Give yourself the gift of trusting yourself
PDF It’s the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves?
This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth.
When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our lives. Axioms by which we lived turned out to be flawed: No, not everyone can be saved by our love. Yes, when some people say, “I love you,” they’re lying. No, not everyone is good deep down inside. Yes, evil exists.
The turmoil can leave us feeling like we’re drifting without an anchor.
I’d like to suggest that this year, we give ourselves the gift of a new anchor, a new axiom. And what is the gift? Trusting ourselves.
Most of us knew on some level, early in the involvement with the sociopath, that something was wrong. The sociopath’s stories didn’t add up, the behavior seemed odd, the emotions didn’t match the words. But we doubted ourselves. We let the sociopath explain away our queries, or convince us that we were paranoid.
Then, as the entanglement progressed, we started to lose ourselves. Perhaps the sociopath told us we were insane. Perhaps it was easier not to argue. Eventually our lives no longer seemed to be ours.
Well, we’ve learned the hard way that we were right all along. So let’s not berate ourselves for not heeding our instincts. Let’s take it as proof that our instincts work.
We may have to start slowly, by consciously asking ourselves, “What do I want to do now? What is right for me in this situation?” But as we release the anxiety of the sociopathic relationship and listen to ourselves, we’ll find that we have the answers.
This year, let’s give ourselves the gift of trusting and believing in our own good. We can do it. We can emerge from this experience with hard-won wisdom, and move forward to create a happy and fulfilling life.
The Lovefraud authors will be taking a break for the holidays, and will resume posting after the New Year. We wish all of you a healthy, safe and Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, blessed solstice, or whatever you celebrate, and a wonderful New Year!
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Stayingsane says:
OxDrover
I have that image indelibly etched in my mind of you driving in the snow with your children in the back seat praying while you were cussin….such an adventure for the kids! 1983 and here is the snow again…keep safe, and keep P free
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justabouthealed says:
Here’s a nice companion piece to this blog.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.u.....tionships/
I love the writing that woman does!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i am cleaning house – vacuuming and such, cause someone may be coming over to view the room I have for rent.
and i am paying attnetion to the dialogue in my head. it isn’t kind. speaks to how defective i feel, how much conflict is in my life and how much i feel i have to hide the conflict.
i feel shamed. ashamed. because of how tied up i am with the expereince of being spathed; because i am fighting the bully landlord; and can’t pay my bills – and have to let certain accounts go into ‘eviction/ cut off’ before service agency will help – so i have my second eviction notice and my utilities are in arrears – i go on tuesday to see if i can get help with the rent and utilities. the landlord thing will take months to resolve – which is about the smoking issue, and that ….oh, blah, blah…let’s just say that their is lots of strife and conflict.
and i am embarassed.
and work – i have not been a productive employee for almost three months now. and it is going to be apparent really soon – this week. I will try ti mitigate the damage, but it is going to show. and i just can’t keep up the facade….it is causing SO much stress. this is the fall out from the spath. bless her diseased evil little heart.
okay, i am what i am, and things are as they are – doesn’t mean i am less worhty. i have just been in a lot of trouble. i keep thinking people will smell it on me and run. and things will get worse.
and i need a new roommate, a new job, etc. i am not in a position to ‘coast’. this is NOT a good cycle of thinking. So if anyone has dealt with this – and has some ideas of how to break this thinking I would like a shout out.
one step is worthy.
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Spirit40 says:
One-Step , your not alone, in a similar situation a month ago, I found a place, a new job and and s/path/narc … free… yes it is not easy, but do not beat yourself too much we are only human and we are good people, when others who take advantage of us leaving us to clean up the mess they helped create … I am speaking of my ex S/P/Narc…. he sat on his Ass while I paid the rent/bills etc supported 3 people and when the cops escorted him out he choose to intimidate me Oh you gonna be OK …
yeah f–ker now that your gone, I did what I had to do and I put a roof over our heads without anyones help just myself! You are stronger than you imagine, it is easier said than done but picture yourself in a better place even if you need to ask for help, it sucks that in order to get help you must be destitute like in a shelter or on the streets… but its beauracracy right red tape bull crap….. do not be embarrassed if we start off from humble beginnings with help we can pull ourselves up… be honest you say you cant keep up the facade…. you dont have too just let go and be you and know that others have survived similar situations and you will too! I hope it helps.. I do know it sucks to be worried about bills (since we are normal we worry) and keeping a roof over your head… I remember telling my friend about being evicted she said hey look at jewel she lived in her VAN… it was not what I wanted to hear but I think she meant hey if she is JEWEL and she is who she is now … the humbler we are the better we will be in the future! hope that helps! Hugs !!!one step!! I am asking the universe in my thoughts for all good things to come your way! xoxoxo Hugs !
