LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Trying to expose the sociopath made matters worse for me
PDF Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we’ll refer to as “Tanya.”
I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we’ll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.
Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.
We were off and on for a few months — the usual drama of dating a pure sociopath took its toll right away. He did very scary things early on, like drink and drive, show up at my door in the middle of the night, call a dozen times a night, etc. etc. In the alcoholic daze that is your typical business school culture, his behavior didn’t stand out as much as it might in real life but it really should have at the time.
Finally we broke it off completely. Then one night I got a call from him — he was in Brazil on holiday (he lived there for a few years before coming to Business School) — and he was calling to tell me that he was engaged to a girl he’d met there. He put her on the phone so that she could be reassured that he was no longer involved with me. I thought it was crazy, but in my own attempts to CONTROL the crazy (always the first mistake), I took it upon myself to tell his friends at school about the call. I framed it like “Congratulate Dave! He tells me he’s engaged!” He was furious with me when he came back and his friends no doubt thought I was insane.
Later, his “fiance” called me a few times trying to find him. I “googled” her name on my computer— again in an attempt to control the crazy — and found that he had been emailing her from my computer during the time we were dating. Then I found emails he had sent to a sex tourism site called Club Hombre. Over the previous two or three years, he had posted HUNDREDS of emails to this site, explaining his sexual exploits with prostitutes all over the world. His “fiance” was a prostitute. On the boards, he talked a lot about having unprotected sex with prostitutes in Rio and Turkey (both high HIV areas).
I was so petrified. I went to the school clinic and explained my situation. The nurse told me that I had a one in thirty two chance of having HIV and I had to wait a week for test results to come back (thankfully, negative). During that week I went to my school counselor (a 27 year old kid new on the job) and tried to explain my situation. I brought in print-outs of the postings Dave had made to the sex site, and a note from the clinic explaining the risks he had exposed me to. I wanted to somehow get this guy on record before he put other women in our school at risk, even if it meant humiliating myself. The counselor was skeptical. He asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order and I said “no”. I thought that would only make things worse.
As per procedure, he had to bring Dave in as well. When he asked Dave if HE wanted to file a restraining order, Dave said “yes”! So, as a reward for my efforts to work within the system, I got a restraining order filed against ME for harassing DAVE. One of the worst days of my life.
That was three years ago, and I still definitely bear the scars of the experience. I try to put the details out of my mind and, even as I read this, I can’t believe it happened.
I do my best to not fault myself for getting involved in the first place. As so many others on your site have said, I was behaving normally in an abnormal situation. What I DO fault myself for is trying to CONTROL the crazy. Every time I tried to control it and expose him, I only made things worse for myself. The true trauma wasn’t the stuff that happened between me and him, but the stuff that happened when I tried to expose him to others. It was so awful to see how easily sociopaths can bend the system to their will. Before then, I believed I lived in a just, fair world and that I could trust the system to protect me when I needed it. After Dave, I know now that I have to protect MYSELF.
When I’m philosophical about it, I just think that it’s only human to want to believe that we live in an ordered, just world. We want to believe it so much that we ignore the disorder and unfairness RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, and this blind spot is where the sociopath functions. I’m so thankful that I emerged with much less damage than some others. I only wish that there was a way to constructively deal with this — to raise awareness about sociopathy in the same way that people raise awareness about cancer or drug abuse.
Thank you again for your site — it was cathartic to share my story.
written by Lovefraud Reader • Permalink •
ErinBrock says:
Yes….I’m also NOT fond of her….and I think she’s become a real biatch to her guests and attacks them even.
Beyond prosecuter….just BIATCH.
They must get a nice paycheck to put up with her belittleing.
But …..I do like her guessts and some of the info…..
I hate how sher show runs the same tapes over and over and over adnaseum. She could run so much more news if she didn’t go on ‘replay’ as if it was the first time shown.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Gem,.
Stephen King made a good living making up Psychopathic stories—-but no one believed’em.
If we tried to write our stories as truth, few people would believe them unless they’d experienced a P before they read the story.
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kim frederick says:
EB, agreed. I got hooked on her during the Casey Anthony spathisode, and never wanted to miss the newest information, and have been watching most nights, ever since…but yeah, I think it’s part of her persona to be ugly to people, and I’m sure they are paid very well.
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hens says:
if i wrote a book about my life with my mother it would read like a stephen king novel – she is locked up in a rest home for the mentally challenged – i lived in fear of her until she was an invalid – how sad.
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kim frederick says:
Stephen King makes money because people can relate to evil if it’s cloaked in horror and fantasy, but they can’t relate to it in the real world.
I think that’s where stories like Rosemary’s baby come from…no one wants to believe this species exists here among us in real life…so it gets mythologized. That way it is both revealed and concealed simultaneously. By turning these experiences into fiction we nullify them, making the story less threatening.
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kim frederick says:
I’m sorry, hens. That is sad.
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ErinBrock says:
Kimmie:
“no one wants to believe this species exists here among us in real life…so it gets mythologized. That way it is both revealed and concealed simultaneously. By turning these experiences into fiction we nullify them, making the story less threatening. ”
What a brilliant statement!!!
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Ox Drover says:
Well I personally gave birth to “Rosemary’s baby” and I think Henry must be my nephew, because his egg donor I think is the daughter of the devil himself, making her a sister to my P son!
