LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: It starts at home
PDF Editor’s Note: The Lovefraud reader One_Step_at_a_Time sent the following post.
Finally, after a long break, I have returned to reading The Betrayal Bond. I feel immediately open when I read the concepts presented in it, and I feel protected, like someone actually has my best interest at heart.
The spath did not. And yet she did things looked like she cared for me, or perhaps she was just protecting her supply. I don’t know yet, but as I remember and unravel my experience with her, I will start to write those things down, and ask here, “please decode this for me, ‘cause I just don’t know, it is too close and I cannot see the whole of its shape.”
Tonight, after an intense week that was a sprint for my tired spirit and body, I have a break. So, into the tub I went for a nice long soak and a read. Five pages further along in The Betrayal Bond, and I am triggered. But not in a bad way. More like, hmm? And then, aha!
My dad. I could see the arc of our relationship; it was so gradual, and so alienating I hadn’t seen it. A few weeks before Christmas this year I went NC with my dad. I felt it was the right thing to do – probably more clear to me emotionally at this time, than being NC with the spath is.
My dad – THAT guy. That guy who I loved and cherished as a kid – who, by default, was the more easygoing adult in the house; THAT guy who I emulated, who I was proud of as a kid; THAT guy who, as he ages, becomes increasingly more bizarre, cold, and narcissitic. THAT guy – whose “love,” I recognized tonight, in the arc of devalue and discard.
My old man is an N. My mom told me a story a couple of times of the second year of their marriage, in which my dad goes out and and spends the money they (“she”) needs for formula for my older sib, on gas for a boat so that he can go water skiing. Now, my old man is in his seventh decade, and is first generation – comes from a very patriarchal eastern European family – was a young hot shot, worked hard, played hard. His being selfish at a young age, well, it can be understood in the context of his life. His actions: reprehensible. Possible to contextualize: yes. How my mother must have felt. Her husband spent the money they needed to feed their child. It was the 50’s; you didn’t leave even if they were beating you.
I moved far away from home at 18; thousands of miles away. I was more intelligent than I knew. It was 15 years before I understood that I went to get away from them.
My mom has been my dad’s supply my whole life. And now she’s ill and he has lost his supply, and as a friend says, his head is so far up his ass, we haven’t seen his neck in a decade.
And she still tries. And she has ALWAYS tried to broker deals and cajole and shame me into taking care of him – be another source. My WHOLE life – even now, demented as hell, she does this. It has made it so much easier for her to dismiss his behaviour, because she cannot remember how he hurts her, day in, day out.
When I first came back to this area, I stayed with them, and I stayed much longer than I should have. I couldn’t leave her. It was amazing; I actually had to RUN AWAY FROM HOME in my 40’s.
I have been struggling mightily. The last four years have been a spiral of worsening conditions for me. For the first time in my life, I need the help of my family. Any given month right since the hardcore spath experience I have been one bad decision or circumstance away from the street.
And my dad will not help.
Now, I cannot talk to my mom – cannot see her, cannot not tell her what he has done and continues to do, cannot ask for help and cannot challenge her mixed up salad thinking that has her acting like they have no money and she has no conscience about helping her daughter. I cannot challenge her – this poor demented woman. Nor could I challenge the poor demented spath. The poor, helpless, abused spath.
Several years ago, my father as trustee of my inheritance from my grandfather, screwed me. It is a long and complex story. It took eight years of lies and unfulfilled promises to *get* that he has stolen this money from me, and truly, has NO intention of paying it back.
I am really lucky; I have friends who have called his behaviour, have looked at me in horror when I describe the things that he has done, and continues to do. A look of horror goes a long way with me; it speaks directly to my damaged sense of self service, saying, “look, someone else knows this is wrong, knows you have done nothing to deserve this treatment, KNOWS his actions are disordered.” Funny, I KNOW his actions are wrong, but I have tried again and again AND AGAIN – to MAKE IT RIGHT.
I have been profoundly shamed by my father’s treatment of me. In the last four years he has constantly devalued me. And now, I am discarded, because I NEED HIM to be giving, and loving and supportive.