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one_step_at_a_time says:
thanks spirit…and man, do I wish i had a van!
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Spirit40 says:
LOL…. I hear ya! It would be nice… also it would be nice(not) for a second to not have feelings like guilt, shame, embarrassment huh its easy for those spaths….. no remorse.. no concern of other peoples FEELINGS! callousness … no depth or character… integrity
Better to be without Logic than without Feelings….(quotes off my refrigerator) What a clean feeling it is to accept and own my life and not beat myself up for the mistakes I have made!
Procrastination is a form of self abuse…
Did you ever notice what excellent drivers women are?(some men too) that end was my two cents LOL
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one_step_at_a_time says:
spirit: this is NICE!
‘What a clean feeling it is to accept and own my life and not beat myself up for the mistakes I have made! ‘
I want the clean feeling back.
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Spirit40 says:
Just keep saying it over and over to yourself and imagine(envision) that clean feeling! Get it back!!! you can do it !
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pollyannanomore says:
One Step – I used to also worry people could smell the failure on me lol Don’t stress about it – they can’t! They have no idea what we have been through at all. Having some good company around will help you heal faster as you start to see that although not everyone has been through an SPN relationship, but everyone has their secret pains and shame to bear. You will realise this experience has not damaged you in the ways you might think.
I listened to a NLP recording a while ago about negative internal self talk that we often have. He recommended a very simple strategy to halt it immediately and at first I laughed about it but when I tried it I was amazed to find it seriously works.
Here it is then … whenever you have a negative self beating thought come up or a stream of them you just say to yourself (or out loud if nobody else is around lol)
“Shut the f**** up!”
It really works – simple but effective. I wish you a great flatmate who turns out to be a great friend. I wish you a reliable and sturdy person who will meet their obligations without fail and be a light for you in showing you all the good parts of your character and personality that everyone else can see but you cannot. I wish you coffees at 1 in the morning and deep and meaningful discussions as you cook meals together. Watch some comedy moments on Youtube for light relief and try to focus on the good stuff – we can only stay in analysis of the darkness for so long then we need breaks
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pollyannanomore says:
Hey – this site might give you a giggle …
http://www.lamebook.com/category/wtfights/page/9
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Polly: LOVE the complex NLP exercise!!! LOL. I do make SOME headway with, ‘STOP….but it doesn’t always work. I’ll give ‘shut the fuck up’ a try.
thank you for this incantation, this spell of good wishes and wisdom.
head bowed and smiling,
one step.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
thanka Polly – this one had me laughing aloud the other night:
cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
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one_step_at_a_time says:
( i used to cook professionally and my best friends here are in pastry)
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pollyannanomore says:
Oh I LOVE that site – cake wrecks – it makes me soooo hungry though! I have heaps of respect for those who can pull off more than one! Could this possibly be a way to make you some money? Not necessarily wedding cakes, but what about birthday ones and other special occasions … or could you teach others? Might be worth thinking about some more … people are really into those cookie bouquet classes and cupcake decoration. You might also like Craft Fail – it’s hilarious and so much up my alley. I always take on stupid projects and make a hash of them so I am glad to see there are others like me out there!
That phrase should be repeated over and over till the thoughts stop – like a mantra really! He has some amazing things – wish I was rich and could buy more of his cds.
Glad to see you’re having a laugh One Step – looks like telling the lousy thoughts to eff off worked!
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recovering says:
To my virtual support group at Lovefraud:
For the New Year, here’s something with plain feel-good stuff — just a simple video with joyful high-schoolers jamming to Hall and Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True”
http://www.youtube.com/Shorewood Lip Dub
Enjoyable!
Best wishes to all for ongoing healing and making your dreams come true in 2010.
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OxDrover says:
Hey, Gang, I have made some chocolate cakes that looked like FROSTED COW PIES, does that count as a “cake-wreck?”
