A story. My story. Dancing in the arms of love.
PDF She waited. Patient. Patiently. I’ll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came.
She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered.
She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty.
I am your only hope, he’d told her. I am the one you’ve been waiting for.
And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came.
He’d promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he’d killed. The trust he’d broken. The hopes he’d dashed. Today, he’d promised. Today.
She believed him. She was patient. She had to, believe him. Give him the space and time and support. It was all she could do. She had run out of options. Run out of strength to fight. To make anything else happen.
She waited.
Patient.
Patiently.
And still. He never came.
She started to cry. It had been so long. So long since she could remember a time when fear and shame and self-loathing were not her constant companion.
She prayed. Please, please, somebody make it stop. Somebody come and take away this horror that I am living. Please.
She was patient. Oh so patient.
And still, nothing changed. Nothing ever happened. She stayed locked. Locked up in this hell that was her life. On the outside smiling. On the inside dying.
And nobody could see. Nobody knew the truth.
She was patiently waiting for death to come knocking at her door.
But death was busy. His scythe was slicing through other life-cords. Setting others free to rise up and find their place in that time and plane where all beings unite with the One who lives eternal. That other-world beyond this fearsome world that had become her reality.
She opened her arms to death. Her life-cord remained intact. And she cried.
Please come, she begged. Please come.
But still, he didn’t call.
Her phone remained silent. Her mind screamed in agony. Her body writhed in pain.
Somebody make it stop. Somebody please make it stop.
And all the patience in the world couldn’t awaken her to the truth. Nobody out there could make it stop. Nobody out there could make him go away.
She had to do that. She had to wake up.
And she told herself she couldn’t. She was too frightened. Too weak. Too alone.
Be patient, he said as he held her in the dark. Just a bit longer and then you will see, it was all worth it.
Nothing would ever be worth the terror of his embrace. She knew that. But she couldn’t see it. Feel it. Breathe it. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t breathe.
She was suffocating beneath the lies. Suffocating in the sea of fear that held her up to the mirror of her shame. She couldn’t see. She was lost in the dark of his embrace.
And so she waited.
And nothing changed except the fear.
The fear engulfed her. The roaring in her head grew louder. She lost all sense of time. Of place. Of being.
She lost.
And fell into the sea of despair that had patiently waited for her to surrender all hope and fall. She fell. She fell and closed her eyes.
Patiently waiting for death to come.
But it never came.
And then, in the dark of despair, the dream of his coming to save her died and she awoke and lost all patience with him.
She lost all patience with his lies, his deceit, his manipulations. She lost all patience with hiding from the truth and found her voice to speak up.
I have run out of patience! She cried. I have no more time for you.
And in her voice she found the courage to speak up. To stand up. To walk away from waiting for him to come and make it all better. For him to sweep his magic wand across the night and raise the dawn. She lost all patience for him and turned her back on waiting.
She turned her back and reached out. Oh God, she cried. Help me.
And He did.
I am here, my child, she heard Him whisper inside her head. She felt the blood flowing in her veins. The warmth of dawn caressing her face. She felt His breath rise and fall within her and she wept. Tears streamed down her face and then she felt a hand upon her brow.
Cry no more, the voice whispered. Cry no more. You are free.
She opened her eyes and saw the wonder of the world around her.
It had been there throughout time. Waiting. Patiently. Waiting for her to open her eyes. To open her ears and heart and mind to the truth within. For her to awaken to the truth of who she was and who she was meant to be. She opened her eyes and her heart beat a wild tattoo of joy upon her breast.
I am free. I am free she whispered to the dawn. And she opened her arms wide and Love flooded in. Love engulfed her. Picked her up and carried her through her fear that what was would be forever more.
Truth is, the voice called out. Truth is. Within you. Always. Always present. Ever patient. Truth is Love and you are your truth. Love yourself. Love your wounded heart. Your battered spirit. Love your beauty and your beast and let yourself surrender and fall, In Love.
And she did.
And Love embraced her.
And she danced forevermore in the arms of Love.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
one_step_at_a_time says:
midlife – reading your post immediately grounded me. i was talking to a cop friennd months ago, about the spath, and he was one of the few people who understood about the ‘discharge’. the cops do it all the time. they know.
i couldn;t do much at the time, or even yet, becuase of illness and injury – it stays stuck and we’re fucked. begetting more illness.
http://www.shamanism.org/
i worked with one of their teachers for a few years, i don’t know if there are practitioners where you are. the ptsd work of bellerruth naperstek has a sort of soul retrieval in it – something a bit different, less somatic maybe. (years ago, i was involved in soul retrieval work – as a recipient and a helper)
the traditional people where you are – can they help?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
midlife – also, the info i got re processing the adrenaline from the mugging was:
Detoxification = using up B6, Cal/Mag, Vitamin C, Niacin, EFAs, etc.
Mugged = adrenal rush
Adrenal rush = using up B5, B6, Vitamin C, Magnesium, etc.
The two nutrients most affecting circulation would be calcium, magnesium, vitamin D and niacin.
best,
onestep
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Rosa says:
AlohaTraveler:
You say, “I will be honest with you all. I was going a bit cookoo and I am embarrassed to admit it.”
There’s no reason to be embarrassed.
If you ever feel “cookoo” again over this man, please come to Lovefraud and talk to the members here.
Please DO NOT get on the phone and go into a 1000-call drill on this guy. That is not the answer.
I am standing by my original post, Aloha.
I think you should run like the wind away from this guy.
But, we all need to travel our own path.
Be very careful, AlohaTraveler.
You have come so far.
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midlifecrisis says:
Thanks Oxy – I definitely am having too much caffeine but this has become a vicious circle as I need it to wake me up for work, but then can’t get to sleep at night. I will take your suggestion about gradually cutting down. I might also have a look for melatonin – not sure if I can buy that here? Will check at the health shop.
One step – I have had a blessing and prayers said over me but it hasn’t changed the situation – thanks for the shamanic website – I will have a dig through it and see what I can find.