The N arc has taken decades to show itself. But there it is. As I am writing about it I keep seeing a rainbow, “arco iris” in Spanish. If being spathed finally got me to see my father for what he is, then so be it.
I have a long way to go in this healing around him and the supply mentality of my mom and my upbringing. I am up for a little enlightened self interest at this point in my life. I pray that I can learn to be smart in this way. The possibility seems kinda exciting (and ya know, I like me some excitement 
but I am not sure if I will be able to do it.
My dad bought a new boat last year.
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
ErinBrock says:
Gem…..I put away the golden and silver plated skillets….no need for those…..
Ya know….sometimes curiosity kills the cat…..and this is the only way we can learn this lesson…..
Yeah…..don’t beat yourself up….jsut go right back to the NC.
The further away you are the better…..
Keep in touch with GK’s through the ex…..and leave it at that.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you and my heart is heavy for your pain……I hope my son can figure himself out…..so one day i don’t wear the shoes your in now.
Keep your head high…….
XXOO
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heartmoonstar says:
EB, you ever go to Speedboat…maybe we could meet there someday…
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ErinBrock says:
the beach, or that house right there?
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ErinBrock says:
HAHAHAAH…..I had a thought……I GO THERE ON THE JET SKI I just transfered from the S!!!!! Cuz he never picked it up….he abandoned it!!!!
Ha ha…….ha.ha…
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heartmoonstar says:
c bay…….CA side
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one_step_at_a_time says:
EB: ROTFL!!
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ErinBrock says:
Actually Brockway, JUST over the line.
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heartmoonstar says:
Yup….small but local….great place to hang out…like a mini sand harbor!
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ErinBrock says:
One:
Ya know….you ask what bothers me?
Well…..I’m really NOT sure….I guess I’ve personally always been monogomous and hetro……and during my 28 year LIFETIME marriage…..I took it for granted, assumed and expected him to be loyal, honest and monogomous……
which meant straight…..since I am a woman…..
We had conversations about cheating and came to the conclusion it was NOT okay in OUR relationship….hence I remained faithful…..
So….the thought of knowing the man I was having sex with….my husband had his thing in holes I had my mouth on…..disturbs me….and the fact he was just plane old going outside our relationship for sex….either male or female was a violation and not okay with me.
His dick wasn’t in my ass…..why would I think it would be in someone elses….let alone a male ass?
I’m quite okay with others sexuality…..and do not judge what others do…..(as long as it ‘s not hurting children etc…)
But if I’m offering hetro and monog and loyalty…..why can’t I expect it back?
It just is seeming way too much to expect from what I see on CL…..and hear from others…..
I just expect monogomy….and maybe i’m expecting too much.
For me to be intimate…..I don’t want to envision John with the man i’m married to…..or John doing xx or zz to my husband…..
Does this make sense???/
It boils down to personal preference and what I am bringing to the table…..
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heartmoonstar says:
OMG just read about the jet ski….LOL! The ex made sure he kept all the toys….
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ErinBrock says:
I LOVE the granite boulders there……
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heartmoonstar says:
The beach! when I am there in the summer….i live in the SF bay area, but would like to move once my youngest is out of high school….my dream plan!
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heartmoonstar says:
I try to get to the mountains at least once a month….but have been hindered by this &%$#$% ongoing divorce..
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one_step_at_a_time says:
EB – i think sexual orientation and monogamy are distinct from one another. one can be loyal honest and monogamous…and bi.
(i am not suggesting that the spath was this or that – i think they are whatever suits them in the moment and sets up their marks.)
it must have been one hell of a shock and quite painful to find those pics of your x. I know that one of my spath’s other dupes was really affected when she found out the spath was a woman. this doesn’t matter to me…for obvious reasons. but also i just don’t care that much about gender – orientation yes, gender no.
there is no reason to accept anything less than what you want. and what feels good and comfortable for you.
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ErinBrock says:
Don’t let it get you down……
am I right….the divorce is final?