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Stargazer says:
What a coincidence. I am craving chocolate cake. I’d eat the frosted cow pies! I’m guessing you cooked them in your skillet!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Oxdrover: Cake wrecks has a WHOLE section of ‘pooh’; cow pies would be the best!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Pollyannanomore: THANK-YOU for using your entrepreneurial mind for my benefit!
I am NOT a pastry person, and if my hands were okay to do that sort of stuff, I’d still have my own business.
You reminded me though – when i was still cooking I was looking at ways to divirsify; one of our local grocery stores has a cooking kitchen that they rent out for classes and i had a couple i wanted to teach to kids. This was fist on my list – and maybe someday i’ll get to do it: http://people.tribe.net/toto/b.....3c17a689e3
(as a diehard cat lover, I would, however have to pull back a bit on the tootsie rolls – i mean, that’s just GROSS!! LOL)
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pollyannanomore says:
Oh I wish we had a closed forum where we could safely share pictures and things – Oxy I would love to see your cow cakes … and I bet they taste fantastic!
One Step – that is gross! I take it the ‘poos’ are tootsie rolls – I remember them from the Shirley Temple song On the Good Ship Lollipop
What are they? We don’t get them here yet they’re famous around the world. A kids cooking class would be very cool and I bet you’d have a lot of takers! I have often wondered about cooking classes for men too – there are literally thousands who find when getting divorced they can’t feed themselves. I bet it would be popular – just basic good and simple foods. Have a think … something good is going to come up for you – I feel it in the air 
My book just arrived in the mail Stalking the SOul and it looks amazing – so I might just have to have a little read:)
Hugs to you all – hope the sun is shining where you are
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OxDrover says:
Dear Star,
Of course, I cook EVERYTHING IN MY SKILLET! Is there anything else to cook in? LOL
Actually I made 6 Amish Friendship bread loaves tonight. I should have baked them yesterday but didn’t so did it today. A day or so one way or the other usually doesn’t make any troble. There are TONs of variations on the net for doing different things with the batter and I’ve done some cool things with it too. I put home made apple sauce in mine today, pecans and rasins. Broke one of my glass bread pans, so had to use a ROUND pyrex dish, but it worked out okay and they all came out well.
Son C was supposed to pick up his fire department equipment to return tonight at the monthly meeting since he has moved out of the district, said he would call D and have him meet him with the stuff at the gate. We gathered up all kinds of his stuff that he had overlooked or forgotten besides the “turn out” gear and had it ready to go, and Ii was going to send a couple of the cakes to the guys at the station, (I am retired from the volunteer fire department–13 years) but NO CALL, NO SHOW on C’s part, so guess his stuff can sit here until he decides to come get it, or I get tired of looking at it and throw his stuff out and return the turn out gear to the Chief— I’m not going to call C and beg him to come get it, or worry about why he didn’t show up.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Pollyanm: tootsie rolls are little choco toffee logs – but made cheaply. melt well in the micro.
I can’t do this sort of thing right now – hands are a no go – can’t life my own pots right now – but maybe some day.
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libelle says:
Dear all, my favourite recipe for Cookies are the “Brutti ma buoni”, “Uglies but Goodies”!
http://www.foodnetwork.com/rec.....index.html
Very easily done, and quickly gone. Enjoy!
PS I told my boss about my resignation and my new plans yesterday, and I can tell from the reaction who likes me and who does not. VERY INTERESTING! Most seem to be very glad for me that I can really leap into a very bright future. (The long time coworkers who did not get it about the horrible carnivorating in our mini-team of 5 people.)
Also my boss could not help by being feigning of being glad! He wanted me to be out, and here we are. Three months early, unfortunately for him. But as my sister and I told each other last week end: the threshold of tolerable pain is always determined by us!
The secretary who was especially nasty said frankly well I will be slimey nice to you from now on because I want to be invited to the opening! I said jokingly Too late, no use, as I know you by now! (hopefully she did not notice that deep inside it was NOT jokingly at all!)
The head nurse who deliberately closed the restroom and took the key so I could not go there anymore (and all the staff of the department, including 3 consultants and 4 doctors and 12 nurses and aides! had to beg for the loo key); well she was the first to tell me the “good news she heard officially from the CEO secretary” (as I had to resign not to my boss but the CEO!) and the “marvellous future” I was going to have.
