After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 15 – Comfort and Joy
PDF Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, the turn of the year, the winter solstice and all the holidays of the “dark” time of the year are celebrations of the miracle of renewal. The harvest and colorful leaf fall of autumn is over, and the seasons are turning again to the beginning of the annual cycle of life. Our gifts, all our gatherings, the lights and candles are all expressions of joy in our shared warmth, and our faith and hope in our survival through the cold months to the blooming of spring again.
This morning, reading in bed (Richard Powers’ Prisoners Dilemma), I found this line: “Inside each of us is a script of the greater epic writ little, an atlas of politics so abundant it threats to fill us full to breaking.”
It made me want to write you about the “politics” of getting over a relationship with a sociopath. Sociopaths challenge our faith and hope. Our faith in ourselves, and the goodness of the world. And our hope that there are happy endings for us, or that anything we do will be enough to prevail over the forces of evil or the random destruction that appears in any life. In some ways, this is the biggest challenge of healing – to recover our easy belief that we are precious in the world and that what we need is here for us. Somewhere in our hearts, we remember feeling that way. But we are struggling with a terrible lesson that seems to prove otherwise.
As I write this today, I am looking out the windows behind my desk at a grey sky. Sleet is coming and dangerous roads. The snow is frozen hard on the ground, and dozens of finches, cardinals and jays are at the feeders. At dawn, deer came to nibble on the ears of corn my son scattered at the edge of the woods. My furnace died earlier this week, on a day where the temperature never climbed above 25, and it was 12 hours before the repairmen figured out how to get it going again. Now, with the heat turned up, and me wrapped in sweaters and fleece and woolen socks, my fingers and toes are chilled by the cold that falls through the storm windows.
Elsewhere in the house, my years-old Christmas cactus is blooming beside a wildly-sprigging rosemary bush that looks vaguely like a Christmas tree. Wrinkled but still sweet apples, picked months ago from a local orchard, wait to be peeled and mixed with mincemeat for a pie. A leg of lamb is in the refrigerator for Christmas dinner with a man who was an untrustworthy lover, but a loyal and delightful friend. After dinner, we will go to the movies with my son to see Robert Downey Jr. in Sherlock Holmes.
All of it stories of risk and survival, disaster and renewal, the fine edge we walk and the mysterious providence that brings us to each new day. Even the most blessed life encounters harsh weather, and sometimes we find ourselves in trouble that taxes us beyond our conventional wisdom. When our rules don’t work, and our usual insurance policies don’t suffice, we are challenged. And often, we don’t know what it means.
Does it mean that somehow we have fallen from grace, that our luck has changed and we are no longer loved by the world? Does it mean that we are broken in some fundamental way, and no longer dare to be comfortable with ourselves? Does it mean that the world is darker than we once imagined, and that we must struggle harder for less?
This is what a great philosopher called the “dark night of the soul.” In this midst of this challenge, there is something truly great happening. A kind of personal miracle that – depending on how we think about things – occurs in our intellect, emotions or spirit. When faced by something we do not understand and cannot manage with our usual tools, we are learning and growing. Like the germs of life stirring in the seeds buried in the cold earth, we are experiencing the birth of something new in ourselves.
Because the challenge is threatening, because it makes us question ourselves and what we know, the first part of the learning seems like recognition of evil in the world. Sociopaths seem to be dark messengers, informing us that our love, goodness and hope cannot triumph over their selfishness, greed and senseless destruction. But in time, we come to realize that this lesson is not really about evil at all, but despair.
This is about a war – profound and eternal – of belief. Are we, as sociopaths believe, essentially alone in an uncaring and untrustworthy world, forced by circumstance and entitled by the survival instinct to take whatever we can grab for ourselves? Or is there something about us that is blessed by connection to something larger – the love we share with other people, our dependence on the combined strength of our communities, our instinct that an infinite wisdom and strength exists beyond our imagining, larger than us, but also part of us? And that we are meant, by some birthright that we can hardly explain but that is clearly part of our deep character, to find lasting peace, understanding and gratitude.
What we ultimately learn from an intimate encounter with a sociopath is that this battle is not in the world, but in ourselves. The sociopath triggers our fears, our insecurities, our willingness to give up what we value for the illusion that the ultimate source of love or safety is outside of us. In their betrayals, in the brutal disappointments they return for our commitment to the gorgeous illusions they cast to draw us in, we are thrown back on ourselves. They prove to us, in a way that is a perfect mirror of however much we were willing to give them to make this illusion real, that the first source of our love, safety and greatest wisdom is inside of us. That, however important shared love and community may be, the foundation of everything good in our lives is inside us.
It is about what we believe. At base, under all the little rules we’ve picked up from parents and teachers, under all the little restrictions we’ve placed on ourselves as a result of old traumas, under all the lingering resentments or fears we’ve never resolved, is what we believe about ourselves and this life. It is what, under it all, we know to be the truth and the meaning of our stories.
Our lives, like the life of every other living thing, are about survival and growth and learning. Our lives are about understanding more as we age, an evolving wisdom that sometimes grows out of joy and triumph and sometimes out of pain and loss. Our lives are about trying, not waiting around for something to happen, but also believing that trying is not just us working at what we see. Trying also magically attracts new resources to us. Everyone here on LoveFraud knows how trying to get better brought us here, and here we found resources that simply zoomed toward us, challenging us in good ways to wake up to new ideas and use them. That is how the world works.
Our lives are also about seasons. Not just the season of age, but the seasons of mastery. We have little challenges to learn on a daily basis, and we have huge challenges that we inherited, and that are so much part of the fabric of our family’s history or the state of the entire world that a lifetime may not be enough to understand it all or master its opportunities. We learn the immediate things – how to change a diaper, work the e-mail, get along with a boss, drive in the snow. But our lifetimes are also about those immense inherited questions, and part of the meaning of our life is how much we do learn and how our learning affects the great whole.