I know it’s part of the process of healing – it’s just another frustration to go through while healing and yet another thing they don’t have to deal with> Being without sleep can make you feel more emotional and less like you’re coping … I have to always remember ‘You’re just feeling this way because you’re tired!’
You lovely ladies – wish I could give you a big hug – thanks for your care and attention
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ErinBrock says:
Midlife/One:
This week I found this stuff called…Super green drink.
At Trader Joes….its’ $20.00 for a container of poweder….
I’ll tell ya…..
Since I’ve been healing…..from everything…spath and illness….I’ve taken daily naps….2.5 hours…
Okay….now I know that sounds wonderful to some…..but I just melt at anywhere between 10-4……
and I sleep.
I’m tired of losing this time in my day…..and a friend recommended this stuff.
So….I bought some.
OMG….it’s like a fruity tooty Mid day dose of pick me up.
I’ts Vitamins…..spirulina, different green vegies powdered…and yada yada….no caffein, no crack…..like those stupid ‘monster’ drinks….just good stuff and like 1g. of sugar.
So far….I recommend it highly…..as I’m awake to do this!!
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alohatraveler says:
Learnedthelesson, Matt and all!
He called me on both of my phones to leave the message, “I am ready to come out of my cave now.” I called him back. He called me this morning to wish me well on a work trip. (I am in Morro Bay, CA)
I liked Matt’s prespective… that his retreating is pretty common reaction from a guys perspective. Like I said, there are a few other things he is juggling at the moment. The Job loss caused a chain reaction of things he needed to handle.
I am not letting this guy completely off the hook. I am on my guard and will be careful.
Thanks everyone!
Aloha
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ErinBrock says:
Aloha:
However they behave now….they will not change it later…..
keep in mind….this is probably NOT the only ‘crisis’ he will experience in his life….and are you OKAY with the way he has handled it/and you…..?
It’s the questioning that always get’s me in trouble….
Tread lightly my dear……and keep your eyes wide open.
Good luck!!!
XXOO
EB
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midlifecrisis says:
Erin that sounds fab … can get plain green powder here but not that super charged mixture!
Aloha thankyou for sharing your experience with us all … for me it’s a timely reminder to find a balance between protection for myself and not jumping to conclusions about other people when I meet them. What we look for in people we tend to find evidence of. I wish you all the very best for this experience with this man – I hope he turns out to be someone very special for you …
BUT
If he doesn’t, I know you’ll be okay and the right man will be waiting somewhere a few months down the track for you. You’ve gotten through the worst experience possible and know how to look after yourself. Your friends here are all rooting for you
Bring him here and we’ll check him out for you! LOL
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HeightofConfusion says:
Hi Everyone,
Sorry I haven’t posted anything for weeks I have had a really bad time.
Well first thing I suppose I should mention is that you were right – he did hit me (threw me down a flight of stone steps actully) We went out on my birthday and had a huge arguement about nothing really – guess too much drink was involved. He said alot of hurtful nasty things and tried to walk away from me but I wouldn’t let him. I kept trying to talk to him, tell him how much I cared and why he was doing this. The arguement was outside in the middle of a busy high street, he was caught on CCTV pushing me and grabbing me by the throat and eventully the police had to seperate us (they tried both that night and three times since to get me to make a complaint against him but I refused) It was a really awful night and I am really shocked and embarrassed by my behaviour.
Not surprisingly he ended our relationship due to this and I have been devestated. I have been really ill the past 2 weeks and even came close to being sectioned for my own safety. I could go on forever about what I have been thinking and feeling and what doctors I have spoken to but to be honest its all a bit of a haze and still very upsetting
Thankfully after a bit of time and alot of apologising we are back together – just to see how it goes, but I can promise myself I will never do anything like that again to screw it up.
I can’t even describe how happy I am to have him back in my life again. However it obviously is not perfect – the same destructive one sided relationship as before
I am not totally stupid and I understand that most of you will not be pleased to hear I am still in this relationship but after what I have been through these past weeks I really needed someone to talk to.
Thank You.
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learnthelesson says:
Height of Confusion -
Im glad you are ok…literally glad you are still alive.
You are not stupid, and you really do understand that most of us will not be pleased to hear you are still in this relationship.
Lovefraud will always be here for you…I would just like to encourage you to also fill the void you are feeling by reaching out to a domestic violence shelter, or an emergency room ( you should know you can walk in at ANY TIME and say you fear for your life (either at the mercy of anothers hands or your own thoughts) ANYTIME YOU NEED TO. THEY WILL HELP YOU. THEY WILL LISTEN AND TALK AND HELP YOU HELP KEEP YOU SAFE HELP YOU FIND A BETTER WAY– WHEN YOU ARE READY…
You are not stupid, but you are not well. So many of us were not well by the time we got caught up in dark bad places with our partner. This is no longer about him – its about your choices.
You seem to like where you are versus making healthy choices for yourself. I pray your life is not taken away — EVER. I pray you find the strength and courage to love yourself enough to get out. I know your spirit and soul has been hurting and you are losing pieces of yourself with each passing day WITH HIM – except in the fog that you are in — you believe you are not whole without him.
Please keep reaching out , not only at LF, but to others who can physically be in your presence and maybe lead you further away from the darkness into the beautiful bright shining light of a healthy life again. But you are the one that has to be ready willing and able.
God bless you. Be as safe as you can be. You are in the most dangerous unsafe place of all in life – because of your own choices. I wish you all the best on your life journey – as it truly is YOUR life journey and you need support to get out.
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knowledgeempowers says:
Height of Confusion,
If you need someone to talk to come here, where ppl know what you are going through, can feel emapthy, care and concern for your feelings.
Please, for your own safety you need to get out, I completely understand the returning to the relationship, I did it many times myself.
But ask yourself, is this REALLY the kind of relationship you want to be in? He will NEVER change, yes, things might be good for a short time but they ALWAYS revert back to their uncaring selves, that is WHO they are.
You are in love with a dream, not trying to be harsh but it is the truth!
Reach deep inside yourself, find your strength and move on, for your own self preservation and happiness.