Are you on ‘clean up’ duty now?
Yeah…..I don’t know what you’ve read aobut my ‘story’.here at LF…but I’m a big advocate of fighting back…..
In my case, I felt I didnt have much of a choice!
Cancer, strokes, artery issues as he was dealing drugs and involving the kdis….
Then draining the accounts etc….targeting my Health ins as I was in treatment etc….
Real winner…..
SO……It all bit him in the ass….I documented like a mad woman……and learned the way to go through the courts…..did my homework and kicked his ASS in court.
He came out……with the jet ski, cookbooks and a set of golf clubs…..
Never came to pick them up……so in Dec. I sent a letter of abandoned property….shit or get off the pot type letter….get your crap out of MY garage…….and I’m not your friend and I will NOT help you out dickhead…….letter…..he never responded until AFTER the deadline and I had already transfered title and disposed of property…..
The kids wanted the jet ski and golf clubs…..this is why he argued in court for these…..I offered to settle on health insu or child support……but he he had to have the jet/clubs….so okay…but I ain’t gonna store them for ya!
So now their mine to do what I wish with…..so sue me ass hole!!!!
In the end…..he got a mattress and dresser and some art that was his prior to marriage……
NOTHING ELSE>…I got both houses…..and toys and even the friggen car I hated that was his prior to marriage that belonged to his great grandmother…..
I told my attorney….I DON”T want that car….or the boat…..she looked at me and said…..we are going for the clean sweep……
Oh, okay……
I’d LOVE to give that car to someone that would promise to trick it out and drive it locally, so word would get out that EB gave it to me…..it’d KILL him……
Ha fucker!
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heartmoonstar says:
yes, on clean up duty and was hoping to be through this….but he is being sued separately and has been doggedly trying to get me to take half the liability for his acts….no way…but he keeps dragging me into it…the litigants are flying out here in two days to depo me …the shit goes on…and on…and on….
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ErinBrock says:
One:
Totally agreed.
Monogamy is being with only one partner/relationship at a time……(and i;m not talking about 3 somes)….
whether your gay/straight/bi.
I think finding out about his men thing was not really as shocking as one would think…..because I was in the midst of a ‘storm’ and it wasn’t as if there were not red flags along the way…..I dismissed because he was MY husband.
But we were already separated and people came to me over and over asking about this, telling me stories and then the CL ad……
I thought I printed the picture…..but I moved it to my documents and emailed it to friends with the caption of
“Who is this”…….and it disappeared…..poof……the picture portion off the document AND email picture……
Why???
But anyways…..it’s creepy to me…..if he wanted men….discuss it with me……and be honest…..BUT…he knew I wouldn’t be okay with it…..and he prefered to have his secrets….like his whole LIFE!!!! of secrets…..
so he just did it…..thinking he wouldn’t ever be found out…..
WELL when your lie involves another person……it’ll always come out eventually……especially when you betray someone…..NOW HES EXPOSED……
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ErinBrock says:
Oh, oh, oh…….I remember.
Yikes…..
Did you get the answers you were looking for?
Are you prepared?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
the pic just disappeared? very odd. no idea what that is about.
but i am digging the whole – emailed it to friends
discussion, accountability and honesty – not the strong suits of a spath.
night night. late here. time for zzzzzzzzzz
one step
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heartmoonstar says:
Yikes….what a story just from what you posted above!
I would have done the same thing in court…but I moved out of our residence for my survival….could not take the ongoing abuse which was ratcheted up tenfold once he realized I wanted out.
So I left a lot of stuff behind. Unimportant stuff now to me…the ATV’s, the dirt bike, the fishing boat, camper, golf equipment….everything in the toy department…
It all smelled of him. He can have it…I’m sure it was one of his “wins” he could gloat about.
I had health issues, but they miraculously went away when I left. It makes me extremely happy to wake up each morning and not see him there next to me….
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ErinBrock says:
Sexual orientation has NOTHING to do with being dishonest or dis loyal or not monogomous…..
