and quiet and I don’t act up. There is NO love between him and this sociopath young doc. This young guy decided he was going to do the procedure on the old guy’s patient. They were all gowned up and ready start when Dr. O showed up and he pulled the guy out of the room and started screaming at him. The spath tried to argue with him and it got worse. I had never seen a glimmer of emotion form this guy until it happened. He got mad and then his face got all red and he looked like he was going to cry. I wanted to high five the old man.
LOts of books came today for my spath reading. I am going to take some sudafed and try to go out and get some fresh air for awhile and I’ll write later with you if you can.
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Harmonyman says:
hey folks,,,Im hangin in…got a question…why do i have such strong emotions for somebody that abused and used me….may i ask for a little ….thank u all for your support an help…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi harmonyman – i was hoping you would show up, because i wanted to point you to this thread: Our Family Wizard can help you co-parent with a sociopath
one of the reasons you have such strong emotions is that you HAVE BEEN USED AND ABUSED. It is called a ‘trauma bond’. There is a very good book titled, ‘The Betrayal Bond’, that speaks to it eloquently.
there are some posts here, somewhere, about the truama bond, and the book is available in the library here.
all the best,
one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
harmony man – it’s neuro-chemical. I kid you not.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Harmony man,
Yep, One-step is right!
Hey, guys let’s talk on another thread that does not have 600 comments, this one takes 5 minutes per word.
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erin1972 says:
Harmonyman-I don’t know the answer to that but I sure can relate to what your feeling right now. There are days when I miss him, but then I realize that I miss who he was pretending to be. He never really existed
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tobehappy says:
I wrote a post about half an hour ago…and it never made it on here! Hmmm
Erin..how are you feeling?
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ErinBrock says:
Harmony:
We have had many many discussions on that very topic here on LF…..have you seen any of the articles or posts?
This is a complicated question…..with many facets….
It’s the fantasy of what you thought you had, it’s our own ‘defecits’ form previous situations we maybe havn’t dealth with, it’s the memories of better times, it’s us settleing and not going for our full worth and value….It’s the betrayal bond, it’s PTSD and so on…..
It’s time and distance we need to heal ourselves. It’s second guessing ourselves and our morals, values and person…..
It’s NORMAL what your doing….but you MUST REMAIN STRONG!!!!!!!
YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT YOU NOW!!!
XXOO
EB
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ErinBrock says:
2be…..I’m great….I’ve been accused of being a bit twisted tonight……but I’m GREAT thanks!
And you?????
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erin1972 says:
tobehappy-still really stuffed up with a lot of drainage-it’s grossing me out, I can’t smell or taste anything.
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ErinBrock says:
ooopps….wrong Erin.
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tobehappy says:
Harmony….
I think its because while we were in it…we thought it was REAL. So, we think of those good feelings we had at the time.
I try not to think of the good times..the happy feelings…the time he made me feel so loved..the times he joked and made me laugh.
What I DO think of …is the gut feelings I had over and over, wondering if he was telling me the truth..the confusion I had about whether he really meant the words he said..since the actions didn’t match !….and I think of how cold he was at the end…when he got mad at me for cutting him off for awhile to “think”….and then how he got revenge on me for doing it.
The truth of the matter is that I never felt a closeness with him. When we first started seeing each other…I remember sitting in the car outside of the gym ..talking to him. I was in a cheery, crazy , happy mood…joking around and hugging him…and I told him that I was happy because I was crazy about him….and I hugged him…and he gave me this look….
And he said…”Yeah?”…like “uh, oh”….like he was confused. Yet, HE was the one moving fast…telling me he loved me…wanted to marry me…and I NEVER said it back for a long time…..
One day he said…”when are you going to start loving me?”…I told him “I will let you know”.
I realize now, that I was AFRAID to tell him that I did…I guess I didn’t trust HIS words when he said it over and over ..so fast.
That “look” when I told him I was ‘crazy’ about him…was like a mistrustful…little boy ….”I don’t believe you” look.