Nothing, not one breath or molecule of these recoveries from grief and loss, is wasted. We are part of a great turning of seasons. What we do here is important. We are important. The world and the great spirit that gives it life force have given us a gift, an opportunity to learn something amazing. About ourselves. About the meaning of love and belonging, as well as solitary courage. About how to be whole in the face of adversity. About the great cycle of renewal in ourselves, and how truly dependable is the fact that we are meant to learn, grow, thrive, bloom again, and face new challenges as we feel strong enough for a thrilling new learning experience.
The earth is turning toward sunnier days. Seasons when we take the warmth and light for granted. So are we.
As Oxy likes to remind us, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Not just to endure. But to recover joy, confidence and belief that every bit of this is a gift, sent to us to help us clear our internal decks, get rid of fear and grief and anger, and open our minds to the bright spirit of faith and hope, peace and joy, understanding and gratitude that is our birthright, that lives in the center of our beings.
Namaste. The light in me salutes the light in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
pollyannanomore says:
Thanks imfree, but I don’t have RA – I have a colleague who does though!
Thanks for your care imfree – that was really nice of you to offer me information.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
FIBRO sufferers:
Hi guys, there is an institute I recently read about, not sure if you have receieved this info…..not sure how ‘global’ this news has been……..Check out the link below.
It’ will give you info on the peterson institute which has made headways on this topic of fibromyalga and Chronic fatigue…..
Hope this helps someone…..
BE WELL!
http://www.rgj.com/article/200.....-treatment
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
Wow – no had not read that! Eeek – wonder how long till tests and treatment – could be a long way away. Wonder if antivirals might work then aciclovir?? that stops viruses replicating. That means I caught it – so it’s an std??? Maybe? Wow … still could be all those other things too and could just be a correlation – won’t get my hopes up too high just yet!
Thanks for sharing EB
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
To fellow sufferers please check out this site about the virus and put yourself on the map – the blog author is looking to see if there are any ‘hot spots’ in the world.
It looks like it is blood bourne and those affected are advised not to donate blood at this time. Already my memory has isolated the likely candidate for infection
Well that knocks all previous theories out of the water!
(Report abusive comment)
lostingrief says:
polly:
no bone scan. i friggin’ hate doctors.
: )
(Report abusive comment)
Stayingsane says:
Hi to Imfree
It’s very interesting what you say about the illness hiding out but not actually being dealt with, when “dealt with” by anti biotic.
I have had a mild chest infection which I fought for ages and then I said to hell and it went with anti biotics. I know for a fact it has gone back into hiding as it goes too quick. also it comes back as if deeper and down further as if it has been repressed, not dealt with at all. I sense it is actually an illness that feels in a strange way to be healing and linked to the experience with the P brain.
could it be it’s my identity, my true inner self thats undergoing a transformation from shallow to deep connection. That these illnesses are not in fact life threatening but life saving. Just a thought…my chest infection will be back, I get a rash on the skin, dry cough, sore throat and huge glands and temperature.
Hey this toxic poison had to go somewhere….better to be spewed out on the lovefraud blog than ending up as illness!!!
So on that note I’m giving myself permission to voice a message to the P brain for 2010 (please visualize me in a helicopter flying low outside his window) glass of champagne in one hand and hand grenade in other, I lightly toss it in his direction to land by his feet, he looks at me stunned, I shout loudly so he hears me clearly GO STRAIGHT TO HELL MORON!!!!
oh yes! that feels better…..for now
And maybe this fantasy is too violent for me. I have just watched DISTRICT 9…. what a movie.
I felt that adrenalin rush I had in my nightmares after the P experience nearly all the way through it…and the only way was to fight back all guns blazing and take the psychos out!
And I used to be such a nice woman……
(Report abusive comment)
7stepstoheaven says:
Pollyanna you said this:
“I am imposing boundaries with my own mother and holding my own when things come up that she doesn’t want to discuss now. I also point out to her when she invalidates me and that if I did that to her pain it would be world war three. Little steps and I am very careful not to exhaust myself by being too long in her company. I have to acknowledge though that her encounter with my father was very much like what I experienced with the P – lies, let downs, broken promises, emotional abuse etc. She didn’t have the tools to help herself though – there was no community like this back then. So she covered up the scars and kept on marching. The weird thing is, my process is helping her to look back at her own history and start pulling off the scabs to finally let the pus out.”
———————–
There have been times in my life when contact with my mother was so negative that I just had to take a break. My boundaries were non-existent with her – the second she complained about anything I would instantaneously have a cramp like a fist to the gut. If she had a problem and wanted me to solve it for her AND I SAID NO, she would rage at me and guilt me and I would get really upset, especially if there was no way I could do what she wanted. At the same time she can be very loving and kind and do nice things for people. I can now see alot of her behavior as PTSD and TRAUMA related. Thank god she has mellowed out since she retired, and since she is the only family member I can talk to she can be a comfort to me. I think she has finally learned that her rages are not going to get the best results!
The other thing is that, like you, my mother has information and knowledge I need for my recovery, and I know that getting these things out must be healing to her also. When I became disabled 10 years ago she finally began talking to me about the abuse she put up with from my P father and my P stepfather. This woman has been through some bad chit. Now that she has stopped inflicting her rage and pain on me I have a lot more compassion for what she has been through. She is also honest with me, and will talk about the horrific things both these men did to her. It helps us both get closure.