Being with a P is not a happy relationship and we deserve so much more.
No excuses for his behavior! Too much to drink or an argument does not give any man the right to lay hands on a woman! A sane, caring, sensitive, loving man would NEVER do that!
Please, find yourself in all this, look at what you really want in life, happiness, or this kind of relationship?
I wish you the best, I know what its like to not want to leave and be drawn back in, you will get there eventually.
Please, keep us posted on how its going, I have faith you will soon figure out life can be so much better for you, its a long process and difficult road, but in the long run, one worth taking.
Hugs and peace be with you.
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witsend says:
Height of Confusion,
You said: “Not surprisingly he ended our relationship due to this and I have been devestated.”
What does that mean, Height? He ended the relationship due to “this”.
“This” being that he pushed you down the stairs? Or “this” that he was caught putting his hands around your throat?
And now you are happy that you are back together…..
You said : “but I can promise myself I will never do anything like that again to screw it up.”
The fact is HE screwed up.
How is it that you think that something isn’t going to “set him off” again in the future?
ANYTHING can set him off. He could be walking down the street and someone could give him the finger. And he might come home to you (afterwards) and start a “stupid” argument and push you down the stairs again, or WORSE.
This man is dangerous. You know it now. He has shown that dark side to you personally. This is NOT just his “past” anymore. Not “just” a part of his past, with his “ex” girlfriends. This now is a part of YOUR history with this man. And this is not something where you just wipe the slate clean, and start over….There is no starting over.
His violent behavior will return. It will escalate. You need help, but you have to be willing to let someone help you. Even the police can’t help you if you don’t press charges.
Please try to get out of the “haze” he has you in. ACTIONS speak VOLUMES. His words mean nothing.
You deserve so much better than this. But you are the only one that can make this choice. This choice for yourself.
I hope that you continue to reach out. But I fear that you do not realize how much danger you are in.
You are in a very unsafe relationship. You must protect yourself.
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knowledgeempowers says:
Well said witsend! I too hope she finds the strength in herself to get out, run, as fast as she can in the other direction, this isnt going to get any better, only worse. She is so internalizing all the issues and taking the blame herself. Any problem in my relationship with the P was projected back on me, always, he NEVER took responsibility for his actions EVER and his words never matched his actions either.
We all know the old saying “actions speak louder then words” I think this was written just for P’s!
I have a favorite of my own, the P took a kind of delight it in too, not amazingly. “When your mouth is open, your mind is showing” Now take the fact that every word out of a P’s mouth that has to do with love, caring, empathy, any emotion outside of anger is just words, lacking complete emotion (considering that is only a front and empty as they can not feel these emotions) and you will get a clearer picture of the P’s thought process.
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witsend says:
Knowledgeempowers,
I really fear for Height. She is very young. And very caught up in the cycle of abuse. We hear it in everything she is saying. Yet I know that she can’t see it for what it is.
I feel very sad for this young girl. Especially since just recently we were again reminded of the ultimate damage that these creatures can do….In Mike & Des situation.
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blueskies says:
Dear height of Confusion.
I cant say anything that could be more eloquent than what LTL said up there.
I want to say that I am so glad you are posting. Keep posting.xxx
I am sure you’ve often heard these kind of relationships become like an addiction.
Imagine an addiction to alcohol: the alcoholic continues to poison themselves untill they have lost EVERYTHING and hit ROCK BOTTOM because the poison is THE most important thing in their lives even if it is going to kill them.
It is screwing with their perceptions and emotions. stunting growth. damaging brain cells. Affecting their ability to make sound decisions for themselves more and more the longer it goes on.
At the point where their lives are in real actual danger from taking POISON its is NOT about the poison being dangerous (which it is). But that they know this and are continuing to take it infact they are desperate to… and it often leads to death.
I have not heard of someone with a dependancy severe enough to put their life in peril on a regular basis get out of it without help, or I guess more importantly without seeking it for themselves.
There is support here. There is support out there, I hope you find it and the strength to take take take it.
You are already seeking help by coming here. Its a glimmer. Its hope. build on it.
I know you are in such a terrible situation. I dont underestimate how difficult this is.
*addition* Dont underestimate how dangerous this is for you.xx
Much love.x
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blueskies says:
can I suggest that you contact Donna who could maybe google you some telephone numbers and help resources in your area without you having to disclose it on here. You may not use them straight away but you will have them.
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knowledgeempowers says:
Witsend, I do completely understand what your saying, I hope anything I have said has not come across as too harsh or mean, it is not my intent.
I have been where she is at and its painful to see.
I wish her only the best and hope she finds the strength and enlightment that allows her the ability to see what he is and get out as soon as she can.
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witsend says:
Knowledgeempowers,
I have not heard you say anything harsh! Your words are very uplifting. This situation is so very painful for all of us to see. That is the worst part of it. We all feel totally helpless to find just the “right” words to encourage, or to enlighten, in this situation. And we know that it will get worse. And we know that it can mean life or death. That is the worst, the knowing….
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knowledgeempowers says:
Thank you for clarifying witsend! Yes, I agree, painful to say the least. It is a frightening situation for sure.
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alohatraveler says:
HeightofConfusion,
You are describing the cycle of abuse in your post.
I am giving you two links. Think about what you learn and notice if it applies to your situation. There is a very predictable cycle in domestic violence. AND… even if the anger coming at your seems to have no rhymn or reason, that is part of the predictability as well. It is called “keeping the victim off balance.”
So please look at these links and think about them carefully. Maybe you could print these out at the library and keep them in your desk at work or somewhere that you can look at them over and over again as you consider how you may fit into this cycle. Don’t bother showing these diagrams to an absuer. It will make him angry or he will try to say this is what you are doing to him…. (as laughable as that may be).
Remember that it is his goal to make you believe that you are responsible for his abusive behavior. Don’t buy it.
Ihave pulled up some links about domestic violece. Each page has their own version of the domestic violence wheel of abuse. Look at this carefully.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
Read this page.
http://www.helpguide.org/menta.....ffects.htm
This page has a national Domestic violence number which I will also include: 1-800-787-3224.