When I started feeling something was totally not right..after a month together…I confonted him and said…”I feel like we are just friends with benefits..” and he said..”we are ALOT more than THAT…you are my woman”….he never said…”and I am your man”!!!
He really isn’t a NORMAL HEALTHY person. He is textbook sociopath…its uncanny how he fits the bill to a T.!!
Even his wording….SO textbook.
Yes…it was a CONFUSING feeling I had about it all along.
I think that the GOOD was so good…but the BAD was really bad…(lying, cheating, betrayal)
I wrote him a letter after it ended , which was via text!….and I apologized for doing it via text…but I told him I couldn’t go on …because he wasn’t honest about so many things…I told him that I will never see or talk to him again…and I want to say “goodbye” and good luck…”you deserve it”.
I was trying to be nice..and civil…but he is ANGRY that I cut off his supply…me. So, he didn’t answer back . I didn’t expect it…just wanted to kill him with kindness….I told him I have no hurt or resentment…our r/s outlived its intended purpose.
I needed to write it for closure for myself.
Overall….I don’t want him. I just feel alone at times…and wonder if I’ll ever meet a healthy man to have a r/s with ever again…..
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tobehappy says:
Hello ErinBrok…. I miss your wisdom!!!
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ErinBrock says:
I’m here baby, i’m here!
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erin1972 says:
I’m going to bed now! Goodnight to everyone on here!
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tobehappy says:
I am having a very “anxious” day. I am overwhelmed. It is bright and sunny out and I’d love to go for a bike ride…but I am trying to organize my house.
During the last six months, between going back with the socio, and then breaking up again…I was focusing on getting my finances (disability, bancruptcy, doctors) in order and I have baskets of paperwork that have to be filed, laundry that was washed and dried but not folded and put away….the house is a mess. Then the garage has to be cleaned out and a yard sale is in order.
The winter months just did me in all around, with the house going to chit.
So, with my PTSD, its really difficult to focus on one thing…and I end up crying and having a meltdown and have to stop.
My girls just took off on thier bikes, because they don’t need to stay here and see me flipping out and crying.
Subconsciously, everything is just getting to me.
I just got done with some paperwork being filed “to be filed” later, slowly. Just separating and sorting old papers thrown into baskets. UGH!
Nervous about my life today. Got rid of people who suck the life out of me…the xb/f, my sister….and I’m glad I did that. But, I don’t even know, today, how is built up to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to make the decision to get rid of them.
Both were killing me…but now I have to rebuild my life..and I am starting my organizing my house. Its just so hard to do when you are a nervous wreck.
I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and I can’t get off of it.
I’m taking Same and Vitamin B. I don’t know if I should take the xanax when I feel like this. Maybe it will help me to focus.
I’m trying to be grateful for what I DO have…lucky to get approved for SSI for now, lucky that I am getting a nice tax refund….and that I am still able to live in this house for now.
I’m just so nervous today.
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tobehappy says:
Ok…I am calming down. I stopped what I was trying to do.
And, I am going to make a list …a To Do list….
Finish my paperwork in bedroom tonight.
Fold and put away clothes.
Vacume and get bedroom in order.
Clean my bathroom.
Clean other bathroom.
Clean out refrigerator and reorganize food cabinets.
Now…If I can get THAT much done tonight…tomorrow I can
clean out the garage…and when I do…people stop because they think I’m having a yard sale…which I usually do when its nice out.
Then I can get rid of stuff and feel better.
Then, after this weekend…I will be ready to handle next week.
A few dental appts for my daughter and I.
Then….my goal is to continue to take care of my girls…run them to their activities…eat, laundry , etc..
Take time for exercise..bike rides and walks.
Thats my goal for the next few months…Diet and Exercise and relax and read.
So, once the house is organized and the “cloud over my head” is gone…then I can start to live again…
To rebuild my broken spirit…
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silvermoon says:
2b,
Anxiety is a reaction to something. What?
Will the girls help you fold and put away laundry, clean up the house and sort papers?
How about a family meeting to redivide chores so mom gets some help and some company?
One thing that not seperating ourselves from other people forces us to do is hold up. If you seperate yourself from your daughters to the extent that only you function to keep the house running- no wonder you have the ability to keep melting down.