They all had no clue, and she just was nice to bring me to tell HER about my plans. I did not!
And there are the very few ones who KNOW about it all, and sincerely and quietly congratulate and wish me well, and we do not need lots of conversation about it. It just feels very nice!
I was asked last year by one of the highest respected leaders of my field, who is a long term friend who knows me pretty well and with whom I have already worked in the past. I am going to a VERY nice place, being MY OWN BOSS, we are building our own offices according to our own plans. I get along very well with his whole family, then I have worked in the area before and will have friends being already there, and I am not TOO far away from my family. Hooray!
Maybe without the whole experience I would not have the courage to say Yes to this once in a lifetime offer, so in hindsight I must be glad for all the awful things that sharpened my inner S to have a stand for what I want and have the guts to GO FOR IT. Become a Dolphin! Thanks Kathleen!
The snake (me) came out from under the rock!
I feel like Gary Cooper at the very last scene from “High noon” when he is smashing the Sherrif’s star into dust, reaching out for Grace Kelly and walking slowly off as everybody is crawling out of their holes.
For the rest, three months to go still. I will be as before, business as usual, grey rock and potted plant!
Thanks to all of you, LF-gang, without you I surely would not have seen the whole picture, the manure that lies in MY Sh*t!
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ErinBrock says:
Libelle:
It’s good to hear you sound so positive!
It’ll continue to be an eye opener….until the huge bash on your last day….HAHAHA!!!!
You struck when YOU needed to…..and now you can go back and watch the legs go by you from underneath that rock…..and remember…..you MAY need to strick again, so keep that venom replenished.
YOU HAVE THEM ALL BY THE BALLS!!!!! Watch the jelousy rage…….
your in a good postition and I’m glad you can feel the power you have created out of a bad work environment.
CONGRATULATIONS GIRL!!!!!
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geminigirl says:
Have you heard the saying,Libelle,
“When you have them by the balls, the heart and mind must surely follow!”
You go girl!!
Love, Gem/XX
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ErinBrock says:
Speaking of having someone by the balls….
Well….
I found out the S #2 (business relationship) had “personal property” in a shop in town for repair….
So….guess where you’ll find EB tomorrow……going to court tomorrow to file an emergency motion to ‘seize’ the property….to go against payment of the judgement….
Not sure if I will have the shop owner (as she volunteered) tell S#2 to come pick up his property, wait until the s is walking out door and have sheriff serve him papers for the hearing I require AND sieze property on the judgement…..
This guys’ a slick dick! I’ll tell ya…..
He called me over the weekend and left a threatening message to stay out of his business and Im getting my attorney (a ‘word he uses frequently) to sue your ass, I’m gonna get you……..
YA…dude PAY ME!!!!!
If you paid me…..you’d never have any problem….BUT GUESS WHAT……I AIN”T GOING AWAY…..
And your attorney threats DON”T scare me!!!!
He’s a con, a car thief, a deadbeat dad, a scam artist, a check fraud, a lier, a perpetrator, and a total scumbag…..that I will continue to expose until my judgement is settled!!!!
It’s a small town fucker….and their AIN”T ROOM FOR THE BOTH OF US!!!!!!
Too bad you ain’t got no money to leave town….cuz the cops/courts and ME are on to ya!!!!
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pollyannanomore says:
They sound yummy! You must have amazing skills if you can professionally do this – guess it’s a bit like riding a bike
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i have an ongoing parallel discussion to my posting on lf, with a good friend – the ONLY one who has made space for my processing of this whole spath affair.
in the last day she has wanted me to ‘meet someone’ she met online. the more we talk about what i want the more she brings a differing point of view – in this way the conversation itself is really two parallel monologues- not really a dialogue at this point. it was and will be.
my latest email to her:
K,
‘I really don’t think you are getting what i am saying.
there is NO PROBLEM, SHE HAS NOT DAMAGED MY ABILITY TO TRUST – SHE HAS MADE ME AWARE THAT MY TRUST MECHANISM NEEDS RETOOLING. GOT IT?!
I too have *trusted* my own perceptions. i have been wrong. and more than once. remember g? and there are many others in my past. wrong wrong wrong. KNOWING THIS IS POWER. GOT IT?
this is a long healthy healing journey i am undertaking. i do not need to sail the good ship stupid into the dating stream. i wanna build a safe skiff and find life.’
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