This link is to a support site for abused men… but the information is still good.
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page5.htm
Please read this page.
It is a common mistake to believe that your guy is different and your situation is different. But I am willing to bet that the information you will read on these pages will resonnate with you and over time, you will realize more and more how you are living a text book cycle of domestic violence.
Keep coming here. There is wonderful support and the readers are smart, compassionate, and they swing their skillets with passion.
We only want you to be safe and to find the strength to become your true self.
There is nothing you can do that deserves for you to be pushed down a staircase or hurt in anyway by someone who “loves” you.
I remember when I was with the Bad Man, I used to get the biggest leis (we lived in Hawaii) after an episode of his abuse. After awhile, the flowers became a symbol to me that told me, “I have just been abused” instead of a symbol of being cared for and loved.
Think about those honeymoon make-up cycles as evidence that you have just been violated… not as proof that he really does loved you. He doesn’t and the abuse will not stop until you stop it.
Definately seek the advice of a Domestic Violence organization as I have heard that with some abusers, the most dangerous time is when the woman tries to leave.
Good luck sweetie. You are loved and supported here as part of the LoveFraud Family.
Take care and be safe.
Aloha
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learnthelesson says:
Kathleen once shared a very empowering and powerful post to Height of Confusion — it touched on the fact the Height of Confusion may be in a place of wanting to/ and choosing to put her life in danger, or just not caring one way or the other what happens to her life – as long as he is a part of it – no matter what it takes – including him doing the unthinkable to her.
I admit I am quite frightened and out of my league in helping, guiding, counseling Height of Confusion.
Simply her screenname tells me she is SCREAMING OUT FOR HELP but refuses to acknowledge that. That its ok to need help and its ok to say I am so confused right now that the only thing that works for me is being with him…
Height of confusion – that is only one of your choices. That is NOT your only choice. Choose life…please choose your own life over losing it completely. If you had a baby girl, a daughter…or a cousin or a friends little girl — would you want her to be in the place you are? Would it be ok for her to tell you the guy she is with beat her, strangled her, cheated on her, uses her, lies to her, abuses her??
Why are you not worthy of the goodness in life? Why are you only worthy of terrible abuse? What have you done to deserve this?
You know you are in a dangerous place – and its ok with you… why is that? Is it because when you arent with him – you only have yourself?
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blueskies says:
you only have yourself? (sorry LTLxx)
I think the point is that she (thinks she) doesnt ‘have’ herself).
But what she Does ‘have’ is the addiction to an abuser…
Maybe she knows she’s there, but doesnt care…
Thats the starting place? for her to recognise? even if its just a little bit.
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learnthelesson says:
Thanks Blueskies,
I was thinking HOC does not like herself – and only can deal with herself when he is with her…
When she shared she cant even describe how happy she is to have him back in her life again (despite the fact that she states having him back in her life is having back the same destructive one-sided relationship again) – I was interested in knowing if HOC knowingly puts herself in this dangerous place = and it comforts her – because she is unable to be ok with being alone, being with herself — because maybe she didnt like herself?? Was just brainstorming – hoping to find out if yes thats part of it, or no that is way off base.
It was sort of “as well as or a layer deeper below the addiction” an awful uncomfortableness fearfulness of only having herself? Which is nothing to be uncomfortable with or fearful of — but I was wondering at her tender age if that was part of it..
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blueskies says:
apologies … I got my steam roller out:(x
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learnthelesson says:
Blueskies…
When I troubleshoot — I can be way off…Thats why I ask – to try to understand.
When you shared maybe she knows shes there, but just doesnt care..and maybe thats the starting point — that just might be the ticket!!
No apologies — I was just brainstorming outloud… when we dont agree — we have to get the steam out — I think what you bring to the surface as what might need to be the starting point is a good possibility.
Thank you for expressing when you dont agree with something. It makes me rethink my thoughts too…
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blueskies says:
Loves:)xx
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JaneSmith says:
Blueskies and LTL,
I believe both of you lovely ladies are correct. HOC is addicted and she doesn’t seem to like yourself. As Witsend said, she is so very young.
I’m going to take a journey into my own disturbing past with my ex husband. I was in my early twenties and very naive, very gullible, very vulnerable and ignorant.
I was also broken, depressed, dealing with pervasive feelings of abandonment, and just didn’t think I was worthy of being treated with kindness, care and love. HOC is exactly where I was 15 years ago.
My ex husband was verbally and physically abusive to me almost every day for 2 years. He tried to dominate me and considered me his possession to do with whatever he wanted to.
He didn’t respect me. He didn’t give a fig about my own individual identity and my innate need for independence. He only wanted his pretty possession to behave how he wanted. To always do what he wanted regardless of what I needed and wanted.
We had furious fights and when I’d had just about enough of his abusive garbage, the red rage would consume me and I would run to the kitchen in search of a sharp weapon to end his life.
He would split out the front door, knowing in his animal brain that he had pushed me too far and I was seriously going to hurt him. In the throes of wrath, I wasn’t thinking straight and considering the consequences of my actions. I didn’t care if I went to prison for murder; I wanted the abuse to stop. And I was going to stop it.
These horrible dramas were played out many times over a two year span. I really thought I loved him and he loved me. My twisted logic was that pain=love.
I didn’t know that that was false, untrue, a distorted, unhealthy perspective. How could I know the difference being the child of a psychopath who treated my Mom like dirt?
Not an excuse, I realize that now but as HOC is so young and probably in the same place that I was in my early twenties, she needs guidance and truth and reality repeatedly declared to her from the LF members.
And this is proven from the compassionate and wise words above me.
HOC, you are very brave to be here with us sharing your awful, painful experience with an abusive male. Now, sweetheart, will you listen to us wise old broads?
We’ve been where you are. Some of us many times with abusive males in the past. We are here to help educate you on such foolish notions that he will change and be a better guy. He won’t. It’s a pattern with these humanoids. They don’t get better but worse. Much, much worse.
My ex husband never loved me. He never cared for me. He never respected me. I was his little toy to be used and abused. That’s it. Nothing else.