Let me clear that up……..
Sorry if I wasn’t clear on my intent….
DISHONEST PERSONS ARE DISLOYAL AND NON MONOGOMOUS>>>>>>>
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heartmoonstar says:
DISHONEST PERSONS ARE DISLOYAL AND NON MONOGOMOUS….
Exactly, and you are harmed through their acts because they just don’t care about anyone but themselves. Period.
Rosa, I used to do the same thing, trying to find out things and then try to reason or discuss, especially with the MIL……it just doesn’t work because of what they are…its like trying to reason with a piece of shit….it will only get on you and make you smell! Just flush it away….and twice for good riddance!
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ErinBrock says:
I just lost a long post….SHIT!
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midlifecrisis says:
One Step – many thanks for your comforting words. I know what you mean about the parental expectations building a glass ceiling for our performance. I have hit it with negative evaluations from external sources as well as negative self talk and you paint a really good description that this process is forcing you to smash through it. I get a taste of that in the wind as well – that soon there will be no limits – either imposed from without or within. I hope it is true – the thought of it sets me on fire
No real other thoughts to share today – if I had been your mama – I would have talked with you lots about the big feelings inside your heart and mind – given you words to express them and creative processes to converse with them. I am sorry we both weren’t honored in this way. Maybe we can pay it forward in some way for other children one day when we recognise that sensitivity?
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TooLate says:
CAmom,
I just read your story, far above in the posts. OMG … I am SO sorry! When I read it, I just wanted to reach out to you and cry.
I am usually good with words … but not this time. The kind of emotional pain you had to endure from your childhood is unfathomable.
I always thought that the monsters in fairy tales were make believe. Not anymore.
Kimberly
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midlifecrisis says:
Erin – your question about why they can’t be honest with whether they want men or women? I was thinking about a related topic today. I said to a friend
“It’s the pretending that hurts – I gave him opportunities to get out – actually asked him DO YOU WANT OUT? And he said no always. So he pretended to be ‘happy’ with me even though he wasn’t – he didn’t want the chance that I could be happy with someone else. He wanted me off the market but totally unhappy and unfulfilled with him. It’s so sick. If you don’t want to be with someone – you get honest and you leave – you don’t drive them mad by saying you love them and then making it obvious in actions that you hate them.”
They have no respect for our values or our desires – they just want what they want. And they want us off the market to hang around for the possibility of giving them secondary supply when outside sources don’t come through and they’re running low on lifeblood. We’re just the backup – like dolls on a shelf to be picked up and thrown aside for their amusement. No consideration of us as people with wishes, hopes and dreams – we are just objects that fulfil a role – to make them look good and normal. We’re just a prop in a huge staged play where they are the main and only actor. We are inert, without life, feelings, rights of our own – to be moved around and manipulated by the psychopath for their own amusement. Man it makes my blood boil to realise it!
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heartmoonstar says:
Points well taken….I was thinking along those same lines….don’t want to help him at all….and my atty wants me to answer in short oneliners…she is prepared to object to anything and everything…
I feel protected by many cases I have read up on….and what the independent judge told me who prepared our MSA. My separate assets cannot be attached for a judgment against him.
http://74.125.155.132/search?q.....=firefox-a
My fear is after the trial, if they get a judgment, he will sue me, just for spite…of course he will.
Been hearing through the grapevine that he is shitting bricks over my depo…does my heart good to know this…
He is supposed to attend with his atty…but I am betting he will be a no show…he is a coward and will not want to be in the same room with the attys that are suing him..
Planting that seed may just come out, depending on the questioning….I get the feeling that they know he is a CB, just based on the whole case.
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hens says:
midlifecrisis – that was a powerful post..thanks
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heartmoonstar says:
very weird…..
I just answered a long post of yours, EB, then accidentally clicked out of LF….and your post is gone!
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heartmoonstar says:
midlifecrisis….I am right there with hens…
You hit the nail on the head with that post.