Kimmie, the happy part of Henry’s life now is that his egg donor is locked up and can’t get out to hurt him!
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kim frederick says:
Thanks, EB.
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NeverAgain33 says:
Tanya,
I can totally relate. When I confronted my sociopath ex about some concerns I had for my safety, he turned things around on me, claiming he was the one who was scared of me and that he’d been carrying his handgun with him to defend himself! Thankfully, the police believed me and wanted to file an order of protection and investigate him further by contacting his former employers (supposedly the U.S. government and large biotech companies) but I thought that would only give him reason to come after me.
The way they turn things around is mind blowing, and the fact that it’s so difficult to get people to believe us is incredibly frustrating!
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Truthspeak says:
Kim Frederick, the parallel between fictional horror and real-life horror is difficult for most people to process. Over the last 2 weeks, I’ve been experiencing more of the consequences of having been married to the exspath, and I don’t want to go into the long list, right now. Suffice it to say that my son was extremely upset and was questioning how a person could get away with the things that the expath did and continues to do. I looked at him and said, “I’m not the first person that’s experienced this, and I won’t be the last, either. This is ‘true-life-horror’ and I want you to remember this. ‘True-life-horror’ means that someone is suffering through no fault of their own, and there isn’t any remedy or justice.”
NeverAgain33, I’m right with you. The exspath committed a Federal offense and he’s not going to face a single consequence as a result of his actions! He filed a restraining order against me because I lit out after him when it was confirmed that he had sustained a violent deviant lifestyle with at least one other person (and, quite likely in group gatherings) – something that I am NOT proud of and will never do, again. HE is looking like a “victim” ‘of domestic violence and abuse because he worked the whole thing out to unfold that way. Nevermind that he took tens of thousands from me, etc.!
What I think that we need to come to grips with is that these types of people PLAN their scams, abuse, and discard either down to the tiniest detail, or by general design. They CHOOSE victims who will be trusting, self-depricating, agreeable, and supportive, and they USE them to whatever ends that they wish, and THEY discard their victims as if they were soiled bathroom tissue. Once we can accept the simple facts that they NEVER loved us, that they are incapable of FEELING love, remorse, or any sense of responsibility, I believe that the No Contact is easier to accomplish and we can begin feeling the righteous anger that is part of the healing process.
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bellaangel says:
Most know my story…..married a Spath and in 10 months he conned a female Pastor into believing everything he said that I was supposedly “doing” was happening, so he was painting me crazy while “loving” me to my face. Through the Pastor he has successfully cut me from my family friends and Church. When i tried to expose him….I did look crazy when I was trying to explain he drugged me and other things to accomplish this. To my face he would laugh and say “I am going to have you committed” and to others he would cry and say how much he loved me, and how he was so worried about me….but that I was broken from way back”. So evil!!
Well….I hadn’t been to any church in 2 years, and have had no contact with anyone I love except 2 sisters from out of town who came while this was happening and watched it unfold while they cared for me for 1 month………so I went to a Church 1 hours away from this because I knew the Pastor. I tried to tell him what had happened a little, but that I just needed to start a new life. He asked me to attend church that Sunday and the ladies group the following Friday night. It was the first contact I have had other than going to work and counceling in 2 years. It felt so healing…….then I got a call at 9:00 p.m. on a friday night! It was my Pastor friend, and he told me I could not attend their Church or womens group anymnore.That he had contacted this female Pastor,and that I had to go make it right with this Pastor that is completely under the control of the Spath. That he would not even meet me to discuss it in detail until I had gone to counseling!!
It has gotten so much worse for me since I tried to confront the Spath, and the Pastor who bought into his charm and tears. Then to try to say in this community that a Pastor made a mistake….. has disfellowshipped me in the Christian community as I am labeled a rebel, crazy, and unwilling to submit to authority for trying to tell what really happened….. Because I was drugged and he was cryng and manipulating and controlling the situation.
So back to alone…….except my LF friends. This is a horror story that not even Stephen King could have thought up!
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Truthspeak says:
Bellaangel, my most sincere healing blessings to you.
I have found that organized religious groups are one of the BEST trolling grounds for spaths outside of the internet. I have seen great support from these groups during times of loss and grief, and I have also seen these same groups turn their backs on people like us who are in dire need and disdain the Truth as crazy-talk and attempts to smear a “Good Christian.”
Our need to find community and engage in healing can really cloud what’s most pragmatic for us, at the time. Perhaps, if there is no support group available in your area, you could START one with your counselor’s guidance.
Whatever happens from this point on, it’s going to be under your own power, Bellaangel. This is about you and your healing path, NOT what a bunch of other people dictate to be appropriate or acceptable. You are valuable and precious in this Universe, and never forget it!
HUGS
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skylar says:
Bella, I’m so sorry this happened to you again.
There are two common elements in each of your stories: You and a church pastor. Since you can’t eliminate the “You” in the story, you need to eliminate the “church” part. Somehow, the church has become your stumbling block.
I know that church is part of your life and important to you, but I think that, FOR NOW, you should find other groups of people to be with who are NOT connected to any churches. The only safe place for you to tell your story is here, at LF, and in therapy. Because everyone else just seems to think it’s drama. They don’t understand the work of the P’s beneath it.