When I finally kicked him to the curb for the last time, I was singing hallelujah for months. I hated him tremendously and fervently wished for him to vanish from the earth. He didn’t but he vanished from my life.
(edit: When I said I hated him tremendously that was only partially true. Yes, I hated the awful treatment I received from him but I was still addicted to his charming, beautiful face and body. It took a while to get over this but, thankfully, I was young and resilient.)
HOC, please focus on his despicable actions and cruel words directed towards you. THEY ARE NOT NORMAL!
You so deserve to be treated and loved with kindness, goodness, respect and consideration.
All of us do.
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HeightofConfusion says:
Hi Guys
Thanks so much for all the support – I really am touched. If I had known how nice everyone would be I would have shared what happened to me sooner.
I think the first thing I want to point out is just how out of order my behaviour was that night aswell, even a nice, calm “normal” person would more than likely have lost it with me that night. He tried many times to walk away and if I had let him I wouldn’t have been sitting in an emergancy room a few hours later.
The other thing I think is important is just how right some people are geting it when describing me. Statements such as:
“I was thinking HOC does not like herself – and only can deal with herself when he is with her”
“My twisted logic was that pain=love”
” just not caring one way or the other what happens to her life – as long as he is a part of it”
And many more are just bang on how I am feeling. The only thing I don’t think I agree with is changing therapists. Surely you can’t just move around until you find one who’s opinionss match your own or who says what you want to hear? I get on well with mine and feel I can open up and be honest with them – surely that is what its all about?
Nothing much to say about whats been happening in my life the last few days. Things have been good between us when I have seen him but we are not as full on as we were before. I really hope it goes back to how it was……
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one_step_at_a_time says:
HofC – ‘I really hope it goes back to how it was…… ‘
i don’t. i hope you figure it out and run like hell.
it is enormously painful to see you embracing your own destruction, instead of life.
i accept your estimation that your behavior, whatever it was, was out of order…..RED FLAG! the longer we stay the weirder and more fucked up we can get. And girl, there is NO EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. I have been there.
you’ve just lost a few more days of life you will never get back; once again participated in your own degradation and devaluation; once again affirmed that you are worthless.
how can it possibly be true that you are worth so little?
if you find this harsh and unhelpful, ignore it. i am only one voice here, there are many others. – keep posting.
best,
one step
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learnthelesson says:
Dear Height of Confusion…
I am going to tell you something …that you simply dont know…and have yet to learn or believe in…
No good decent person would ever strangle you…or be brought to the edge to land you in an emergency room. They would call 911, they would walk away strongly and firmly and remove themself from you…they would go back into the restaurant and ask for help…they would NOT VERBALLY ABUSE YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY AND TURN AROUND AND LEAVE YOU STRANDED…IF you tried to talk to them…a good peson would listen (even if angry) or at least say this is not a good time NOT HIT YOU, TOSS YOU DOWN STEPS, STRANGLE YOU.
You mentioned alcohol. You mentioned lots of verbal exchanges about “nothing”. And sadly in the end you mentioned being embarrassed by YOUR BEHAVIORS.. No mention of his….
What you refer to bringing him to the brink….you express it in the sense that everything is normal with you two leading up to an arguement – its not – its just what happens to two unhealthy people who are together feeding off of eachother. If Im in a healthy relationship once in a while I might get out of sorts and say something hurtful because Im confused — but if HE is healthy he will DISCUSS IT WITH ME – not assault me.
I just want to be clear that you are incorrect in saying “Anyone would have done to you what he did in that circumstance ” THAT IS NOT TRUE. You just dont know healthy good decent men. THEY DO EXIST…
Sweet girl, my thoughts are with you and have been the past few days. I finally think I understand a very small part of you — and I just want you to know — I would not like myself either if I kept staying in this situation. I dont know your history — but I think someone failed you along the way — and as a result you are resolved to be deserving of next to nothing in life – except somebody to call your “boyfriend”…
I hope you someday share your life story – what brought you to this dark lonely place you are in with another. We all have. We begin by sharing our present situation (what we are going through in an unhealthy relationship) and then eventually we share where weve come from that has allowed us to continue to make unhealthy choices in our lives, with others or simply letting the wrong people in or let them continue to stay in our for the all the wrong and unhealthy reasons. I am a strong believer in the fact that once it becomes clear we are in an unhealthy situation it falls on BOTH PEOPLES SHOULDERS. It doesnt matter whose fault it is, who deceived who, who played games with who….ONCE THE FIRST EPISODE HAPPENS – ITS UP TO YOU TO LEARN AND KNOW TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH, CARE ABOUT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO GET AWAY – GET THAT UNHEALTHY PERSON OUT OF YOUR LIFE. If you dont do that, it becomes working on yourself and finding out the reasons why you are CHOOSING TO STAY – CHOOSING TO WANT THEM – CHOOSING TO NEED THEM – CHOOSING TO LIVE IN DENIAL THAT THEY ARE TOXIC FOR YOU… Why are you choosing to keep him??
And I am curious when you say you really hope it goes back to how it was… what do you mean by that? Specifically – how was is back when? Do you mean in the very very very beginning? Do you mean when he was away in Jail? Do you mean before you both showed eachother who you REALLY ARE?
THANK YOU FOR POSTING…..I KNOW YOU ARE IN GREAT PAIN AND ARE SUFFERING AND THAT IS WHAT IS NORMAL FOR YOU, SAFE FOR YOU, COMFORTABLE FOR YOU – TO BE ABLE TO HAVE HIM/SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE SO YOU DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU.
But the choice you are making is going to cause you to lose your life. And thats the only day you will be able to say, this was my fault.
Please dont give him your life, your spirit, your soul. You were alive before him (but obviously dealing with issues) and you will remain alive and maybe even get healthier without him. When you are ready.
Also, are there drugs involved with one or both of you? That would explain alot too.. Take care
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learnthelesson says:
ps – HOC -
Re: Therapy/Therapist
You are right it is important to get along with your therapist and open up and be able to trust him/her.