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midlifecrisis says:
Aw thanks hens and heartmoonstar – I feel like such a broken record recounting to my dear friend over coffee every time I see him how hurt I am about it all – being just shoved to the side and replaced within a few weeks. It’s all about just using someone – we don’t matter at all. All those gifts inside us that we were so proud of building and growing don’t matter – we could have been any random person from the street – even someone who didn’t care as much and didn’t have the depth of feeling.
That’s also what hurts – as well as many o ther aspects if I am honest. How do I word it? I had so much light and love and goodness inside and such a need for love and affirmation – why did I end up with someone who couldn’t have cared less about my personal qualities? Why couldn’t he have picked someone who was cold and hostile and unfeeling? It seems like double cruelty that he selected me. Of course intellectually I know the answer – the good qualities were prime qualities for exploitation. Had he picked someone that didn’t care, they would have given him no attention, wouldn’t have scrubbed his shirts or been concerned about his nutrition and making healthy meals that tasted good. It’s so messed up – to know that every effort, every ounce of energy expended was a waste of time. Nothing we did could have made any difference to them. We could have sat on our asses on the sofa for years picking our noses and it wouldn’t have made any difference at all. All that care and concern was wasted at the hands of someone who didn’t know how to appreciate what he was being offered and how precious it was. And now it feels ruined. IF I did meet someone nice, I don’t know that I could go through all that special effort again – I just feel so jaded knowing how badly I was betrayed.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
midlife: i have played it forward. and continue to
(that was one of the reasons i got involved with the spath…but that will not stop me with others…um, younger and um, REAL. Snort!)
that i gave so much in that creative support realm is one of the areas of real hurt and anger in the ‘spath aftermath’ =spathermath. It is a spiritual thing for me.
x one step
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learnthelesson says:
CA Mom,
It took me a full 24 hours to be able to find any words to say to you after reading your post. It was challenging to read.
I think we are very blessed to have you here at LF, because I dont know many people who would have chosen to survive – after experiencing that kind of VERBAL emotional torture and death – as a child/teenager – over and over and over again, night after night. Never-ending, but constantly changing throughout the years of your life —
Your words to one-step, — “You are strong and brave, valued and valuable” –I hope and pray, are words that you know hold so very very true about you –
Thank you for sharing – there is or will be someone undoubtedly struggling and suffering and will relate to your post in a way that will encourage them and inspire them to hold on. Because when you know you are a beautiful and strong soul – your spirit will always carry you to a better place.
Best and a cyber ((hug)) to u – LTL
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learnthelesson says:
Midlife,
Your last post at 3:54… sounds like you jumped inside both myself and Hens and pulled out every last word we ever felt about our x-S. Verbatum.
ITS SOOO PAINFUL AND DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND WTF HAPPENED…how it turned into us 100% giving and them 110% taking….
What I have learned is I just didnt have the tools to deal with somebody like him. All I ever knew was to give my best, do my best, spread the wealth and the love, share, help, give…etc…. and then low and behold a S chooses to enter my life/I choose to enter his life — a S who feeds off of our most beautiful and wonderful qualities. A “S” sucks the energy and life out of us sometimes on purpose sometimes by circumstance ( we give/they take)…
As much as they chose us. We chose them. The difference is we didnt have the tools to stop choosing them…
we only had the tools to keep giving, doing, being our best. I constantly go back in time now – and see the opportunities I had to say “WHOA – this doesnt feel right to me…Whoa this is not a mutual relationship and I need to stop choosing to stay here with him and to get out” – I now know if I had more self-assurance, self-respect – self-trust self-worth SELF-LOVE – I would have had the tools and strength to say see ya loser — several years earlier.
I do not blame myself for not having done that. Instead I view it as a life learning experience. I spent several years getting to this point. It does not come easy (the awareness) that I too had a choice of the kind of partner/lover/friend I want to give to. I have boundaries now, and at 43 I finally feel like an adult who PROTECTS myself and FINALLY LOOKS OUT FOR ME, MY OWN BEST INTEREST. I rely on nobody else to do that. But if they do that..its bonus points in my life!!