So please, find a therapist who understands about P’s, if you can and then find a group of nice atheists to hang with. Who knows, your Christianity might rub off on them.
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kim frederick says:
My x husband was a navy recruiter for the first five yeaars of our marriage. Everyone knew him as “Fred”. One night, twenty-three years ago, I dreamed I was in a park on a spring day, with flowers blooming and children with balloons…all was just wonderful…everyone of my senses was delighted…beautiful, beautiful day. Then, suddenly, and with no warning, everything changed. It became dark and forboding…I was really scared of something. Then, I realized there was a stranger beside me, and he was dressed in my husbands dress whites. This became lucid…I knew I was dreaming, and struggled to wake up. Finally, I did. I lay awake for a while, but eventually fell asleep again, only to repeat the entire good dream to night mare scenario.
I was, at that time taking a “dream interpretation” course through my University, so this dream became gist for my mill.
I was still in the denial stage of my journey, but that denial was coming to an abrupt end. I was becoming more and more aaware that my husband was cheating, and doing it in such a way that I could no longer deny it. I was also trying to understand what happened to my super hero, who loved me so much. How could he become this cold indifferent jerk who seemed absolutely removed from any consern he should have had, about how he was hurting me.
I realized that the night before I had the dream, we had watched a “Nightmare on Elm Street” movie. (totally out of charactor for me, I don’t usually like horror.) The whole ppremise of the movieis that if a particular monstrous man aappears in your dreams, he will become a reality. I realized that this monstrous man was named Freddy Kruger. Then with a mounting sense of dread realized the names simularity to my husbands…he was, “Fred the recruiter.” Goose flesh.
What was so interesting was how I woke up out of a nightmare, only to be lulled back in, by the beautifull spring day scenario. This is all so symbolic, but in reality it encoded everytrhing that was happening to me in my life at that time. My Psych professor who taught the dream interp class was always saying that a dream was the breakthrough into consciousness, of anything that was previously, unconscious.
This dream made me aware that the nightmare was real.
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kim frederick says:
I agree with Skylar, Bella. Stay away from both churches. NC both pastors. You have a direct link to the source, anyway. Say your prayers, and continue in your faith, but get the devil behind thee….so to speak. They are hinderences on your healing path.
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darwinsmom says:
Bella,
I agree with Sky’s advice. Don’t be too worried about not finding spiritual satisfaction with agnostics and atheists – values, support, and spiritual experience can be found both in religious as well as non-believers, and can be discussed. As long as you don’t get into a debate about the existence of God, most will understand spiritual feelings (they just use different explanations and vocabulary). What atheists and agnostics dislike the most is some person being a spiritual authority over others, that is organized church. But personal development, finding meaning in life experience, destiny, loss, humanistic values, philosophy, and mental and spiritual techniques are key and questions and experiences all normal people have and struggle with, whatever their theistic beliefs are.
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slimone says:
Bella,
I am sorry for your loss of church. But for now, as other’s have urged, letting go may be the best strategy. Many of us have been left with the decision to go NC with our ‘community’, be it spiritual or otherwise. I did.
What I can say is that I found other ways to feed my soul, once I let go and created the space for new people and experiences to fill. Not to say I didn’t have periods of intense grief over leaving my old community….but that grief was transformed, over time, and the new experiences and people have taken my heart and spirit to new and wonderful places.
(((hugs))), Slim
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bellaangel says:
I agree with you all, ….. love and hugs, and your words are truth.
My motivation originally was not to attend “church” ….I had hoped that someone could help me,someone who knows me….. by exposing the Spath and the female Pastor, and through it regain my relationship with my kids. She told my kids not to have anything to do with me until I put myself under her…and my kids won’t meet with me without her there….and she is controlled by the Spath so therefore I have lived without my kids for 2 years. That’s the only reason I attempted this in the first place, as I thought, maybe, my friend would allow me to share what had happened in a safe place, and help me. I thought if I brought it in the light she would be exposed along with him. WRONG! the SPath controls everything even from 2 states away. She and all my loved ones are on his facebook….and he thought of everything.
She literally blocked me from every person without ONE time asking me what the truth was, or telling me what he was saying in secret to her! How can anyone have so much power?? Even in the world’s system you get an opportunity to defend youself, and are not guilty until proven. But in this Church system all the Spath had to do was lie,cry, deny and manipulate a Pastor. I will never forget the first time he got her to believe him over me (before I knew what his intent was) and he kept saying over and over, all night “she believed ME!” (like in your face….i was confused over his reaction ,untill now) He also would say he “had her summed up in 10 mins.” (in other words how to manipulate her).
Unbelievable….i literally walked on eggshells to be everything he could possible need, and he was ….behind my back….. painting me as a psycho while he did teen porn and masqueraded as a leader. I never even was a “B” to him! I just gave and gave…….laying my life down for my husband.
So no, I won’t be going that way again…..it is obvious if you have a difference of opinion you are not allowed to question the judgement of the Pastor or you are locked out of the church system and judged a heretic (which is nothing short of an occult.) This female Pastor has so much title and position, and if you looked at her facebook account is literally has 100 pictures or HER! So is beautiful and obviously narcicistic. I am thankful that my faith is in my heart, and I do not need a Church or pastor to be connected to it.