There is no magic pill that is going to make you stop. You are going to have to just stop and allow the void to exist. OK, so what, there is a void where the SPATH used to be. Now there are the same things as when he was there:
Your kids and your home.
Spirit is. It doesn’t break or bend. Our emotions cause us to feel up or down. I think the core essence of our being is more constant.
The pain and depression are concious thought. They are emotion. That energy can be channeled in to paying attention to other people, meditating or praying or doing something that requires you to think about what you are doing – like really being THERE for your daughters or flying an airplane.
What would happen to that part of you that hurts if you stopped taking care of it, stopped nurtuing it like a bird with a broken wing?
Well, according to Echardt Tolle, you would be at peace.
Put the POWER OF NOW on your reading list and see what happens.
Every moment you are alive, your days are diminished by that much. No dress rehearsal this. As long as your spirit is still connected to you physical body, you are already alive and it is doing an important job NO?
BE HERE NOW and I will be right with you.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
tobe – perhaps your list is too long for one day?
x one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
except for the time with the neighbours who may stop, the list is all do do do. there is nothing nurturing for you in that list.
i too would feel more calm if my house was sorted, but i am learning to give to myself first, and to my house if i have anything left over.
just a thought.
x one step
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tobehappy says:
SILVERMOON..
Thank you so much for your support! And, Oxy too. (BTW, read my post on Bachelor Number One thread…tell me what you think?)
When I say my spirit felt “broken” today, I meant that I don’t want to do anything! My daughter mentioned getting going to see Lady Gaga with some friends getting tickets. She is my favorite! I said..”No, I don’t want to go”.
It scared me that I said that! I said to myself..
‘What on earth is WRONG with me?’
Then I realized that the anxiety, as you said…is coming from my thoughts today. My thoughts were saying…”Where am I going? I have no life. I want to lose weight and work on ME, yet I have NO motivation today!”
It scared me. I always say that “anxiety is FEAR”. And, yes, I felt FEAR today. Fear that I’ll never have a man in my life..or fun anymore…”
These are thing things I felt today. Empty…angry that he didn’t turn out to be what I want him to be…the man he SAID he was ….but wasn’t.
I am going to get that book…if I can motivate myself to get to the bookstore!
My poor daughter…she wanted to go bike riding and now she went to sleep. I stopped working on my “stuff”…got worn down. And, she’s sleeping.
I am going to spend all day tomorrow with her.(the middle one) She loves doing things with me…I feel guilty that she is sleeping…she went to IMAX theatre with the school today…to see Alice in Wonderland.
And, I feel like Alice today.
I just don’t want to get stuck in anger and grief and feel like my life is over.
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tobehappy says:
One step….
You are right…I was DOing too much. So,now I am out on my deck CHILLING!
I got worn out and decided that I couldn’t do anymore.
I don’t know why I got into PANIC mode today.
OVerwhelmed with the house being a mess. Its not really that bad…just alot of paperwork and clothes to be sorted and put away..
The garage is another story.
I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours last night…thats probably why too…
RUN DOWN>>>>>>>>>>>
THank you sosososo much.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
tob sweetie – i am sooo there, and i wish i was sooo there on the deck!
witty told me a few weeks ago, ‘simplify’. and then she said, ‘no, SIMPLIFY’. i had to stop doing housework for a few days to get a work contract done.
i am stil running on adrenaline, too. it takes time and ease and concerted effort to move out of panic mode. we have a lot of work to do. so we need to learn to take it easy -mentally.
EVEN the thought of the things i need to do freaks me out.
One of the posters here, Jane Smith, sent me a workbook for anxiety, i haven’t gotten in to it yet, so i don’t have a personal recommendation for it, but she says it was a very good resource for her.
if you would like it, i will send it. just ask donna for my email.
best,
one step x
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silvermoon says:
Courage is fear hanging on one minute longer.
Barnes and Noble is open till ten. Take her out for a latte and get yours with skim milk.
If you like as you say you feel, then you are what you don’t want to be.