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hens says:
learnthelesson – heartmoonstar – Midlifecrisis’s post jumped off the page and made us feel whole again, she coined the description of what they did in a way that remind’s us of our good quality’s and how we were exploited just by being in the right place at the wrong time. We were in their path of destruction and although we have learned a valuable lesson and have been forced to study our past, we are good people that no matter what trial’s our past holds, we did not deserve this.
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midlifecrisis says:
Learn the lesson – damned good points there – we didn;t have the tools to deal with people like that nor the knowledge that tools would even be needed. I was blindsided by it – had no knowledge that evil people like that were out roaming around.I stupidly assumed that if you gave as much as you can, the other person would reciprocate and eventually it would all balance out. Dumb dumb me. It hurts to have been so stupid with such good intentions.
Thankyou Hens and LTL for saying you understand – it does help some to know I am not the only person left stunned by this. It sucks to think all my niceness was wasted on him … and for what? Amusement? He had all the toys but they weren’t enough for him – he wanted human toys as well. That’s just sick.
I will get past it but my mind is just so focussed on the injustice of it at the moment. I suffer thoughts of it all the time – wake up thinking about it.
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learnthelesson says:
Hens – I totally agree with you. WE DID NOT DESERVE THIS! What I learned tho, was when Im in the right place at the wrong time now – I act on it and remove myself. I protect myself from both good intended people and Sociopaths who dont treat me right or equal or cross my boundaries. Where as pre-S – I didnt have the tools to do that.
We can only be in someones path of destruction because we either dont have the tools to get ourselves out of the way or we choose to ignore the red flags, the bad treatment. When I go back in time, I see that I wrote things off I SHOULD NOT HAVE, I turned a cheek, I made excuses because I wanted it to work. Now I know a one-sided caring and giving relationship can never work. I just didnt have the tools to deal with his person, his personality his ways.
We didnt deserve it for sure. And now we make sure they dont deserve us on any level.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
midlife – i have an image of your focus, zeroing in on the injustice, as becoming laser like – and that with practice that it will shatter a wall of illusion, and you will gain more clarity, and be freed at a deeper level.
and perhaps your superhero self needs laser vision. spath cutting laser visoin. oops, that would be MY fantasy
ribs anyone?
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learnthelesson says:
Midlife -
I learned about not having the tools or self-awareness from Kathleen Hawk. One of the Angels that lend their insights here at LF. Kathleen has done a series of articles on the healing process… it single-handedly helped me the most.
I love that you wrote I WiLL GET PAST IT – because you will!!! Its fine where you are right now – its where you need to be — it so is a process — phases of understanding and digesting and hurting and learning and accepting…etc….
Try not to suffer at the thoughts if you can. I still – several years later also wake up thinking about different things from back then. But I do so with a learning intent. Ive come to accept I was such a good person to him – and that its his loss. And Ive come to accept I was better to him than I was to myself – so that part of me has changed. I now take care of me and let life happen around my expectations of how I should be treated and how I should treat others. Nothing too excessive just good old fashioned respect kindness love and healthy disagreements where communication is allowed to exist!
As you go through this process of trying to process and understand make sure you also make a point to do something special for yourself each day. A warm bubble bath, a special treat, doing your nails, reading a book, taking a walk — slowly reconnecting with focusing on you while balancing the healing process. I found it challenging at first but once i did this it helped me immensely! LTL
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learnthelesson says:
ps Midlife….
yes in healthy balanced relationships you give your best and receive the best in return from your partner/lover/friend…
Now, others earn my trust and respect and love. I dont just give it away to anyone who appears before me – unrealistically assuming that they have my best interest in mind too. Some people just dont live that way. They are selfish and self-involved while pretending to be caring giving. But they cant earn my trust because they have the one fault of displaying who they are by their actions.
Once you get past this, you will be all that you are and even better toward yourself! Its a win win when you kick a S to the curb
) Just a long hard road to get to the finish line!! (at least for me it is..Im still on the road to healing 
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heartmoonstar says:
the N has not emailed me for at least 10 days, then last night he starts in with me about our son.