Just always looking for away to expose him,and try to regain my children that he has brainwashed and lied to. This door was slammed closed, so I will continue to pray, and take it out of my hands. There is literally nothing else I can try.
) Hugs!
Hugs to you all……. and thank you. You have no idea what a help it is when you post something and others take the time to respond ( well….maybe you do
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kim frederick says:
Bella, have you googled “religious abuse” or “spiritual abuse”? You might find some of the articles helpful or insightful. There is a wealth of them on line.
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Aeosp says:
Hi there. Sorry to hear of your troubles. It sounds as if your ex spath has found an ally. I wonder if they are able to seek each other out and join forces when needs be, almost as if there is a hidden war going on. I hope that as we gain more information and the internet allows it to be found by more people, then we can fight on equal terms by arming our selves and our children with knowledge. Truly it is good vs evil.
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bellaangel says:
Exposing the Spath is impossible when they are protected by a Pastor….and a church system. Then the Pastor uses her power of influence over your children….soley based on the Spath who read her and used her as a pawn for ambient abuse. Now, he bows out to go find his next victim and has the Pastor to continue to place HIS influence over every area of my life. He convinced her that “I always played the victim” when we never even had a disagreement…….everything was being done by him covertly……so that now when I TRY to expose him/her….it is said “I am playing the victim.” No….i am not, I just want their influence and lies out of my family and to do that I wanted one opportunity to explain what really happened…….
Unblelievable. Seriously unbelievable that people think they can have this kind of power over another, and not even treat you as a human being in God’s name.!!?
…..I will sit alone the mother of 4 this Easter, and it will be my 3rd one since this awful day in 2010….While they get together … Not playing the victim here, it is just the truth.
All attempts to expose the Spath have ONLY worked against me. All attempts to get other churches to look into what this Pastor has done has only caused me to be shut out further….. I can’t believe it, but live it everyday. The PTSD and the trauma.
I am not the first one he has done this too…..but by drugging me, I am the first one he succeeded in doing THIS too.
So I will end with……any attempts to expose a Spath will not ever work in your favor if they are experienced!!!
It’s more like ‘Check Mate’ and there is no where to move, once they have you where they want you……
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darwinsmom says:
Bella,
please read Mel’s article of today. It might give you some inspiration.
I’m really really sorry for what your ex and this pastor have done, ever since I first read your story of them alienating your children away from you. You sound beaten down. But I wonder sometimes if you ever feel indignation towards this pastor over it, or do you feel more victimized? You were victimized of course. There’s no denying that.
But your story permeats with this feeling of victimization and of trying to be accepted by the environment as a victim.
Unfortunately, I think we’ve all eperienced that it rarely gets a good response, nor does it empower us or makes us feel better. When we act and portray ourselves as victims when we actually are victims, it doesn’t evoke pity, but makes people think we’re weak, untrustworthy and easy to bully or push aside.
I think it IS of the UTMOST importance to you that you find a way to see yourself not just as a victim, but as a person who has all their faculties and own it for yourself. It is of the UTMOST importance to return to your center, so you can get back in touch with your inner power.
When you get back in touch with your inner power, you THEORETICALLY have the ability to look that pastor straight in the eye and calmly and friendly tell her that what she did and does to you is wrong and she needs to read the bible a hundred times more in silent contemplation and wondering how Jezus would judge her actions, before considering leading another congregation. In my mind’s eye you would then just turn around and walk away with your bags packed and leave her standing in the dust, gaping at you, because you don’t care anymore about her or the community that goes along with her, except for what you belief to be right and wrong.
(I’m not saying you should do exactly that, but find ways in your life to find that inner strength in you so that in theory you would be able to do that)
Bella, what I’m trying to say is that it is NOT check mate, not unless you give up on YOURSELF. You’re not dead. You live and your children live too. Believe in yourself! Believe that you have an inner moral compass and how that moral compass is what can make you SO STRONG it automatically leaves all bullies gaping at you in the leftover dust.
My atheist wish for you is that you can find that wealth of inner strength in you!
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skylar says:
Bella,
Darwinsmom is exactly right.
What I have learned throughout all this ordeal is that we suffer because we played their game. it’s not checkmate if you aren’t playing chess. That’s why I say, “get up and walk away from the sandbox”
Sometimes it’s hard to do. You had invested so much time and energy into it. But I think that when you do, you leave the kiddies behind – and yes that includes your own children – and move on to real human beings who welcome you into a world of compassionate adults who don’t play with your emotions.
It’s not about who is the victim and who is the winner if you refuse to participate. Remember, the spath’s entire mission was to make you feel bad. But he can’t do that if you own your perspective and refuse to feel bad.
Once you do this, you might find that your children see you with new eyes and they’ll come to you.
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darwinsmom says:
I’m lying in bed and I keep thinking about what I tried to tell you, Bella, and compare it with a story of present seasonal importance that may resonate with you.
I’m sorry if the following is blasphemous to Christians, but I was thinking about the symbolism of the passover story of Jezus and how it could empower you!