It’s funny because all the P’s I am trying to heal from were in my family in the past or present, not a romantic relationship. But my addictiveness to relationships that have sapped the life out of me causes a lot of the same problems. I KNOW that I have a tendency to be attracted to charismatic exciting P’s, and ordinary good guys are boring to me. Also I need to deal with the crippling anxiety I feel when a man is attractive to me – a post Kathleen says about the AGE of her emotions (that they are actually emotions coming back from when she was a child) is making sense to me – this anxious reaction is probably because my father was a terrifying person from the time I was an infant.
This makes sense to me now in a gut kind of way. Knowing things intellectually just doesn’t have the same effect as that flash of insight you feel in your gut. That level of anxiety makes no sense to you because it is the reaction a helpless child would feel, and not the reaction of an emotionally healthy adult.
I still have to watch my mom’s passive-aggressive behaviour with the rest of my sorry family – she tells them my business at times when they have no right to this information without talking to me. I will have to tell this to her AGAIN now that she is back from her visit with them. And I really do not want to hear about what a good time they had without me, since I used to be included in those good times. She can really be like a child sometimes – “Oh and then your sister made this delicious thing” Good grief I do not want to know. She just does not realize that this causes me pain, and that my family KNOWS they are causing me pain because I am left out. The deliberate cruelty is just unbelievable sometimes.
“I told X Y and Z that your roommate was stealing your pain meds.” Oh, great! Now that I realize that the fewer people know what I take the better. (Get a lock box for your pain meds, people! I did not for many months because I thought I was miscounting – I just could not believe that my roommate -who was very sympathetic about my grievous pain and suffering, was actually CAUSING a lot of my pain and suffering when I did not have enough meds until the end of the month – this has really caused much of my most recent meltdown because I thought I was in a safe place and had a FRIEND). Now her concern and friendliness are just PHONY to me and I don’t even want to speak to her. The bizarre thing about this to me is even though I know it is true beyond doubt she still fools me. It’s as if she still believes that we have a friendship and doesn’t even know what she is doing to me. Again, bizarre behavior I cannot understand. Oxy your posts about the piss tests were very enlightening to me – catheterizing a helpless infant to get clean urine for a drug test is just UNFATHOMABLE to me. Is this something that only a sociopath would do?
In spite of all these obstacles my mom and I are very much alike and like a lot of the same things, and enjoy time spent together. It is precious to me because I really believe that when she passes I will have no family anymore.
She said something to me recently that was very validating. In another post above I talk about my younger P sister manipulating and marginalizing me out of the family because she decided that I was an Alcoholic. It wasn’t true and it was actually a crazy thing for her to say, since she is the famiily member who is a recovered alcoholic and we certainly didn’t decide to SHUN her because of it! We were always very supportive and sympathetic to her. I now understand that she tested me over some time, telling me lies about things between her and my mom that I KNEW were lies at the time and just said nothing when she had these “heart to hearts” with me. I would listen, saying nothing, and not judging her but at the same time I didn’t AGREE with her and show her that she was pulling the wool over my eyes. At the time I just thought she was terribly misguided and hurt and possibly being manipulated and lied to by her own husband. I thought it was sad that she believed these lies. I thought when she comes to a point in her recovery she will understand that these things are not true, and that could take a long time. I certainly did not want to hurt her by pointing out her error in thinking these things – and INSTINCTIVELY I knew that it would be DANGEROUS to contradict her. How did I know that?
Now I understand that her rage and marginalization of my place in the family were the only way she had of controlling me, since I was not going to buy into the lies. I KNEW that this is what happened, but I still did not understand her behavior until I came here to the LF site and began truly understanding the reasons behind the crazy behavior and the seemingly counterproductive lies and manipulation. I will no longer expect her to suddenly become remorseful and sorry at treating her own sister this way. She was envious of the place I had in the family and my close relationship with my other sister. I can look back now and see it all happening when I think about conversations we have had and how she reacted to them.
It really is difficult to believe the cold hard truth about how these people operate. I did not want to believe it and I still loved my sister and felt that she just wasn’t ready to deal with her pain from the sexual abuse. I felt that her anger and bitterness toward my mom was because she was not able to deal directly with the fact that my stepfather was the person who did this terrible thing to her. Now I am starting to see that the abuse, control and manipulation that was done to her is how she learned to interact with the world.
I was having a conversation with my mom a few weeks ago, and my mom said “You know, when P-sister had a mental breakdown (age 19) and we checked her into the psych ward she told all of her doctors and counselors THAT I WAS A COCAINE ABUSER.”
BINGO!!!! When she is cornered she will use PROJECTION as a means of control and manipulation. My mom had worked in the hospital and medical community for many years and she told the truth and they believed her. Even though probably 20 years went by between her doing this to my mother and then doing it to me it was a huge lightbulb moment for me.
She was very cunning. Apparently she could see that I was not going to be subject to her control, but that my other sister was. I still find it hard to believe that my smart and educated sister could be taken in by such a ridiculously transparent manipulation. We had been through some very hard times as a family and ten years ago I believed that as we all became adults and dealt with all of our various traumas that we would become closer as a family, and leave the dysfunction behind. For a while that actually appeared to be the case. That was MY DREAM – that we had left behind all the bad people and the bad things that had hurt our family and we would find our truth and have a tighter bond because of it. Certainly we would take care of each other and treasure each other because our lives were now up to us to determine and we would not let any more bad things hold us back.
Boy, was I ever wrong. I am now sitting in the smoking hot ashes of a wasteland, wondering what the hell happened.
Without the honesty and the painful sharing that people do on this site I would still feel totally at a loss to understand just what was happening to my family. My sister’s behavior was COMPLETELY incomprehensible to me. Not any more.
LF is the only place where people understand the level of devastation and chaos these people inflict. AND the fact that it goes on for GENERATIONS. The way you look at the world completely changes, and you feel so alone and so vulnerable. You think that you are a competent adult who learned to deal with the world and now you completely lose faith in your ability to make decisions and protect yourself from the BAD people.