All the typical blaming stuff, you guys know the show…
If I don’t respond, he “assumes”. And I am not arguing with him, I am setting the record straight with him via viable and provable correspondence.
If I don’t respond and he “assumes” then this is what will happen:
His atty will send a 40 page declaration to the court, stating I am breaking the custodial rules, and demand that I be sanctioned and pay for their atty fees.
It’s a fukn circus act dealing with a Malignant Narcissist and his Psychopath girlfriend/attorney.
I know how THEY work. I have been living it for 3 years.
I know how HE works. I have been living THAT for 29 years, and the thousand red flags are now waving, no longer boxed up and put away.
.
I can guarantee you he will have sent my last email to the Psycho, who will then write a response for the illiterate Narcissist, and he will zip it off to me as soon as he gets it.
I know the pattern of sickness and evil.
It has nothing to do with him not being deserving of “parenting time”.
It is about Control and his ongoing campaign to make me more miserable than he is.
It is a Psychotic Mind Fuck and nothing less.
I have ended the back and forth with this email: (words misspelled here on purpose)
“`u have beet this dog to deeaaath. drop it already and do sumthin construcktive….like reeding up on NPD, or skrewing urself““
Need a hot shower to get this stink offa me…
Happy happy Sunday to everyone! Hang in there!
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midlifecrisis says:
Yes One Step my spath radar – ‘spradar’ (we’re getting a bit ridiculous on the spath lingo lol) is well attuned now – I notice most the need to get attention in any way possible – good, bad, shameful or embarrassing – doesn’t matter to them does it?
LTL – I tended to trust automatically too – this is something that has now changed rapidly – people have to earn my trust and I take my time in getting to know them now. That was definitely a pitfall for the P – I trusted him not knowing he didn’t deserve it and I for some reason could not revoke my trust in him even knowing he let me down repeatedly. I just couldn’t understand that someone would repeatedly break trust on purpose. I still can’t to be honest. I can understand intellectually but I have a real problem understanding it totally. I have read all of Kathleen’s posts and get something different out of each of them – such a great writer and with such clear understanding of it.
HMS – I don;t know how you are managing with such horrible tactics – I hope my battle doesn;t come to that situation – a shower is definitely needed sometimes to get the filth of them off our skin and out of our system!
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CAmom says:
Queridita Onestep:
Gracias para tus palabras tan lindas y profundas.
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CAmom says:
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CAmom says:
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CAmom says:
Matt:
I am rejoicing for you and with you. You’re an inspiration for me ~~you not only survived, you are thriving! I’m 56 and maybe it’s not too late for me…
Now about the house burning…since we probably won’t be able to do that I’ve been thinking that if my dad dies before me and assuming he leaves it to me and my sisters…and it’ll be sold…I want to get an exorcist in there to cleanse it before it goes on the market.
Just wanted to throw that out there in case you hadn’t thought of it ; )
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Matt says:
CAmom:
Funny you should mention an exorcist…
The summer of 2008 I took the S-ex to my family’s villa on Mykonos. He promptly ripped off my neighbor’s villa. The entire vacation was a horror. I remember the last day we were there. I was sitting by the pool by myself (S had vanished yet again to surf the web) and looking at all these couples — gay and straight — who were so in love. I started to cry. To say S-ex’s negative energy destroyed a place that has always been special to me is an understatement.
As I told my brother after that trip “the only thing that gives me any comfort is the thought that me? I’ll be coming back to Mykonos? He? Will not.”
Cut to — summer of 2009. I arrived on the island and promptly performed a full blown exorcism on the villa. I mean I did it all — candles, salt across the doorways, everything.
And I had the best time of my life there.
So, yes, I fully endorse performing an exorcism.
Also, I remember you mentioning the roosters on the kitchen wall. My father had a thing about those. He built us a clubhouse which had a rooster over the door. I cannot look at those birds to this day.