Before Jezus arrived in Jerusalem, he was a man telling people not to judge other, not to throw the first stone. Then he arrrived at the holy city and the temple (the holiest of the holiest in his eyes) and was shocked to see what the spaths (the Pharisees who were in power) did to it, he was indignified (it’s a feeling of anger, but based on moral compass, not narcistic feelings) over it. He showed his indignation, acting against it, and made the spaths his enemies. At first he thought he could make a difference that way, or that he could use the axe to cut off the dead wood, only to learn that he was to be martyred, like a willing lamb brought to the slaughter… the ultimate spath (Pilate) condemned him to the cross. So political and religious powerheads victimized and tortured him, and the mob (the followers, the fence sitters, the congregation) piled up some more torture and rejection with their booing and thorn crown. And this “good, righteous” person was martyred and nailed to the cross, rejected by power and the people. Even his some of his supporters dissociated from him, not wanting the rabble to know they were his friends.
Did Jezus feel victimized and martyred? He sure did, because in the moment of deepest despair he felt it was check-mate too and asked his god why he had forsaken him. He felt alone, abandoned, utterly rejected, even by those he counted on. Even if he had gone willingly, believing it to be a plan, the pain of victimization was utterly real to him.
The magic symbolism in the story lies not in the martyrdom, but in what followed after… it lies in the resurrection, for me symbolically similar to the rebirth of a phoenix. He came back to himself, to his faith in what was right. He found his strength back, his center, and in doing so, he became something bigger than he was before he was victimized. And before long he gained more followers than anyone else could ever had dreamed off. What were the Pharisees, Pilate and the mob to him after he found his true inner strength? And after his resurrection, the finding of his center, his new view of the world, he got a seat next to his father and gained the right and duty to judge people’s hearts and souls. He gained the ability, power and right to send those away from his environment (heaven) who he cannot stomach (to hell).
Again, I’m sorry if I offend anyone by using this bible story, but I think, Bella, that as a Christian you might gain self-empowerment out of it. You were tortured by the spath, judged and condemned by the pastor, and rejected by the congregation. Even your own children whom you counted on for support dissociated from you. You sought help elsewhere, but like Pilate, they’re telling you to disown the truth, bow your head and play along in the charade. And you feel as if nailed to a cross and martyred. It’s time to step off and resurrect, Bella, and join in the seat of judging the good people from the bad ones, and removing the bad ones out of your life.
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skylar says:
*Skylar stands up and applauds*
Very nice Darwinsmom.
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bellaangel says:
…thank you I will receive this from you both. I said checkmate because he was planning this when I had no clue. I have been victimized as I am the 4th one he has done this too….but I do not want to stay a victim. I have built a business, gotten 20,000 out of debt the spath left me in and held a job down despite the losses and dealing with the ptsd……and have stood my ground knowing who i am, despite what he has tried to do….i do not sit around crying all the time.
I am indignant over it, but in wanting to walk this out in a correct manner,,,,i was looking for ways that I could CONFRONT the Pastor and deal with it. when you are unable to deal with it in the manner that my heart would want, which is in a way as darwinsmom said….you become frustrated!
I have used the blog to get the toxic feelings out,and when you do not talk to anyone on a daily basis about it, I am still piecing together HOW I could have let this happen. I am trying to learn how to regain my power when I am not allowed to confront this head on.
I do believe and pray and trust and hope and walk this out every other minute of the day…. looking and praying for beauty to come from the ashes and life to come from the death… I let it go into the Lords hands, but look for ways in how I can take this evil on, as I am not afraid of it….. or of confronting them.
i was sharing the frustration of what can happen when your trying to expose the spath makes things worse.
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Ox Drover says:
Bella, I wish there was a way that you could get your family to see the truth…it is painful when those that you love disavow you, devalue you….think you are lying.
But it also says something that maybe we dont’ want to hear or see about those we love (in your case and in my case our children) and that is maybe they are not the kind of people we wish they were, that they were raised to be. It hurts me that my son C (who is not a psychopath) but he is not the kind of man I want as a friend…he is not the kind of man I wish he was. He stood by while the rest of the family tried to drive me from my home. What kind of a “loving” son does that to his mother? Not the kind of man I want as a friend, regardless of the DNA connection.
Sure, admitting this, seeing this was painful…incredibly painful, but accepting it has set me free from that pain. I realize I can’t change the way he is. I also can’t change the way the ministers I dealt with think either…though one of those is under charges for pedophilia himself…but the other one, the one who reminds me of the Pharisees, he wil lnever believe anything except that I am “crazy.” But that’s okay, I now the truth. He does not have the authority to judge me, ,but I can SEE the fruit that falls at the foot of his “tree.” It is rotten.
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bellaangel says:
Yep Oxy… . These ministers should have been used as instruments of grace,love and healing but were no different than the Pharisees were in Jesus time,but I know not all ministers are this way…. but each night instead I turn them over to God and am learning to trust he will vindicate the situation in His way, and in His time since all my attempts have been blocked.Since I tried to confront and can’t it is a greater test to lay down what I would want to do, and TRuST! I realize it may not be until heaven, or He may instrument something as His way are Higher than our ways….but He knows.
…..as far as my children go, I know their hearts. They were raised to love, trust and believe the best in people. I fell for his mask, so I cannot give up on them yet. The spath let me see his mask fall,to hurt me more…but they have not seen that yet. Just as most who come to this site did not know about spaths until their experience with them….his mask has not fallen in front of them, YET. I am waiting and praying for them to return from the snare the enemy set. With that said, I am having to accept their actions and it hurts. I expected more as a Mom,but they have been deeply hurt and their worlds have been rocked. I hope I don’t have to walk your pain through as it is unbelievable what you have endured.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Bella,
I too hope tht your children “see the light” and realize what has happened and that they truly CARE. How a child is “raised” isn’t always how they turn out.