And your energy is gone and maybe even your health and well-being are gone and you feel so CYNICAL and JADED and feel that there are no people left to trust and if there were you wouldn’t know how to tell who they were anyway!
For me, the depression and helplessness are the absolute worst. When I get back in touch with the ANGER at least I regain my sense of self-interest and boundaries and the need for ACTION to get beyond this hell.
There was another blog about DRIVEN behavior that can be your worst enemy. That is my own worst enemy now, and I am beginning to see it very clearly. I want to kick myself because I get into this state where I do things that are self-destructive on many levels. It APPEARS to me that I am doing something empowering and rational at the time, but later I can see that it was only a pathetic and misguided attempt to exert some semblance of CONTROL over my life.
I just want you to know that I will be asking a lot of stupid questions that would appear to have obvious answers, because I do not understand what is true anymore. They are not rhetorical but are just my attempts to understand what people are really saying and what they really mean. I have always given people the benefit of the doubt and assumed they were being honest with me. i would make every excuse in the book for bad behavior. Now I feel like I must be the most easily manipulated boob on the planet.
(Report abusive comment)
7stepstoheaven says:
POLLYANNA I READ YOUR LIST OF SPECIALISTS AND LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!
Then Gemini’s “12 Healing Days of Christmas” really hit the mark.
Where oh where are my gift certificates PLEASE!!
I have been through the doctor and therapists and the herbs and the shamans and the bodywork etc. etc. etc.
And the thought of, like you said, having TO TELL THE STORY ALL OVER AGAIN just makes me want to stand outside naked while tearing my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs!
The neurologist got pissy with me because I hadn’t filled out all the paperwork yet and did not DRAW ON THE LITTLE FRONT AND BACK PEOPLE DIAGRAMS where my pain was. He had my MRI up on the computer screen, what more did he need?
Holy Crap! Did you think about, uh, maybe just ASKING ME???!!!
I told him that my physiatrist would do nerve blocks in his office without sedation, and I could drive there and drive home. This is to make the procedure COST LESS.
At this point the neurologist said to me – WELL IF YOU TRY TO DO THAT WE WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!
WTF??!!
At that moment I felt the complete futility of trying to explain 20 years of pain to this man. VERY bad day.
I had a very bad feeling when I initially started the paperwork and then came across AN ENTIRE PAGE saying how they would not could not ever ever a thousand times no NEVER EVER
prescibe pain meds for their patients because they were just a crutch and they would inhibit your healing blah blah blah.
Oh if these people could just be in my body for a day or a week or a year. I began to feel like I have no respect from these idiots. They are going to think the worst about you at first sight and your credibility is gone. It makes you think that your life has become one endless round of humiliation and shame.
Yikes! – I must keep repeating to myself:
“NEUROLOGISTS HAVE NO PEOPLE SKILLS”
“NEUROLOGISTS HAVE NO PEOPLE SKILLS”
“NEUROLOGISTS HAVE NO PEOPLE SKILLS”
And a partridge in a pear tree!
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
7 steps: “just makes me want to stand outside naked while tearing my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs!” And this is why they think WE are CRAZY! LOL
You knew when you read the sheet about the no meds. There are signs – but we need help so we put up with the constraints of the sytems.
I did a stand down with a doc recently, and the more we talk about chronic pain and devaluation of those in chronic pain, the prouder I am of my stance – NO, I would not do the anxiety evaluation if they do not work within a paradigm that includes multiple chemical sensitivity. NO, i will not go for an intake, they need to call me and I’ll have a chat on the phone. I am not taking time off of work and wasting my physical energy to go somewhere when I don’t know the paradigm before hand – no where else do we have to put up with such sh*t – even if you are buying furniture you can look the damn place up in the phone book or online, make a call and get some info, before driving to the f*cking store.
your dude, very N traits.
I think your neurologist’s ditty is actually, jingle bells:
“JINGLE BELLS, NEUROLOGISTS SMELL
A WAITING ROOM AWAY,
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE, THE ELEVATOR THE OTHER WAY!”
On a constructive note: I have written everything down – I just print the sheet and give it to them. I also got my history from my doc of 7 years when i moved – so i photo copy that and hand it to them.
My new doc – after 5 years with a ‘teaching clinic’ (which i meant i had to go over everything every time i went in, cause it was a new baby doc) I got a permanent doctor last year. the practice is integrated – whcihc means I have access to some services – like the cognitive therapist, and it is covered.
I know the new doc doesn’t BELIEVE in MCS – I don’t even mention fibro anymore – I don’t give them the opportunity to bait me – cause that’s what it’s like. I am a lesbian and I know not to give people the power with that either – SAME thing.
And its what i need to learn about S/N/P also – they are built differently by all accounts, so i need to know how they are built.
It’s about knowledge and integrating defensive and offensive tactics into our systems so that they can’t get to us. It took me about 15 years to be REALLY consistently good at it around orientation – but now i do have a template, that may be transferable.
I noticed that when I was writing to another of the spath’s dupes I didn’t write my feelings – and I really wanted to – but i didn’t – cause i don’t know her and i don’t have any reason to trust her yet. it feels weird, but right.
one step
(Report abusive comment)
imfree says:
HI, everybody, Where is everybody from? I’m in MIami, Fla.
We have lots of psychos here.
Staying sane the symptoms you are describing with your chest problem are all heat signs the rash, dry cough, sore throat, temp, you need some aloe vera juice, very little though, or you will be sitting on the toilet all day. I would say you are hot and angry, you need to cool off, it’s better for you. This aloe goes to the liver, and it’s good for detoxing
the mental and physical garbage that we get from them
I also daydream of putting a bomb in my p’s car, and watching her blow up, but it’s not worth it, Even though its a great fantasy, In time these psychos will get what they deserve and more, Karma is a bitch. I know the pain, and everything else leaves a great big mark on us, it really messes you up, and you feel like you are going crazy, I did, still do at times.