But that is just one small goal of a productive relationship with your therapist. Here are a few others :
Listening to their advice.
Making progress in removing yourself from an unhealthy situation
learning the tools to help yourself get to a healthier place.
Here are some signs that the therapist isnt a good productive match for you.
You cant be open and honest.
You find yourself STILL experiencing the same things at home, in relationships.
The amount of unhealthy unstable situations are escalating – your story is worsening — you land in a hospital E.R.
The therapy visit is just you talking, and then paying on your way out.
THERAPY is suppose to jumpstart you into making healthy life choices. Granted you have to WANT THAT otherwise you really are just sitting there talking being open and honest BUT NOT LISTENING AND ACTING ON THE ADVICE BEING GIVEN, IF ANY IS AT ALL!!
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alohatraveler says:
HOC,
There was a time where I acted out with the Bad Man. (once). I was so upset with his blaming and mind games that I called him names, yelled, and threw water in his face. I did this only once.
I recall that my Dad said something very wise. I told him that that Bad Man said that each person has to take 100% responsibility for their own actions. My Dad said, “That’s true but if a person hits you 100 times and you finally turn around and knock their block off, they need to take responsibility for how far they pushed you.” Good one DAD!
I didn’t like myself either when I was with the Bad Man… and that was why I was so hooked on him… because it seemed that a handsome hunk liked me more than anyone ever did. But in retrospect… I see now that my definition of someone liking me had to include that he verbally abused me, lied about me, cheated on me, belittled me, intimidated me, scared me, and so it goes.
Now that I think of it, this is not how I show others that I like them. Hmmmm. Something to think about.
Back to your excuses… you say anyone would have lost it with the way you were acting. I recall that one thing the Bad Man would do if I finally lost it and got upset about the nightmare that he was being… he would go completely CALM… that way,.. he could say it was me that was out of control… the FLIP.
Beware the way they spin reality. They are good at making us appear to be nuts to innocent bystanders. This is one of the most dumbfounding and upsetting dynamics.
Did you read any of the links and materail I posted in the link up above?
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witsend says:
Height Of Confusion,
Even a good therapist can’t be helpful if they do not hear the whole truth. And if you are speaking the truth to your therapist, the therapist would be advising you to get out of this relationship.
The first thing you said in your post speaks volumes. You took on the responsibility for HIS action. As if to say that your behavior that night “deserved” to be pushed down the stairs. That is exactly what an abuser does. They twist it around so you believe it is all your fault. They tell you that it was your fault and they tell themselves it was your fault as well.
If he had had a gun that night instead of a flight of stairs the end result would have been different. But the STORY would have been the same.
Basically his story would have been “well if SHE didn’t piss me off, I wouldn’t have had to shoot her”……
Right now he has you thinking this….If YOU didn’t piss him off, he wouldn’t have pushed you down the stairs or put his hands around your throat.
That is how the abuser puts all the responsibility of HIS actions onto the victim. You are not accountable for his actions. HE is.
Your accountability in this relationship is to get out of it.
There is a definate cycle in an abusive relationship. And although you might be in the cooling off stage, (or so you think) it will escalate again to the violent stage. It always does.
Remember when you first posted awile back and you said he would NEVER be violent with you? That was something that happened in his past? And of course it must have been HER fault. Well now it is you that he has been abusive with. And now he has you thinking it is your fault….
The common denominator in all of this abuse is HIM. Not the women. Do you see the pattern here?
There is nothing you can do to “change” him. He is what he is LONG before you met him.
Please call a domestic abuse center in your area. Listen to what they have to say to you. Tell them your story. Maybe hearing it “outloud” will speak louder to you than the written word.
Do this one thing for yourself. Just call and listen….
xxxx
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learnthelesson says:
Aloha -
After rereading my post to HOC – I wanted to change my words from a “good/decent” person wouldnt do that — -to a “HEALTHY” person wouldnt do that.
Do you think today you would ever allow yourself to be in a place where you have to yell like that and throw water in someones face? Do you think youve found a healthier place to primarily be in and help guide you when making decisions with others?
Good/decent people can certainly get caught up in losing it with another – on various levels – because they didnt have the tools to deal with the blaming and mind games and twisting and flipping and manipulating. But I guess the point I was trying to make was that if HOC said to someone who was healthy “plz dont walk away, Im confused, I need you” and if she held on to him with all her might – if he were truly a healthy decent good guy – he wouldnt resort to beating her or strangling her. he would choose other options to deal with her/the situation.
I understand HOC’s thought process – in that she only wants to evaluate her participation in the nightmare – and she wants to focus only on what SHE did – and she does not see it was her knee jerk response to feeling and being abandoned and hurt and confused that she pursued him that night. But what she really doesnt see is that HE CHOOSES TO ABANDON HURT AND CONFUSE HER SO SHE WILL “LOSE IT”AND THEN HE CAN TOP IT OFF WITH HIS UNHEALTHY COPING/WAYS OF DEALING WITH STRESS BY BEATING HER AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT WAS ALL HER FAULT. This is not a good decent healthy guy. A good decent healthy guy would never DO THAT.
But yes good/decent people can be drawn in to becoming physical by severe emotional abuse and a breakdown of even their own impulses can occur. If a person hits us once – its enough. If a person hits us 100 times – we arent making healthy choices by continuing to stay and they certainly arent functioning in a healthy way either.
It really is so hard to get out from – once we are in it. So damn hard. I hate that part the most.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
LTL – beautiful post.
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learnthelesson says:
One step -
I just hope we all learn and grow from eachother. Every post here offers something for someone, they truly truly do. I just hope that something, some comment, some thought, some word from all of us will resonate with HOC enough to cause her to stop herself in her tracks and say today “Im worthy of liking myself – because I am unique and special” And in honor of that – I am going to take the first baby step toward loving myself — I am going to __________________.
Whatever it is – I hope HOC chooses to do that – instead of put her life in the hands of a very unhealthy, unstable, criminal partner ( a bad man) in her life who she cannot see the REALITY of through her confusion and pain and fear.