Jesus said that there would be “wolves in sheep’s clothing” come into his flock…and unfortunately he was RIGHT in that matter (as in all matters) and way too many “churches” are lead by the modern day equivalent of the Pharisees. People wiithout consciences.
It may take you a while to find a congregation that you are comfortable in and that will believe your story…or it may come to a point where you no longer have to “tell” your story, but can VALIDATE IT YOURSELF. God bless. (((hugs)))
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bellaangel says:
I think I am sensitive tonight….. I tried to only share how exposing him has only hurt the situation. I really do not want to play the victim, and if sharing my story makes me sound like that then I learned something today. I completely understand what happened to me and I do validate myself…I KNOW what happened.
My world revolved around my family-and to say to just move on, and walk away is not even in my understanding YET. That does not mean I am looking to stay a victim,or be defined in my environment as one. There has been so many things to grasp, learn. let go of, deal with and grieve… I will get there,and with the help of the LF community I DO want to see a different perspective on things, and ideas of how to walk out of this place.
I have been able to be NC for over a year. I have a smile on my face everyday at work…and no one knows what I am walking through. It is only here and in counseling that I am trying to process all the deep feelings of betrayal ,shock, sadness and unbelief and find a new, better and stronger me…..than who I was before the spath.
i liked myself and who i was, and was very happy and fulfilled before….. so to find a new me, without those I love is unchartered territory.
Just wanted to share how in my attempt to expose the spath caused a church to call me and tell me I could not attend there…. It was a trigger, and it sent me in a tail spin and worked against me. I should have left it alone as I was doing so much better. Lesson learned: leave it alone and don;t even try to bring t light what the Pastor/Spath have done. I only suffer when I do. I am getting centered, and could care less what any Pastor or Church like this thinks about me.
Thank you for caring and responding to my entries…..I do appreciate it. Dont give up on me, I plan to be a strong and whole woman in the future after the Spath…I was defined as Mom and Grandma, now….I need to find a new identity. Been a big day as I went to trauma support group …so nite.
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Ox Drover says:
Bella, I think we all were “defined” as X, Y or Z and now that we have had the S/P ENCOUNTER the definitions have changed. I also lost my family, my position in the community…and it is “re-defining” ourselves without those things. GOOD POINT!
Give up on you? Never! I hope you won’t give up on me either. That’s what LF is all about…we hold on to each other kind of like two one-legged men, and as long as we hold on, we can stand upright! The support we get here helps us to stand, but in order to stand we must support someone else.
I’ve finally about reached the place (most of the time) that I could care less…then there are other times I WANT so badly that someone believe my story, but every time I have tried to relate it and be believed, I have been disbelieved and devalued again….so, no more. People here believe. So this is where I will talk about it, but not other places. I’m glad you are here Bella! God bless.
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kim frederick says:
I’m feeling deflated tonight. It was very slow at woek, the last two nights, so the tips were sparse. Then, to t has cut twop it off, my drawer was short by 15 dollars. Management is fighting against giving overtime, and because the shift I work gets busy in the last hour, and I am the only server, I do all the side work. It usually keeps me an extra half hour. So, boss lady has cut the first wo hours from my shift today, and those two hours are realitively steady hours when I couls have made at least twenty dollars. It was a split shift, in which I shared a til with someone else….not happy tonight.
I went to work triggered. I don’t know why I
m so caught up in the past….reliving the hurt of my ancient marriage. I never thought I would end up this way.
I am ok though. I know rhings will get better, and I am on the right track. Just having a job, is a beginning. I’m just tired, and I’ve had a couple of bad days. I let a stranger in my till. Shame on me. I learned a lesson. When will it become second nature to maintain my boundries?
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ErinBrock says:
Kimmie,
Boundaries take constant practice.
I use my gut as a reminder…….
I just told a friend today…..that Another friend really let ‘me have it’ yesterday about my reaction and paralyzation yesterday. She was kind, and caring……but frank and right on the money….it was still hard to hear.
She was right!
I told this other friend that when I feel myself getting defenisive…..I step back….and see WHY am I feeling like defensive….and it’s usually because it’s something I need to hear and take heed!
I think you did learn a valuable lesson tonight.
And for that……thank god it only cost you $15.00.
Take it and speak up about it next time.
You tend to your own money….and how dare mgmt expect anyone to share a till.
Use your voice.
I have been learning that I don’t believe there is an ‘end point’ in healing. Things come out of nowhere……feelings, triggers, processing…….
Learn to take it as it comes.
The jr’s and I were VERY taken back on Sunday night with our trigger and response to it. It was physical, great fear, knee buckling terror.
At 1:30am someone pounded on our door. (Sunday eve. Jr ran into spath daddy-0 at the grocery in town….he’s here) When the door pounded we were convinced it was him! Who the hell else would it be???
It was the police.
They had a call of a domestic disturbance.
They searched our house…..at my approval…..and left. It had to be a very strange situation for them……
Jr’s and I immediatley thought it was the spath messing with us and went into anger mode.
We were up until 4:30 agonizeing over it……
it wrecked our Monday…..we were comatose and anxiety ridden….