Antibiotics do mask and it goes in deeper, need to bring it out
and let go, one way I found that helps is by writing a goodbye
good ridence letter, and writing all those deep feelings, pain, anguish, all the crap crying, and then putting it in a box like a coffin, cremate it, and seal it gone..
Polly, send me the site if you can, I think you have fibromyalgia, you need a soft massage, I think that from your tongue, you don’t drink enough water, also check out the mushrooms.
(Report abusive comment)
7stepstoheaven says:
Dear onestep – Gotta go with what feels right, boy am I learning.
My problem is that I had the same docs for years and then I moved so I haven’t quite duplicated all the required services. I am really feeling stupid that I just did not go back to the rheumy who is my trusted doc to speak to him about the referral – he would certainly know about this idiot. I didn’t because I actually liked the guy who gave me a nerve block 6 months ago, he seemed very nice. I just was beginning to think that maybe surgery was needed for the bones pinching the nerves in my neck, which is not something a rheumy handles. Was I being proactive? Or driven?
It was the same practice but they gave me a different doc. I had a bad feeling when I went to the place because it was like a friggin factory. I so do not pay attention to my instincts sometimes. I was acting in a deficit of information, when I thought I had it figured out.
You know I have to remind myself that anyone else who is in the same amount of pain we are in daily would be a nervous wreck. PAIN CAUSES ANXIETY! Duh! It’s part of the flight or fight response. The rare days when I don’t have pain I am as calm as a cucumber.
Most people experience pain on a limited basis – it stops and starts or can be operated on or has some kind of shelf life.
When it is chronic and endless for years and years it affects everything.
I am learning not to expect normal behavior from people in abnormal situations. I hated the whole paternalistic chauvinistic attitude I got from that place! SADISTIC!
Ouch!
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
7 steps,
yah, those pain free mornings are like love. period. everything is just calmer, has more depth, silence and space.
I am in menopause – just bout. oh for gawd’s sake ISN”T IT OVER YET!??! and i am looking forward to taking up more space and just sayin, ‘nuh uh’ a WHOLE LOT.
pain that doesn’t abide regardless of what one does: today a short walk is good, tomorrow a long walk, then a short walk, then i can’t walk. It’s just cruel. Hard to plan, create a life. But i am getting better with it – but my pain levels have been MUCH better this year – ‘cept when the spath fake died, and this last couple of weeks as I am in the midst of dealing with the reality of the mess of my life that i wasn’t taking care of cause i was taking care of the evil twisty one (and winter).
so, I am going to go for a little walk now. me and my pain meds.
they don’t get out as much as they used to!
(Report abusive comment)
7stepstoheaven says:
Ha ha! I can see their tiny little leashes!
Not being able to plan things has been the worst – I truly have no idea how I will feel from one day to the next. Migraine? Achy? Exhausted? Maybe one, maybe two, maybe all three at the same time – watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
It sure puts a crimper on your social life. ! adnawoT
Had my nads completely yanked ten years ago. Yay! no more PMS and fetal-position pain in my gut!
(Report abusive comment)
free-at-last says:
Hi everyone, I am new here. Or at least new at posting a comment. I have been reading many of the postings here for about 2 months or so and feel like I know many of you. This seems like such a nice and supportive site. I am so grateful for finding it. It explains so many things that have been “wrong” with my ENTIRE life. It seems to me that the only type of people (mostly men) that I have been involved with were/are s/p or n’s.
I have always thought something must be seriously wrong with me to always have such messed up relationships. I am finally figuring out for the first time in my life that I have been attracted to or attracted these type of people because I am so “nice” and gullible.
My most recent one informed me he was leaving to go back home to another state on November 10. That is when I found this site. The same day he gave away my dog because he claimed I could not take care of it. It was his way of planning ahead you see. He convinced the man (his drug dealer) that I was crazy. Yes I was pretty hysterical, he was giving away an animal I loved very much to a drug dealer. They both ganged up on me and this drug dealer wouldn’t leave my house. I ended up calling the police who made him leave but I lost my beloved doggie.
Of course there is much more that happened in our on and off again 9 year relationship. Mostly me having to pay the bills. Being called all sorts of terrible names. Being lied to constantly. Having him always bad mouthing me to friends neighbors and any one who would listen. (I am crazy you see)
This giving away my dog in anticipation of him moving was just the last straw that opened my eyes. It was very strange though. This happened on on Nov. 10th. He didn’t actually leave until Nov. 23rd. That was 13 days of HELL. I was so frightened. Fear of Abandonment mostly. It was like the deer caught in the headlights feeling that some of you talk about. I have never felt so frozen in my life and never really knew what that saying meant until then. But after it was done, I felt such a burden lifted off of me. That is how I picked my name.
Thanks to all of you. You have helped open my eyes to things that have released me from a lifetime of pain and misery. And, you weren’t even aware of it. I am guessing there are many silent watchers out there just like me that you are helping in addition to yourselves.
Hugs to you all!!!!!
(Report abusive comment)
Spirit40 says:
Wooo hooo Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NC….. NC … A New Year of NC!!!!!!!!
To New beginnings and blessings hugs to all!