But if she looks inside herself she will see the person who NEEDS her to give her love and attention and best self to — is the little girl inside of her begging her to stop doing what shes doing and go ask for help, get help, call for help. I know she can do it for herself – because she is here AND she is bright and caring and loving and giving — just to the wrong person right now — HIM INSTEAD OF HERSELF – because she isnt feeling healthy right now.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
ltl – I was harsh with her, but took the chance for this very reason – something MIGHT get through. And she really really needs to see her situation in the eyes of others. for what it is; grave, painful and just wrong.
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blueskies says:
HOC- so glad to hear from you even if you have nothing much to say about whats been happeing in your life over the last few days (THANK FRICK!:)x
Now I am going to be scarey…prepare yourself…
here’s a (((hug))) before hand just in case…
This last month, I saw a girl, a friend of my daughter’s who I have known since she was 4 dead in the ground at 18.
Because she did not care about herself.
I have met her parents… but from that pivotal moment in adolescence where you grow out of the naivety of being a child and SEE what’s going on for you…she was on a death wish. I GET why.
This girl WAS BEAUTIFUL, WAS extremely creative, not just talking about it, a naturally talented artist and photographer… a flippin great intellect in every way… but she didnt CARE about herself… not even a little bit.
She was sent to the best private school in the second city, had everything money could buy…???
The thing money couldn’t buy is self esteem… self possesion… for what ever (my theories may be and) reason.
She ‘jumped’ out of a moving car and died about a month ago.
After being packed off somewhere. Was probably off her nuts. whether pushed or jumped… ITS FRICKIN TRAGIC.
If she was pushed…I dont care how off her nuts she was…she should not have been pushed…
a WHOLE life of possibilities. Snuffed out. A future mother, a future contributer, a future everything!
I really hope you are talking to your therapist about your loss of touch with your survival instinct… and what YOU want for YOUR future
and I also hope that this person leaves you alone. even if that feels like the end of your world… it may help you find the beginning of it…
..and that you take the time afterwards to get the life that you need, and the things that make YOU happy.
Much love:)x
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learnthelesson says:
Blue -
Im sorry for the tragic loss of your friends daughter. Such tragedy in so many young lives – tragedy that doesnt have to be.
(
When discussing the loss, changes, choices we have to make to get away from a toxic person .. I found these words of yours to be most inspiring in the process of disconnecting ourselves from them:
“even if that feels like the end of your world… it may help you find the beginning of it…
and
“I really hope you are talking to your therapist about your loss of touch with your survival instinct…”
Very well said… especially to HOC
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one_step_at_a_time says:
I am in it. that anger is just coming and coming, grief is rolling out of me like waves on the shore – with every exhale, grief, with every inhale, anger.
I talked to a business contact today, and ended in tears, crying about my family of N’s, batshit crazy people and my poor demented mom.
I have been really trying to keep it together until next week – but I can’t. So, I have to figure it out – how to finish the work of my ending contract when I am so distracted (PTSD anyone? Too bad you can’t make fucking canapés out of it), and overwhelmed by my emotional needs. I am fucked up!
I just noticed something – and I’d like some feedback if you have experienced this, or just get a sense of what might be going on: I am recognizing this anger, while I am making lunch and moving around the kitchen – I see my not putting things away, not taking care with thing the way I would usually – and I SEE IT. There is all of a sudden a damaged sense of care…of things around me, of myself.
What’s the connection between this and anger? I remember being depressed and not being able to DO anything. What’s the connection between anger depression and self care? I remember seeing something years ago that posited that depression was anger (not as a symptom of depression) turned inwards.
What is this feeling to act out? And lose care for myself? Maybe it’s this energy of trapped anger – maybe I am frustrated cause it is so hard for me to release/ allow the anger?! AAAAARRRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!!!
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learnthelesson says:
Dear One -Step -
Im going to be in so much trouble for being late today! LOL I signed off …got organized to get out the door…my computer is on a desk in the kitchen near the back door…I should be in my car (30 minutes ago) lol but logged on one last time…really wondering about HOC and what direction she will go in…
Anyway… I read your above post and what helped me through this and MANY phases of the healing process were Kathleen Hawks articles on the various stages/phases of healing. Ive highlighted the one relating to anger – and there is a followup one about how to rid the anger as well. You have to go to the top left of this page. Listed below all of the readers comments are various headings to click on. Go to Categories and find Kathleen Hawk – click on there and you will find every article in her “healing” series…
Starting with Part 1 all the way through Part 13….CHANGED MY LIFE!
Here is the link for Part 5 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....ing-angry/
Be sure to read Part 6 – you may be ready for part 6! Hang in there – your awareness is going to get you through this! You may be just taking a self imposed necessary time out so you can deal with all thats on your mind! (hugs)
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one_step_at_a_time says:
LTL – My sister slacker!
yes, thank you. i am going through those articles almost every day. pt 5 & 6 especially.
x one step
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witsend says:
One Step,
None of this is easy to sort out. But my humble opinion is that you are dealing with a combination of things. Not just the anger, not just depression and not just PTSD symptoms but a combination of all three. And that just complicates ALL of it.
It is hard to even know where one ends and the other begins.
Because at any given moment you are not even sure what you are experiencing. And although different things “trigger us” into anger or feeling depressed, it is just when we don’t feel that we have an ounce of energy to deal with any of this that sometimes we find ourselves dealing with ALL of it. All at once….
Anger, especially in its raw form is hard to release. Because it certainly takes us out of our comfort zone.
Because our anger makes us uncomfortable we try and contain it. Or let it out in small doses. But I think part of what we experience in our raw anger is that we need to validate (even if just to ourselves) that this anger over our situation we find ourselves in is real. And because many of us have supressed anger for many years the anger goes far beyond the relationship we had with the S/P/N.
Have you read recently any of Kathleens articles on anger? I think we need to allow ourselves this anger phase and I think the first article on anger that she wrote is very helpful….No one says it better than Kathleen, so I won’t even try.