How can he have that much power over us……so many years later?
Well……it means we have more to learn, process and guide ourselves on.
This is what your doing………don’t beat yourself up.
Your in a new situation…..and your processing ‘how’ you got ‘here’.
Time is the healer……but there is something in your day which is bringing you back to what you need to process……go with it.
You’ll move past this one also.
It’s okay Kimmie…….
I’s OKAY!!!!!
XXOO
tomorrow will be a new day…..
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skylar says:
Hi Kim,
sorry to hear about your problems at work.
EB’s right, boundaries are a must. We have to practice them.
I’m having a hard time myself tonight. Been thinking about all the spaths in my life. It brings in so much pain to think about it.
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Louise says:
skylar:
So sorry you are feeling pain. Me, too. The feelings seem to be back again…they come and go…we all know this is true.
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libelle says:
Seems to be the time of reappearance of our very personal judasses, as in EB’s reappearing 3D-nightmare. And the time of seeing who is a friend and who is not, sigh.
The “Atheist”-view (very deeply felt spiritually, me thinks) of you Darwin’s mom is very calming and reassuring. If HE was in despair and doubt, we all are also allowed to have those feelings, too. And we are also allowed to feel the elation when we are finally to rise above the turmoil. Specially in this very week before Easter, thank you for this very timely entry.
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darwinsmom says:
Bella,
You are not “playing” the victim. You WERE the victim, and you hurt a lot over it. Of course, you must share your story. Sharing your hurt is a necessary part of your healing. I know you try to be strong, trying to make a new life. I just could read how much you are hurting still over it, how much this is still part of the present for you exactly because of that extreme hurt you feel over the loss of everyone you loved. Emotions don’t know past, present and future. When you hurt now, then the causes of it belong to your present emotionally. I just hope I could give you something to look forward too, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. How you get there cannot be timed or predicted. For me I found my light by starting Flylady’s routine program, by doing small creative projects, by having the idea of a new apartment to move into and furnish as I would wish, and by straining my brain to comprehend abstract subjects in physics. Nothing of it had to do with work, love or partners or contacting a community… but they all were the things I needed to do to mentally and physically heal. It gave me insights from sideways that enabled me to forgive myself and slowly but surely made me stronger to deal with life in the present and carve out a future for myself again and a gratefulness of this new world-view. In the process I noticed that I somehow developed a better way to protect my boundaries, and every time it happens I feel more empowered. For me the spath belongs to my past and the past cannot hurt me anymore. What his sister/cousin used as words to manipulate me last week (that I was the ideal, mature partner for him in her eyes and the eyes of his late father; to delete his exposing profile out of friendship for her) were words that not even came close to touch me. It were things I needed and wanted to hear a year ago, but it means nothing to me anymore. I didn’t get here because I told myself ‘move on’, but because I did what felt good and right to me to heal myself… I listened to my needs and gut.
What sky said is true about how your children may one day appraise you in a different light… I wasn’t busy with making a different impression on people in my environment (work related). I actually kept most private, just did what was required and no more, no less, and I made no complaints… and people just started to respond differently to me… before, they had seemed to lose faith in me, and it’s the other way around now. Doors I believed closed are opening up slowly out of their own accord.
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darwinsmom says:
thank you libelle. The passover story, especially the resurrection part, now has a symbolical relevant meaning for me that it lacked before.
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Truthspeak says:
Bellaangel, I’ve been thinking about you, your situation, and this weekend upcoming. This time of year is supposed to be about renewal – the hope that Spring brings good planting, healthy livestock, and bountiful fruit. It’s no surprise that “Easter” was set for this time of year: Hope in Renewal and Rebirth.
For me, I desperately need rebirth from the horrors of Truth. I need to take all of these experiences, all of the shame, all of the despair, all of the anxiety, and the rest of the collateral carnage and put it all into perspective. While I may not have a physical building or group of people to explore this rebirth and renewal process with, I CAN set myself in the sunshine (or, rain) and contemplate how to begin this renewal as a stronger, wiser person.
Whomever Is In Charge Of The Universe doesn’t strike people down, nor do they punish. Everything that I have experienced has been as a result of human choices and actions. What I take away with me from all of this is what matters. My blessings are many – I found LoveFraud when I was meant to back in 2009. I began to “get it” and the experiences that I was emerging from during that time were in preparation for the Big Reveal. No, the knowledge that I had absorbed did NOT make it any easier with one exception: I had the ability to call it what it was.
Bellaangel, this weekend, pack up a lunch and a blanket and go find an open field or an orchard, somewhere. No cell phone, no iPad, no nothing but you, yourself, and outside. Take that time to yourself – to either cry or rant/rave to the open air, or to count yourself lucky to have survived. Whatever comes to your mind, let it go and go with it. Then, think about how precious and valuable you are to the Universe. What you are experiencing with the Church and its membership are labor pains that signal the beginnings of your rebirthing process. You will emerge from this and your experiences will help others emerge.
I think I’ll do the same thing. I surely need it.
Brightest blessings to you.
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Ox Drover says:
WOW, so much going on in this group conversation I don’t know where to start so I will just START.
ALL: wonderful insights and comments!
EB: Yep, right on the money…when we feel defensive we are either being “attacked” or we are being told something we need to but don’t want to hear. we have to decide which it is.