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Happy New Year to All Love fraud peeps – oldtimers – newbies- and those who have came and went. I went out to dinner with two classy ladies – had suchi – that was a first and last – went to see a movie ‘Avatar’ by myself – drove home at midnite and could see the fire works on the horison under the blue moon Dont’ miss that evil bastard at all~~!!!! woo hoo..nope not one little itty bitty teeny weeny bit – it’s gonna be a good year – a new year
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
Well this New Year is starting off strange. I just went around the block to get coffee at QuickChek and my ex Sociopath was there…alone…which means he is not with the OW he left me for. We split May 08 and I saw him with the OW once since then and was able to look him straight in the eye..and her too with no problem. I walked into QuickChek and looked him dead on and said “Hi” and then proceeded to get my things and leave. Empowering. My subconscious was saying “I know who you are Satan and you have no power over me!”
To think I allowed the devil control me and my life for almost 2 years and ruin me financially, emotionally and spiritually and he did it in the name of God…the Bible says the woman is to obey the husband, etc. etc. He didn’t want me to cut my hair, work out, have friends or a job around men. He wanted me to wear shirts that were long enough to cover my buttocks so no men could look at it. My shirts were to be buttoned up to the neck…it was horrible. I lost who I was. All the time, he had another source for financial support and another abode with another woman. I tapped out of money and he went to her. Sorry for the re-cap but I wish I could forget.
I also heard through the grapevine he shops at the grocery store alone now too. Probably looking for his next victim. Ugh.
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
Henry,
My sister saw Avatar and liked it. I will go see it too…probably by myself. I figure why wait for someone to ask. I was trying to get back with the nice guy I dated for 8 months but I think I blew it as of Sunday. I am wasn’t getting any emotion or warmth when I saw him last…he came by the day before Christmas Eve and gave me a gift….video games in a paper bag. They were not wrapped either. I gave him an expensive GPS system for his motorcycle. He didn’t take his coat or glasses off..had to run to his sisters to put together a skiball machine. Sunday I texted and expressed what I was feeling…like I was trying to get back together but he doesn’t seem to want a real relationship and I missed that with him. I wrote New Years should be spent with that special someone and was just wondering what was up with him and the short visit and that I am confused. Of course I got no response. So, I am letting it go. I don’t think I did anything wrong asking what’s up….this guy can’t express where he wants to go with our relationship…friends? Buds? Don’t know so I asked. Oh well.
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
Henry,
My sister saw Avatar and liked it. I will go see it too…probably by myself. I figure why wait for someone to ask. I was trying to get back with the nice guy I dated for 8 months but I think I blew it as of Sunday. I am wasn’t getting any emotion or warmth when I saw him last…he came by the day before Christmas Eve and gave me a gift….video games in a paper bag. They were not wrapped either. I gave him an expensive GPS system for his motorcycle. He didn’t take his coat or glasses off..had to run to his sisters to put together a skiball machine. Sunday I texted and expressed what I was feeling…like I was trying to get back together but he doesn’t seem to want a real relationship and I missed that with him. I wrote New Years should be spent with that special someone and was just wondering what was up with him and the short visit and that I am confused. Of course I got no response. So, I am letting it go. I don’t think I did anything wrong asking what’s up….this guy can’t express where he wants to go with our relationship…friends? Buds? Don’t know so I asked. Oh well.
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
Henry,
My sister saw Avatar and liked it. I will go see it too…probably by myself. I figure why wait for someone to ask. I was trying to get back with the nice guy I dated for 8 months but I think I blew it as of Sunday. I am wasn’t getting any emotion or warmth when I saw him last…he came by the day before Christmas Eve and gave me a gift….video games in a paper bag. They were not wrapped either. I gave him an expensive GPS system for his motorcycle. He didn’t take his coat or glasses off..had to run to his sisters to put together a skiball machine. Sunday I texted and expressed what I was feeling…like I was trying to get back together but he doesn’t seem to want a real relationship and I missed that with him. I wrote New Years should be spent with that special someone and was just wondering what was up with him and the short visit and that I am confused. Of course I got no response. So, I am letting it go. I don’t think I did anything wrong asking what’s up….this guy can’t express where he wants to go with our relationship…friends? Buds? Don’t know so I asked. Oh well.
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
I think my problem is that I give too much. I don’t want to do that anymore. Maybe it’s good this guy doesn’t want to have a boyfriend girlfriend thing with me…seems like I’ll be short-changed again.
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
What the heck is wrong with my computer? It posted my writings 3x?
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Iwonder – Yep sounds like he is not that into you. Dont beat yourself up about it. Iwonder I have decided not too worry about the boyfriend / girlfriend thing – just go to that movie by yourself and you will be in good company…happy new year
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
Henry – The day after Christmas we talked and he wanted me to get a dirt bike to go riding with him in the Spring..and he wanted to see a movie “after the holidays” but that is not what I want. I want to experience the present. One time he said we would hit a movie and he didn’t even call or show up…just a text that evening saying he stayed in bed all day. This is not acceptable or good enough. It can’t be a one-way street. I think I will write off dating for awhile.
I will see Avatar Sunday..the theatre will be too packed tomorrow.
Well, at least you have weiner dogs to snuggle with! LOL! Hey, remember that guy Indigo from FL last year? He was a hoot.
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
I love my weiners!!! and I still talk with Indigo he is doing fine. Avatar was fabulous… dont ever settle for less than what you want – being single for a few years wont kill us wonder…
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
Henry – Thanks for the support. I don’t want to settle. I got confused with this one because he was happy…he said the best thing about our relationship was that he didn’t settle. 8 months later he felt suffocated and overwhelmed when I asked to give a little more. I hadn’t seen him for 10 days and it bothered me so I spoke up….that’s when he broke up with me. I don’t know…something’s wrong but it isn’t anything I did.
I’m so looking forward to this year.
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
sounds like he has comitment issues.. He was getting what he wanted until you asked for more , then he ran – hmm sound familiar? At least you werent devastated about it. The more I know about myself the more I realize I am ok just the way I am. Not going to change for nobody or try to change anybody, relationships are just to difficult, for me anyway. Not saying I dont have one eye open at all times tho, but just being realistic so I can get on with living and loving….