The PTSD and depression symptoms might be heightened by your recent mugging episode. Honestly you might think that you are “over” it but these things sometimes take on a life of their own. Because something like a mugging is just another REALITY in your life that you have had to face, how the world isn’t a safe place.
The fact that you recognize as you go about in the kitchen and not picking up after yourself / taking care of yourself, is actually a good thing. (not that crippling depression where we can’t even SEE what is happeneing in our lives) But it is kind of what happens in PTSD…It is almost like we are setting ourselves up, at times. We see it but are unable (or so it seems) to do anything about it. Then everything becomes overwhelming again….The house is a mess, (because we haven’t picked up after ourselves), we can’t work because we have no concentration, we have procrastinated doing the stuff we “don’t” want to do, we are on an emotional roller coaster, and see no light at the end of the tunnel.
The only thing I have ever been able to do to help with the PTSD symptoms in my own life is to SIMPLIFY. And because I loose FOCUS so easily, when I become overwhelmed, I really mean simplify. If you can only accomplish one or two things in a day. Then so be it. ALLOW yourself this one accomplishment. Praise yourself for what you have accomplished. Instead of being critical of yourself for what you haven’t done.
Anger and depression can fuel each other in an odd sort of way. Throw in PTSD and you have enough to feel paralized from being able to get through each day.
I think you can do this…Because of your self awarness of your situation. Awareness helps. But it is a SLOW process. It gives NEW meaning to the saying progress not perfection.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi witty! thanks for your thoughtful response. i’ll read it over carefully tonight when i have time to let it sink in.
fyi – i was referring to depression in the past tense. i am wondering about some of these connections – if we are able to express raw anger, do we get depressed? is one the antithesis of the other?
i am lots of things – but i don’t think depressed is one of them. anxiety ridden yes, depressed, no.
i have things i HAVE to do this week. can’t get around them, as much as i am full on trying not to. my contract wraps up and there are some other work deadlines that i cannot extend. i have already thrown everything else out the window for the week – like job hunting, advertising for a roommate, cleaning, etc. i will see what else i can kick to the curb.
the mugging is all over me – took several days for it to hit me emotionally – that would have been part of friday night’s meltdown. don’t think for a minute that i am past it in any way.
have to tell you, i was walking home late last night – not the wholer way, but part of the way (the more populated part of the walk) and some skeevey guy said, ‘excuse me’. I luaghed a loud and said, ‘shit, no!’, crossed the street and grabbed a cab.
bye for now.
one step
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witsend says:
One Step,
Well I am of the thinking that there is depression that is caused from brain chemicals being off, the clinical depression and there is temporary depression that is more of a situational depression. Like the kind we might feel temporarily because of what is happening at the moment in our lives….
And that is why I mentioned that maybe the mugging is triggering alot of stuff in you. At first your kind of in shock when something like this takes place. Adrenaline kind of kicks in also and you might be angry at first that this happened to you.
But many emotions follow after that….And also can be triggering things that you were already feeling but now they are intensified beyind belief. Like OMG….To much…Feeling to much. But important to feel it all.
I am so sorry this is all falling on you like a ton of bricks. And for sure it is going to put you in a hypervigilant state when you are out and about. And your anxiety is going to be kicked up several knotches as well. That is what I HATE the most of all is that damned anxiety. I am FULL of it. And it can be so crippling.
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hens says:
I have never been good at expressing anger, I hold it in, I can feel it inside but it never comes to the surface. i compare anger to violence i guess. my x on the other hand expressed it quite well, it was always just below the surface and would explode into violent rages if provoked, and he manipulated me into lighting his fuse so he could explode and rage, it was like a release for him, and always afterwards he was so sorry for his outburst. but at that point the next violent rage was building and building and I would walk on eggshells not to lite his fuse. it was a cycle with him, a pattern,, still I dont do anger.. sometimes i have visions of revenge and I daydream of letting go with a ball bat on him to the point of almost killing him..but I am always docile and easygoing – sometime’s i wish i was mean and butch and could go woop some ass but thats just not me..
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Aeylah says:
I am feeling that raging anger and profound depression again. And here I find these recent posts that are resonating with me.
It’s been 4 weeks to the day since I finally kicked the scum bag to the curb and have maintained NC. But the depth of betrayal, is being flashed at me again in a very auspicious way through facebook. I’ve deleted all remnants of S but we share many common “friends” and he has made sure I know he’s back with the woman he was swearing up and down he didn’t want anything to do with.
I was used as his surgery recovery nurse, objectified as his ED nurse, his private architect and designer, his “woman” front for the family, had my pressious time stolen with flase promises of “this is it- your the one for me-I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, manipulated with money, punished when not complying with his every demand and finally betrayed….yet again.
I’m doing everything possible to heal myself, reading all the articles, all of your posts, THE BETRAYAL BOND, and still this worthless animal get’s to me in an indirect way when I least expect it. GGRRRRRRR……I can’t stand it……
just venting.
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hens says:
Hi Witty – I am not sure if your son has moved back in with you or not. What is the situation? I know about anxiety and yes it was crippling. i guess with your son this is something you need to control, the anxiety, good luck with that. i have calmed down alot,,but I think I lived most of my life in a state of anxious hypervigilence, with my mother and the string of pdo’s that I kept in my life..and there was a string of em – wow – in hindsight I was really a flashing sign that said USE ME USE ME – guess i have some confidence now – cause I know that wont happen again – life is good – maybe dull and lonely but i sure dont miss that anxious hypervigilence that use to be my constant companion..
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OxDrover says:
Dear Aeylah,
CONTRATULATIONS on your one montn NC!!!! TOWANDA!!! That first month is so difficult, and you did it! GREAT JOB!!!
It is painful to realize you’ve been used for X-period of time by a person you loved, an person incapable of loving you back.
But you are on the road to recovery, making progress, and he will only stay the same—((((hugs))))) and God bless.
,
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Aeylah says:
Oxy,
I often read read your posts with amazement of your strength and wisdom and the love you still have in light of what you’ve had to suffer and continue to endure from your own flesh and blood.
Thank you for the support and the hugs….means alot….you are an inspiration!
Love,
Aeylah
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