I hope the cops are as irritated by his fake call as you are….wonder if they could trace the phone that made the call? But you know, if this cops pounding on your door at 1 a.m. is what it takes to really truly convince your oldest junior of what a piece of carp his daddy o is, then I think it might be worth it. Sometimes even the bad things have good results.
I realized finally I think it was 2-3 years ago now that healing is a JOURNEY NOT A DESTINATION and on that road on that journey we encounter more and more lessons as we grow. Of course the road gets better, smoother, but there ARE pot holes in the road as we go on. Plus, if we miss a lesson, it will come up again, another chance to learn it…I’ve had “psychopath 101″ SEVERAL times because I had the class but did NOT learn the lesson. My husband used to say “life is a tough teacher, she gives the test first then the lesson.”
Bella, the suggestion to just go out and have an Easter Picnic is a good one I think. Spring is my “renewal” time as well. As I sit here in the woods on this Wednesday morning. I look out at the wild flowers I planted in my yard…some blooming that are as pretty as cultivated orchids and the green curtain that surrounds me, makes me again feel safe and protected.
Renew your spirit just as the earth renews each spring with new life.
Darwinsmom, Truthspeak and 20 years…great insights! Thank you all for your contributions to this conversation and to LF!!!!
Kimmie, my friend! I am sorry you are having a bad couple of days…but the reminders to keep your boundaries intact will present themselves every time we don’t keep them intact.
Aren’t you glad though that the lesson only cost you $15? That’s a really cheap lesson when you truly think about it. Usually the “tuition” to the University of Hard Knocks is much higher. I am glad that you have a JOB because there are lots of people without them. I’m sorry the boss is being so snarky, but not everyone is sweetness and light as we all know. LOL (((hugs) I’m proud of you, Kimmie..Just look where you were a couple of years ago, you’ve made progress and you are INDEPENDENT NOW…your own house, your own job and your own say so about it! No we never turn out like we imagined, but the journey is the fun!
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skylar says:
Thank you ((Louise)), It’s a long road, I’m happy for your company.
EB,
I’m concerned that the Domestic disturbance call was meant to do more than just freak you out. It might be a tell as to what he is planning.
If the cops get enough crank calls, then when the real one comes in, they might not be so quick to respond. This could be a possible set up he is using. Don’t let him destabilize you. That’s always the first step they implement: create chaos and confusion, spread lies, slander. Until reality is so destabilized that they can insert their own reality. spath 101.
Don’t allow it. I’m so glad to know he has struck out in so many places.
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bellaangel says:
Awesome thank you…Darwinsmom your suggestion of small creative projects is lliterally what saved my life and my home. Over a year ago I found a lost, thrown out antique dresser. It came home with me and with a ittle love and a paint brush and some new knobs…..it was transformed. It felt like coloring when I was a kid…..take a little color and a canvas and see it get completed. That led to another and another. i took the step to rent a booth in our up and coming downtown district. It was a huge step of faith,because if I failed I culd have lost my home over it……so it took belief in myself. That has since doubled-and I do shows, this year twice a month in the summer It helped me keep my home from forclosure and my mind from going insane. The owners are from the gay community,and they have loved me and become my ‘grlfriends’ that do not hit on me…and accept me, and I them.It helped me find who I am and how I like to dress…..a little more prairie girl with jean, denim and lace….and boots. Me, Grandme. I also began working out again, and I take my dog on walks….which is my time to pray and connect to nature. I agree with you. Each little step has made me stronger.
It was only when i went backwards….trying once again to be heard by this Pastor or bring peace in my heart by confronting her that I felt defeated again.
I need to keep moving forward…….. and Truthspeak I will be doing just that on Easter. Connecting to my God and Father without the walls of a Church institution.
Oxy….and all thank you for being there as I process this, and I do not want to stay the same, but be transformed by it.
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Ox Drover says:
Good point Skylar…!!!!!
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bellaangel says:
My Easter gift to you:
‘When we open our spiritual eyes and see, we will see in all events in life, whether great or small,whether joyful or sad,whether great or small, all are a “Chariot” for our souls………
Everything that comes to us becomes a chariot the moment we treat it as such;and on the other hand, even the smallest trial can become a juggernaut car to crush us into misery or despair if we let it.
IT LIES WITH EACH OF US TO CHOOSE WHICH THEY SHALL BE.
It all depends,not upon what these events are, but upon how we take them.
If we lie down under them, and let them roll over us and crush us,they become the cars. But, if we can climb up into them,as into a car of victory…..
We make them carry us triumphantly onward and upward, they become Chariots of God. -Hannah Whitall Smith
hugs and thank you each one. S
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Ox Drover says:
Bella, I think we posted over each other.
What a wonderful easter gift! thank you. And your post above about the antique dresser and how you have transformed it, rented a booth and giving shows now….transformed your dress, becoming a “new you” that is wonderfully new and wonderfully YOU in a new community of friends! WOW!!!! TOWANDA!!!! How great is that! That makes my heart sing for you Bella!
It is so good to think back to our “daze of crazeeee” when we first came here to LF and then to look AT WHERE WE ARE NOW and see just HOW FAR WE HAVE COME!
Sometimes I want to sit and weep at just the idea of how far I have come…not weep sad tears, but I guess tears of RELIEF and GRATITUDE rather than sadness.
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