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
and breathing….
(Report abusive comment)
Iwonder says:
Yeah..and maturity. He lives at home with parents approaching 40 years old.
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Oh My – Red flag~!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Freeatlast:
Welcome, welcome……and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I’m glad you chose this name…….you sound empowered.
It’s a ride, and i’m sure you have ‘gathered’ this from your reading the posts and articles…..
But….REMAIN STRONG, StAy true to yourself and decide where your going and get going!
The life journey has twists and turns…..but without a toxic person in your life……the ups and downs are way minimized!
Stick around and thanks for your posting!
XXOO
EB
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear freeatlast,
Glad you are here at LF, and glad you have been reading. I suggest you keep on readingk all the old archives and learn as much as you can about them, but after a while I think if you are like most.many anyway of us that it no longer is about thenm but about healing ourselves and making ourselves less vulnerable to their tricks.
Keep on learning because that is what makes us stronger, KNOWLEDGE=POWER, GETTING OUR POWER BCK! God bless you.
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
Hey EB, how is Holly doing?
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Killer is good….
And so is Holly…..the alter ego….
She loves the kids and is as happy as a pig in shit.
She terrorized my coffee in my car tonight…..ooopppsss, can’t leave this stuff around!
I need to be trained!
She’s sleeping right here in my office, next to my chair….she’s definately wants to be around.
She will do the rotating bed sleep thing….kids want to share her……
Kids are gone tonight…..so I get to cuddle her….all night….
It’ll be the first time I have company in my bed since I separated!
Doesn’t seem interested in running off….in the least….
I love to see the joy in the kids eyes and the bounce in all their steps!
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
EB, this is great!
I sooo wish my allergies hadn’t gone haywire; I’d love to have another animal. I was at two friend’s houses tonight – dog in one and dog had been in the other and i am paying for it now.
(Report abusive comment)
Stayingsane says:
ImFree
Thanks for that simple yet spot on diagnosis! I’m going to struggle down to the chemist tomorrow and get aloe vera juice! I have an aloe vera plant beside me…I had already noticed two of the fronds or whatever you call them withered at the base and were ready to fall. inside these 2 long prongs was lots of aloe vera juice which I instinctively applied to the rash. Its died down. Yes I’m angry and it’s all pushed down because I’m a law abiding citizen and not the Kill Bill type…so cooling down is the cure? the heat is sickening, cant wait for the aloe juice now…I have given up alcohol for 2010! that was like throwing fuel on a fire. Great to have your expertise on the site. Thanks so much! Yes these psycho experiences are horrific on the mind body connection…I was very open to the the P because he lied his way into my heart and dumped a load of crap there. ..crap i’m now responsible for dealing with while he goes off, sweet talks another human sweet being and dumps another load on her. Heartless isn’t the word…
I got a New Year text message from the P’s sister saying life is short…forgive easily…never regret this and that blah blah blah….ooooooh the cheek of her. I didn’t answer but the anger burns inside…I want nothing to do with the family. Nothing. I think I will write the hate mail and cremate it today..I hate bringing this toxic plume into 2010 but it’s not cleared. Not by a long shot and there are days I think it will actually kill me dead.
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
Gemini – that is awesome! The 12 gifts you get from a Spath! I posted over you lol
I think if we can manage to talk back with previous generations in our own families of origin we will always find common threads of women suffering with men like this – whether they are diagnosed or not, whether they have all the symptoms or not. And we can use this to build and mend bridges and to seek strength and greater understanding of one another. We have to have these conversations – 7 steps you nailed it when you said you had to talk with your mother because you need information for your healing. I do too – there are many things I don’t recall and I have a need to situate everything in context. Every decision and action is made by a person who has particular experiences and feels particular ways about themselves because of those experiences. It’s huge!
Anger is one emotion that moves us out of the ennui of depression and helplessness, but another is compassion and compassion is our natural state – that is why we were targetted. Compassion from understanding makes the heart expansive and fills every recess of the being with love and warmth. I went through big angry phases and still visit there from time to time, but I’d rather get back to my natural state – a little wiser this time around about who I feel and practice compassion towards!
And above all 7 steps – first and foremost …. you need to have compassion for yourself. You need to forgive yourself and recognise that you were a big hearted person who had nothing but the best of intentions in supporting the Spath – that’s a beautiful thing in the world of today – don’t get rid of it! Have compassion for the beauty in you that hoped for a better tomorrow, that bore all things, believed all things, dreamed all things and loved all things – there is so much good in you to recognise again.
And I know it is so hard when you are in constant pain. Weep for the woman in you who gave everything even when every fiber of her being ached and she could have easily given up – recognise what you did. It wasn’t dumb – it was beautiful. It was just given to someone who didn’t deserve it – we live and we learn. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water – there’s heaps of good stuff in you to preserve. And yes some things will need to be adjusted in light of what you know now – but you’re not alone in that journey – we’re all walking that road and we can figure it out together as we go along. There are no dumb questions – if you don’t have the courage to ask what you consider a dumb question then how will anyone else??
I have days when I feel really dumb too – when I could literally kick my own ass! We need to try giving ourself some of the compassion we gave to others – we desperately need it after this experience.
Hugs to you – you’re getting some tremendous insight happening into your family, your history and yourself – be gentle on yourself at this time – this thinking is taxing and painful at times. Have some chocolate and a nice bath!
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
7 steps – you know people have committed suicide from this pain??? There are several videos on youtube left by devastated family members … I was reading on a message board for CFS the other day (which is now believed to be one and the same as FMS) and there was a heartbreaking post from a woman who said ‘How much longer till we get some help? I have booked and paid for assisted suicide in Switzerland in March because I can’t go on anymore.’ Just devastating.