Look at the message you are giving to yourself- if I don’t lose weight and make yourself better so you can get a man, you won’t have fun.
HUh?
Life liberty and the pursuit of happiness has no such requirements. Those ideas are rust on the moments of your life and if you don’t stop thinking that way, the y will erode your life until what you fear is your result.
Yeah, its a leap of faith to believe that things are going to be different if you go on with life instead of nurturing the fantasy of what he was supposed to be.
What, are you scared to jump?
CA MOM and I are going to have to talk to you about horses… we had a whole dialog about it!
But the deal is this: you have to cross that river to heal from the SPATH that just hit you.
A SPATH is a male, but a SPATH may not truly be a man.
His love was not realso his words mean nothing.He was not your husband-he did NOT take care of you and he surely was not your friend because a friend would not do what he did.
Nuthin from nuthin is zero to the 42nd power girl! So what there is some guy on the planet with whom you have no relationship!
YOU are still a vibrant, loving,capable HUMAN BEING who has been a friend to me and to others here who has a daughter who loves her.
Nuthin is wrong with that.
Get out of the house before you climb the walls.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today-Benjamin Franklin
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tobehappy says:
One step and silver….
BRB
Gotta run out to pick up daughter # 3!!! Ugh..lol
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tobehappy says:
To be…your’e invited! Come on out! (I mean that!) I could use some visitors….if you can handle three young teens and lots of singing and music!
And, Siver…you’re invited too!
I wish the world was filled with people like us! You are all my guardian angels! I was so down until you guys popped me into reality and helped me get back to “take care of 2be”.
I just get spurts of anger at myself and him. Mostly at ME…because I let him have the best of me…
But, last time when we were apart…his brother said that he was really “stressing over me” because he realized that he lost something he will NEVER get from another woman.
This time…TOO BAD!!!! HE loses…because there is NO turning back for ME!!!
He could have HAD me…all he had to do is to truly love me. BUT…he couldn’t.
I remember him telling me that his “father” ..some man that he called his “father” (whose name is Lucifer!!!)…Not kidding either………told him that “a man’s conscience is in his D^ck”.
Great upbringing huh????
And truthfully, thats where it all was! He LOVED having sex with me..because I was so into HIM.
Listen to this…last time we broke up…he said…”You know I love you…the guys don’t believe how much sex I have for a guy my age..and how much you turn me on”
Imagine how SHALLOW that is???? He equates sex…with LOVE!!!
The whole thing was a farse…but at the time…I really thought he loved me.
When I started to really get STRONG gut feelings…anxiety…worse than I have NOW….I was out!!
Thank you so much for making me realize that I am worth more…
BIG HUGS!
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erin1972 says:
Tobe-I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. (BIG HUGS)!
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silvermoon says:
He could have HAD me…all he had to do is to truly love me. BUT…he couldn’t.
The truth is What we keep we loose, only what we give remains our own.
He was playing his brother too. That’s what they do, “I Love you =Sex Feels Good”.
I HEAR you. I married mine. He was very convincing. The raft of shit I bought was … well it was a raft of shit.
Zero to the 42nd power and it pretty much looks like he is lost in it all.
So there is some guy out there on the planet who I have no relationship with. Well, I have some friends who understand and what is really cool about that is that I can pretty much talk to them about how I am feeling and doing any time I need to
Like you I have the experience of being valued and encoraged to the point where its as good as a new pair of levis one size smaller.
Life is good.
Group HUG!
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tobehappy says:
THanks Erin…I woke up late…little sleep…felt guilty…got myself into a panic.
When we are tired…its hard to fight off our “demons”.
I started thinking….”I’m really alone now.” And, really, it isn’t true…I just got rid of two liars who were using me and sucking the life out of me!
THen I came home and I was too tired to straighten up my mess here from the last few weeks…
So, I tried and I gave up..until later on…then I got some things done.
So, then I came on here and these angels helped me through.
THANK GOD FOR YOU GUYS!!!!
So, anyway….I feel better now. Listened to the advice and treated myself to a Hazelnut decaf….and I’m home now and I feel better.
How are YOU doing today, Erin?
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