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CAmom says:
Matt:
That sounds hideous–your S-ex stealing from your neighbors? Mine used to shoplift a lot…and surf the web for gay porn whenever he could–he was compulsive.
So the exorcism worked! My dad’s house has about 50 years of ugly energy crammed in there–it’s as if the walls breathe out pure evil. Weird.
There are white witches around here from Mexico, and Native American healers. It’s gonna be more the egg under the beds, the candles, the palm fronds.
And I’m going to make (ask) (nicely) my sister take those bloody roosters down. Actually…everything in the house should be thrown into a landfill. I don’t want the bad karma of giving it to Goodwill and some innocent family sitting on those sofas, that bed…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
CAmom: BONFIRE!!
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autisticsouls says:
wow one step. this is intense. i haven’t posted in a bit as i’ve been terribly busy. also some of us and the kids in our group started a website going. took some time to get all into it as we are very waldorfy so not only didn’t the kids learn to read at the same rate as average but they also didn’t have much access to technology for quite some time, took some time to commune with nature in their childhood so we didn’t want to toss them into the technology age until ready. also most are autistic so we are way behind on things.
plus i was reading up on the latest posts and it was way too intense for me to grasp. i feel guilty for coming on with just co-worker issues. my problems are so very small in comparison.
i can’t even begin to imagine what you and some others have gone through or even imagine what kind of childhood that must have been like. to feel something i have to somewhat have to match it to some experience i’ve had. and having nothing that even comes up close to some of the stories posted here leaves me useless to offer anything to folks.
my childhood was very nurturing. my father grew up in israeli kibbutz. so he was literaly raised by an entire village. not much parental abuse could happen when children were in essence ‘everyone’s children’.
My parents did lose all their family members in the holocaust but my grandparents were the only ones to survive from their respective families but they didn’t say much while i grew up. pretty quiet and introverted they were. my parents were open optimistic people who always taught me the world was a good place, living was good, people don’t mean to be evil and all of that. which seemed strange being that they both grew up on stories of family members they will never see or meet because they were slaughtered.
i think that was the closest thing i could to try to match things up to. but it falls empty. i never knew those family members so i don’t feel any loss over them. Also the stories told about them were always very vibrant so can they really be dead anyhow?
strange musings. the only difficult thing i’ve had to overcome is my autism. and that isn’t even half as bad as having a childhood stolen. Shit i stayed a child a lot longer than most, by my condition and by how my parents did what they could to shelter me from the uglyiness of the world for as long as they could.
i would agree it must start at home. growing up the way i did in a nurturing supportive environment i couldn’t really have remained with a psychopath. the world is hectic and chaotic enough. so my home life has to be stable and secure. any deviations would not be tolerated. sure my wife can’t tie her shoe laces, loses speech and bites psychopaths if they come too close, and sniffs folks in public but none of that bothers me.
emotional inflicted trauma i would have a very short tolerence of. i don’t care if i have to tie her shoes for the rest of our lives. i’m loved and valued and supported at home. geez. she even came to this list to find help for me. so i did marry someone who was much like the people who raised me. so alot does start at home i agree.
i think it’s tragic that you didn’t have that. that you didn’t grow up with that. because all people deserve healthy childhoods. and a disrupted childhood seems to follow folks for the rest of their lives.
i am so sorry One step you know you deserved so much better than what you ended up with. i don’t know what to say. it’s just a complete crime what happens to children. and so little is done about it. i read a book recently called “kadish for a child not born” and it’s about a guy who chose not to have children because he could not bring children into a world where the holocaust happened. he cared so much about protecting his children against the evils of the world he didn’t even have them and mourned never having them. i guess it’s easy to have children when they don’t really care about them. me, i worry about this world too and my childen in it. our children today in this cruel world. how are the psychopaths children faring? it would be too painful to contemplate. their young lives destroyed. how will they ever recover their loss of childhood and innocence?
hey look at our website maybe it will keep your mind off things. the kids have been putting all our resource links there. some that can be useful to you maybe or at least interesting. http://www.autisticdimensions.webs.com
Mike
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