I was thinking about condensing my med records and pain levels into a rap that I could just put on cd for passing out to them. Now you’re gonna have to imagine Eminem …
“In 2003 I went to a physio
She was useless but she gave me a massage
In 2004 I went to the osteo
I went for a year
But the cash was too costeo (I know it’s a stretch!)
Now I want some relief
from the pain I am feeling
My back is a mess
and my stomach is reeling
I’m itchy and tired and depressed
cause my life is a mess
and you guys are just useless
I’m about to get fuseless
So stop with the sugar pills,
the breathing and huge bills
I don’t want to make drama yall
Just give me some Tramadol”
WORD ! ( sorry – it’s crap but I hope you got a giggle) Fully understand your frustrations – mine are exactly the same. I hope you find someone good and get a basketload of pain relief and post us something wonderful to report you’re floating on a cloud and the pain is gone
Hugs!
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
Free at last – I was in a relationship of that length too – I am so sorry you lost your beloved pet – that must really hurt you – what a nasty thing to do to you. I hope you find comfort and healing at this site – the community has helped me more than I can say
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
I’m free – thanks for the reminder about water! I definitely don’t drink enough – I will get back onto it.
Thankyou for your interest in this – not all people are open minded enough to look at this approach!
(Report abusive comment)
free-at-last says:
Thank you polly for seeing how cruel that was. The weird thing is that he has 12 I REPEAT 12 cats. And, anywhere from 5 to 15 kittens at a time. They are all inbred, have mites, under nourished, and worms. But, I can’t take care of a dog?????
He just didn’t want me to have the dog because he knew I loved him.
(Report abusive comment)
becoming says:
Kathleen, I hope your book is published soon as I want to take it to bed and keep it under my pillow as I don’t find my laptop nearly as comforting as I would a book full of all this wonderful, wonderful advice. ; ) Thanks for all your posts. They are my medicine.
(Report abusive comment)
free-at-last says:
Yes OXY, I get your point. I find my self going round and round thinking about him. And then, I try and refocus on myself. About 15 years ago I was told I was co-dependent and I scoffed at the idea. Now I realize that YES I AM CO-DEPENDENT! I spend all my time trying to get happiness from someone else instead of getting happiness from within. It has been a long long long road. But when the light bulb finally turned on it was like a sun lit up my whole world. I never ever thought there was any hope for me. All of you here have no idea how much you have helped me from just reading the posts for the last 2 months.
I am at the very threshold of a new beginning for my life.
Very strange what turning 50 can do to a person hey????
(Report abusive comment)
free-at-last says:
Sorry to keep going on and on. But when he was on the phone to his drug dealer telling him to come get my dog, I told him if he did that I would call the humane shelter and report him for having too many cats. Our state only allows 6 I think. Plus they are all sick and they would be taken away. One even has a scab that hasn’t healed in at least 6 months. The only thing was, I couldn’t follow through with it. They probably would all been euthinized (sorry about the spelling). That is when I realized there was truly a difference between him and I. He has no conscious or empathy towards others. No remorse. I had suspected it but I still thought that being a P meant Ted Bundy type.
(Report abusive comment)
free-at-last says:
To henry and I wonder and everyone else:
Did you all know you can watch movies for free at
movie25.com ?
I watched avatar a couple of days ago.
(Report abusive comment)
becoming says:
Hi free-at-last. Don’t apologise about going on and on. It’s what helps, getting it all out there.
I thought P meant serial killer too, until I met a man who is ‘sub’criminal’ but has left a trail of broken lives and nothing he can be convicted for. Girlfriend’s suicide attempts, rape … but nothing that can be proved. It’s terrifying to be near someone who really, truly doesn’t care enough not to break another life. I didn’t know I would ever meet such evil.
Think I’m co-dependent too. I must be a love addict to still be so concerned with what someone like that thinks of me. He called me a horrible, ugly, personal name at one point and it hurts me still, despite my knowing what he’s done to others. They know how to get us addicted, with their grooming and their seduction techniques. Anyone without good self-esteem would get taken in by it. Along with the probable brainwashing/NLP techniques.
I’m truly sorry about your dog, I can imagine how much that must hurt. (((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
Free at last – that is horrible behaviour with animals but I understand your concern about them being put to sleep – can you find a shelter that doesn’t support euthanasia?
I’m a sucker for cats from way back!
You really are at the threshold of a new life – so glad you can see that. It’s so much better away from them and their craziness – to your good health and continued recovery! Fifty will be a wonderful year for you!
PS – I think you can get the dog back too – if it’s gone to a drug dealer then you may have some leverage – Oxy and Matt please give your strategies and you too new Holly mama EB! Much love to you – that was a damn cruel thing to do to you – what he knew would hit you in the guts – what a pig.
(Report abusive comment)
free-at-last says:
Yes becoming! I thought I was just imagining things. OR being paranoid. I remember several times he told me told me explicitly “I don’t care”. I thought he meant it as most of us do when we say that. He really truly meant he didn’t care.
I really hated it when he would be on the phone not 5 feet from me telling other people what a b#%^ and c^%* I was. It was terrible. I am not sure why that upset me more than when he said it directly to me but it did. IT made me feel like I was crazy. They believed him. That it was me when it was really him. INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!
Boy oh boy. When I decide to participate on this website I really go at it don’t I??
(Report abusive comment)
free-at-last says:
polly he has moved to another state. I am afraid of retaliation from him. He would know it was me who turned him in. I don’t know. Maybe I am a chicken but I am truly afraid of what he would do if I reported him.
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Free at Last – Your not chicken. Your smart. Dont antagonize the devil..just be thankfulk he is in another state…these people are dangerous – no contact…
(Report abusive comment)